Chapter 2
Down the River
This world was not always as kind as now. The birds sang, at least I thought that they were birds, the fish swam and even the hydras seemed to enjoy this great day. Now that she knew nothing here could possibly hurt her and that she was not alone made this dream just brilliant.
Twilight discovered more and more secrets of this magical world, as she began to study the domiciled lifeforms of this place. Eyerything still seemed to be unbelievable for the young researcher. Normally she would never be able to watch the breeding habits of a phoenix. She began to bounce around in a manner only Pinkie could provide, until she noticed the annoyed looks of the phoenix family right above her.
“Hehe, sorry guys! This is, after all, a dream right?”
The mythical creatures looked at each other rather confusedly and gave the naïve unicorn a worried expression. But Twilight didn’t really seem to notice and she just wandered off to the next species of animals.
With every step this world became more and more fascinating. She never read that hydras always had exactly two eggs, or that the male looked after the children, while the female looked for food. She was really beginning to love this dream. “I wish Spike were here to see this. I’m sure somewhere dragons can be found.”
But something was odd at this day. The hydras seemed to be nervous and stressed. Most likely because of her presence, moreover was she a total stranger and also an seemingly unknown species to them. She must have looked so dangerous to them. “I think I should look after the basilisks now.”
After several minutes of strolling through the wonderful land, the curious unicorn got closer to her destination.
She had never expected to see a full field of Hearts Desire right in the middle of this forest. “Zecora would simply love this place.”
Silence fell as Twilight reached the end of the forest that bordered the valley of the basilisks.
She halted in shock at the sight of the empty fields in front of her, where hundreds lived the night before.
“No, no, no. This can´t be! This shouldn’t be! What in Celestia's name would cause so many of them to vanish?”
Cold sweat and pure fear seemed to suppress any other emotions and feelings at the moment caused by the realization of what it could be.
“Come on Twilight, don´t be so stupid. Nothing here can harm you, it isn’t real!”
Her thoughts stopped in an instant. A horrible scream of pain resounded from the mountainside. It surely could be heard in the entire forest. Every bird in the forest seemed to fly off at the shattering scream. Twilight's knees began to shiver, a single tear rolled down her cheek. “Wha- What happened there... . I have to go back, but … what if that creature needs help?
Arrgh, come on silly me. This is a dream I must check this out”
This time, in order to explore the origin of this terrible scream, she had to take an entirely different route than what she used the last time, hopefully for the better. The path was large enough that it could have easily supported a whole group of ponies. “Maybe they only went that way, and nothing really happened...”
As Twilight spoke her sentence, she saw a giant tail. It was lying stiff and immobile at the corner that opened to a segment of the mountains without walls surrounding her. Slowly she sneaked around the monstrous tail. The closer she got, the more her conclusion become concrete.
It was a dragon’s tail.
“Don´t tell me this dragon killed every single basilisk from the valley. But there was only one scream, how is this possible?”
Her conjecture was confirmed as soon as she took a peek around the corner. All over the place were basilisk corpses and half-eaten bodies left to rot. “This is a genocide! How terrible, why is something like this happening in my drea-AHHH!!”
Shocked at the sight of this massacre, Twilight stumbled to her right and tripped over the tip of the dragon’s tail. Now Twilight saw why there was only one scream.
A giant black claw-like thing had pierced the head of the dragon. “So this was the origin of the scream.”
The unicorn began slowly to retreat in horror. “But what is powerful and big enough to annihilate a full grown dragon?”
Sudden realization hit Twilight once more. Cold sweat and fear rushed through her body as she noticed the appearance of the claw. It had the same texture as the body of that being that had chased her through the paths of the mountain complex. “I should really go now. Before anything choose me as his next meal. Ouch!”
Still walking backwards, Twilight hit the other wall. Suddenly, she felt the gaze of the predator from her dreams on her neck. Out of reflex she slowly bent her head upwards toward the wall behind her. On top of the cliff, stood the somehow pony-shaped, but still dragon-like being.
Just as Twilight lifted her leg to take a step, the monster jumped downwards, mere inches away from where Twilight stood a few seconds before. Rocks broke loose from the impact and flew around.
A terrible roar escaped the jaws of this fearsome creature.
As fast as she could, the lavender unicorn began to gallop away, the path behind her still too small for her hunter.
Right now Twilight is in a terrible situation. She couldn’t use her magic. In between the cliffs, it would be just a matter of minutes, until he got her. If she left the mountains back to the open valley, he would kill her in an Instant.
But her only real chance was the forest... “Think Twilight, Think! There has to be a way.”
Her hunter, still above her, was following every step of Celestia's faithful student, the student without magic, helpless like a newborn foal.
Just as Twilight dodged one of the falling rocks, she came to a brilliant idea. “Of course! The waterfall! If I dive down the stream until I’m in the forest, I might escape him … or drown and die anyway.”
The brave unicorn galloped through the slim paths until she reached the waterfall at a pace that could only be topped by Applejack or Rainbow Dash. “Now or never!”
With a huge leap, the librarian took to the air straight into the murderous stream of water. Invisible from the gaze of her doom.
