agreed, the transitions could use some work, but they aren't that bad. also, and this might just be me, but rainbow doesn't seem right to me. she seems a bit more self-absorbed than i remember her. i felt she should be a little more aware of something bothering scootaloo. but thats just my opinion, outside of those two things the story is really really good!
Not bad. A few small mistakes, but the characters are believable, and it looks like the story should be pretty solid. There is one little edit I'd recommend that you make though. When Fluttershy and Scootaloo are talking, starting here:
"So...tell me, are there any stallions in your life? You've become quite the beautiful mare." Scootaloo nearly dropped in embarrassment.
There's no "said Fluttershy," or "said Scootaloo." If you're going to do alternating dialogue without explicitly stating who says each line, that's fine, but you should start a section like that by stating who says the first line explicitly. That way the reader knows who starts talking, and can keep track of whose turn it is to talk after that. As I first read it, I thought that Scootaloo said the above line, and that Fluttershy was revealing that she too had a crush on Rainbow Dash. Of course it only took a couple of seconds to read that section again and see where I went wrong in my interpretation, but if I have to go back to reread something because I'm not sure about what was meant, that's a pretty good sign that it could be written a bit more clearly.
Also, I feel kinda bad for pointing this out, if only for the creepy stalker vibe, but in your bio you said "peak" instead of "peek." Just seems like you'd want to remove a typo from your bio. Fabulous picture though.
aw scoots i have a feeling dash will not notice and scoots gets with flutters.
Ahhh, Night my friend you have yet to dissapoint me with you work.
Very, Very, Very good. You should write more.
Your transitions between scenes could use a little bit of work. At times you jump several hours ahead with little indication that it had happened.
Still like the story so far though : )
agreed, the transitions could use some work, but they aren't that bad. also, and this might just be me, but rainbow doesn't seem right to me. she seems a bit more self-absorbed than i remember her. i felt she should be a little more aware of something bothering scootaloo. but thats just my opinion, outside of those two things the story is really really good!
i love it could use moore spike though.
Great job! But why do I get the feeling that Fluttershy likes Scootaloo?
It was brilliant! You should add more!
Not bad. A few small mistakes, but the characters are believable, and it looks like the story should be pretty solid. There is one little edit I'd recommend that you make though. When Fluttershy and Scootaloo are talking, starting here:
"So...tell me, are there any stallions in your life? You've become quite the beautiful mare." Scootaloo nearly dropped in embarrassment.
There's no "said Fluttershy," or "said Scootaloo." If you're going to do alternating dialogue without explicitly stating who says each line, that's fine, but you should start a section like that by stating who says the first line explicitly. That way the reader knows who starts talking, and can keep track of whose turn it is to talk after that. As I first read it, I thought that Scootaloo said the above line, and that Fluttershy was revealing that she too had a crush on Rainbow Dash. Of course it only took a couple of seconds to read that section again and see where I went wrong in my interpretation, but if I have to go back to reread something because I'm not sure about what was meant, that's a pretty good sign that it could be written a bit more clearly.
Looking forward to future chapters.
1907658
Ahh, I see your point. I'll be sure to fix it when I can
1907720 Glad to be of service.
Also, I feel kinda bad for pointing this out, if only for the creepy stalker vibe, but in your bio you said "peak" instead of "peek." Just seems like you'd want to remove a typo from your bio. Fabulous picture though.
1907753
...XD I'll do that now
1907753
And thank you for the compliment ^^
'nuff said