My name is Richard Pretorius.
I am 23 years old, born in Johannesburg, raised and living in Cape Town by my parents, Gwendalyn and Pieter Pretorius.
I have an older sister, Helen Pretorius, she is 27 years old and is currently working at Oxford England.
My parents sadly passed away in a car crash four years ago ago I have been living by myself here while my sister helped me with whatever money she could spare.
I am suffering from strange memory lapses and I may be losing important memories.
These are important memories. Whatever happens I must not forget these ones.
Oh God...
Someone, please help me.
Chapters (1)
Hello everyone, my second fic, and this time it's a one-shot journal style experiment that I've been meaning to try. I don't mean to imply anything about the TCB genre with this, just an attempt to make a horror fic in this style.
This isn't going to go anywhere, and it's in no way, shape or form related to my TPoG story. Comments are welcomed, I really want to know what you think of this style.
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"Prepare for unforeseen consequences, Mr. Freeman."
Well, I think you pulled this format off rather well. Not bad for a one shot.
Starting this, I was really iffy about it, simply because you used the word 'monster'. It's unclear whether he hates ponies (in which case, he wouldn't have gone to the bureau), or whether the serum transformed him into something else somehow. What ended up happening isn't indicated at all in the summary, and since it's pretty much the premise of the story, it might be a good thing to change.
That aside, I liked this a lot. The South African slang/language/whatever it is was nice, if a bit confusing. Small gripe: if you're going to use that sort of thing, make it clear from the start that your character lives there. I also liked the way in which you displayed the gradual deterioration of Richard's mental state, though the last bit of his journal, the entry that's ostensibly from April, was just kinda dumb. I get that you're trying to illustrate the fact that he no longer thinks like a human, but would he really be writing if his mind was animalistic?
One last thing: you got me to read a TCB story even though I lost interest in this AU a long time ago. Just thought that might be something you'd like to know.
I like it because it doesn't seem like people have to either choose ponydom or death.
Gotta say man, this was really good. When I first read the summary, I honestly thought this was going to involve zombies for some stupid reason.
But when I realized what it really was, I got pretty excited. I just love this style of horror. Mostly because showing the deterioration of someone's mental state using a diary just sends a chill up my spine in a way most other horror styles can't. So for this you get a thumbs up, a favorite, and just for the hell of it, a watch. I hope you make other one like this.
Whoa.
OK, this was creepy. Well done.
The only thing that didn't make much sense:
Why do they close the bureaus when they know there was something wrong?
"We may have "broken" newfoals out there. Let's make sure they don't get any help at all!"
Yeah, right. Maybe those guys worked at a nuclear power plant before?
Oh, should I travel through the woods
Or should I not wishing I would
For above me lurks within the trees
No one could hear my deathly screams
The palest man, the blackest suit
Bigger than the tallest brute
Six black arms will grab you up
Or, stalk you till you just give up
A top hat bares upon his head
Makes your soul fill up with dread
He takes you when you least expect
Boil you up, and eat your neck
He'll leave your body not to eat
But staple your corpse on a tree
Fear the man, the slender man
For he can do, what no one can.
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I knew that someone would do this. It was inevitable.
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Merci!
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I originally was going to go for a different approach, more akin to what the summary/description implied, with Richard literally trapped in a body which did horrendous things when he fell asleep/lost consciousness and was fully aware of what he had done. But then I decided to change the conflict into a loss of memory/humanity as I felt that it would create a more interesting drive for Richard.
The description remained because... I'm not exactly sure why, but you're right. I'm going to need to change it.
One of the reasons why I find this sort of journal style stories so fascinating (especially writing one) is that what the character jots down are not his complete thoughts and do not offer the full picture of what is actually happening in the story. There's a lot going on in the story beyond what Richard is writing, and I had a separate outline that detailed what happened while I wrote the journal entries.
While I did make Richard explain where he lived (the first 'My name is Richard Pretorius' bit), I only did so because I was in fact a bit worried that the bits of Afrikaans here and there would confuse readers who don't know about it. If it still wasn't clear, then I'm sorry, perhaps I should've done something more. But I was hesitant for the two forensic investigators to drone on with exposition since I felt that it would just ruin what I was going for.
And yeah, I was thinking of having Richard (or what was left of him) become obsessed with the journal, hence why he kept on writing on it and solely focusing on writing (albeit in an incoherent manner), hence the 40 pages filled with writing in less than a day. He still technically can think, but his mind has been broken so much that his thoughts are akin to a rambling of a madman. Although I will agree with you that having him write until the April entry is overdoing it. Maybe make his last entry at the end of February or something. Remember, just because the date says April or February, doesn't mean that it is that date. Really, he was picked up by the police the 28th of January.
And I'm glad that I got you reading the TCB subgenre again.
