You witnessed the destruction of the land you swore to protect. You are left for dead, full of guilt and sorrow; but for a reason you can't comprehend you are whisked away to a new land, a beautiful land, full of bright colors and peace. You wonder what this strange place is and why you were brought here. You are a Paladin, a holy warrior who swore their life to protect all that lives and breathes in service of the Light, but after what you will experience in this land, you question whether or not you'll be the same again.
WARNING: First story I've ever written.
Chapters (9)
Don't mean to be a jerk or anything, but in the story description...
"Holly" is a plant. "Holy" is the term you're looking for.
1868999 its ok! Thanks for letting me know this! Sometimes i don't add or I add another letter to a word then it becomes something totally different lol thanks for the heads up =D
Interesting story already, much better than the other human in equestria stories i've read. I'm definitely gonna keep an eye on this
1869379 thanks bro! Means a lot that there are people who actually want to see what happens next, thanks for the positive feedback =D
Paragraphs, use them well - especially when there's two different persons talking. Never have two persons talk in the same paragraph; it only leads to confusion. Other than that, the story's great.
Tracked and liked because I god damn LOVE paladins. Especially when listening to this:
SIDE NOTE: Prepare for 2nd person hate should the wrong readers find this story. Best of luck.
DOn't rush it. Take your time filling the plot and in keeping the story interesting.
1873396 im trying my best! this is literally the first story i have written that wasn't for a school assignment lol yeah there are going to be quite a few chapters down the road to really fill in the plot!
1873671 I'm sorry, I used the wrong term: what I meant to say was add some tension and whatnot to keep it interesting. Show, Don't Tell (refer to Sparklight's blog post for further information). Add a little more to the text, if you get my meaning.
1873772 well tension is on the horizon
i just wanted to explain how the main character (you) got into the predicament you're now in 
"Breezed" isn't the right word here and instead needs to be changed to "blew". You also may wish to use a coordinating conjunction to link your two independent clauses or a semicolon.
Not an error per say, but not changing "learn" to the past tense makes it somewhat awkward.
Change "there" to "their". The commas around "delicious apples" is unneeded, because you only need to use commas for elements in a series if there's three or more.
Replace the period after "seeing" with a semicolon.
Change "freezing" into the present tense.
Not an error, but just awkward sentence structure. You linked four independent clauses together. At most a sentence should have only two independent clauses linked by either a semicolon or a coordinating conjuction.
Capitalize "i"
Change "you" to your
Either delete the "as" or the "while". Having them both renders the other redundant and makes it an improper sentence.
Awkward phrasing, "know" needs to be changed into a correspond word that's in the past tense.
Change "and" into "at".
You need to put in "she said" after the quote otherwise it's an improper sentence.
Lowercase the "Y" in "You".
Make "believe" in present tense, and get rid of the comma after "in fact".
Either change "herself" into "her" or get rid of "awareness" all together.
Since this is your first story, I really have nothing to compare this to. All I can say is that you spam commas quite a bit. A sailor could drown in the amount of commas that this is flooded in! One of the things you need to work on is your sentence structure. Terrific writing uses a variety of compound, complex, and simple sentences to weave a story. Most of this is in complex structure, that is independent clauses glued together. While there's nothing wrong with using it, an overabundance can quickly make a story grow dull.
Don't let this daunt you. Your style will certainly improve with time and practice. All that is needed is a will to go, and to chart a course into the eye of the storm of literature.
1876105 wow, i didn't realize all the mistakes I made
but I do feel as if I rushed this chapter a bit too fast 
thanks for the help and and feedback! means a lot! 
freaking love this story. If you ever need a pre-reader, let me now and I'd be happy to help.
Oh, development in paragraphs and pacing. Go on.
If it's second person and the person is thinking it, the "you" should be replaced with a "me".
Unless I decided to moon them, "asses" needs an additional "s" at the end.
Place an additional comma after "pain" and a "and".
Lowercase the "Y" in "You".
Another pseudo error, but you can lowercase "Unicorn" since it's not a proper noun. On the other hand since he doesn't know there are other unicorns, it could be capitalized if you want. Apply to other instances in the chapter.
This on the other hand will have to be lowercase as well as any other instances in the story, because he already knows there's on than more pony.
Change the second "and" into "at".
Place a "it" before the second "begins" otherwise it's awkward phrasing.
Lowercase the second "You". Also change the "know" into "now".
Place an "is" after Twilight or it's an improper sentence.
You switched your idea midway through the sentence so then you have two dependent clauses that don't make sense. Read it aloud and you'll see what I mean.
Earlier you had "holy" capitalized as a proper noun, so it's your choice if you wan to go back and lowercase the other holy or uppercase this holy.
"Fulling" is a method of weaving where you remove any particles in the cloth. So unless I impress them with my MAD TALL WEAVING SKILLS (Which I wouldn't be surprised at), "fulling" should be changed to "fully".
Lowercase the "You".
