• Member Since 17th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 21st, 2018

DarkZonker


Well, I guess you found me. Here you'll find some below average to average writing and a fan of Star Wars.

T
Source

The Great War. It destroyed civilizations and changed all of thinking on Terra. Lost to time, the war has been hidden from the populace for their own safety, but now Princess Luna must explore the trials and tribulations of the people who started it to stop the machinations of the new war that looms on the horizon.



Written for The Vault of War group.
constructive criticism appreciated

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 36 )

Hmm... intriguing. I request that you write more of this.

4485982 Yeah sure. Just wait a bit. Also thanks for the fav!:twilightsmile:

4486013 No problem. And I noticed how you stated:

constructive criticism appreciated

Normally I would give constructive criticism, but there isn't enough there yet. The only things I can say about this story so far is "Interesting" and "I appreciate the lack of grammar/spelling mistakes." There are many more popular stories on this site that suffer from simple grammar and spelling errors, and they deeply annoy me.

4486037 Yeah, I try to keep my writing clean. Another chapter should be out soon, maybe a couple days

4486110 Awesome. I shall await patiently.

Bella horrida bella, ea timores omnis sed scelesti et stulti homines sunt. (Not an actual quote.)

Volo pluri~ (I wish for more ~)

4486285 Okay!:pinkiehappy: I will have you know however that I know ZERO latin. :twilightblush:

Ah I looked it up, very apt

4486292 Basically it means, "Wars horrid wars, they are the dread of all but wicked and foolish people."

:twilightsmile: I don't know much Latin either, so don't feel bad~

4486314 I'll try not to:twilightsmile: there probably won't be a lot of latin in this fic except for reliable quotes. My friends who take latin always complained that google translate was really unreliable and I don't want to look stupid

4486321 Google translate is most definitely unreliable. The most I would ever use it for is direct translation of one word- and it would still miss all of the important endings for the words.
Though I could probably find a decent database of quotes for you to draw on if you want.

4486335 Yeah! That'd actually be great! feel free to PM me it if you find anything good :pinkiehappy:

Something I just noticed about the description:

...their own safety but now, Princess Luna must...

The comma should be after "safety" instead. :derpyderp2: :twilightsmile:

Absolutely magnificent! Though simply a prologue thus far, I must say, you do a fine job in drawing your readers in. I eagerly await to see how you contribute to The Vault of War. :moustache:

4486929 That means a lot:pinkiehappy: I hope I can continue to please

His city was just below cliff,

Missing "the" between "below" and "cliff".
Found somewhere in the big chunk of text after the journal entry. Didn't see any other issues. Good job. If you want, I won't bother mentioning other mistakes like this. You're story is plenty readable as is.
Now that I've seen more of this story, I definitely want to read more. So far, it's not my usual cup of tea, but I like it. I daresay, this story deserves more views.

4502644 Thank you!:pinkiehappy: I'll fix that mistake now and I'm glad that you like it even though it's different. Hey! tell your friends if you think it can get more views:twilightsmile:

4508260 I'll see what I can do. I know one of them will like this, but it'll be hard to convince him to put it near the front of his 'to read' list because this fic is unfinished and under 20k words thus far. I guarantee he'll read it, but probably not soon. I'll still try to get as many of my friends to read it as possible.

4508336 Alright!:pinkiehappy: Thanks for being so cool!

You diabolical genius. Putting Spartans right in the middle of everything. Well done indeed. I'm very interested to see how they fight against the Holy Griffin Empire. Very well done chapter, I eagerly await more.

-That Hooded Fella

4541156 Thank you!:pinkiehappy: I do have to ask though, how did you feel about the dialogue in this chapter? if anything dialogue is my weakest writing point

Here's a quick thing that I stumbled on.

Marionette looked down to the cloaked human, slowly registering the change in language.

When a person knows multiple languages well they don't 'slowly' register switches in language, in fact they usually flip from one to another in less than a second. Especially if the second language is your common business language then you can flip it on even faster.
But hey, it don't matter! :pinkiehappy:

4590302 Oh, okay. I'll change that to something a little more real. I've only taken two years of french that I didn't care about so I don't really know languages too well

Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum

To have peace, prepare for war.

The title alone makes this interesting, (I have a fondness for Latin) and I am adding this to my read list. :twilightsmile:

4642681 I hope you enjoy it :twilightsmile:

Nice. So I'm guessing you subscribe to the 'dragon's last tear' thing. Something like a dying dragon releases its essence in some form. If it reaches the earth it is past onto the after life, if it hits something living it passes on its life to the thing, usually resulting in partial metamorphosis or enhancements that show the host is partially dragon in essence.

Also I just wanted a clarification on the 'gain full dragonhood' thing. Is it just do X and Y and be excepted or is it a 'do something great and powerful or whatever'.

4643318 I was thinking it would be like a coming of age thing. A kind of personal metamorphosis that sends a dragon from the teenager phase we've seen in the show, to the full grown stage that we've seen every other dragon in. It wouldn't be like one second they are the teenager then they do the thing and POOF they're a massive beast. More like the act itself catalyzes the next stage of growth

4643398 What do you think of it other than "Interesting". Good idea or no? It can be tweaked if it's not

4643410 It's a rather good idea to have an action catalyze the massive amount of growth that would take place. I always thought it would be move like the dragon proving full independence and gathering its own horde and making or finding its own home, though for a country of dragons that would be a bit tough since the dragons are supposed to be all in one area, though carving out their own territory from surrounding areas might be a good test, which also might explain your dragon's actions as it would be declaring by the destruction of the trees and blatant eating of another dragon's gems (gems found on its land in this case) would be a declaration of 'I take this land for my own' or something of that sort.


Also, do you do the 'dragon's last tear' bit or was I just reading a bit to much into it?

4643446 I have never actually heard if that. Is it a trope? If it's what you said in your previous comment, then yes, that's more or less what I'm doing. He's not going to become dragon, he just has dragon magic now more or less. I'm going to build on it more as I write. I'm still fleshing out the things I want to do with it

4643923 Not so much a trope as a certain... belief? I'm not sure what to call it. Maybe you could call it a branch of dragon lore.

4645160 Okay, I'll try to read up on it a little

Sooo...update soon? This story is too awesome to not update!!! Also love the Atlantis, Latin/Roman, and alchemy/transmutation references!!!

5389949 Yeah, soon I think. I've had a chapter half finished for... four months now? University has been pretty rough lately, but it's my winter break now so I'm hoping I can get some content out

5390374 Same here. I can't wait to see where this story goes!

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