Twilight´s Jump would not be without any consequences. Her body was just a toy to the power of the streaming water, she was smashed from one side to another. The wrath of the water showed no mercy to the little pony until her body came to a halt, lying nearly unconscious at a small riverside, her legs were covered in scratches and bruises.
Everything in her sight slowly faded to black.
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“Ughh, I’m … I’m back in my bed? Soooo if I die in my dream I wake up? Well that would make everything a lot easier next time. Mare, but all this running in this weird dream made me thirsty.”
Twilight slowly roll out of her bed, and took a few steps. Step after step, her legs became heavier. Suddenly she fell straight on her snout. Her legs numb. “Spiiiike!”
The little baby dragon jumped out of his bed, straight to the ceiling. “What is it Twilight? Have you had nightmares again?”
The dragon’s face become even more scared as he saw Twilight, lying on the ground in an awkward position. Her body and legs were covered in several bruises and scratches. It looked like she was thrown down a mountain-side or like she has swam through a waterfall... . “Spike, send a letter to the Princess. Please! Quick!”
Dear Princes Celestia,
Twilight needs help! She woke up from her dream and now she is injured.
She has gone too bed like every other time. After she woke up, her legs somehow were scratched and bruised, like she had fallen to the ground!
Please send some help!
In worry for my best friend,
Sincerely,
Spike
Twilight tried to move in pain, but her body refused to obey properly. Something odd has happened. Her dreams were never so dangerous before.
Hello!
After reading this, I would have to agree with the other two commenters. There is some odd formatting going on here, as well as a fair amount of grammatical errors. Finding a dedicated editor willing to teach you and help you fix things would be best. That said, here are some specific things I noticed:
#1: Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, or LUS. The writing has a severe case of it. LUS occurs when, instead of using a character's name or a title, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. An example from the story might be:
Spike dropped down on his back, knocked over by the sudden movement of the lavender librarian.
While this isn't necessarily bad or difficult to read, it does become tiresome after a while. Generally, one should only use descriptors like that very sparingly. Instead of that, you might try:
Spike dropped down on his back, knocked over by Twilight's sudden movement.
Or, Spike dropped down on his back, knocked over by her sudden movement.
Or, Spike dropped down on his back, knocked over by the sudden movement.
It might seem strange, but in many cases, less is more. You should of course try to mix it up to avoid stagnant writing, but much of the time, just referring to the character by name makes things much easier to read.
#2: Make scene transitions clearer. It was sometimes a little confusing when the scene had switched. The biggest example I can think of is:
“I really hope she will be all right...”
Followed immediately by:
“And then I said to her: You look dreadful , you have to...”
I figured out what was going on eventually, but its really jarring when you don't make it apparent that the story is now in a completely different place. So long as you describe the new area after your character arrives there, the fix for this is pretty simple. Just use some sort of horizontal line break. Anything will do. I have my little ten-star "**********" thing; it's ungraceful, but it gets the job done. It doesn't matter what you use, just make sure to have some sort of visual cue to clue the reader in on that transition.
#3: Tell, don't show. You'll hear this one all the time, because after you get a handle for good, grammatical writing, this is one of the next major points of struggle. Actually, you do it pretty well in some instances.
“I´m really sorry girls, I haven’t really slept very well the past few nights.” Twilight was sitting dull and lifeless in her chair, her eyes underlined with big dark half-circles, the silent witnesses of her sleepless nights.
That right there is perfect. Instead of just saying "she was tired", you make it much more real for to the reader by letting them infer that themselves. Her tired eyes, her lifeless slouch... you can see that all in your mind's eye, and that's exactly what you should be aiming for. Nice job.
#4: Random capitalization. Don't do this. Someone already pointed this out, but I just wanted to say it again. Unless it is a proper noun – that is, if it is the established name of a person, place, or thing – then it should not be capitalized. The "Everfree Forest" is a proper noun, because it is the name of a specific place. The "forest" is not.
#5: Speak your dialogue. This may not actually work as well for you, since English is not your first language, but I usually like to speak my dialogue aloud to make sure it sounds correct to my ear. There was some awkward phrasing in your story, but as you get better at speaking and reading English, I imagine that will improve as well.
All in all, this isn't a bad first attempt, though it’s not fantastic either. Don't worry though, because that’s okay – nobody, I repeat, nobody does very well on their first try. I certainly didn't. "The Stranger and Her Friend" may be my first ponyfic, but it isn’t the first story I ever wrote. Your writing will improve with time if you simply keep at it. Don't be discouraged if your first tries are not met with the success you wanted them to be, because that will never ever be the case. The most important thing you can do is to read constantly, to see how others do it, and write constantly, to practice. In your case, you should also increase your familiarity with the English language. The better grip you have on the language, the easier things will flow, so to speak.
Long comment is looooooooooooong.
Well, as you can see, I tend to ramble. It's a problem of mine. If you want any more advice, I highly recommend reading this to all beginning writers. It is Equestria Daily's "Editor's Omnibus", and has lots of great tips on writing in general. In any case, I hope my jumbled mess of advice will help!
Not bad for starting out. For some reason, the monster in Twilight's nightmare makes me think of Demise from Skyward Sword.
But overall, just take the advice from the commenters before you and you're set. If anything, you're starting out decently and well on your way! Keep it up, friend