Your writing is certainly improving quite a bit. There's a huge noticeable difference from this chapter to the last chapter. I also see you shook up your sentence structure, so this is much more smoother to read. My big complain in this chapter, however is that you spammed "begin" a lot. You used it a total of 19 times in the chapter in very noticeable spots. A thesaurus search will remedy it quite quickly if you feel like a word is popping up over and over again. I also have a small suggestion: give the character something the other characters can refer him/her to. It may be second person, but it'll get really cumbersome for the characters to never actually call him anything and just refer to him/her. Perhaps call him/her paladin or knight?
THOU MUST CONTINUE ON WITH THE CHRONICLES OF A HOLY KNIGHT!
1880568 I think I'll take you up on that offer
1880877 i shall
Nice the Paladin useds Lay on HANDS!!!
1881901 not necessarily, the paladin used Word of Glory and Flash Heal
1880979 thanks! Iv'e been taking all the feedback into serious consideration
and yeah i thought it would have been a good idea to give the main character a nickname but i couldn't quite decide on what to name them but I'll go back and put something in there 
oh and don't worry THE ADVENTURES OF THE PALADIN HAVE ONLY JUST BEGUN!
1881908 Oh I see I thought he was using the Adventure Quest Paladin Class Skill Lay on Hands [After 99 turns you can fully heal yourself
1882756 oh, sorry to disappoint
but I kind of wanted to base the protagonist off of the World of Warcraft Paladin but without making a direct crossover from the game 
1882875 I see, that's interesting
Delete the apostrophe in "it's".
Add an apostrophe in after mare and before the s.
Add an apostrophe after the it and before s.
Replace "frowns" with "frowning".
Add an extra "o" to "to".
Add an apostrophe after can and before t
Add an extra s to "posses".
Add an additional s after each s.
The way you describe the light, makes it seem like it's the force under another name. Does that mean...Paladins are Jedi Knights? This makes way too much damn sense.
1905026 well don't Paladins and Jedi Knights seem very similar? They fight for Peace and Justice and to Protect, normally both are exceptionally benevolent, and they both help those who are in need. Also, I'm a little confused, is it bad to make sense? =P
1905204
I'm just shocked that all of Star Wars is just a Dungeons and Dragons Campaign.
1905522 when you think about it yeah D&D + Advanced Tech = Star Wars I guess that's why I love it so much lol
I need more chapters. Updates.
1910904 and you shall receive them.....in time
1905026
Dang, did I miss all of those
. Your making me look bad man. Ahhh well, better to have someone put them in the comments so I can try and find them next pre-read. Terribly sorry.
And Starwars is a D and D quest? My life is ruined.
Moar!
Wouldn't Paladin be a better name?
1940214 i thought about that but I figured Knight to be shorter and sweeter ya know
Uhm yeah, Rarity... modifying a Paladin's weapon (without the Paladin's or the Light's blessing anyhow) is considered sacrilege.
I'm gonna level with you - let's play a little game: I'm gonna put a tick on every cliché I've seen too much of in every HiE I have read recently. Except for when Pinkie Pie speaks like "OHMYGOSHYOUBLAHBLAH", I just don't care anymore...
It's all looking the same these days. And also:
Rarity commenting on the protagonist's clothing ✓ (it's Rarity, sure, but it's seriously getting old)
Deciding if Knight should be male or female is probably a little overdue now; it's already been pointed out alot that he's male. Anyway, please, please don't make Knight a ponylover. "dat flank." (Overused urban slang ✓) Do they even talk like that where Knight comes from? In fact, his dialogue seems a little too urban for medieval times.
(Harsh joking aside)
By the way,
Put a comma at the end if you're gonna write "you/he/she/it said/say(s)" sentences. Like so: " 'See, I'm not so bad," you say with a smile' ". Honestly, the dialogue's fine, if not a little awkward at times.
Unless you overdo the use of Bold, then it just looks ridiculous.
Also, take it easy with the caps. Use Bold or Italic instead. Makes it alot more classy.
If I seem a little critical in this comment it's because I'm a really big fan of HiE.
1941463 well the Paladin was okay with the weapon in the end plus its not really changing the blade or giving it any special powers she just added a few gems within the engravings. As for Rarity and Pinkie acting the way they did it would kinda be part of their character, Rarity talking about fashion and Pinkie being her normal energetic self. Don't I WILL NOT make him a pony "lover" I would have tagged this story under Romance if I intended to, I just wanted to bring a little comedy into this chapter, although I do believe that I might have crossed a threshold with some people with that. As for the language that Knight is using, I know it might be better using Old English but I was never to fond of that. I also wanted the casual readers to enjoy reading text that is easy to ready, as I mentioned I didn't really like the English back in Medieval times so I decided to modernize the speech I little bit. And being a little critical IS OKAY! It means you actually care for the story so thank you
Add a period
Place a comma after Dash.
Place an apostrophe in "wont".
Place in apostrophe in "lets". Lets is used for the singular form of "to allow".
Place a period after pony.
It's pretty obvious you're implying eyes, but well...put in eyes. You even left a space where eyes would be, which kinda makes it even weirder.
Change you to your
Change see to she.
Place "a" before part.
Replace is with if
Change complements to compliments.
Change the period to a question mark.
Add a quotation mark at the end.
