• Member Since 10th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen September 8th

ThaStrangr


Gamer. Pony writer. Layabout. ...That's about it.

T

A fire of unknown origin begins in the Everfree forest. Quickly, it spreads to the home of the timid pegasus, Fluttershy. She manages to rescue all of her animals, but one. She reaches for a small white rabbit as the supports on the cottage go, and she is rescued by Twilight Sparkle. Her home is gone, and has probably taken her best friend with it. The world has brought poor Fluttershy down. Can Twilight help her get back up?
>Written for the TwiShy August Dual Contest. Any and all feedback is appreciated.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 29 )

Haven't read it yet, if this is for the contest, shouldn't it be a oneshot? or you just forgot to change incomplete to complete?

This was perect :twilightsmile: :heart: :fluttershyouch:

"What's up, Fluttershy? You look like you just lost your best fri-."

:facehoof: god damn it spike. :fluttercry:

"Well, hey, AJ and Rarity slept in a bed together at the slumber party." Fluttershy nodded, and elected not to bring up the fact that those two had dated several times by that point.

:rainbowhuh::pinkiegasp: Wait, What!? did you see the way they acted i am sure it was not a lovers quarrel.

That ship is on my non canon ship list as the most illogical ship in the show.

the non canon ship list is a list of witch ones of the mane six that a romance would be ilogical, imoral or for any other reson would not work

non canon ship list:
:raritystarry::heart::ajbemused:
:twilightsmile::heart::ajbemused:
:pinkiesmile::heart::ajbemused:
:pinkiesmile::heart::raritystarry:
:rainbowhuh::heart::fluttershysad:

if you want me to elaborate why i do not ship these just ask.

some ships that i do not ship either for no other reson then g
the fact that if i ship them i will have to ship one of the non canon ships to make my plan work. :trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright:

3118421 I just added that in to contribute to the joke. Plus

had dated several

implying they were one of those on/off relationships, meaning they kept splitting because they each had some sort of problem with the other.:twilightsmile:
I'm not trying to nag, just explaining my reasoning.

3116850 :facehoof: I knew I was forgetting something. Thank you, kind sir/madam! :pinkiehappy:

3118341 Of all the times for a joke, Spike.:moustache::facehoof:

3118454
kudos ser brilliant reasoning.
:twilightsmile:

Felt a LITTLE rushed in the early going, but you really smoothed out the pace by the end :twilightsmile:

Nice to see you found a purpose for Garble and his gang, I personally consider Garble the worst, most pointless character in the show, so kudos on involving him in a way that actually made sense! :twilightsmile:

I never did see the logic behind ApplejackxRarity, those two could never adjust to each others lifestyles :twilightsheepish: also I'm not a fan of multiple intra-mane six pairings in a single story, as it takes away from the Friendship aspect the show is based around, AND it means less unconditional approval and support for the pairing being focused on. Not that I don't get your reasoning for the joke, it's just the way I see thing :rainbowhuh:

Enough complaining on my part, this was a nice, sweet story with several smile-worthy moments, whether it was cuteness or humorous. I think we have a contender in this contest :raritywink:

Here's hoping Twilight's parents took it as well as her brother and mentor did :pinkiesmile:

Twilight's nightgown...knowing Rarity, it was probably rather saucy :raritywink::rainbowlaugh:

3118421 Huh :rainbowhuh:

I agree with you on RarityxApplejack, RarityxPinkie, and FluttershyxRainbow Dash, but TwilightxApplejack always struck me as one of the more plausible ones, give that Twilight's sensitive and humble nature would cause her to appreciate an honest and hardworking yet largely gentle pony like Applejack, and Twilight has a very appealing personality overall :ajsmug:

3119525
the reason i do not ship TwiJack is because twilight has got to much responsibility already with her studies, whatever responsibilities her new wings give her, all the random crap she gets into, etc and i feel like she does not need the shared responsibility for the farm i think you would get for being Applejack's marefriend. :ajsmug:

