• Member Since 20th Sep, 2011
  • offline last seen February 27th

ForlanceAbice


A cynical old dog of the fandom who has become apathetic to the state of things. Still willing to give a debate if an ear listens and willing to return tactful courtesty. Stories currently cancled.

Comments ( 52 )

.....this is reverlent to our interest's
Silver Shadow: yes ... this pleases me aswell
Me: Silver my good oc.... you do know your based of me right? sooo you will allways like what i like?
Silver: ..... shutup party pooper

*sees the word introvert in the title...becomes curious...tries to read but finds himself getting distracted...adds to read later list*

This is really good. You're doing cool stuff with this, keep going!

You considered submitting it to some groups? Like, maximize your exposure, and stuff.

1453330 If you could find some to submit it to, then yes.
I rather the reader themselves judge where it might belong.... Anyway, where do you think the story might go?
I am literally dry as to where it may head, even I don't know.


It was written on a whim in a day.

Yeah... I have somewhat jumped the gun with this, but there is a point to it.
This shall reveal itself in the following chapters. Don't worry, it won't all be like this....
Hopefully. :twilightblush:

Aaaaaaaaaaah you used the pic I used in my Luna fic! :flutterrage:
Nah it's fine, will read later, looks promising! :ajsmug:

1505119 ... Read later translates to never.
Read... Then comment....

huh.... why did i laugh when nightmare basically mouth raped him?

damn ii have a sick sense o humor.......

.... ........ ........ ......... .......... ........... .......... ........... .......... ..........
the dots say it all

1508468 ..... Great... I knew I got carried away when typing this out....
Just great.... Excuse me while I pop in a bottle of Sprite to ease my woes....
:facehoof:

Skylar be damned!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png

1509315 *fails to understand who/what skylar is*
also awesome spitfire pic

1509380 Comes typical with a Firefox search for this site.

As for Skylar, think The Saboteur from the now defunct Pandemic Studios.
Their last game in fact.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to patch up Chapter 2.
Celestia knows that chapter needs to be spruced up, for in my haste to release it, I have overlooked a few
glaring problems.

1427690 That's it?
No cretique?? Surely there must be some.
Especially not in the chapter I have posted yesterday, made in haste to submit, and has absolutely nothing
deviant about it whatsoever, I swear. No really, it doesn't.

Looks interesting! :twilightsmile:

A few missing commas I noticed (additions are underlined):

“Now you shall suffer your punishment that's most deserved. You will find torment like none other, so much so as to wish for death. I shall enjoy sampling your undue torment, mortal.”

"SILENCE, YOU LITTLE FOAL!"

1560360 Fixed.
Mind providing feedback on other portions of the story?

... How the hell did I manage to produce this piece of crap? :facehoof:
Ugh... What was I thinking!?

well i liked it would have craped myself in his/her position

... Yeah... I am going to hell for this...
DEFINITELY going to hell for it....
:fluttershbad:

Well I would personally like to welcome you to hell there ae 3 types of bells

1 pony HELL (full due to twilight becoming an alicorn you mad :ajbemused:)
2 normal hell
3 and finally spartan/solider/me he'll

I didn't notice I never faved this story, well I get around to faving it now.

It's pretty amazing how messed up this story is, it's like Stuart never even have time to even think about what's going on before being interrupted by Nightmare Fluttershy and I suppose that was the point. Although when the brainwashing happen, I feel like there should've been one last remaining thoughts of Stuart before Luna dismissed it, but I think you'll explain that when Stuart is back in control right?

2407748 Eeeeeyup. Hehehehe....
Poor Stuart is only just on the tip of the iceberg on her path to hell.
I plan on shredding his psyche to pieces.

Alla paranoia and despair over personality death.
Or being violated, whichever comes first.
So I am a sick and depraved individual, I do it for kick and giggles in some cases, but I am not afraid to use it. Though I worry whether I am being over the top or not. How did it fair up for you?

2409005
I guess it was just "Okay," but I wonder if you had "Fluttershy" demonstrate her mind reading ability by having her interrupt Stuart's thoughts like saying:
It's almost as if she's rea-
"Reading your mind? yes I am," interrupted Fluttershy.