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That's the thing, they don't. Richard explicitly stated that he was happy that people had the choice of either staying human or going pony, though not forced by the barrier as most stories would have it.
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Same here man. I always liked the journal entry format for a horror story because it offers a very different perspective than that of more traditional formats.
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Glad I wowed you.
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Technically they closed the bureaus to stop further changes until they could figure out what was actually going on. Think of a boat taking in water, you stop the leak before you pump out the water that got in.
Again, as I said before to Orpheus there's a lot going on beyond what Richard is writing. The idea was that while the bureaus closed, scientists from both sides would get together to try to figure out what was going on. Unfortunately for them, it happened far too fast for them to resolve it.
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Slenderman is an awesome meme/fad/myth/whatever, but this has nothing to do with it.
So shoo.
Just reading the summary and seeing that cover pic give me Silent Hill vibes. Very large Silent Hill vibes.
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Funny, I was listening to the Silent Hill soundtrack while writing this. Coincidence?
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I did consider going that route, but it had been done before in another TCB fic, and while I would've liked to have tried that just for the sake of challenge, I opted for this. However, as I've stated before, a lot is going on 'behind the entries' - this final iteration of the fic has very little Jekyll and Hyde influence.
A bit of a spoiler: in my secondary outline, I had Richard visit the Sisulus to try to get his mind off of the memory lapses and distract himself. Suddenly he forgets where he is and who those people are. In his confusion, he overreacts when one of the kids jumps on him (wanting to ride him) and injures the child. The parents react in turn, making Richard panic. He crushes their ribs while trying to defend himself. This makes the kids cry, and in this moment of confused panic, Richard tries to shut them up by smashing their heads in. He suddenly stops, realizing what he's actually done, and feints at the sight of so much blood.
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indeed.
Talk about creepypaste material...
Oh wow, that certainly was creepy. Very creepy. Stories chronicling a character's descent into insanity always get to me.
Though I personally consider diary-style writing to be phony, I gotta admit the narrative you put up is all gripping, effective, and terrifying as well. Yet I say it doesn't come from the format but more from the kind of terror poor Dick goes through. It was nothing I'd expected, not "normal" insane but desperate insane. (Put rather bluntly in the end: "The sick thing is that these people knew that they were losing their minds and nothing that they could do would help them." BTW, the "and" should be "but" with a comma [or to be really honest, the sentence structure there is just plain kak].)
And a legitimate grammar goof: "anything that the ponies have been saying are true" --> "...have been saying is true".
I'm not gonna try and go into the theme of the story. For one there are some questionable plot bunnies hoppin' around which play out well for the plot itself but leave a hazy mystery hanging over a lot of things. I don't think "Richard is one unlucky Afrikaner" gets anybody very far.
I was waiting for Richie to go completely insane, beyond manically desperate, but I'm glad that didn't happen (as much as I enjoy stuff going more or less like I would've written it).
What's in here is in here and it works well.
Creepy, pah, this barly even caused emotion to register. Play SCP Containment breach during midnight. Then you'll learn what scared means.
this was very good i hope to see more like it
Daaaayuuumn. Poor sod. Good job on the story. It was worth the time it took to read several times over. I tried reading another journal-style TCB fic (which shall remain unnamed), and it came off as abrasive, contrived, and used only for the purpose of slowing down the narrative while adding nothing to the plot, characterization, or entertainment. It was trying too hard to constantly remind you "Hey! I'm in a unique format! Look at me I'm special!"
But you, good sir, pulled it off well.
I don't like human fics, but I have to say, this was good.
The journal format was done well. Just the right amount of information was given to the reader to keep them interested, and the descent into madness was very creepy.
I don't really have much to say for any problems I found with it, other than maybe the tone leapt from rather normal to creepy a bit too quickly. I think maybe a couple more entries could have been put in to set up and foreshadow the descent a bit more.
All in all, a very clever and creepy piece, deserving of praise.
Well at least Celestia handed those responsible over
Wait, a TCB story where it's mentioned that Celestia isn't evil
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The fact that the people knew they were going crazy but couldn't do anything about it was a sick twist to the plot... I have had a mental breakdown while being totally aware of what is happening so I can honestly say you hit the horror of the situation on the head to a degree I didn't think you would.
I loved this story and the way it was presented so good job
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Thanks!
I think the epilogue is a bit vague and leaves me asking what exactly had caused this turn of events.
4759091
Well, it was sort of meant to be open to interpretation. Whereas the setup is similar to your average TCB, just without the hidden agenda.
Ladies and gentle men, the only good Conversion Bureau fic.
6784419
I'd say that there are a good number of other 'good' TCB stories on this site. Be a little bit more open-minded when searching: you'll find some diamonds in the sea of mediocrity and misanthropy.
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6798342 Concur'd. I've made 5 and the second chapter of one of them made all the readers freak out (in joy) so I gotta be doing something right. [/shameless plug]