• Member Since 7th May, 2012
  • offline last seen May 28th


This is a superfluous feature and you should feel superfluous.

Comments ( 188 )

Can I write a clopfic without it devolving into a stream of terrible jokes?

Yes, but only in the same sense that I can lick my own elbow: it takes far too much work and impresses people even less than just sticking my fist in my mouth.

In any case, I suppose I should provide some exposition of particular obscurities. I think I might have done more research on this bit of nonsense than I have with any other of my fics thus far, perhaps with the exemption of Fifty Sheaves. I'll be updating this comment with explanations for every chapter as they come:

Qualia: what kinds?

With the preconsonantal unstressed 'to' being pronounced in American English with a schwa, I swear that it's genuinely a struggle not to turn all of Rainbow Dash's 'to's into 't''s.

—The conlang Twilight's working on is a theoretical creole of Old French (Old Lowlands) and Middle High German (Middle Northern Highlands Unicorn).

—'Engourdisry' is a butchering of the French word engourdissement, tossed willy-nilly into Early Modern English.

—Namadicus is the extinct genus modern Brahman cows are derived from. Ishpan is derived by analogy (oh my god I love that phrase so much) of Iran from Old Persian aspa, meaning horse.

Ye Æcreponnyes Gwwedde to Unscaedwis Becaystræn bytwixt ye Cyorpfyolcyes in ye Courrynt Æra is a terrible mixture of Old and Middle English transcribed willy-nilly, literally meaning The Farmerpony's Guide to Indiscriminate Whores amongst the Commonfolk in the Current Era. The extract should be easy enough to get the gist of. Clawecunct was a real last name around the mid-1300s, possibly derived from the Latin cunctus (collective whole); the less subtle Fillecunt was also a real name in the early 1300s.

—Twilight coos I love you. I don't know what I would do without you, my love in Old French.

Quantacumque: how great?

Blame Margaret Atwood for this chapter. I think it might be one of the longest ones I've yet written, but that's probably a consequence of experimenting with different styles.

—‘Kopet’ is a pun on the origin of the English name of Tibet, (derived from Turkic Töbäd) from Turkish köpek, or dog.

—Iran went through the Islamic revolution in the late seventies; priorly, copies of Playboy and other Western pornographic magazines were left out in the open.

aš-Šams is the Arabic word for ‘sun’; ‘Asham’ for ‘Celestia’ is derived by analogy of Allah (viz. al-`ilah). ‘Coverer’ is the literal translation of kafir, or unbeliever.

Quemadmodum: through what method?

Quantity—as Applejack so charitably exhibits—is never quality. I think I spent less time on this than the other two chapters each; bad writing flows trippingly from the fingers.

I don't actually know that much about pornography, other than Martin Amis' excellent article on why assholes are reality and pussies are bullshit; presume the Equestrian pornographic industry is much nicer than the American.

I originally intended for Twilight to say 'rape isn't sex' in an attempt to discredit Dash's admittedly terrible point, but then I realised that even she's probably grown out of that reprehensible semantics game.

Country matters is a pun from Shakespeare's Hamlet, act 3, scene 2; stress the first syllable.

—Karl Marx's first name is etymologically derived from Carl, cognate with Charles, meaning freeman; the German word for 'freeman' is, of course, Ehrenbürger.

la-Ville-des-Poneys-sur-la-Gorge-affreux-en-face-du-fôret-Everfree is essentially just Ponyville on the Ghastly Gorge across from the Everfree, or, literally, the Village of the Ponies on the Scary Gorge facing the Everfree Forest.

—There are no curved apostrophes on typewriters.

Sundorcræft is Old English for 'private craft' or 'special talent', taken from Archonix's excellent Xenophile's Guide for Equestria.

Chanfro is Portuguese, and in this case refers to the bridge of a muzzle.

Quale is in fact English, and a term for an individual, subjective, ineffable experience.

Quatenus: to what extent?

Yes, ponies with guns. If they've got arcade machines and robots, I'm just going to presume they've got weapons technology on the level. Derpy as an distinct expy of Lawrence of Arabia in the Iran-Iraq War was just too good an idea for me to pass up.