But I think I'm alright with it for now and the only thing that's truly confusing is the tone that Luna has when he's being controlled by her, wasn't sure if she was referring to "humans" in an evil way, or in an oblivious happy way like she never knew what was happening until that moment to go ahead and meet Twilight?

2409461 Well, all will be revealed in later chapters.
But for now, you must be patient. :twilightblush:
And uh, glad the story isn't completely terrible.

Okay, I think I like the new thoughts here and his final words before he becomes Lunaized is much more memorable too.

2531423 How so? What improved over the original chapter?

1989845

If that is the case, I shall see you there for loving the fact that you wrote it!

:applejackconfused:
after reading this chapter i seriously just don't know what to think of this story anymore, and i'll have to completely rewrite my obnoxiously long and utterly detailed comment which i wrote while reading thus far(apparently not a good idea):derpytongue2:
well, besides the fact of course that NMM is best Mistress, but that's rather apparent anyway, right?:trixieshiftright:
also i think that whole god=Faust thing is rather...strange:fluttershysad: but i guess i'm totally entitled to have my own opinion
i shall give you my two cents about it after further reading, which i shall resume tomorrow evening:trollestia:
:pinkiegasp: btw

And what more, she had been blessed by a kiss from the Mood Goddess herself!

is that intentional?:unsuresweetie:

It seems that your only problem in both stories, is repetition. If you want, I can proofread all your chapters, with a gdoc, to completely eradicate any problems.

:pinkiegasp: My promised two cents:
:lunavoice: Intriguing introduction (with a kind of epic atmosphere)
shameless self insert story? :unsuresweetie:
Love the way you're breaking her in in this chapter :yay:Mindfuck
can't wait to see what you'll have NMM come up with next

Poor Stuart is only just on the tip of the iceberg on her path to hell.

I plan on shredding his psyche to pieces.

:raritystarry:..
:duck: do it..
:raritydespair: pleeeeeeaaaaaaase do it

2654347 My boy, I have been inspired by a few other choice fanfics to use Faust as a deity here.
Though sadly, I have forgotten which ones have used her as such.

As for your obnoxiously long and drawn out comment?
I am intrigued by your thoughts on this story of mine.
Tell me, what brought you here in the first place?
What kept you here after the fact?

Are there any details that should be rectified?
What parts of it seemed petty and self serving?
Did it feel like work in trying to work your way through this story?
How clumsy was the wording of each scene in detail?
What about the dialogue?

Where have I fallen flat in attempting to be the story teller?
...

And damnit... How did THAT manage to get past me? :facehoof:

2665186 Patience young grasshopper.

It will come eventually. I do warn that my updates for each story are infrequent at best, taking months at a time to update just about anything. And I do worry that the quality in each of them are somewhat sub-par to say the least.

I do enjoy that thou has managed to make an enjoyable read of this story, but I wonder what flaws lay deep beneath its murky, shallow waters. We would be most grateful for your detailed critique in this matter. For we know this isn't up to caliber in contrast to many of the better known stories on this site, and our story telling abilities are somewhat... Minced, to say the least.

As for being a shameless self insert story?
Eh... Kind of... Stuart here is heavily based upon my own being as a character. However, I have taken a few liberties with a few traits of his so as to differentiate him from myself. I am aware of what a poorly constructed self insert character can do to a story, and thus I have "tried" to maintain somewhat of a safe distance.

And to be honest, I would be lying if I said there wasn't any fetish fulfillment here being involved. Hell, I am going to be the first to tell you that some of this story is the result of the rather fucked up fantasies of a rather... Imaginative teenager in some respects. (Be honest with yourself. A good number of teenagers browser this site. Some mature, some not, but they are here.)

Back to the topic at hand. As I have said before, be patient young padawan. These things take time, especially when I am not nearly as capable of producing something akin to the likes of My Little Dashie. Far from that.

Consider my author and skills in prose to be rough and untuned in contrast with the sharp blade of Fallout Equestria.

