• Member Since 18th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 2nd, 2019




For a thousand years, the kingdom of Equestria sustained in peace & harmony.
The rulers of this kingdom defended their little ponies from all evil.
They prevented the reign of the Spirit of Chaos,
they defeatet the Queen of disguise and fib,
even the King of pure evil has fallen upon their might.
But what happend before known history began? What predators are lurking within the darkness among the stars?
Official sequel : Death's Bargain
Matching side-story : Walking in between the fabric of reality
(Recommended between chapter 23 & 24)
Story proofread by: Lhmac (until chapter 12) & Switches
Coverart by FoxInShadow

Chapters (32)
Comments ( 56 )

Hi, I immediately read your story after that message you send me and I'll try my best to help you out.

Since you mentioned that English isn't your main language, I think you should look for an editor to help you out with your story. They'll find and point out any grammatical errors you make and help you fix them. I'd offer to help you myself but English isn't my main language so I would probably miss a whole lot of things.

One thing I can tell you is that there's way too many capitalized words in your sentences.

Night has fallen upon the small Village of Ponyville, a cloudless Sky stretching over the Homes of Various little Ponies. Not a single Light was burning in one of the countless Windows of this Village which seems to sleep so peacefully. Everypony except of a certain Lavender coloured Unicorn mare. She is struggling in unbelievable Agony within her sleep. Terrible Nightmares must have occurred her.

The Name of this certain Mare is Twilight Sparkle...

I've bolded the letters that shouldn't be capitalized.
I do think you have an interesting story here, from what I could tell from this first chapter. It just needs some TLC :twilightsmile:

There's something odd with your story's formatting. It looks like it's structured like a poem even though it's not. As the previous comment said, there are capitalized letters all over where they shouldn't be. Missing dialogue tags also make it difficult to determine who is talking sometimes. It's not bad for your first try, especially with a second language. It just needs a bit more work.

Hello! :pinkiehappy:

After reading this, I would have to agree with the other two commenters. There is some odd formatting going on here, as well as a fair amount of grammatical errors. Finding a dedicated editor willing to teach you and help you fix things would be best. That said, here are some specific things I noticed:

#1: Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, or LUS. The writing has a severe case of it. LUS occurs when, instead of using a character's name or a title, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. An example from the story might be:

Spike dropped down on his back, knocked over by the sudden movement of the lavender librarian.

While this isn't necessarily bad or difficult to read, it does become tiresome after a while. Generally, one should only use descriptors like that very sparingly. Instead of that, you might try:

Spike dropped down on his back, knocked over by Twilight's sudden movement.
Or, Spike dropped down on his back, knocked over by her sudden movement.
Or, Spike dropped down on his back, knocked over by the sudden movement.

It might seem strange, but in many cases, less is more. You should of course try to mix it up to avoid stagnant writing, but much of the time, just referring to the character by name makes things much easier to read.

#2: Make scene transitions clearer. It was sometimes a little confusing when the scene had switched. The biggest example I can think of is:

“I really hope she will be all right...”
Followed immediately by:
“And then I said to her: You look dreadful , you have to...”

I figured out what was going on eventually, but its really jarring when you don't make it apparent that the story is now in a completely different place. So long as you describe the new area after your character arrives there, the fix for this is pretty simple. Just use some sort of horizontal line break. Anything will do. I have my little ten-star "**********" thing; it's ungraceful, but it gets the job done. It doesn't matter what you use, just make sure to have some sort of visual cue to clue the reader in on that transition.

#3: Tell, don't show. You'll hear this one all the time, because after you get a handle for good, grammatical writing, this is one of the next major points of struggle. Actually, you do it pretty well in some instances.

“I´m really sorry girls, I haven’t really slept very well the past few nights.” Twilight was sitting dull and lifeless in her chair, her eyes underlined with big dark half-circles, the silent witnesses of her sleepless nights.

That right there is perfect. Instead of just saying "she was tired", you make it much more real for to the reader by letting them infer that themselves. Her tired eyes, her lifeless slouch... you can see that all in your mind's eye, and that's exactly what you should be aiming for. Nice job. :raritywink:

#4: Random capitalization. Don't do this. Someone already pointed this out, but I just wanted to say it again. Unless it is a proper noun – that is, if it is the established name of a person, place, or thing – then it should not be capitalized. The "Everfree Forest" is a proper noun, because it is the name of a specific place. The "forest" is not.

