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Whatabitch.
1669772 Said it all.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcsnp67iCM1qdntjwo1_250.gif
What the above said...
While it is Rainbow cheating on Pinkie with Fluttershy and Pinkie beeing kind of OK with it, the concept still doesn´t work.
The plot has low to no relevance for the story anyway, it´s just there so Pinkie can join in. Could have been done better easily.
1669902
Threesome.... That would be better...meow
Volcano is coming this way better get insurance
Well, okay - as others have mentioned, this is seriously OOC for Rainbow, and that's where the biggest problem comes in.
Further... you really ought to read a few other clop stories and get a better feel for how to write the requisite sex scenes.
But the concept is where this is going to be fatally flawed for many, so here are a couple of suggestions.
Yes, Rainbow can be a jerk sometimes, but what she has never done is truly betray a friend's trust. Fall Weather Friends is the closest she came, and that was more betraying Applejack's expectations than actually cheating on the rules (and then, with a bit of Freudian projection, cheating in response to perceived cheating.) Betraying a lover's is even more out of character, especially *with* a friend. But what if she's not actually betraying Pinkie's trust? Here are some ways to rework the scene where Pinkie comes in that twist the story around and fix the central OOC'ness:
1: "Silly Shy-shy! I told her it was okay!" Rainbow and Pinkie are very much in love, but Rainbow's crushing HARD on Fluttershy. RD's tearing herself up about it, because she feels like she's already cheating on Pinkie, and how could the ELEMENT OF LOYALTY be having fantasies about one of their mutual best friends?
Pinkie, finally getting RD to 'fess up, just smiles and laughs and tells Rainbow that it's okay to play, as long as Pinkie knows about it ahead of time. The story takes place from there, either with or without Fluttershy knowing (I prefer with, but... *shrugs*)
2: "Actually, Fluttershy... I asked her to!" Pinkie has herself a little cuckolding fetish! And so, to fulfill it, she's asked Rainbow Dash to go out and "cheat" on her while she watches! Again, Fluttershy can be an innocent bystander, or in on it and playing along as best she can.
3: "This ending was written by M. Neight Shyamalan!" Rainbow Dash and Pinkie aren't dating at all! It's either Fluttershy and Pinkie (along with either of those first two options, and Rainbow knows that it's all okay), or it's Rainbow and Fluttershy, and they're having a threesome with Pinkie that includes a little role-playing.
4: "SUPAH TRIAD ORGY FUN TIME GOOOOO!" The three of them are *all* dating in one happy polyamorous mass of smexy lesbian ponies, and they've decided to pretend that RD and Fluttershy are "cheating" on Pinkie just for funsies.
All of these would solve the central problem - that RD wouldn't cheat on anypony, let alone her lover - while letting you write the story you seem to want to.
Alternately... you'll really, *really* have to stretch it out to make it believable that RD would do something like this.
To all of the people who have commented, I have looked over what you have said and tried to edit the story a bit to try and make it a bit more believable that Dash would have this "party" so to speak. If you want to check it out and post your second opinion I would be glad to have it!
1671532
Don't try to guilt your audience. It's more likely to backfire than to get you what you want dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia2.png .
I didn't read this before the changes were made, so I can't comment on how it's changed, but I can give you my thoughts on the current revision.
Rainbow still comes off as somewhat OOC, although it does seem like you must have changed things around a reasonable amount since it doesn't seem to be quite to the level that previous comments lead me to believe. However, Rainbow still has quite a few areas where she just doesn't seem to be herself, and where she doesn't seem to have (or to accurately portray) a reason for her to be acting unlike herself. Not just in the cheating aspect but in others as well. A good example of this is when Fluttershy takes the lead and Dash quickly switches from being a very dominating personality to a submissive without rhyme nor reason.
There are a lot of shifts, and changes in the mood of the story that just seem to come from nowhere, there's no buildup to them, and no catharsis upon their resolution. Your characters seem to flit from one thought or emotion to the next with no discernible reasons for the change. This makes the story extremely jarring to follow and keeps the reader from empathizing with your characters. Its not that you can't or shouldn't have shifts in the mood, but they need to build up, to be explained, and feel natural.
The grammar in this has a lot of problems that consistently took me out of the story, and kept me from enjoying the tale. You should really get yourself a good proofreader to help you with this, because terrible grammar is one of the fastest ways to kill an otherwise good fic.
Lastly, the clop in this feels very mechanical. There is very little description, and reactions and feelings are nearly non-existent. Slow yourself down when you're writing and try to get into the feel of the action. Everything should have an action, a feeling and a response; this isn't a hard & fast rule, but it'll help you to improve much faster if you try to incorporate it. Also, take a look at some of the better clopfics out there, and examine how they write, how they structure things, how they work description and feeling into the action so that it's nearly seamless, how the vocabulary changes and evolves with the action.
