• Member Since 17th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 21st, 2018

DarkZonker


Well, I guess you found me. Here you'll find some below average to average writing and a fan of Star Wars.

T
Source

After an ambush on a diplomatic mission, Obi-wan and Anakin barely escape with their lives. Stuck on Equestria with no fuel and no communications, they will uncover a dangerous plot that will test their resolve like never before.



Undergoing revisions.

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 52 )

Feedback would be appreciated!

The feedback will be here shortly

Aka:RIGHT NOW awesome story MOAR CHAPTERS:pinkiehappy:

Well I'm working on the next chapter now, it's gonna come out maybe tonight probably tomorrow. Bear with me, it's most likely really bad

Wish there were more Force Unleashed crossovers.

You could always make one:applejackunsure:

1817849 I know right, I demand more force unleashed crossovers.

The first thing I think of when I hear Unlimited Power, is PewDiePie playing Condemned when he tases an enemy.

More chapters please. The suspense is killing me.

1907007
my bad, i have a lot on my plate currently schoolwise. i'll try to get it out soon

Story pacing is too fast. Also the characters don't seem have any depth to them. The way your characters speak say a lot about them, their past experiences, things like that. These two main characters have spent a lot of time together. They should have an idea what he other is thinking, that includes not having to immediately remind the other that making a jump into unknown space is dangerous. (I can picture Anakin voicing his displeasure at the thought, then perhaps elaborating on it later... not flat out saying unknown space is dangerous, but hinting at it) Not everything needs to be flat out explained to the reader directly. Good writers can work in details where just enough information is given for the reader to draw their own conclusions.

It feels like you grabbed a plot, and made your characters to fit the plot. Supposed to be the other way around if you want your characters to have any depth. Take Luna, for example, if she feels uneasy about a possible "disturbance" wouldn't she be compelled to do something about it right away? (Better safe than sorry?)

Lastly, scene music doesn't help your story come to life. Just a thought.

Sorry, but it's too many story elements, too fast. An unknown explorer and a local "bad guy". We've seen it. If you want your story to really stand out, be original!

1973390
well seeing as how i'm a terrible writer i'll try a little harder. I always have terrible writers block and I always want to rush past parts, but i will try on details, and thank you for the feedback

This is a great story. I haven't noticed anything that needed to be fixed, so keep up the good work!:twilightsmile:

Discords a sith dear God.

are you not entertained!?!

I wouldn't if I were you spike.

When will chapter 5 come?

1994260
soon soon, most likely the weekend or midweek. I'm in my school musical so i dont get back until pretty late at night

Lol, love this story. I agree with Obi-Wan, why DO so many species have life debts? Wookies are the ones come to mine, thank you Zalbaar (KOTOR)

2022356
Yeah, i went on a big star wars binge of everything that i have ( which is a substantial amount) to try and make this a better story, and i found a lot of life debts occurring

i like this hmm i have to wonder how this is all going to end:unsuresweetie:

I have question. Will Celestia try kill them? Or talk to them? I want to see them beat the shit out of Celestia for attacking them, but I just wanted to know.

The start is in a different font size for some reason. I had to lean in to read it.

Finaly a new update!!!!!:pinkiehappy:

2309793
indeed, i've been pretty busy lately

what the hell just happen :ajbemused::pinkiegasp::raritydespair::rainbowderp::fluttercry::facehoof: do you really have to do that

2309817 Was well worth the wait. Now... MOAR!!!!!!!:flutterrage:

2310251

Naw it was fine. Any other being would have acted the same. Fighting to protect the ones you love.

Man i wish this story was in the star war group bolog I'm trying to find some star wars crossover mlp but unless it says star wars or someone decides to put it in I cant find it

Hope u continue this

3237394
thanks, i'll try. might be a bit of a wait tho

3238512 y not ask other writers for help may help u finish chapters faster if u want

3239278
well i dont really know anyone and i dont have my pc anymore

seems pretty good so far, but I do hope that you remember that it is literally impossible for someone to track a hyperspace jump, especially a blind shunt. they can only look to see what planets have been mapped out along a certain hyperspace tangent.

Can you write more chapters please???

3711282
Hey, you got your wish. It's not a new chapter per se, but it might as well be. All new first chapter, hooray! Rejoice and be merry for there shall be revised chapters for all!

4443955 Good, prepare to be further entertained as I make Chapters 2-8 actually good

4443998 Thank you!:pinkiehappy: It can only get better as I revise it and make it not shitty

hmmm I like it. You get a like and a fave

No such thing as a terrible writer, in my book.
:pinkiehappy: You are a GROWING writer. You're actively working to improve yourself, rather than sticking with your first draft and proclaiming it to be 'good enough' to be able to move on.
While there have been more than their fair shares of 'bad stories'... let's use apple trees as an example.
:applejackunsure:(?)
Good ideas can come and go like breezes, but a good story takes time to grow.
It needs a strong structuring and stable setting, and the best are the ones that don't stick to just one aspect or viewpoint but branch out into several ways of viewing the world.
:ajsleepy:(So much depth I could add to this little metaphor, but I'll spare ya. Unless you wanna hear how far my head went with this...)

4524774 With the metaphor? Or my story?

4556603 Ah. Well I appreciate the sentiment that you put into the metaphor, and I am trying to grow like said apple tree:ajsmug:

4558357 There is one other thing I could offer you as advice.
No idea is too stupid. There will, however, be ideas that simply will not work with the shape you're going for, so these ones must be "pruned" off the tree.
But don't let that be the end of that idea.
Save it.
Save EVERYTHING you come up with.
They might not work by themselves, but they can feed into even better ideas. Like saving scraps or fallen leaves to use as mulch for new plants. The old generation feeding into the new one.

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