#5: Speak your dialogue. This may not actually work as well for you, since English is not your first language, but I usually like to speak my dialogue aloud to make sure it sounds correct to my ear. There was some awkward phrasing in your story, but as you get better at speaking and reading English, I imagine that will improve as well.

All in all, this isn't a bad first attempt, though it’s not fantastic either. Don't worry though, because that’s okay – nobody, I repeat, nobody does very well on their first try. I certainly didn't. "The Stranger and Her Friend" may be my first ponyfic, but it isn’t the first story I ever wrote. Your writing will improve with time if you simply keep at it. Don't be discouraged if your first tries are not met with the success you wanted them to be, because that will never ever be the case. The most important thing you can do is to read constantly, to see how others do it, and write constantly, to practice. In your case, you should also increase your familiarity with the English language. The better grip you have on the language, the easier things will flow, so to speak.

Long comment is looooooooooooong.

Well, as you can see, I tend to ramble. It's a problem of mine. If you want any more advice, I highly recommend reading this to all beginning writers. It is Equestria Daily's "Editor's Omnibus", and has lots of great tips on writing in general. In any case, I hope my jumbled mess of advice will help! :twilightsmile:

Not bad for starting out. For some reason, the monster in Twilight's nightmare makes me think of Demise from Skyward Sword. :twilightsheepish:

But overall, just take the advice from the commenters before you and you're set. If anything, you're starting out decently and well on your way! Keep it up, friend :twilightsmile:

I followed your suggestions. I've got two proofreader by now, so the grammar shouldn't be a problem anymore.
If you would like to take a second look now, tell me your opinion, please.

Things are looking a lot better now :twilightsmile: I'm glad that this story is coming to its right, now that you have some help. I'm going to read the rest of this tomorrow and I'll drop another comment by then :twilightsmile:

And we're up to speed :twilightsmile: I wonder what the connection between Soul and Twilight's nightmare is

Looks like Soul's making friends, sort of. I hope the following chapters will expand some more on his character though, as he's a bit two dimensional at the moment. Tragic pasts and all that :twilightsheepish: Of course, he barely played an active role until now so there's still plenty of time to do so :twilightsmile:


You just have to be patient. Of course there will be at least a little bit more about him :twilightsheepish:

Well, that escalated quickly


Wait, until you see the next chapter that will be released Friday.

I turn my back for a few weeks, bam: three new chapters. Sorry, I've been rather sick the last few weeks and I haven't done anything constructive or read much :twilightoops:

Anyway, enough excuses and on to the chapter. I think Soul or Soul Tearer comes off too... powerful. Many people instinctively dislike such characters. I myself aren't very fond of them either, though I've read and enjoyed several stories with them. I just hope you'll keep things from getting too serious. :pinkiecrazy: over-powered ponies really need to learn to lighten up :pinkiehappy:

Onward to the next chapters


The only thing I can say to this topic is:

There is no great power without great sacrifices. :pinkiecrazy:


I've intended that it seemes so odd. There will be an explanation later.

Keep calm and trust the writer :twilightsmile:

Again, Applejack raging seems a bit weird. Especially considering what Soul did to Rainbow Dash, cause she doesn't even seem to care that Rainbow Dash is left a quivering wreck after his actions. Though obviously, Rainbow Dash is not without fault either. It's never a good idea to antagonize the seemingly all-powerful pony :trollestia:

But you did mention that there'll be an explanation later, so I'll just trust the writer :twilightsmile: ( Ha!:trollestia:)

I just wanted to say that a sidestory regarding this one will be released in the close future. It will tell us a little bit more about Soul himself and his past.

Further information will follow soon. :twilightsheepish:

Keep reading and have fun :pinkiehappy:

Like promised, I will tell you more about the little side-story! :twilightsheepish:

But instead of teasing, I will present the release date immediately!

Saturday at 11pm german time I will give the story to submission. Of course, it will be linked in the comments. :rainbowkiss:

Keep reading and have fun!