I hope my RP buddy Cobalt the Alicorn never finds this story, as Nightmare is his waifu

Alright, so chapter one, overall it's good. There are some typos that make it a bit confusing, the biggest offender being.

engaging in a spell cast matrix with Celestia pride

Which is confusing because Celestia is not mentioned before as being there with Luna and Twilight.

Reading just chapter one is very puzzling because there is a lot of information being thrown at you at once and in a relatively short chapter, not giving an incredibly large amount of time for the reader to piece it all together. I, personally, like this but others may see it as a failure on the writers part, just letting you know.

There are also a few formatting errors, no spaces between some paragraphs and no spaces between breaks in the story, but it doesn't hurt the story. For story breaks you use periods, I (again, this is a personal thing) would say use tilde's (~~~~~) it's a much cleaner break than periods in my opinion, also please center the periods/tildes/whatever you choose to use.

Alright, chapter two, also very good. You create an interesting picture with the dream creature being an interpretation of our imagination and inner self, which I give props to you for making. You also write Luna well, which is important for this.

Again, a few formatting errors and typos, some making you re-read until the actual meaning clicks.

A big thing that I've noticed is your syntax. Though most of the time your detail is great and I can picture the scene in my head, I would recommend in your new chapters very carefully reading your own work and making sure that the detail is there for the reader. It's very difficult, I won't lie, the reason is because as the writer you know what you want to write, so when you write something you don't see the details missing, but for the reader it is confusing occasionally.

One thing I forgot to mention on chapter one (it is here in chapter two as well) is your use of Ellipses. Ellipses are THREE periods, not two or four (which I saw both of in this chapter, at one point there was one with five.) Just be careful with them and make sure there is three periods.

Last thing, there was one continuity error. (or at least I think so)

Getting up from the bed slowly,

and then five lines later

Luna bolted up wide awake,

Personally, when I picture "bolted up" I see them as laying down and then quickly moving into an upright position, opposed to this where she is already part ways up and then bolting upwards. Make sense?

3124459
(Note: This comment will be out of chronological order, so bear with me a little.)

A big thing that I've noticed is your syntax. Though most of the time your detail is great and I can picture the scene in my head, I would recommend in your new chapters very carefully reading your own work and making sure that the detail is there for the reader. It's very difficult, I won't lie, the reason is because as the writer you know what you want to write, so when you write something you don't see the details missing, but for the reader it is confusing occasionally.

Do you want to know one of the major reasons for my writer's block?
This is one of them. I have already anticipated this beforehand early on this story's development.
As a result, I have become bogged down in the details, trying to get that precise way of wording a descriptive sentence right, only to end with some malformed deformity that just scratches the eyelids.

Alright, chapter two, also very good. You create an interesting picture with the dream creature being an interpretation of our imagination and inner self, which I give props to you for making. You also write Luna well, which is important for this.

Me? Write Luna well? Surely you jest!
Then again, I have made it a point to notice how glaring her personality can be sometimes.
Though whose interpretation of Luna is actually the "truthful" one is up for debate. There is a reason I do not keep to a "main canon" so to speak, as that cramps diversity and the possibilities one can expand upon.

Now, as for my grammatical errors...
Eh... Lets just say that the English language is more instinctive than structured, my words pouring out like a roaring waterfall than a carefully constructed aqueduct. I do my best to shape up where I can, but these errors happen to be ingrained into my cognitive globe after writing like this for so long.

Alright, so chapter one, overall it's good. There are some typos that make it a bit confusing, the biggest offender being.

engaging in a spell cast matrix with Celestia pride

Which is confusing because Celestia is not mentioned before as being there with Luna and Twilight.

If I somehow manage to not confuse the reader, it has not come soon enough. :facehoof:
Ditzy Doo the way I think, for all I can gather is on the brink.

As for the info dump, this came out of a sheer depressive slump over canonical reasons over S1 Luna being ousted. This is meant to be the mad ramblings of an out of sync introvert.
Formatting wise? I am utterly helpless, as I have barely a clue on how to be structured and properly formatted for the eyes. A skill that is glaringly lacking on my part.

