The Chaos Rose is a unique flower that only blooms once a year on Hearts and Hooves Day. It is a symbol of unyielding love and affection between ponies and is sought after as one of the greatest and most treasured gifts of the holiday.
So, what will happen when Twilight Sparkle buys one and gives it to Rainbow Dash?
And, more importantly, what will Rainbow do when everypony becomes convinced that Twilight must be in love with her because of it?
Prereading/Editing by: Carabutt, Auramane, and Zaphod.
Cover art by Rossby Waves.
Chapters (5)
Hm... I'm not sure what to say about this one. It's written well, but nothing happens in the first chapter at all. Twilight is on her way to the bakery and ends up buying a flower in 4k words. To be honest, I think things would have gone better if you had cut down a lot of the fluff (unnecessary stuff) in this chapter, and I would have liked to see the first chapter end with Twilight giving Rainbow the flower and having everyone freak out around them. There really isn't much here to grab the reader.
As for your description, all you do is focus on Rainbow and then you don't even mention her name in the first chapter. That was very jarring, because I was made to believe that this story was in Rainbow's point of view.
Nonetheless, I know you do write good TwiDash stories, so I'd like to see where this one goes.
I'd rewrite this if I was you. It jumps around Rainbow not caring that she doesn't have a date, sounding absolutely mortified that she doesn't have a date, and apparently having better things to do, but this just further mortifies her about having an awful H&HDay on top of not having a date (which, by the way, she apparently doesn't care about.)
Or, at least that's how I understood it.
I'll read the thing when I have nothing else to do, which is soon. TwiDash is something I like but don't really talk about.
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I feel like you are both right about the description. One of the biggest areas of improvement I have is writing a good description, and looking back I see that I was a tad hasty in farting something out for this story that doesn't really do it justice. I'll make a better effort on it once I get home from work, and I want to thank you both for pointing out this obvious flaw.
As for your comment on the first chapter, Abyss, it may be that I had more stuff than was necessary for what happened. It may look better once the other chapters are published and in all fairness I was going for a slower pacing in this story. There was a lot I wanted to cover in setting the tone and planting the seeds of what's to come in the next few chapters. For me, that included giving the rose some backstory, setting Twilight up for later chapters, and running into Pinkie. I found that a fair bit happened, but that might be from the writer's side and not the reader's.
6071120 'Tsun-Dash?'
6071608
Given the tags and the groups that it's in (i.e. Shipping, The Fillyfoolers, and two TwiDash groups), that's probably a safe assumption to make.
I'll be laughing SO hard if Twilight takes exactly 1 minute and 1 second.
img.pandawhale.com/79000-DIS-GON-B-GUD-gif-Imgur-HD-Edi-HrZ9.gif
6074106
At least you liked something about the story!
Nothing like a series of misunderstandings to start off a romance.
I'm intrigued...
I get the feeling something g bads going to happen. And didn't you say you had everything written? Why not release it all at once. Or do you just want to torture us? I feel like it's the latter...
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I wouldn't call it "torture" per se... just leaving you guys hanging and waiting for more
Also, keep your eyes peeled, you might get a nice little surprise later today. Basically I'm an impatient prick who doesn't want to bother with daily updates anymore!
This story has a lot of potential, and what's up so far is well-written and creative.
I can't wait to see where it goes :)
6077731 omigoshomigoshomigosh I LOVE you!
i'm actually really disappointed in the way this last chapter went. i was hoping for twilight to feel backed into a corner by dash throwing those accusations at her, for which she would realize she had no rebuttal, and would drop into 'science mode' where she would pick apart every accusation on a logical level, leaving dash heart broken. dash would fly off, running into both Rose and Fluttershy as she's going home, and would proceed to chew them out for getting her hopes up for nothing, and then finally go home and cry herself to sleep.
meanwhile, twilight feels like shit for being so cold towards dash, and questions why she acted the way she did when she realized she had no good answer for dashs accusations. she (eventually) realizes that she does have feelings for dash, is also an emotional coward, and feels a crushing sense of guilt and despair over how everything had gone. she then goes to try and bury herself in her work, only to find the flower had turned black and died, finally driving home just what she had done. she takes off towards dashs home, only to also run into rose and fluttershy, who do a simultaneous apology and tongue lashing towards towards twilight for how everything went down, making her break down all over again. they console her, and tell her that if she's really sorry, she would be at dashs, trying to fix their relationship. she finally teleports to dashs house (her living room, to be precise), and proceeds to beg for forgiveness for 'making dash hate her for toying with her heart, and being a coward.' then they talk it all out, realize that they both felt the same way, and then go on to plan an actual date at sugarcube corner that very night, followed by a make-out session that closes out the story.
Them milkshakes man... Total guarantee for future romance.
Fyi however you posted this it does not register as updated in my feed or bookshelf.
Heh, that little bit of FlutterDash. I prefer TwiDash. Still...