It has been released! Have fun reading! "Walking in between the fabric of reality"

Hey, it's been a while hasn't it? I sort of dropped off the radar, when it comes to this fic but I see that you've been updating valiently.:twilightsmile:

Anyway, this is starting to look a bit interesting. Can't say that I approve of Celestia's sending Shining Armor away with the Elements when she flatout states that he's too slow :trollestia:

It's him, isn't it? Tall, dark and gruesome? On to the next chapter and we'll find out


Hey! Yeah, quite some time had passed since our last 'meeting' :pinkiegasp:

I've read through your comment and thought: What the hay is he talking about... When I realized that you were reffering to chapter 13, I had to laugh a little bit. :trollestia:

Well, about Celestia ... how else should she send? He is at least the Captain of the Royal Guards :twilightsheepish:

As for your second comment ... spoilers... I won't say anything :yay:

Indeed, sorry about that. I've been very busy lately with my own story. Even now, I have my new chapter open in the background. It's haunting me:pinkiecrazy:
Anyway, Dark Terror? Who the hay names their kid Dark Terror? :trollestia:
I suspect that we'll see more about this 'Harmony' as well. Perhaps a distant ancestor of the mane six? Just throwing that out there

Ah Princess Luna, don't ever change. Also, no BluebloodXTwilight to be found here either... damnit, I will have to continue my search for crackships elsewhere. Still, I don't usually like TwilightXoc but this one's believable. One of the younger guards falling in love with Twilight sounds rather plausible. Let's see how long he can survive with Shiny on his case.

By the way, I'm signing off for now. Will continue reading tomorrow!


I know that feel :fluttercry:

I'm working for myself at a different story right now. (I've got another tab open, too :rainbowlaugh:)

I think, I've called him Black Terror and not Dark Terror :scootangel:

As for Harmony, I guess it is not too much when I confirm that you will hear more about her.

Sorry but I dislike Blueblood by far too much to give Twi to him.
I'm really looking forward for more comments :pinkiehappy:

Now that's just plain silly :derpytongue2: destroying the elements like that? New Moon'll taste the rainbow one way or the other though :rainbowdetermined2:

Also, Radiant Flare? First time I heard that name for Celestia's nightmare form/whatever you call it. I like it.


The Element was already cracked so it was most likely to break... .

Yeah, I thought a long time for a suiting name...

And there's Harmony again. Neat chapter, got some backstory and stuff. Only thing I don't like is Applejack. I think she's still way too trusting when it comes to Soul. She barely knows him, yet she trusts him with her life? I just think it's weird:pinkiecrazy:


Yep it is weird, but if you read closely you will notice that her trust towards him is decreasing instead of increasing. Their whole relationship is weird and more of a burden.

But to be honst, At first I thought the idea may work but I dislike it for myself now. But at least I've learned something from that little experiment.

That description gave me chills :twilightoops: I'll have to read this sometime.


I promise, you won't be disappointed. :pinkiehappy:


Usually I'm updating the story every Friday. So I'm updating weekly. :pinkiehappy:

WHAT THE HELL! YOU KILLED PHALANX!!!!!!!!!:flutterrage:


Well, I could say that I'm sorry .. but no :rainbowwild:

You'll see it will all serve a greater good in the future. I hope you will tune in again next Friday. When I release the final chapter of this story.

I would be happy to get a tiny review from you when you are done with my story.

And as reward ... May I include some information?

There will be a sequel to this story. :pinkiehappy:

The teaser chapter will be released right after the final or a week later. Depends on the readers reaction to the final.

Sorry bout' the over-reaction I just really liked his character.:twilightsheepish: and the review will be written as you asked and the review right now is 5 out of 5 stars so as long as the ending is pulled off well that rating should remain true.:pinkiehappy:

So eager to see how he ends it, but with how good all the other chapters have been, I know this one will be great!:pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by Haseo deleted Jul 19th, 2013


Here you go, pal
With an extra long chapter for the final (5,7k words length)

I even gave another story into submission today. If you like my writing you could give it a chance. Linky link provided. :twilightblush:

(Puts on monocole) Well, here is the rating: 10 out of 5 stars. Review: The story was well planned out, well written and the plot only left one or two loose ends, with those being how Equestria will react with the Princess Celestia being Helia now and where did soul go and will he be around for the sequel. Great story, kept up the great work:pinkiehappy:


You sir! Yes, exactly you! :rainbowdetermined2:
When I arrive back home this evening I will release the teaser-chapter for the sequel here and finally tag this story 'Complete'. :pinkiehappy:

Bloodline so far has been good to, and considering that this was your first story it was amazing even compared to authors who have posted 5 or 6 stories:pinkiehappy:


I will send you a PM when I release the sequel if you want :scootangel:

Yes please, thank you I'm sorry about the lateness of the reply, I left my house and left my kindle at home.:twilightsheepish:

Well, this helped a lot! I'm writing my own story, {i didn't focus on the spelling and stuff like that}, but this was a perfect example for my story!


I just released the Sequel

---> Death's Bargain <----

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