Ugh. :facehoof:

Phew. took like an hour because of allergies constantly forcing me to stop, but here's chapter three's review.

Stuart is portrayed wonderfully, stick with how you characterize him. Nightmare Moon is a great villain, keep her like this.

I'd say (personal preference) try to take a bit longer on the scenes where she is switching between loving/hating Nightmare (for later of course), unless you planned on doing it so it's an almost instant change in which case it's fine. Another thing to have more character thought on is when she lost her name, you can say it was because she was too tired to think, which is acceptable considering what she went through immediately before, but seeing the character freak out even more is nice.

To respond to your comment about you freaking out over syntax, I realize i did say make sure it's good, but honestly if you're being that much of a perfectionist hold it off till you have the chapter completed. I know how hard it is, wanting it to be perfect and whatnot, but that's why you need someone who knows how to fix it, or learn to know if it's correct. I understand completely how bad it feels to have bad syntax, you don't even know how annoyed/depressed I feel when I give Twisted a chapter and he adds/changes like 700-1000 words, but if you want to get better you have to deal with it, sorry.

3130674

I am flattered having this coming from you.
However, I do have a few questions for you to answer if you are up for it.
And uh, sorry about the allergies.

Stuart is portrayed wonderfully, stick with how you characterize him. Nightmare Moon is a great villain, keep her like this.

I'd say (personal preference) try to take a bit longer on the scenes where she is switching between loving/hating Nightmare (for later of course), unless you planned on doing it so it's an almost instant change in which case it's fine. Another thing to have more character thought on is when she lost her name, you can say it was because she was too tired to think, which is acceptable considering what she went through immediately before, but seeing the character freak out even more is nice.

What part of his portrayal did you sympathize with?
What made him three dimensional?

What stood out to you? And how did I exactly characterize him?
How was this character so poignant? Anything you can provide on what made her good would be nice.

Plus, some details on how a transformation like this affects an individual would be nice.
Sorry. I just like having as much intel to go on when analyzing comments like this. I hunger for depth. Kinda hard to word exactly what I want though... Ugh. :facehoof: You have been in this situation before right?

Also, how did I do in terms of portraying just how horrified Stuart is from the ordeal thus far?
And how should I ramp it up when I get into the real nasty departments, such as similarly with your two stories with mind control and domination? How should I invoke despair to make it a powerful moment for my readers?

Sorry I am asking so much... I uh, am rather ravenous when it comes to things like these.
I suppose you could say I am basically Twilight Sparkle who needs all the various details on things like these. :twilightsheepish:

And if it isn't too much trouble, could you mentor me in terms of writing these clop/rape scenes? I have a basic prototype using the Chapter 3 as a sandbox chapter to play with for future reference, and I would like to send you the updated draft I did for experimental reasons for review.

3130802
All shall be answered, hopefully. So first of all, chapter four.

Not-real-fluttershy is fun, picturing something in Flutter's body as being mean is kinda silly (in a good way) but striking at the same time.

The temporary(?) mind-wipe for Stuart is a good idea, though I think if it had been drawn out over a paragraph or two of memories fading away (his family, the first time he achieved something etc.) it could of been much more personal and shocking, make sense?

Mmk, question answering time.

What part of his portrayal did you sympathize with?
What made him three dimensional?

The introverted thinking part, as I am that type of person.
three dimensional? The post-psyche snapping, where he can't get it out of his head that he failed/did the wrong thing. I suffer from that so it was 'real'er for me per say.

What stood out to you? And how did I exactly characterize him?

The mental shifting where she starts referring to herself as a she, I'm a big fan of that so that stood out to me.
How did you exactly characterize him... what do you mean?

How was this character so poignant? Anything you can provide on what made her good would be nice.

Poignancy? (sounds like pregnancy with a Bostonian accent, that's not the point though.) Well one because it's not consensual so that evokes sympathy almost automatically, two, because the character is shown as being smart and rational, and then thrown into an emotionally stressing situation and seeing her incapable of handling it.
What made her good? The above answers should suffice I think.

