This is my attempt to create a new story arch based partially in the Conversion Bureau Universe. This is a short one shot story.
The Conversion Bureaus have been successful. The ponies were victorious. The entirety of the human race had been successfully ponified... or so it seemed. The truth of the matter however is that humanity was not extinguished. A splinter group of humanity known as the Radical Dreamers had spirited the remnants of humanity away into the vastness of space. Now they make their way on a group of world ships to the distant world of Aeos and to what hopefully is the rebirth of their species. During which the Radical Dreamers intend to forever change humanity for the better.
I hope to eventually create a large story arch based on this story which will begin a thousand years after the events of this story when Humanity and the Equines will once again meet. These Equines will be from another reality and not the one's from the conversion bureau universe. So consider this my parthenian shot to the conversion bureau universe. I have ultimately decided that despite the excellent stories from users such as Chatoyance and Full Metal Pony I do not like the premise behind the universe and I find the very idea absolutely appalling and it makes both humanity and the equines look bad.
Good story; needs some commas here and there, and some more semicolons. Make sure that you now how to use conjunctions correctly.
So, how is this a Conversion Bureau story then?
when some other character talks, it's common sense to start a new line.
also quite a few mistakes....
short like hell
and if there is no sequel involving MORE ponies, I'll pretty much have to agree with Chatoyance
1093727 It's still a good story so just shut up and enjoy it.
1093815 That might be, but it's mislabelling itself as a Conversion Bureau story, and it doesn't feature ponies as significant characters.
And next time, don't be an ass to other people just because you liked it and they don't.
1093727 The flashback has ponies in it and makes up like half the ridiculously short length.
Plus they're obviously going to turn themselves into changelings and travel back in time to assassinate Celestia before the barrier can form... okay I'm making that up.
1093847 Ok I'll grant you that. Which is why i want to find a TCB "Humans in space" fic where lyra and the backgrounders tag along. And about the ponies needing a signifigant role thing, maybe the author could make it like G.R.R Martin and have the next few chapters focus on other characters on converted earth or something?
1093727 It's funny, you bash others stories, yet you can't take an heat on your stories.
1094059 Except that she does have a point, and her comments were directed to the story's lack of pony characters in any significant role. If the author had continued the story to where the surviving humans met the new ponies he talks about in the summary, then that'd be different. As it stands now to Chatoyance and myself, this is a story about humans. Not humans and ponies, just humans.
Furthermore, it does strike me as just a wee bit petty that you would come onto another author's story and use their comment section to criticize anyone, but especially someone who's not even the author.
1094141
No. She doesn't have a point. There are ponies in the story, even if it's in flashback.
And you have the gall to make such a statement about someone else using a comment section to criticize someone? How about Chatoyance using someone else's comments section to advertise her own story complete with a link to the Goddamned thing, which is basically her own little fix-fic because she didn't like the author's story, and the fact that she did it without his permission?
You fail at making a point here, Cloud. You fail even worse by defending Chatoyance for her antics on here especially after the shit she pulled on Anthropology. She doesn't like the story, fine. But she doesn't get to say it doesn't belong here simply because the humans didn't get ponified. Deal with it.
1094271
I'm afraid I don't understand the point you're trying to make here. So, because you say she doesn't have a point, she doesn't? All we're saying is to us, including ponies in the flashback doesn't seem sufficient for it to count as a pony fanfic.
But either way, I don't understand how my defending Chatoyance here has anything to do with Ten Minutes: Aftermath, or how what happened in the Ten Minutes comment section is in any way relevant to what's going on here.
However, I'm not in the mood to derail this story's comment section any more. If you want to continue, feel free to PM me.
1094314 Now I know why people talk bad about you, behind your back
1094271 I think that a greater example would be Operation: Candy ass. I pretty much lost any and all respect for her as a writer, brony, and sentient being after reading that.
But that is neither here nor there. Let us direct any and all comments back to the fic 'kay? SO HOW ABOUT THEM SPACESHIPS!
Just ignore JDR and Cloudhammer. You ust might be on to something.
1094583
I'm actually curious to see where the fic goes. The idea of the Generation ships is intriguing, and I'm anxious to see if it leads to a return to Earth in the future for the humans who escaped, as they make an attempt to retake the world that was stolen from them.
Bravo, hope you continue this, despite what others say. I wonder what they are going to do with Earth. Leave it to the ponies, or take it back?
The main problems with this story are the dialogue, which is very wooden, the lack of descriptions, and the very poor formatting. Other than that, the premise is good.
1093727
Ma'am, may I ask you a question?
Were there ponies in this story too?
1093727
Well apparently the mods disagreed, and they're the ones who count.
Your story's got a lot of potential but some parts are choppy and the grammar needs a bit of polishing up. Also numbers less than one hundred are written out unless they are part of something like a combination, a name or something similar.