No Twilight, what you're going on is even worse than a pity date, it's an obligation date. You unknowingly started these feelings in Rainbow's heart with your flower, and now you're just going through the motions so you can get everything done and completely destroy any hope the two of you have for any real romance since you'll be able to 'prove' to yourself that you don't love Rainbow after your social experiment at SCC where she does everything she can to 'make' you love her, and all you've got is friendship.
Twilight reminds me of myself. Just can't piece things together when it comes to emotions.
I cried.
It was touching but LordBrony2040's right. It's worse than a pity date. Then again, I know nothing when it comes to romance. I've never been on a date or had these kinds of feelings for anyone. Meh, who cares!
Oh dear. Unless Twilight's day also involved her psyching herself out about Rainbow's possible feelings this is going to be a very awkward reading night.
And the real loser in all of this is Fluttershy, who had not one but TWO chances to have Rainbow Dash.
Unlike some of the others below me, I think this does have the shot of working out. Twi and RD both have the same problem in different ways when it comes to finding love. They are exceptional ponies who are unattainable and lonely even if they won't admit it consciously without being pushed.
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I don't think either of you really understand Twilight's character at all if you think she'd be the kind of person to go on a pity or obligation date, especially with one of her best friends. She's not stupid, and she would know what a horribly unfair thing that would be to do to someone.
You seem to think that, since Twilight doesn't harbor feelings for Rainbow now means that she could never develop feelings in the future since Rainbow has already revealed her attraction to her. That's a flat out ridiculous view of how romance and interpersonal relations work.
Rainbow put on those shipping goggles tight to not realize Twilight's confusion for being genuine. I think they were both equally oblivious here.
6078544
I'm sad to hear that you feel that way about the last chapter. And honestly, I'm not sure whether I agree or disagree with that rather detailed outline of what you had hoped would happen. I can't say if it would make a better story than what I have written or not, but what I can say is that it goes in a very different direction for what I envisioned for this particular story.
What you outlined has a lot of dramatic and near-angsty elements to it with how Rainbow and Twilight would act and react to each other that I don't think fits within the purview of what I was going for here. Not that I have anything wrong with healthy doses of drama in stories, just that I wrote this story intentionally avoiding it. It also kind of goes against the Rainbow and Twilight that I wrote for this story. For example, even if Twilight said no and wasn't interested in dating Rainbow, I don't think Rainbow would be as heartbroken as you imply. She's not in love with Twilight (at least not yet~). At this point, all that's happened in terms of feelings is Rainbow seeing stuff in a new light and kinda liking what she saw. Would she be upset? Sure. Sad? Definitely. Maybe wanna cry? Most likely. Personally, though, I think she'd be more angry at Flutterbutter and Roseluck for making her buy their bs and embarrassed at making an ass of herself in front of Twilight.
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I personally disagree. Like Zaphod said, it isn't exactly very "Twilight" of Twilight to go on a pity or obligation date. I think you also missed the point of the last part of the fifth chapter. Twilight wants to give this a real chance. She's not doing this out of pity or obligation, but because she wants to try and see what Rainbow meant. She wants to see if she can feel what Rainbow felt when she thought Twilight had the hots for her.
And again, like Zaphod already said, just because Twilight doesn't necessarily share Rainbow's feelings now doesn't mean that she can't share them ever. That's kind of the whole point of dating. I might also point you to a few passages towards the end, where Twilight says she believes that this particular misunderstanding could lead to something wonderful and at the very end when she says that what she and Rainbow are doing feel nice.
I really liked them arguing with each other about how it was the other one who in fact had feelings for her. Although I was hoping that Twilight's calm and collected state would break down a little and she would become nearly as emotional as Dash. Still, a very good story; thank you for writing this.
6079533
Thank you for reading it! I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed it
Oh, you're stories are quite well written and I loved this one . A great writer, and scribbles down some Twidash. That is an amazing combo! Here is a like, favourite, and a follow
I can definitely tell that this was written as a one shot that became too long and then got separated into chapters. The flow is all out of wack.
As far as characters go and your quality of descriptions, it's all really good. Twilight feels very in character and she constantly is saying things I think Twilight would actually say. Roseluck was also very well done. I'll read the second chapter soon.
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Thank you!
6084229
Yeah, I agree. The flow and everything is pretty wonky now but probably reads better as a whole than it does with individual chapters. At this point I'm not sure if it would have been better to have posted it all as a giant 24k one-shot or not.
Oh my. This will be very awkward for Twilight.
"Twilight, I'm here with the flower!"
"Oh, thanks, Rainbow, goodbye, now."
"..."
I hate rainbowdash, i really do. Her personality and actions just rub me the wrong way, but the way you portrayed her in this story.
Well, all i can say is that i hate her a little bit less now. Great story man.
6078589 Ir didn't mine, either. I only found pout about it when I was checking the stories in my "Especial Favorites" Bookshelf.
And I've got all the right things checked for anything I have in Faves or Tracking to show up in my alerts.
Weird, huh?
And you, my dear Timaeus, have made me cry like a baby.
Again.
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6098828 That's okay, though. In the end, it's all good.