Plus, some details on how a transformation like this affects an individual would be nice.

It all depends on the character. Does your character want to become a pony? Than it won't effect them too much. Does your character only like the ponies but wants to stay human? Well that's completely different, they'll panic and have mental breakdowns and whatnot. It all depends on the character you are trying to write.

Also, how did I do in terms of portraying just how horrified Stuart is from the ordeal thus far?
How should I invoke despair to make it a powerful moment for my readers?

This is something I notice you struggle with a little. Yes, you do well to show how horrified Stuart is. How you go about doing it though... it almost seems kind of bipolar in how fast he switches between "Oh my god my life is over." and "Stop being a bitch let's get through this."
How to invoke despair and make it powerful? Just focus on his sadness, on the emotional turmoil, make it more gradual instead of constantly saying "his life is over." type things. To make it seem more powerful, have him think through in the dialogue every thought, have him try and try and try to figure out some way to get out or repair the situation, just throwing it to the wayside and going "well, it's over for my life." and then a few seconds later going "No, this isn't the end." is strange.

Basically, take more time on situations, really let it flow instead of choking up all the emotions into a few paragraphs, and then going to the next action followed by a small description of his feelings for that particular action, does that help?

Edit: Ugh, I need to sleep, whatever you respond with tonight I'll see tomorrow, I feel miserable right now.

"M rated chapters will be put in a separate story for your convenience"
how the fuck is that convenient? where's the links to the rest of the freaking story then?....

also a bit confused now as the description of this story doesn't seem entirely like how you described in it the thread post.....

3247449 Um... What thread post?

:rainbowhuh:

And I fixed the description.

3275016 the one where you linked me to your story telling me about tf and identity crisis stuff.....

good....

i don't understand what's going on with luna. looks like a good story but i can get whats going on.

3314669 Things will be explained within the later chapters, assuming I can cut my writer's block to pieces.

3130674 Alright. This is the reply that I have notified you about over PM a while ago.
I might appear to be a bit overly self conscious in this comment, so if that seems a little much, my apologies.
Anyhow, let us begin in another exchange.

Stuart is portrayed wonderfully, stick with how you characterize him. Nightmare Moon is a great villain, keep her like this.

I am a novice when it comes to character personality, construction, and maintaining that throughout a story. How have I achieved this in your eyes? What made them stand out? Could you give a list of reasons as to why? Perhaps a small paper of the key ingredients and essential points that I have achieved when making a character stand out, maybe in bullet point format? A separate list for each character would be nice, as your experiences and critique can help me get a hand on the handling of these characters.

For one, how have I characterized Stuart? What made him standout? What key objectives have I fulfilled?
Same story with Nightmare Moon. What made her stand out? Was it your seductive dominance in getting Stuart to actually like being submissive, getting her into the mindset that she would actually prefer to be intimate and dependent on Nightmare Moon's affections as a form of mental manipulation of both her daily stresses in life and her own desires? Perhaps even guilt trip her into thinking that she is nothing but a worthless slut? Or perhaps, projecting visions designed to horrify her as she is denounced and condemned by the cast of MLP?

Likewise, how did Nightmare Moon jump out as a rounded, three dimensional character? Was it her seductive, even motherly/sisterly personality?
What exactly made her a great villain? How was my handling of her character? What would you predict would happen in the next chapter?
By your standards, how well have I steered this story in terms of quality so far? Are you expectant, waiting eagerly for the next chapter? Is there a form of suspense that makes you want to see what happens next? Do you actually wish to know what Nightmare Moon did to Stuart exactly?

How should I proceed to mock and torment Stuart psychologically in inducing Stockholm syndrome dependence? What about its counterpart, the Lisa syndrome?

I'll be back with another response, but for now I got to cut this short. My daily life calls me away from the PC for an hour or so.
This is only part of the comment, so stay sharp and attentive lad.

This is interesting. The entire premise of this story is unusual and I love it. I look forward to seeing where this story goes.

This intrigued me... Please do go on...

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