• Member Since 8th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Starlitomega


That guy wot does the kissy horses, usually of the pink variety.

E

Rainbow is having a bad day, and It's not getting any better. Surely things will get better once she gets home to the one she loves. One off ship-fic with Rainbowpie or Pinkiedash, whichever you prefer.

Hope you enjoy!

Of course I have to give credit to my wonderful editor Shadowsreached for another great job in making sure things flow and sound like they should. Ironically, she's looking for an editor too so if you know someone *wink wink, nudge, nudge*

As always constructive comments are always accepted, considering recent event though, i will quickly block and remove any comments trying to start something

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 18 )

ok whats the deal with people downvoting stories before even reading it?:facehoof: anyway you get a upvote from me i liked it then again its been forever since we had any pinkiedash around here.:pinkiehappy:

1764796
It's just people with nothing better to do. I'm sure i've ticked someone off in the past and they just downvote anything i do but in the end it doesnt matter. I'm glad you liked it though. :pinkiehappy:

Just wanted to drop by, and offer help with the prof reading.

I won't be able to do it for you, but there's a group called profreaders and people willing to prof-read that's devoted to that. If you don't find a prof reader there, you never will :twilightsmile:

1764880
i DID proofread it.
I had someone else proofread it as well. If you're referring to spelling errors, those are are cordoned off to applebloom and applejack and a few words like "wanna" which sound more natural in the character's voice than "want to".
There might be a couple quotation punctuation mistakes but i went through this damn thing with a fine-tooth comb in word and my in-browser spellchecker. Unless you can point out the problems i can't fix them.

1764947 I ment for your editor. You wrote in the description that she needed one, and i thought *he would be able to find one in that group :twilightsmile:

1764958
Oooooooooh!
Thanks, i'll show it to her, she's kinda shy though and doesn't like bugging people.

1764958 Hey!! Thanks for the advice! I actually just got one from that group (they are helping me edit right now)! :twilightsmile: I gatta agree with you, if you can't find one from there you probably won't find one :raritywink:

1765000 1764971
Just happy to help. It is, after all, what we prof readers do :raritywink:
(Yes, i am at the site myself, but i ain't that experienced. only 2 works, and 1 story myself (info is not acurate either):twilightblush:)

>Opening paragraph.
The first line seems to be Rainbow Dash talking. If that's the case then you must have a new paragraph in order for Cloudchaser to speak.

>while i clean up
I

>It’s gonna be a long day.
You don't need to italic this. You're writing 1st person PoV. The narrator is Rainbow Dash.

>It’s easy which helps the time go by, lets me practice my stunt flying, and usually keeps me too busy to think
needs a comma after "easy"

Watch your tenses. IN the first section you use past tense:
>I snapped around to see
>I nodded solemnly.
In the second, you shifted to prsent
>But today I am thinking.
>I can see Applejack.

While you could have switched tenses for effect, there doesn't seem to be a reason for your narrator to have done so. Either keep everything in the past or switch to the present. I like present tense for first person, but both work. If you can stand clop, see Dash's Birthday Present (under my page) for first present and Dash's Diary: Pinkie's a Stallion! on TAW's page for first past. Both are very similar fics that hilight the effectiveness of present vs past.

>I’m gonna get twilight ta
Twilight
Personal opinion, AJ's accent doesn't need quite so much spellin'. You can usually get it from syntax, word choice, and sentence construction.

>earliest i could have it
I

>it’s a surprise for
Fluttershy
enter derp
Also, Rarity didn't think of this in the previous section when talking with Dash?

>If only.... I thought to myself as she flew away.
Again. Dash is the narrator, you don't need to italicize or add thoughts with "I thought".
>Loyalty can be such a pain.
See above. I'll also point out that, unless the EoH are playing a roll, none of them really ever identify themselves by their element. It's who they are, not what they do. Dash doesn't think about Loyalty because it's just being Dash. This is something I note in a lot of fics. You'd be better off just assuming she is loyalty and have her act like it w/o comment from herself. If you must have a comment here, make it more about sometimes, friends can be a pain or something.