I sometimes wonder what a field of dead ponies would look like; the pony body being so predisposed towards individuality, it must be quite a horrific show. Perhaps even moreso than a field of dead humans.

Relatedly, my search history's starting to look like that of a Confederate Neo-Nazi Muslim extremist's.

Khishba is Arabic for fertile.

Masum Muhriz literally means 'Innocent Victor'. Muwajahat, or 'confrontational', is inspired by the Arabic name Saddam, meaning strong commander, ill-omened confronter or one who frequently crashes.

—'Husharic' is a portmanteau of the Classical Arabic word ḥuṣān and the English word 'Arabic'.

Quomodonam: how, pray tell?

I like to think this chapter mirrors the disappointment of Judgement in its own, special way.

Also, for the love of God never ever Google Image Search 'female genital trauma'.

—'Follower' is a possible translation of the Greek name 'Icarus'.

Apoparthenevomation and metionizonization are nonsense words derived from the Ancient Greek (no I don't know which dialect probably Attic or something) ἀποπαρθενεύομαι (to lay aside one's virginity) and μετοιωνίζομαι (to procure happier omens for).

Ipparionic is derived from the Ancient Greek for 'pony', ἱππάριον.

Iecur adamantinum is Latin for incorruptible liver.

Quamdiutinus: lasting how long?

This chapter was inspired by the profoundly touching Vagina Monologue The Vagina Workshop, by Eve Ensler.

I originally thought that I'd have Rarity have a normal high-school experience, but then I thought to myself: what's the fun in that?

—If you've taken science lessons in fifth grade, you by all rights ought to know what anthers and stamens and stigmas are. If you don't, I'd suggest doing some cursory reading on plant reproduction.

—The Pacifican Era is a reference to the Pax Britannica—by extension, the Victorian Era—during which mauveine was developed and purple became an immense fashion success.

Quemindignus: how indignified?

This chapter went through three iterations: one with Donut Joe, one with Trixie and finally with Star Sparkle. Trixie, in particular, was particularly annoying because I had to spend several hours finding the 'Laurentian' word for 'horse' to make a pun on Canada before realising that Jacques Cartier, the bellend of a man, had chosen to ask how to say 'cunt' and 'pourpoint' but had not undertaken the task of asking them about the things they rode around on.

Trivia: gangsters in general tend to actually be very bad at slapping, because they're not trained; they don't know how to focus their force, and so when you see one of them beating a woman, for instance, it often takes a lot of slaps to actually get something done, mainly because it's like getting hit by a whiffle bat.

—The Flutter Ponies are fucking badass.

Métoikos was the term used in Ancient Greece to indicate free citizens of other city-states.

—Fragile X syndrome, the most common single-gene cause of autism, is caused by a trinucleotide repeat expansion in the fragile X mental retardation 1 (FMR1) gene.

—Steve Carrell was the star of the hit 2005 comedy 40 Year Old Virgin.

—The 'Proxima line' is not a real thing, but I'm presuming for the purpose of this headcanon that empathetic links go out to about one lightyear.

—A baculum is a penis bone.

Riding the Bull at Gilley's: Convicted Rapists Describe the Rewards of Rape was an extremely influential 1985 study on the motives behind rape, considering it from the perspective that the question shouldn't be why men rape, but why they did not rape. 'Gillie' is the Scots word for a fishing or hunting attendant.

—Giuseppe Verdi's La donna è mobile begins with the lines la donna è mobile/qual piuma al vento; I'd imagine the Equestrian version would be something like la donna è mobile/qual pium' del pegaso.

Quamobrem: for what reason?

It took me for-fucking-ever to find out how to spell 'promiscuous'.

I had to google 'word for slutty' like a filthy pleb. I've never felt so degraded.

—Mind worms are indigenous to Planet.

—The closing sentence to the Declaration on the Right and Responsibility of Individuals, Groups and Organs of Society to Promote and Protect Universally Recognized Human Rights and Fundamental Freedoms, adopted in 1998 by the General Assembly of the United Nations, is Nothing in the present Declaration shall be interpreted as permitting States to support and promote activities of individuals... contrary to the provisions of the Charter of the United Nations.

Interregnum: between monarchs

Fuck jpeg artifacts.

—The comic is a Photoshop from Persopolis. The only thing it has left in common with the original is the black border.

