Delays

Fluttershy invites Twilight out for a date with a secret planned for her lover. However, as the day goes on, it seems like various things are out to delay Fluttershy's surprise for Twilight.

My entry for the TwiShy August Dual Contest!

My entry follows the prompt "A Sweet Surprise"

Cover picture was done by an account no longer active on Deviantart, but since I'm assuming it was photoshopped or somethin' I went to Antiander, the person who created the original separate pictures

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

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ThatOneWriter

ThatOneWriter #1 · Aug 29th, 2013 · 1 · ·

First!

Alright, now that that's out of the way, I'll tell you what I thought of this story. It wasn't bad. There were a few punctuation mistakes that I noticed, mostly involving quotations. I only saw a few though, so it didn't break the immersion.

My main gripe is that you didn't really show why they were compatible. They were already together, with no backstory on how that happened. About the most we got for how they make a good couple is Fluttershy mentioning that she knows when it's Twilight who's hugging her. The most important element of any romance is to give the characters a reason why they're compatible, which brings me to Bon Bon and Pinkie. Why? Why?!? They both like sweets, but there was no reason for them to be together.

Overall, it was a decent story, but it's just not very memorable. It lacks tension. I failed to see why there was such a rush until they reached the candy shop, therefore the ending really lacked any punch or "D'aww!" There really wasn't a problem to be solved in this story, and that made it fall flat.

ShadowWing09

ShadowWing09 #2 · Aug 29th, 2013 · · ·

Alright, not bad, not bad, I liked it, pacing was good, the humor was nice, and the Twilight-hugging-Fluttershy scene was very cute

ThatOneWriter does have some points. Some backstory would have been nice, though we don't want to spend TOO much time, lest that take away from the story itself. Reasons for them being together would be good, I admit, and the lack of such is why TwiDash and Twixie () fall flat considering how unlikely those couples are. Also, maybe some focus on how the other ponies in town feel about the two and them being together

I wasn't comfortable with Pinkamena as opposed to Pinkie, and she and Bon Bon ARE a somewhat unlikely couple. Still, I enjoyed Lyra's interaction with Twi and Shy, that was a nice touch, I thought

I...found the ending rather anti-climatic, I regret to say. I enjoyed this, I thought it was a good story, but with some tightening up on the details and it could be great

Endaljaro

Endaljaro #3 · Aug 29th, 2013 · · ·

is a good story, but some details i didn't get, like why they are calling Pinkie "Pinkamena", yeah that is her name but neither of her friends call her with that name.

And another thing that is just nitpick, when Fluttershy give Twilight the candy, you reference the last one as unicorn and every else as alicorn or princess.

RedComet

RedComet #4 · Sep 30th, 2013 · · ·

it was soooo cuuuute!

SUBJECTXVI

SUBJECTXVI #5 · Dec 31st, 2013 · · ·

I am very disapointed. It started off great! But as the story progressed it kinda fell flat.... it was like you were writing and the forgot what you were doing and the didn't even bother trying to fix your screw Up.
However... for what it was it was okay. Though word of advice. Try to take on an omipotent point of view while still maintaining the 3rd pov that you have going, you could added more tension to it to make it seem like there was a good ammount of consern and worry, also think about making it longer so that its not so anticlimatic. k?