• Member Since 17th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen January 4th


Comments ( 176 )

aw scoots i have a feeling dash will not notice and scoots gets with flutters.

Ahhh, Night my friend you have yet to dissapoint me with you work.

Very, Very, Very good. You should write more.

Your transitions between scenes could use a little bit of work. At times you jump several hours ahead with little indication that it had happened.

Still like the story so far though : )

agreed, the transitions could use some work, but they aren't that bad. also, and this might just be me, but rainbow doesn't seem right to me. she seems a bit more self-absorbed than i remember her. i felt she should be a little more aware of something bothering scootaloo. but thats just my opinion, outside of those two things the story is really really good!

i love it could use moore spike though.:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

Great job! But why do I get the feeling that Fluttershy likes Scootaloo?

It was brilliant! You should add more! :pinkiehappy: :heart:

Not bad. A few small mistakes, but the characters are believable, and it looks like the story should be pretty solid. There is one little edit I'd recommend that you make though. When Fluttershy and Scootaloo are talking, starting here:

"So...tell me, are there any stallions in your life? You've become quite the beautiful mare." Scootaloo nearly dropped in embarrassment.

There's no "said Fluttershy," or "said Scootaloo." If you're going to do alternating dialogue without explicitly stating who says each line, that's fine, but you should start a section like that by stating who says the first line explicitly. That way the reader knows who starts talking, and can keep track of whose turn it is to talk after that. As I first read it, I thought that Scootaloo said the above line, and that Fluttershy was revealing that she too had a crush on Rainbow Dash. Of course it only took a couple of seconds to read that section again and see where I went wrong in my interpretation, but if I have to go back to reread something because I'm not sure about what was meant, that's a pretty good sign that it could be written a bit more clearly.

Looking forward to future chapters. :twilightsmile:


Ahh, I see your point. I'll be sure to fix it when I can

1907720 Glad to be of service.

Also, I feel kinda bad for pointing this out, if only for the creepy stalker vibe, but in your bio you said "peak" instead of "peek." :twilightblush: Just seems like you'd want to remove a typo from your bio. Fabulous picture though. :raritywink:


And thank you for the compliment ^^

This is very quickly becoming very interesting. It seems very much like it's going to end up ScootaShy? I admit, I haven't seen that before..... I meean, even if that's not what you're gonna do, it seems so much more natural. She's being so sweet and caring. I dunno about you, but if a girl ever fixes me breakfast and follows with a massage of completely hr own accord I will literally propose right then. </rambling>

Regardless of your future intentions, fantastic so far!

Glad you like what I've got so far, and you know what they say; only time will tell

Things are getting real interesting real fast. I wonder how much Scoots can take of that intense training though?


not cool playing with scootaloos feelings like that, but if i can guess from the pic dashie is going to get what she deserves.

rainbow dash is kind of an flank(ass, whatever) in this story. hope she gets her shit straight eventually.

yes i read if only its good keep up the good writing:rainbowdetermined2:

Really liking this, tracked.
Hoping for Fluttershy to become a larger part too. Almost hoping that as soon as Dash starts to realise that she likes Scoots, Scootaloo will already like Fluttershy. Dash sort of deserves it (no clue on the history behind how her last relationship ended), all she is doing is playing with her feelings.
Also: Woo Luna! ("Needs more Luna later on", 'tis all I'm sayin') :twilightsmile:

Hmm, I sense that Scoots is gonna have a choice to make pretty soon if things keep going this route.

Found a spelling error for ya!

"I...I guess that would be alright. If you don't me joining that is." The yellow pegasus said, glancing down at the ground.

It should be If you don't mind me joining that is!

Just thought I'd let ya know!

noooo :pinkiesad2: dashie needs loving don't steal scoots :rainbowhuh:

A bath scene is coming up? Score!:rainbowwild:

dash needs love, scoots needs love, flutters needs love. hmmm, how bout a three way relationship?

Tempting...but I've already got things figured out the way I want them to happen.

Now I just have to figure out the events that will lead to those things happening :rainbowlaugh:


thats cool. but i do hope dash gets a special somepony too. she might be acting a bit like a jerk, but i still like her.

so who is ending up with whom? :rainbowhuh::fluttershysad:

I'm guessing Fluttershy and Scootaloo.

However, what surprised her was that the pony was off the ground...and had no wings. "What in Celestia's name?" She rushed up to the window to get a better look. "Is that...a unicorn?" The pony was wrapped in a lavender aura that only seemed to darken his grey coat.

I personally condone this usage of Unicorn magic. My OC does it often when he's in a strictly pony setting (I tend to prefer humanized/anthro versions since outside of MLP he's human(oid?).).


Nah, that's too obvious. It would lack the twist that these kinds of stories have.

Somehow, I think it'll be Scoots and Dash, with Dash feeling guilty about using Scoots while Flutters content with Scoots being happy.

1969574 i hope not im hoping dash will learn once she sees scoots attention start to shift, dash in this story needs a bit of an adjustment

Dammit, man. You have perfected the art of tugging at my heart with a vicious fist.

You condone that use of magic? I'm afraid I don't understand. Explain please?

Comment posted by ProStoryteller deleted Jan 16th, 2013

After giving it more thought, I really hope Scoots ends up with 'Shy. Based on the way Dash acts in this story, I don't feel like she deserves her.

1970335 I agree too wile Dash is nice in her own way i think Fluttershy should be the one with Scoot she really loves her and Dash is just like a big sister or good friend.

Rainbow does care about Scoots but I think Rose is right. It's more like a sister or good friend then anything.


As in I've no issue with it, even though there's no real support for a Unicorn carrying himself/herself in the show.


It got a bit tl;dr so I'm gonna PM it.


I know, but you kinda expect that, and with stories like this that kind of thing tends to be kinda boring.

Hence why I came as close as I could in what I considered the best possible ending, with Scoots ending up with Dash, Dash not liking Scoots in that way but only pretending to reciprocate because it makes Scoots happy, while 'Shy refuses to interfere because she wants Scoots to be happy too.

Motherly Fluttershy is best Fluttershy.

Hmm. Almost every other story you've written has been a Fluttershy ship. :pinkiehappy: I hope this one is too! ScootaShy ftw.

Well this just got interesting.

Well this could be good or bad. I mean her father ciuld be encouraging and alright with shy crush :scootangel: but he could also be a homophobic fu$&@%*+^^£>k. I guess thats up to you
P.s i wish :yay::heart::scootangel:


I hate to ask...but good wow or bad wow?

Login or register to comment