I was listening to this while I read, I think it fits quite well.
Honestly, it felt like a stretch to me. Twilight (who is capable of teleporting) happens to need somepony to handle the flower, Dash happens to be nearby at that exact moment, Twilight somehow fails to give even a slight explanation (Either 'I need this for science' or 'could you drop this off at the Castle?' would have worked), and then Twilight despite knowing the history and cultural significance of the Chaos Rose doesn't understand why Dash assumes it was meant as a token of love.
Gotta say, that was a bit much for my suspension of disbelief.
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This story was a bit of a challenge to try and make more believable (it was too much fun to write to abandon it), but I did try and explain some of the stretches in story.
Twilight couldn't teleport because the flower itself—being made of chaos magic—is very sensitive to magic and would've been destroyed or gone "poof" to quote Roseluck if Twilight tried to teleport. Twilight's explanation was meant to be jumbled because she was being stressed out by Pinkie Pie. The reason she didn't understand why Dash assumed it was for her was because she thought she was being reasonably clear when really she wasn't.
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Your first point was fair; I had forgotten about that. The other two ... eh...
You meant for Twilight's explanation to be jumbled, but it's far too vague and unnatural in common speech to be anything but the product of an author's need. That she was unaware of how easily what she said could be misinterpreted is almost unbelievable, especially since that Twilight knows what giving that flower to a pony means. It would be akin to me giving a friend of mine a bouquet of red roses and a bottle of wine, then just saying 'Here, I'll explain later tonight" without somehow being aware that he could think I was hitting on him. Then, to continue the allegory, when evening came and he returned with those and started making painfully obvious advances, I somehow didn't realize why.
Twilight may have started out antisocial, but she's come a long way, and I have a hard time believe even at her lowest level of social skills she wouldn't realize what was happening.
To be fair, if I had realized what this story was I would have avoided it (I had been expecting a comedy from the description and neglected to check the tags), but forced conflict/drama is a problem regardless of the genre.
6159520
More than fair enough.
I could chalk up Twilight's ignorance of the situation to exhaustion from spending the day with Pinkie Pie and assuming that Rainbow knows that she's never had any romantic inclinations towards her, but you are right. There was a fair bit that was generated from author's need, and that is something that I need to work on for future stories. We might also have different interpretations of Twilight and how far she's come socially. She's definitely come a long way, but I still like to think there's room for that oblivious-Twi from earlier. Either way, it's again something for me to look at in future stories.
Even though you read this by accident, thank you for taking the time to provide feedback. I really do appreciate it
At long last!
This is the shipfic I've always wanted to write, though accepted ages ago that I'm not skilled enough to execute it. So I instead turned to looking for fics that fulfilled all of my wishes for a great shipping story, without running afoul of all of my pet peeves. And this story, man, this story, it expertly and seemingly effortlessly avoided every annoyance I have with practically every other shipfic I've read.
No incredibly stupid forced drama like the type of thing BronyPonyMan earlier in the comments wanted.
Neither character has a crush on the other before the story starts—the relationship develops in the story rather than by author fiat.
No "Oh, my traumatizing past and hopes for the future are similar to yours. That means we should totally be in a relationship now!"
The relationship develops via dialogue and not just because the characters like the feeling of cuddling.
For that matter, the dialogue sounds realistic and something the characters would actually say; they're not all gushy and sappy and already saying that they love each other and want to be together forever.
No melodramatic bullshit where characters scream at each other before one runs away heartbroken. I know this is basically the same as my first point, but it bears repeating.
Plus just a million other minor pet peeves that this story just deftly avoided and replaced with something great. I've practically never been able to read a shipfic before without mentally yelling at a character "Why did you do that?!" and then mentally yelling at the author "Why would you write that?!"
And this time... nothing! Everything flowed the way you'd realistically expect it to. Every character was reasonable and did things that made sense considering the situation.
And I haven't even talked about how awesome the story was actually written! Great descriptions and dialogue, no mechanical errors that I noticed, I could feel the characters' emotions every step of the way, and the whole thing was just really sweet and cute and well-done, from beginning to end.
Seriously, I'm so glad that I found this. I loved it. Thank you so much for writing it!
i dread reading the next chapter now
>Mfw that last scene
i.imgur.com/WX4oWce.gif
"I've never felt a tension like this before!"
Seriously though, as cliche and obvious as this story could have been, you managed to pull off an amazing work.
It reminds me of pixar in that if you just TELL someone the plot, it sounds like the most boilerplate cliche stuff, but the execution is so good you're just riveted the entire time.
I rarely comment on superb stories. I usually reserve my words for people who need help, but this one... I simply had to thank you... and I'm not even that big of a TwiDash fan!
Great job!
This story was fantastic, through and through. Even though every form of TwiDash has been done to death, as it would seem, stories about the shipping never cease to amaze me, and this story is no exception.
Yes, that is going to go out of control fast...
Awesome choice of words Twily, there is absolutely no way she will confuse your intentions.
Great work.