> Soren
Soarin

>“I have a lifetime to teach you,” I said, winking at her. Pinkie just giggled in her infectious way. “You know you’re still soaking wet right?”
Two speakers; one paragraph :|

>I sneezed serendipitously in response
> serendipitously
This is an egregious example of "telling". If you must have the reader realize the sneeze is "serendipitous", then show it instead of telling us. If you need an example of show vs tell, I can make one for you.

>“Heh, heh, I may have skipped lunch today..."
You don't need the ellipses there. You only need that when a thought trails off and is abandoned. Example of proper use:

I sense something. A presence I've not felt since...

>“Just say it Rainbow!”
>I smirked to myself at her little outburst. “I love you Pinkie.”
, Rainbow
, Pinkie

This was over all cute and kinda sweet. It's reminiscent of The Make-me-Better Boutique.

1767412
Ok, first off, THANK YOU SO MUCH! :pinkiehappy:

This is quite literally my first- first person fic so I'm still learning the ropes. Thanks to your clear cut suggestions i was able to wrap up those errors pretty quick. most of the formatting errors such as multiple speakers in a single paragraph seem to stem from me copy pasting from word which is a big enough pain as it is. i may just write the next fic completely in fimfiction, though i do like the spell and grammar checking in word better than my browser.

just as a stylistic choice and to make it completely clear to the reader, i kept AJ's ridiculous drawl, it's just the way I've always done it as I've had people walk away confused as to who is speaking before, but not since I've overblown it like this. id rather the reader think its crazy than not know who is talking or muddle the story with boring speech tags I'm not good with in the first place.

i do tend to go overboard with ellipses, but i generally only do it when i think a pony might let a sentence trail off, such as sweetie at the end of the hearts and hooves episode when they're talking to Cheerilee.

As far as the sneeze thing goes, i understand your concern there, but i literally cant think of a better way to do it. i considered the *achoo! route, but that's not technically correct, and i'm not sure how else to do it, but the mental image of pinkie asking rainbow if she realizes shes wet, and rainbow's only response being a wet sneeze really feels good. If you know of a way to reword it and still keep that gag, ill be happy to use it, and maybe i can adapt it for later use in other situations that might call for a similar gag.

all in all, thanks for the help! i can already tell its better for the new changes. :pinkiehappy:

Aw, cute! I like how you had Dash taking her job seriously and how AJ returned to apologize after she found out about the mix up. It just seems like something she'd do. Very cute and slice of life-y - nice job. :pinkiehappy:

1791090
Thanks for the kind words! Rainbow is never really portrayed as being a complete slacker, sure she was lounging a bit in the first episode, but if you look at her later on she is clearly a hard worker and takes her job seriously. Also, i kinda wanted to use that as a bit of a turning point for her night, i wanted it to be a sign that things were gonna get better for her, while still maintaining the ominous uncertainty she faces when she gets inside.

thanks for taking the time to read and comment! :pinkiehappy:
starlitomega

1792155

Yeah, I always enjoy portrayals of Dash that show more to her character than napping. She was pretty into Winter Wrap up, after all. I think it worked well for a turning point, too. :pinkiehappy:

I really, REALLY liked this story! :pinkiehappy:
It really shows a whole different side to RD that we don't get to see often, but we know is definitely there.
I think you did an amazing job capturing RD's personality and traits, which made the story that much better.
Also, I'm loving the PinkieDash ending! :pinkiehappy:
Keep up the amazing work, good sir or ma'am.!
:moustache: :moustache: :moustache: :moustache:

Oh my gosh the end was so sweet.

Gonna adapt it to one of my stories. My hearts all fuzzy.

Well done.

Enjoyed it! Great work! :twilightsmile:

This was still the cutest thing in the universe.

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