On a sidenote, please have Humanity interact with the ponies in the future. Or show glimpses of how the ponies are doing in the world they conquered.
Honestly, it's pretty sloppy. Very rushed. There are multiple, easily avoidable mistakes such as two speakers in the same paragraph. I'm willing to preread if you want, just PM me. Also, there is a lot of show rather than tell. These events you describe in passing seem important. It would do well to have a flashback or something and show the scene. And you do try to show them, but it's better to have a separate section with page breaks in between the setting so the reader can immediately tell "OK, here is the main story, and here is a flashback. Oh, we're back to the story" instead of "wait, this is a flashback?"
1093727
>implying The Friendship Virus is more pony related than this
>implying dozens of "humanized Equestria" fics are more pony related than this
Hop off your high horse, Chat. Mods think that having ponies involved in the fic is enough to warrant it a pony fic. Get Knighty to annoint you a mod and maybe your unwarranted self importance won't be as unwarranted.
1094141
>anti-TCB poster uses a TCB (particularly Chat's) fic's comment section, reviewing the story in depth and offering thought and counterpoints while offering suggestions that would make it better
>IF YOU DONT LIKE IT DONT READ IT
>Chat attacks the story in a way that does not help it to improve and insults the mods' intelligence, not even contributing any thought or a review of the story
>She has a point, guys. Calm down
Sure is double standards in here.
>spend time writing not-asshole review with constructive criticism
>be even-handed in comment
>computer crashes and bluescreens just as I'm re-reading it before I hit "add comment"
>madashell.jpg
I kid you not. It clearly is not meant to be. I CBF trying to replicate that half-page-plus monster, so I'll summarize it:
>The pone is lacking with this one - I am going to jump on the bandwagon and say there's not a lot of pone in it. Enough to pass moderation, perhaps, but I personally would feel antsy writing and submitting a fic here with this much pony in it. (I'm sure the mods give us a lot of leeway with regards to this rule if it's got "TCB" in the title, though) If I were you, I'd write some pony characters in sharpish. This is a MLP fansite, after all. Don't have to be canon characters or nothing, full OC cast is fine, just... magic, four hooves, etc. I need my fix, doc.
>You done goofed the grammar - Dropped balls noted throughout the story, definitely want to get a pre-reader or editor up in your grill, or fix that yourself. New lines for new characters talking, tag dialogue as much as you can, and questions should have question marks.
>Forecast for boredom - Unless I'm totally wrong, you've situated this story at what seems like the start of the 1000 year exile for humanity. I cannot think of a way to keep the ball rolling for that much time without skipping through time like a little time lord girl, if you don't just pole-vault the lot and get to where all the juice is, humanity coming home. Probably would have started with the reunion, myself, and filled in history as people asked other people about it and/or with old captain's logs or something.
>Overall: People are putting their hand out to help you pre-read and shiznit. You'll want to take those hands if you can, because let's be honest - you need it. If nothing else, proof-reading.
And to finish it off, I had a whine about holding Chatoyance up as the exemplar of TCB writing - she does a lot of it, and let's be honest, the quality's pretty darn high, but her writings are (clearly) not everyone's cup of tea.
There are other authors out there that write TCB, and they might write a TCB story that's more to your taste. (Or they'll write one that you hate more, possibly. Who knows.)
Point is, I feel like you're making a "one bad all bad" judgement, and I would urge you to dip your finger into more of the TCB pies on offer. (Although you will want to dip with care. Quality control varies wildly.)
~~~~~~~
The original post was longer, believe me.
Not to sound like a broken record but how'd this get past moderation? I mean sure it has some ponies in it but it was for a sentance and the rest is all humans in space. Also it doesn't seem to have a plot or anything besides, "Were humans and were on a ship, so you can suck it non-existent ponies."
Also the grammar is really bad, and I'm usually the most lax person when it comes to spelling and grammar but this seems like didn't even get looked over before posting also everything is choppy and rushed.
The story had potential but it failed really quickly and all most seems like it was done on purpose.
All I say is to put effort into stories and read before posting.
1093727
Your just mad that I raked your precious Conservation Bureau universe across the coals and then brought it in front of everyone and showed it what it really is the destruction of an entire civilization and species by another in other words genocide. I must say I'm very disappointed in you. The fact that you can't take someone criticizing your beloved.
1095773
Yes greatly appreciate that in the future if your willing. I'm fully aware that I'm not the best writer I never pretended to be, but there is something you guys need to keep in mind. All of you seem to have very high standards which is fine, but I'm doing this for fun and not necessarily to impress anyone. Keep that in mind its not like I'm writing the hobbit here.