Change the to they
Either they're blushing, in which case change the second you to they, or I'm blushing which is perfectly understandable.
Add an extra f to off
Change you're to your.
Add an extra f to off.
Awkward phrasing, in context it's pretty hard to decipher what this means.
Add an in after Applejack.
Add an apostrophe in its.
Change they to their.
Unless "Full Life Happiness" is a new term, change life to of.
Might want to add "who have" between enemies and ever otherwise it seems awkward.
add -ing to say. Also change friendships to plural...well unless you consider some ponies are more friends than others, then you COULD use the plural form of friendship.
add -y to the.
Add an s to attract or you can make place plural. Your pick.
Change if to of and change is to in.
Change it to it's.
Add an apostrophe to Well.
Change fell to feel, and change that to than.
Add of after side.
Change on to one.
Add us after of.
Change of to up.
Delete the n in then.
add at after look.
make event plural.
Make begin present tense.
It's about time you gave it(us?) a gender. It's too cumbersome to constantly mention knight or it. You'll need some variety with your pronouns.
I know that you've wanted real feedback and criticism from the start, but I was afraid that you'd be scared off. I wasn't sure if you were new to writing but I think you've proven yourself now. By next chapter I won't hold anything back from what I feel is lacking or the likes.
1944216 yeah i am new, this is the first story iv'e really ever written
1943343 It doesn't really have anything to do with giving it 'special powers' and whatnot. Paladin weapons and armour are supposed to be kept sacred and unchanged/untouched by anyone but members of their order (someone they can trust), e.g. a devout blacksmith or a priest; other sources are considered tainted and forbidden. Paranoid, maybe. But you never know if a gem (or even a strap) could be cursed.
A paladin changing his or her armour without their superiors' blessing is downright profanation of the Order and could be punished with execution or banishment. In some universes anyhow, where some of the Paladin Orders are really zealous. Nevertheless, changing the armour is forbidden if there's ranks or symbols and runes of their faith covering the surface of the plate and the clothing (tabard, cloak, etc.).
(I'm a geek, I know).
Uuuunless this is a WoW universe Xover, then everyone can do what the hell they want unless they're the Scarlet Crusade.
Anyway, I'm really grateful you're not turning Knight into a, for the lack of a better term, horse shagger. Engaging in a romantic relationship and/or sexual intercourse with an equine is definitely considered sacrilege in all Paladin universes.
I admit that Knight thinking of "those flanks" in Old english would be hysterical, but that's just me.
1944900 SCARLET CRUSADE WOO! jk f*** those guys lol anyway.The reason I didn't have Knight get upset was, like I mentioned, not THAT big of a deal, don't worry im kind of a nerd too so I understand the point you're trying to make. The gems were for more looks above all else and I'm not going to have Rarity "curse" or bring harm to Knight IN ANY WAY. I did kind of wanted to make this story sort of a WoW crossover because I AM A MASSIVE WoW FANBOY lol I love the game and enjoy it with my friends (let the hate begin) but I DIDN'T want the story to be A DIRECT crossover. Also, like I said, there shall be NO romantic relationships between Knight and anypony. As for the English I'm going to keep it simple for ALL the readers to enjoy
There shall be friendships not romances....but how strong will these friendships be? Only time will tell 
You don't need to tell the audience about the perspective shift, otherwise you run the risk of making some angry by babying them. It's pretty easy to inference that it's not from Knight's point of view and it's somewhere far away with the presence of Chrysalis and a cave.
You might also want to make Sombra's dialogue more subtle with less drawn out vowels and consonants, Writing dialogue that's to be spoken for a play is entirely different from witting dialogue in say, a novel. In spoken dialogue an actor is free to use enunciation and style to make the witting seem more free flowing and natural than it really is. It's kinda hard to take him seriously with how clunky his dialogue is written out.
This chapter also ruins some suspense. In the last chapter you left an ominous feeling of "What could be out there?" and now you just straight out say it's a team up. While it is possible this is merely a red herring, then you may make the audience feel like a different threat comes straight out of left field without any real foreshadowing towards the other thing.
1967098 alright, thanks for the tip! As i explained in the last chapter however: "...A dark power that has arisen in our land. It is beyond anything I have ever felt before. Stronger than Sombra and Discord ever were."
It's not Sombra, nor Discord, nor Chrysalis. Something darker and more powerful is brewing in Equestria and its ascension is on the horizon.....
1967174
...it's D&D 5th edition, isn't it?
1967193 looks like you'll just have to wait and see
If by friend, you mean infiltrating the royal wedding and invading Canterlot...then meh.
1992233 no, there's no wedding here
1992305 I was just wondering if these events are taking place after the royal wedding.
1992340 OH well in that case, maybe
......yes 
Oh Dear Discord was appeared [Hey that rymes
1993287 by the way, on the contrary to the most recent episode, Discord will not be friendly
.....
Stories where I start feeling dislike towards Celestia and where she is the supposed creator and god of Equestria doesn't really sit well with me.
Celestia knows about humans (bonus if MAN!) ✓
Ugh.
1997712 don't worry, things will fall into place in the end as they should