You seem to have some promise, but you need to work on refining your stories. You can't just throw your favorite ponies into a sexy situation and expect everything to come out looking great. You need to build the passion, and take your reader along with it so that we're excited as well.
Before I forget, when I read this
I just went dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_O_O.png "Did this become a futa story without any reason or is Dash wearing a strapon that wasn't mentioned before?"
Definitely wasn't one of my best stories, huh?
It was mostly for practice, and a lot of the feedback helped a lot (This is a very good thing!)
Grammar problems are probably the result of the proofreader not going through the 'edited' version. My apologies
1674306
It's great that you're trying to improve.
Alright, here's an idea for a revamping of this.
Instead of Dash 'cheating' it's more or less Pinkie suggesting to Dash that it would be fun to get Flutters with them. Another thing, is that with sex scenes, you don't want to be overly blatant, nor do you want to be too vague. Describe what's going on, and do it in a sensual voice, I guess. I dunno.
Twilight walked up the stairs to her room, hips swaying provocatively as Rainbow's wings started to unfurl. "Rainbow, go tap that!" Pinkie Pie hissed from a potted plant in the corner of the room. "This could be our chance!"
Rainbow Dash's wings flared out fully, and she nodded. Stalking up the stairs, ears folded back and wings up, Dash was having a hard time controlling her nerves. But no, this wasn't the bad kind of nerves, this was that exciting feeling she got whenever she and Pinkie were gonna have fun. Sure, Twilight had said she only wanted to experiment, but it was still going to leave an impression at how good Dash was, and Dash never lost.
Upon reaching Twilight's room, she made her way towards the bed, where Twilight lay waiting, her eyes half closed as she... read a book. Damn, that would be a mood killer if she wasn't so cute. "H-hey, Twilight. I know this is just a test or whatever, but, uh... Are you seriously gonna read through it? Most stallions and mares would see that as a sign of boredom, and... I know it's making me feel a little put out."
Twilight looked up, blushing a bit. "Sorry, I was just reading up on some, uh, positions that look fun. W-want to see?" Rainbow Dash tilted her head to the side, cocking an eyebrow in thought. Of course Twilight would have a book on sexy positions...
"Uh... sure." Rainbow Dash climbed onto the bed, rubbing her body along Twilight's as she moved around, looking for a comfortable position. Twilight shuddered in response, a look of embarrassment vying for control of her face against a blissful smile. Why is she so cute? "Alright, Twi. Show me which positions you wanna do."
*~*~*
Twilight moaned as she buried her snout in Rainbow's vagina, trying to taste everything about her all at once, as Rainbow's more experienced tongue sent shivers along her spine with each slow, almost contemplative lick. Dash smiled inwardly; this was going better than she'd expected! Now all that needed to happen was Pinkie joining. Dash couldn't help but feel guilty that another mare was getting her off, and she felt like she needed to reaffirm her love for the crazy party pony.
Just a snippet I felt like writing. Explain what's going through their minds, try to stay in character, and show, not tell. Don't tell us the story, we want to be able to picture the way Twilight's nose scrunches up as she bites her lip, trying to stifle the moans from her orgasm, show us how Dash's coat looks when she's covered in a sheen of sweat, we want to hear her panting, the husky, sultry tone of her voice as she growls provocatively in Twilight's ear, Twilight's momentary surprise at Pinkie's appearance, but then how that's forgotten in favor of more pleasure.
Of course, that's if you decide to do a story/chapter with Twilight as the third pony.
It aint bad and to be honest here If it was Pinkies Idea Dash would do whatever. Besides hopping right into a three way is not something that goes really far.
Besides Dash is the element of loyalty. Towards all of her friends. Think about it. in a cracked way it works.
1669772 Look at it from the flip-side. What would the personification of Loyalty do in a love triangle atwixt three close friends? Loyalty isn't always totally black and white. I haven't read this and might not even want to defend it after doing so, I'm just saying. That conflict of loyalty is the basis of a lot of RD stories. Also, factor in that there is more to each of these ponies than just their elements. Fluttershy was a total bitch for a while, Applejack can lie, Pinkie gets sad... Who's to say Rainbow might not, at some point, leave Ponyville or her friends hanging?
1675435
This is... amazing
Thank you so so much!
1680664 No problem. Always happy to help.
waaaaaaaaaaaaaait did i read that rainbow is in love with fluttershy but at the very end she told pinkie she thought of her the whole time!?
thats so beautiful