1096995
If you want to know why I wrote this Bunana King. I wrote it because this is my true feelings about the conversion bureau universe. I wrote it after you told me to write what I actually thought so I did, and this is the result. I'm sorry that my true opinion of the Conversion Bureau isn't to your liking though I really am.
1097630
Just put it onto Google Docs, enable sharing, and "can edit". Then send me the link. If you don't know how to work it, just go to docs.google.com and sign in with a gmail account if you have one. Then go to "create" on the left and "document". The "share" button will be on the top right. Then copy/paste your story and I'll see what I can do. If you want me to preread, then write it in there and send me or someone else the link.
And I would say you're overstating yourself with saying Chat being mad, but considering her story, The Friendship Virus, is set in the human universe with MLP as a TV show mentioned in passing and is pretty much just a rant about non-MLP issues, and thus even less MLP than yours, yeah. She's pretty mad.
Wow I never expected this to get on the popular list. thanks to those who liked it. Also I'd like to take a moment to clear up some misconceptions about.
1. Yes I am going to continue on with story, eventually. This particular story however is a one shot and the future series story will take place 1000 into the future and will begin with contact being reestablished between Humanity and Equestria. Bear in mind though this will be a different Equestria one more similar to the canon Equestria and not related to the conversion bureau for all intends and purposes I'm done with the conversion bureau universe.
2. I'm sorry some of you didn't like the lack of ponies or the fact that there portrayed as the bad guys, but this is honestly what I think of the conversion bureau ponies. Bear in mind though I love the canon ones so don't get the wrong ideas.
3. I might make a bunch of other one shots that will flesh out the back story lead up to this story.
4. I see that a lot of you claim that my writing is sub par, and while I appreciate the feedback I at the same time am perplexed at this since no one seems to see the problem except you guys (including my friend who's an English professor.) So I have to wonder if you guys have raised your standards to high after this is fanfiction not writing my term paper. Also bear in mind that I'm doing this for fun.
1097653
Well maybe I am a bit, but you got to admit she is a bit overprotective of this sub fandom of hers, and I honestly think that that's probably part of it. The ironic part is is that the eventual series I'm planning based on this stories universe takes some ideas from the friendship virus.1097731
But for now let's celebrate my first real success. Sentai Music NOW!
1097651
No the only problems here I can really see is the lack of spelling and grammar and the plot failing. The story has potential but it ends up failing, my sudgestion is to plan it out and check the story before publishing.
Man, people are not liking this fic that much. I personally enjoyed it somewhat, but you can do so much more with this idea. If you fix the grammar and add more to the story like the humans returning after a 1000 years, than it would be way better. Or you could just make a sequel, either way I'll read it.
1102675
I'm with you on this one.
I thought TCB's premise was a bit....off.
I like the fact that this guy is showing humanity do what i would have. Doing everything in my power to ensure our survival.
When you boil it down if you commit genocide with smiles and hugs, its still genocide.
As for everyone bashing this fic because there are few ponies in it, Lay off the guy.
I for one would love a sequel about the return of a reborn humanity to take back the cradle of mankind. Maybe with some flashbacks to rebuilding ourselves on a new world, and the harsh challenges we would face.
Or if your going to pull the AU card and send them to a world closer to cannon Equestria portray the MASSIVE amounts of racism and hatred humans would have for pony-kind. Then maybe have them slowly warm up to the ponies after shocking them with the story of their alternate reality selves and the atrocity they committed.
For everyone who doesn't like ponies as bad guys, having a story twist your expectations is what entertainment is all about. No one goes to the movies to watch exactly what they thought they were going to see. They go for the twists and turns and preconceptions being shattered, its the same with any form of entertainment, Fanfics included.
1097710 Don't worry, that's what I think of TCB as well.
1097710, so if you're going to send the ship to the "true Equestria", then what does that make the Equestria that conquered Earth?
Also, xenophobia on the Humans' side would be an interesting element to see when they reach the new world.
1100779
I suppose your right Bunanana King. Though to tell you the truth this story was kinda meant to be a concept for a larger story later and I did kinda wrote it very quilkly so i can appreciate it having problems. I think I need to hone my writing before I try to write something for thins site again, but I'm still done with the conversion bureau universe. I just can't help but morally object to it. When I do write the series based off of this it will be a different Equestria, and not the one from the conversion bureau universe.
1105773
I see that I have done a poor job of defining this by the time they make contact with the "True Equestria" they will have already resettled on a new world centuries ago and have reestablished there civilization one however that is irrevocably changed for one humanity has discovered how to use magic and has abandoned electronic tech in favor of magic/bio tech. as for the other equestria after absorbing earth it collapsed in on itself and disappeared from there reality. I hope that answers your question.
1103210
Thanks Radon, guardian10 I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way about it. I always thought that this was no different than Hitler's final solution.