—A 'fag hag' is a woman who befriends a great deal of gay men.

Quaraenam: why, pray tell?

For this section, I had to do painstaking research on both sensual and transformation-based pony pornography. If this arouses you somehow, I would like to be informed and fully briefed; the sort of person who would get aroused by something like this is the sort of person I study.

—The Zegarekski UH-60 Black Gryphons are a reference to the Sikorski UH-60 Black Hawk; sikor, literally 'tit' (the bird), is Polish slang for wristwatch (zegarek).

—Tracer rounds are basically glowing bullets.

A fine farce.

The whole "sperg" thing came out of left field, not sure how to feel about that.


Use footnotes - lots of fun.

Also, I don't always tumblr speak, but in my FimFic, goobby pls

I originally had her said 'you're not autistic', but then I realised that that would consist of far too many syllables. 'Sperg' is the only American slang reference term I have for high-functioning autism patients. I'm aware of two other reference terms from my dialect of English—'zibi' and 'retard'—but I don't think either would issue from Dash's larynx.

If you have any suggestions, I'd be glad to receive them.

You are a genius and I will be the surrogate of your children, but I figure that I might as well hold off on explaining jokes until the story's over proper. Gives a bit more of a rush of understanding, yes?

1642291 Dash's response is appropriate for the reasons you give, having the topic come up in the first place is what feels weird to me.

I do like how you throw entire settings into the background to be used once and then abandoned as soon as the reader has had their pleasure from them. Strangely thematic.

Oh lawd, have mercy on dat ass.

I made it here before Regidar!
Where's my cookie? :flutterrage:

1660285 where did ...you find that:twilightangry2:

Yeah... gonna read this when my migraine goes away. I think if I tried to read it now, laughing will kill me.

Damnit... I wanna read it NAO though

Question, how can Applejack be a pornstar if she's asexual?

Asexuality - Asexuality (sometimes referred to as nonsexuality), in its broadest sense, is the lack of sexual attraction to others or the lack of interest in sex

The same way I can write a clop if I am.


Yes, but wouldn't you agree that it would be absolutely boring? You're not into sex, at all, therefore, the chances of you writing a decent clopfic while being asexual is unlikely, since you wouldn't be able to truly put any feeling into it. Same goes for the porn, by stating that she's asexual, it's basically telling the writer that there's no way she would be in pornos, whether it be because she didn't want to do it or because she would be so boring that the producer wouldn't be able to make any money off it.

1661151 Walls.

Walls everywhere.


You know what?

This fic.

This fic is aight.

Tracked followed favorited, fuck.


Hey, I'm just stating the facts.

1661410 Still.
Time to tear down some walls.

I need to learn more Pink Floyd jokes.


"If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!"

1661467 :rainbowkiss:


"Fishbowls. Fishbowls everywhere."

I just....what?...I?...I dont....ever...what?....huh?.....just.....uh....i dont even?.......................................what?:twilightoops::pinkiecrazy::fluttershyouch:

So yeah, I think this definitely counts as one of those stories.

I'm just gonna keep reading.

I'm afraid that I find sex fascinating and pleasing others gratifying, even if I might not be attracted to them; this being so, of course, sex itself (without any migrating factors) is often very boring, which is why my sex scenes so often descend so quickly into farce.

If you wish, you could read Applejack's chapter. That might be more productive than arguing the 'facts' of my sexuality with me. :twilightsheepish:

:fluttershbad: I feel dead inside now. Poor Flutters...

On another note, only 10 seconds? Weak, rebel, weak.:ajbemused:

I meant to imply, given that she returned in the late evening despite setting out at market time, that Fluttershy was lying to cheer Rainbow up.

So much... Latin? Old-English? I dunno.

:pinkiesick: Well...

That certainly took a turn for the worse.

"I don't know the first thing about getting laid and I'm putting up a fight because I'm too insecure to admit that my books can't tell me everything and I'm telling you my motivations because I might be autistic!”

I'm autistic and I don't act in that manner AT ALL!

I'm rather offended at using autism as an excuse for insecurity and blabbing secrets.

Otherwise this is interesting.


What he said.

Also, I cannot read this. This story started silly, and got dark. This is just plain unpleasant.:pinkiesick:

Ya juked me.

:trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright: OK...
This was interesting to say the least...

Well, I can tell you use various amounts of writing styles. The first 2 chapters were a little difficult to follow (albiet I am not as literate as you seem) but this one flowed very nicely. Well done on all 3 to say the least, I look forward to the rest.

There's no such thing as a normal first time.

tell anypony, in any case; the

Not sure if you wanted her to cut off midsentence or not. These metatextual things are always a bitch to decipher.

Anyway, weird. I like it, it is like anti-clop. Reminds me of the first couple chapters of "120 Days of Blueblood" or American Psycho or something. All the base elements of extreme porn (not so much violence here, but there is still rape and killing and whatnot) are there, but the language and situations are so deliberately bizarre that it is only slightly more arousing than the instructions on the side of an oatmeal canister.

If I may say my opinion, part of it is that due to the fact that it's so dry it could make a desert blush, we aren't told what the people in Derpy's story are feeling, and are left to wonder.
I actually follow the blog of a guy in the porn industry, and the first thing he says when questioned is that it's literally all in the buildup; even erotic fiction that has patently incorrect anatomy can still be very hot, if written well.

Also,I think this is the best serious chapter to date in this story

I could complain about the story being stupid and full of fuck, but I'd rather complain about your weird writing style, hard to follow dialogue, and odd asides to Islamic history and fiction. Confusing to read pile of WTF. And try not to write shit that makes it necessary to google more than one term a chapter.


I'm sorry that you can't masturbate to this, but that was never really my intention—even if it would be a happy side-effect. I'd greatly appreciate any specific advice you might have.

If this story really is very difficult for you to understand, I urge you to consider trying something less taxing; the day I stop making references to the most obscure bullshit (I can't wait until I get opportunities to make more references to India and China and every other culture in Asia) is the day I hang my keyboard out to dry.

Alternatively: the day I start writing things for people unwilling to Google things is the day I become American.

(Speaking of Islamic history: if anyone's reading this, Fisk's The Great War for Civilisation: Conquest of the Middle East is one of the best books ever written and should totally be read by anyone who gives a fraction of a shit about world politics.)


Even the Hitler of bizarre writing David Foster Wallace remembered to have a few sentences explaining his obscure references for the normal human beings reading. :twilightblush:

And how much geographical gasp does that book require - lets say for someone who only knows the Tigres river as that one place in Snow Crash?