Edit: i just read the rest of the comment and i will say that a multiple mane six ship if done right will compliment the friendship aspect the show is based on. the elements of harmony being fueled by pure friendship magic at the moment is a weaker version only operating at about half optimal power being as friendship is only the second strongest magic source in this aspect love being the most powerful, so a balanced ship hexagon with three ships and no polygamy will give the elements optimal power. (they can get more power with a hexogamous relationship but that would take away the friendship the show is based on and make the elements more dangerous then the evil they are designed to "destroy")

3118964 Thank you! I tend to over-think things. Everything in every story I write will have reason. (I have no life :rainbowlaugh:)

3119525 Yeah, when I first started it, I was just spewing out random stuff just to have SOMETHING to enter into the contest. But as the story went on, I really began pulling myself in. And I like RariJack simply for the whole "opposites attract" aspect. Probably why I am also a fan of TwiDash as well. And the nightgown was quite... lusty. I wish I had an image I give to kind-of represent it.:facehoof:
And you're not complaining.
:raritydespair:< THIS is complaining!
No, I appreciate any and all comments!:pinkiehappy:
... Okay, I'm done babbling now.:twilightblush:

PPS

Something about the title seems oddly aggressive to me, like it's a threat. "If you try anything, I will hunt you down, and I will lift you. And that will be bad for you. Somehow. Maybe I won't put you down gently."

3120924 "I will lift you, and... I will drop you. In the dirt. Your hair will be covered in soil! Hahahaha!!":flutterrage:

I'll skip the mentioning of the spelling/grammar errors and start by saying that it seemed really off balance to me. Heavy dialogue, not much in the way of descriptions, and the action was... muffled. The paragraphs were also broken up pretty weirdly. A significant number of times, I saw multiple 'paragraphs' that should have been one big paragraph. Let me give you an analogy that I find helpful with balancing a story...

Dialogue = Brass
Detail = Woodwind
Action = Percussion

You really fanfare'd this one. Too much brass all over the place, and no woodwinds in earshot. There was a potentially amazing action scene that could easily have wrecked my sorry story. But there was no woodwinds to accentuate the percussion. There was no depth to it. It was all bark, no bite. Talkie talkie talkie.

I'm sure you've read my proudest story 'The Frozen North', but if you haven't I recommend reading it. I actually wrote it for the sole purpose of cutting back on my brass and expanding upon my woodwinds. I wanted raw description.

It was a well made story, and the concept was great, but the execution fell a bit short to me.

<3 DarqFox

"Oh, sorry. Shining, Fluttershy and I are kind of... dating now. I forgot to tell you about it when you arrived. Sorry, BBBFF." Shining gave a large grin.

well now you are kind of even (would be better to keep it from him til the wedding but hay this is the closes thing right?) :twilightsmile:

"I... I'm so sorry, Twilight. Thank you. I promise you'll never see me like that again."

:pinkiesmile: do not make a promise you can not keep.

3122606

Heavy dialogue, not much in the way of descriptions

Yeah, I've noticed that's kind-of my style. I never planned on even coming close to winning (I've read some of the other entries) just to at least enter.

spelling/grammar errors

This is the only thing I draw issue with. I pride myself on being an unbearable grammar-Nazi.
In other words... I WILL ERADICATE ALL GRAMMAR ERRORS!!:flutterrage:
If one could to point them out to me (not necessarily you. I'm just responding this to you because your comment is relevant.:twilightblush:)

3122826 In the words of Andrew Garfield (Amazing Spider-Man)
"Those are the best kinds.":rainbowwild:

3152774
Instant example:

"Angel," she called, "Where are you?"

The 'W' in Where should be lower-case.

<3 DarqFox

3153965 Buck, I didn't realize I did that. Thank you!:pinkiehappy:

Okay, I've fixed the few errors that I've found. If anyone notices any others, please leave a comment notifying me. Thank you! :twilightsmile:

3155155
Edit: I ran this through a spell-checker to find the more subtle errors. Hopefully, it's all clear now. :pinkiehappy:

Based on the story's synopsis, I decided to give it a read going on the impression that the concept of the story would be concerned mostly with a friend helping another recovering from a devastating loss (likely with a carefully developed romantic sub-plot, considering the tags). How a friend helps another dealing with loss is good subject matter for relating to the show's themes about friendship, and so the story seemed as though it could build a strong premise. However, stylistic issues started to put the brakes on my momentum through the story, and after a two particularly jarring moments in the narrative, I did not continue reading.