As for your question about a sequel. Yes there is going to be one eventually. Right now however I'm tired of writing at the moment so I'm going to take a break sorry. One of the reasons this story was short and maybe not that great is because this was basically a concept story. I was basically sowing the seeds of the idea with it.
If fact there are going to be two series one were I go back and explain the events that led up to this, and in the other I'm going to fast foreword 1000 years when humanity has been reestablished and is flourishing, and around that time they will rediscover a different Equestria. I hope that answers your question.
Also thanks for subscribing Radon I appreciate the vote of confidence.
1106355
No problem, i thought it was a good story and deserved a little recognition. Unlike some people i can set aside any mechanical issues a story might have spelling grammar ect and look at the really important questions. Do the characters act in a rational way? Do they grab my attention? Does it entertain me?
For a story to be successful it has to have issues that matter to the audience in this case the issues were betrayal and genocide, both stir powerful emotions and then you mix in a hope for a brighter future at the end and presto you have a successful plot.
Its a shame your going to stop for a while as practice makes perfect.
Oh before i forget, if you ever have any need for someone to edit or bounce ideas around, send me a PM.
1093727
Accusing the mods of being incapable of doing their job in choosing which fics are acceptable when this story clearly fits the requirements stated by the mods? You're not even trying anymore are you?
Anyways as for the story itself, I can't really offer much more than what has already been said: interesting premise, some technical issues with the writing, but it's engaging enough to earn you a track.
It's a good start considering. Pay no heed to the lady behind the purple curtain of prose.
1107636
Thanks for the offer. I'll let you know when I get started again.
Radical Dreamers? Where's Serge, Kid, and Magil? Sorry, whenever I see that name I immediately start thinking about the Chrono Trigger series. How ironic to be talking about a series whose final installment was supremely misanthropic on a Conversion Bureau story.
Onto the story itself. Why exactly did the ship switch to a feudal system of governing? I can understand if accepting Tristem's rule was a requirement to board the ship, but that would create a lot of unneeded resentment towards the ruling family. Also, are you planning on revealing what your OC has done to alter the remains of humanity?
1113243
Congratulations your the first person to ever figure out where I got the name Radical Dreamers. I've been using that name for groups like this one in my stories for years I just like the name.
As for why the women referred to Tristem as my lord is because its part of the command structure of the Radical Dreamers. The three leaders known as the warring triad have always been referred to as lord or lady respectively and is not part of any feudal system. That and many of the people on the 12 ships have been members of the Radical Dreamers for years and just accept Tristem and Viktor's rule by default. I will not lie though at this moment there government is essentially an oligarchy.
Also yes I do plan on revealing what Tristem has done to alter humanity. Basically Tristem plans on doing three main things one alter humanity psychologically so that they are less aggressive and therefore less violent and destructive. Two Tristem plans on attempting to alter humanity so that magic energy know longer harms them and eventually allow humanity to wield it themselves. He also plans on improving humanity physically I plan on eventually writing a series based on this story. A lot of these things will be revealed in it.
1115151
Warring Triad, huh. Look out, it's Kefka!
In all seriousness, I can't say I agree with Tristem about the need to genetically alter humanity into a more passive species (I agree with the imunization to magic, though). Scientist have actually proven that we are much more of an empathic species and that our violence is much more of a learned trait. Details here.
Well its always nice to meet someone who knows about kefka. You know this gives me a great idea for a story one where Celestia transports Kefka away right before being destroyed and offers him a chance to survive. If he can stand living in Equestria for a year as a pony she will return him to his world to carry out whatever psychopathic plot he can devise, but if he fails she turns him to stone. What do you think?
As for what you said about humans I couldn't agree with you more, The very fact we haven't annilated yourselves in nuclear fire is proof enough for me, however given what I have seen in the Conversion Bureau has led me to the conclusion that humans in this dimension are somehow more violent and destructive than we are. At least this is what I believe given what I've read of it. So real world yes conversion bureau world no. Still I will tell you that this is not set in stone and I haven't really decided what all these changes are going to be.
Thanks for sharing that video I'll be sure to watch it.
1093815 "so just shut up and enjoy it."
Wrong thing to say dude! She DOES have a point. The author says, he doesn't like TCB premise so he wants to have the ponies this splinter group of humanity be from a different universe. All well and good, but if that's the case, why is he using TCB as the off-shoot? Any post-hummanity event would serve the same purpose.
1093727 Perhaps I'm speaking a bit out of turn here, but can't the same be said of some of your own adaptions?
The Pony Virus The Most Decadent Thing and The Pony Singularity had premises that seemed only tangentially related to the ponies. One could remove or replace them and it largely wouldn't change the stories. Do not mistake my words with carrying any sort of venom, I just wanted to point out that slight contradiction.
You should of had Celestia shoot down the spaceships!
How do they mutate themselves?
SEQUEL