You know, your distaste of bizarre writing styles reminds me of myself as a teenager - I was addicted to several decigram doses of caffeine, and at peak (600mg or 3-6 cups of coffee), my body would feel sorta like when there's a fight after school and everyone gathers around to see the fight - the two potential valedictorians have been fighting about who's going to be accepted into MIT first even though MIT really doesn't care about early vs late admission except for deadline differences - there is a huge crowd but apparently someone was dumb enough to post it on facebook and now the cops are incoming as well as rentacops school security, but they're old and don't want to risk injury (I heard that Mr. Logue was a MMA fighter who got injured in his youth) - the cops can take down the seniors better and surprisingly the fight goes from talking to actual fighting when they hear the sirens (they just want to get the fight over with before the cops arive) and a punch flies from one of them and lands squarely in the other guys eye, he's pretty upset at being punched in the eye, but he really can't see so he punches blindly, aiming for the stomach but accidentally hits the other guy's groin which he would have never hit as it's cowardly/gay; it hurts and soon the first hitter is really angry at this and so he retaliates - an eye for an eye renders the world - and now his foot is in the other guy's junk who's fist is still near his crotch and so he lashes out and grabs on and the spectators are simultaneously aroused and terrified at the sight - the police get their batons out and are ready to party like it's May 4, 1970 - the police chief knows the meaning of this incident and calls them in to stop as one of the fighters(does it really matter anymore) rips off the other guy's pants and underwear in one (probably planned) move and apparently they're both erect at this point and the spectators that would be offended have left so now everyone is either gawking or waiting for the police chief to explain himself - the chief has been suffering from (managed) schizophrenia but everyone in the department knows and is worried that he's finally snapped and apparently he has - chief starts speaking in tongues, officers try to call in for an explanation but his voice is loud and transcends the frequency spectrum as the continuous bandwidth of his voice asymptotically approaches aleph omega - the original fighters are now in a 69 position along with the spectators in a massive shitty(literally so) orgy and where the fuck did they get those whips and butt anal plugs, but really nobody is paying attention to the exact details - their cocks are now glowing with a light outside of space and time and more importantly mind as the police chief's song modulates his radio's FM band to a NORAD command frequency and now President Obama's red telephone(to be exact, BlackBerry) rings and he's now forced to make a major decision and as he thinks about it his cock glows and tells him to BOMB BOMB BOMB IRAN and so he calls a nuclear UAV(wait, who's dumb absolutely brilliant idea was this) - the chief's modulated FM signal now shifts to QAM and takes control, blindly firing off commands - but chief doesn't need data as** the Board of Directors is controlling excessive dopamine that's flooding his brain** - I don't think he even is conscious at this point, just a biological Owen Meany and now the fighters(was it one or three point five originally retrograde) are back on their feet and they shake hands because the police chief shouted loud enough into the radio for everyone on Earth to hear that MIT doesn't provide a strategic advantage in early vs late admission - their hands are sticky, but does it really matter - the UAV drops two low-yield atomic bombs(think Davey Crocket except 20% cooler * in T-10 seconds flat so the reality will be doubled) and then God reaches in and cranks some knob up to 11 and soon they're packing 333333333 + 1 megaton in a packet of unreality and everything in the blast radius is probably going transform into some sort of hyperstableenergy - this really annoys the space time continuum(he's been having a bad day, I think he's going to snap) so the blast reaches backwards through *t=i2 and chops a hole in the space time continuum, sending the circlejerkers somewhere between Flatland and The Structure, their structure approaches limit of x as approaches infinity = 42D and then they bounce of Silam The Star Shred and collapse back onto 1D+2T which is unstable and promptly collapses to 2D which is also unstable in terms of material construction and so it flattens out into the spectrum as The Imprisoning God downsamples it a fucking wmv file of all formats(is he like retarded or something) by shifting matter states into RGB and sampling the derivative of the word-line as 44.1 khz and performing a gender transform on the dataset and today you learned that's where porn comes from.

I knew precisely jack shit about the Middle East before that book. It is one of the most amazing things ever, re: the human and political side of every major Middle Eastern conflict except the Lebanese Civil War (which is covered in Pity the Nation, which I haven't read) since the Armenian genocide up to 2005. It begins with an interview with Osama bin Laden, who tries to recruit the author, and gets better from there.

Also that was an amazing story 10/10

Amit, I'll have you know that I am very lucky that there just happened to be EMTs outside as I read ch 1... yes, I just about laughed meself to death! :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:
And I wouldn't think of Twi as a sperg; my best friend is one, and I can attest that Twilight would be closer to me in my manic moments.

I've never learned so much and been so aroused at the same time. :rainbowkiss:
This fic is something else, a good something else. Thank you Amit :pinkiehappy:

Personally, I feel the writing is overly verbose, especially for most of the ponies in the story. The characterization feels a bit off too, but what really made me stop reading was Derpy Hooves and the shotgun scene. It feels utterly out of character and breaks not only the mood of the story, but the setting itself.

Well, now I will never look at Derpy the same. Also well done sir, you continue to entertain me with your enticing story telling.
I would give you my slice of pie but I ate it.

While I found the first chapter hilarious, the next three I found, in their own ways, to be darkly disturbing, and wanting more. This is definately one which I anticipate updates to continue to draw my soul in enveloping me in a darkness that leaves me craving.

Bravo to you, good Sir, for writing something this gripping.

I get turned on by facts and intrigued by sex, you get turned on by sex and intrigued by facts. It's a win-win situation.

I'm sure that a character we've only ever seen wall-eyed in the background is perfectly knowable from her single defining trait, which happens to be a physical disability resulting in reduced hoof-eye coordination.

3ableist5me brah

This fic does not make any kind of sense. The format is very confusing :facehoof:

Bon-Bon groaned and leaned back in her chair, misery covering her features.

“Just get out.”

I think it'd be funnier as "Just get the fuck out."

Cool story though. Made me cringe and go dayamn!

Login or register to comment