The area of stylistic issues I want to bring up relates to the, "show, don't tell," rule -

Despite Twilight's efforts, Fluttershy was trapped in that house. This was something Twilight could not save her from, as she watched the weather ponies snuffing out the last of the flame's embers, and the friend that she knew.

To see such a usually cheerful pony reduced to a lifeless husk made Twilight's heart ache.

Fluttershy had begun to comprehend the full reality of her situation. She fell to the ground, finally unleashing everything. Her wails were ear-shattering, and held the pain of a heart almost literally being ripped in two. Twilight couldn't look anymore. Such a sweet and loving pony, Fluttershy didn't deserve this. She always tried to do well by everypony, and Twilight vowed to return the favor, whatever it took.

She tried to sound as calm as possible, though she was certain that she had let slip some of the inner torment she was holding from seeing her friend in such a state.

In these examples, the narrator is telling the reader what's going on, but in so doing is taking away from the dramatic energy of what is being told. If Fluttershy is trapped in the memory of the burning house, the reader should get those sensory details. The difference between "usually cheerful pony" and "lifeless husk" can become more real if, again, the reader is shown the difference. In the third, this logic can be applied to the first sentence. What is the reality of the situation to Fluttershy? Is it as simple as her house and her pet are gone or do the senses come into play? Is she imagining Angel appearing at her hooves, only for reality to coldly destroy that fantasy, perhaps? Also, Twilight's empathetic reaction to Fluttershy's cries could itself be shown so that the reader feels that Twilight is feeling her friend's pain and not simply jotting down a mental note to right a cosmic wrong against her. This thought about Twilight's reaction extends to the fourth example.

There are two particularly clashing parts of the narrative that I would mention, especially since the second one stopped the read -

"What's up, Fluttershy? You look like you just lost your best fri-." By this time, Twilight had managed to get a firm magical grip around the drake's mouth.

This part, however small, massively diminishes the dramatic tension the narrative is working to achieve, not by lightening the mood (which does not seem possible at this point), but by making a joke of the traumatic event to begin with; It creates the impression that the reader is not supposed to take the story seriously.

She closed her eyes and tried to go back to sleep. As much as she hated herself for it, she was tempted to close the gap between them. Twilight was, admittedly, mad for the little pegasus. Not just crushing, but desperately, unbearably crazy about her.

This part could be considered as part of the "telling" issue, but more specific to this example is that this revelation does not have foreshadowing backing it up, making it feel as though it came from out of nowhere. At this point, all prior drama starts to appear abandoned and the focus is unnaturally shifted towards the romance; I could not suspend my disbelief any more at this point in the story.

3218704 A fair and level critique. I thank you! :twilightsmile:
After finishing the story, I did take note of the many mistakes I'd made. Truthfully, I was mostly subconsciously writing one of my other fics while typing this one, as it was really only made so I could say that I had an entry for the contest. However, I've actually come to care for this little fic. So I shall take all of your notes into consideration, and revise it as soon as I can :raritywink:.
Also, I had intended to just kind-of throw the romance thing in there, making it seem as though Twilight was even capable of hiding her feelings from the audience. This, too, I realize was stupid. :facehoof:
So, yeah. Revision!:rainbowwild:
Again, thank you for your criticism.

This was almost perfect.
A little to rushed at the start like " ok so Fluttershy is recovering and, oh holy S*** Twilight has a crush on Fluttershy kinda came out of noweare." yea that kind of changed the phase a little, but you did smoth the romance out witch i enjoyed greatly.
Clever to use the dragons from "Dragon quest" i had persenly forgoten about them, you sneaky writer you.
And the Flutterrage part was briliant having Twilight just come at the right time. Good show.
All in all i'll give this story a whooping 4.9/5 as i said the start was a tad ruched but other wise nothing bad.
And a + for TwiShy :twilightsmile: :heart: :yay:
~Tobben

Good stuff. :twilightsmile:

The fan-base just seems to prefer "marefriend" for some reason)

It’s punny. And lord knows we need more pony puns to go with all the pony pun names of towns like Manehattan.

Login or register to comment