• Member Since 10th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 6th, 2016

TheFineBrony


I'm back

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For years Rainbow Dash and Soarin have been on and off. Soarin had been dating Spitfire for years now. All of the Wonderbolts knew that Soarin and Spitfire were destine to be together. This is until one event throws Rainbow Dash's and Soarin's lives for a loop. Everything changes, priorities shift, and ponies change. Spitfire's life is shattered, her dreams of being Soarin's wife slashed, and her love is cut in half.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 50 )
Comment posted by Frizzy deleted Dec 27th, 2012

One word, D'awwwww

Are you kidding? This is the best piece of writing in a while, aside from some grammical errors and some sentence construction errors this is awesome, I need more!

Comment posted by TheFineBrony deleted Mar 28th, 2013

Woman may have birth pains but they will never know the true pain of being punched in the balls

Mr.Dash?... Soarin Dash.??? *GASPS* soarin dash!...SOARIN DASH!!!!!!! OO:pinkiegasp:HHHH i see what you did there...HAHA very funny :rainbowlaugh:(i mean it hysterical.....literally, I laughed... ok fine whatever dont believe me....haha soarin dash..heh rainbow DANGER dash) LIGHTNING DASH REALLY, hey why not have another daughter but leav the firstname and change the last LIGHTNING DUST- lol jk, love ur story btw..heh:twilightsheepish:

Well... I hope you don't take this too hard.

Your story is cliche, your characters are pretty bland you have some issues with saying things twice and saying things a way that takes twice as long as it should.

That being said, welcome to the club. I'll tell you what I learned, and most of it is Slow down. You don't have to take the story so fast. You aren't thinking your ideas through, some scenes seemed hashed together, a problem that you could fix by going back and rewriting them. The story has potential but take a moment to think about how you want to play things out, how do you want characters portrayed? What can you have those characters do in order to portray them that way? How will that fit in the story line. What is the end goal? How can I get the characters from where they are now to where I want them to be? What kind of lesson can they learn? Am I really portraying this character how I want them to be portrayed?

Saying all that, you've got some decent ideas running through your fic, but don't be afraid to cut anything that isn't helpful to the story.

Hope that helps you out a bit. :pinkiehappy:

I AM GOING TO LOOOOOOOOVE YOU IF YOU BRING OUT MOAR CHAPTERS:flutterrage::heart:

Hmm...this is actually giving me ideas for my current Soarin' centered fanfic.:moustache:

It's definitely a unique story, and something that I personally, haven't come across.

YUSH! SOARDASH FIC! MOAR! :flutterrage:

Uh... If you want to... that is...

:fluttershysad:Why Why :raritycry::fluttershbad::fluttercry::fluttershysad:
Poor spitfire Why for the first time in my life I wish Soaring and Spitfire would be together :fluttercry:

You could benefit from an outside reviewer. You have multiple punctuation and spelling errors, mostly homophones, that are easy to catch.

Um.....I think i just died from cuteness :moustache:

Rainbow Danger Dash? xD

More Lightning Dash? Please? :scootangel:

2502295
I agree though I'm female. Don't forget though, that while getting hit in the nuts may be more painful than childbirth (ignoring the months with the child :pinkiesick:), childbirth lasts longer. My own mother was born for 25 hours. :twilightoops: 25 hours of having a watermelon sized object being pushed through a space that's usually nearly closed and is more used to only an object the thickness of a fat sharpie marker. Since people in America tend to have two or three kids and guys, vasectomy or not, keep their stuff for the rest of their life, I think it's about equal :rainbowderp: unless of course you're a comedic actor and get a nut shot every other movie scene or an asshole

Darn and I really hoped Spitfire wouldn't be a jealous fool in this story. Silly me for thinking that :facehoof:

2529131 :rainbowlaugh: their blank faces makes it funnier

I had a feeling that Dashie and Soarin' would be a little naughty enough to conceive before the wedding. :raritywink:
Aw... I can't seem to resist the sweet little angel: :yay:
Whoa... Touching flashback. :fluttershysad:

I don't believe it! Spitfire kidnapping Dashie and Soarin's daughter? She really HAS lost her mind! :pinkiegasp:
Good thing there's a happy ending. :twilightsmile:
You know, it could use some nice rewriting. Meanwhile, well done! :raritywink:

3035821

Yeah, this was before I had an editor to help me.

3036452
You can always fix it now.

Spitfire went crazy like pinkie went crazy in party for one :pinkiecrazy: :rainbowkiss: but Soarin saved the day

I really like the story but the pacing towards the end felt a bit quick for me, also, it probably didn't flow as best as it could in some parts but I'm being super hyper critical, it's a really nice piece of writing :twilightsmile:

3184388

Yeah, it was my second piece of writing. I know its really not that good, I like to think that I have improved over the time. I'm always really cautious with timing, I try now to slow scenes with thought or past memories etc. But glad you liked it.

3184748
All good :pinkiehappy: I read some of your other stuff before I read this so I think that's why I was so harsh on it :derpytongue2: do you think you might consider re-writing this fic some point in the future? :twilightsheepish:

Spitfire is crazy!! :applejackconfused: :unsuresweetie:

i like this story not cos of the new foal lightning dash but that soarin' and rainbow dash are together as a married couple i mean is it that obvious in the shows that rainbow dash and soarin' should be together but i love that stories like this tell everyone that saorin' and rainbow dash are together LOVE IT :heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:

This is cute!!
And spitfire is crazy!

The story could definitely use some major proofreading. There's a fair number of misspellings, and also some incorrect grammar.

In terms of content, it's all rather rushed. I feel like there's two different stories here, one about Soarin and Rainbow Dash having a daughter, the other about the relationship between Soarin, Rainbow Dash, and Spitfire and the problems caused by Soarin leaving Spitfore for Rainbow Dash. Both of these could have been stories in their own right, but they're mashed together awkwardly and rushed on top of that. If they were to be put in the same story, it would have made more sense to have all the Spitfire stuff first, THEN go onto them having the child.

Maybe giving criticism at this point is a bit pointless because it was an early story and you seem to have improved in your later parts, but I figured I'd give my perspective. If nothing else, though, you might want to go back and try to edit the various typos, if not necessarily the content.

4951495

Yeah I think I'm going to delete this story. This was my second fic and I can say it's horrible. Im now working with an editor and its all been smoothed out. I feel I've improved vastly from this. And wow you're the second critic I've had in one day. Not saying a bad thing.

4951541 no pleas don't delete this story it may not be the best but it's still good :fluttershysad:

Woah. The Soarin and Spitfire part is so not going into my head.

Lightning Dash? Dose everyone name one of her kids that? Me...and Disneyfanatic, everyone...

Love this story, but one thing that keeps bothering me is that I feel that Soarin is only staying with Dash because of their daughter and not because he loves her :raritydespair::fluttercry:, but that's just in my mind... right?!:flutterrage:

I don't think anyone is allowed in the hospital room when a Woman/Mare is giving birth :applejackunsure:

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