• Member Since 3rd Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

MadMaxtheBlack


Too much to write; too little time

Comments ( 694 )

this is gonna be good!

Yay, this is really interesting. You seem to always have interesting story ideas.

This was really good. I can't wait to see more. But I guess I have to. :fluttercry:

Blood dripped from her muzzle, marring her white coat which was covered in the grime of battle.

Small, very insignificant, however a comma is needed before the 'which' or it can be replaced with 'that' to moot the need of a comma.

Everfree Forest as well, leaving uprooted trees lying here and there, their branches destroyed.

Sorry again, but for it be correct in terms of grammar it has to be 'laying' Sorry again.

celestial body, was the dark imprint of the head of a mare.

Comma is not needed. Sorry.

Nightmare Moon, sealed within the surface of the moon. A fitting end for the vile temptress.

This is what is known as a fragment, which are pains in the metaphorical asses when it comes to writing. However, this one is easily combatted by removing the full stop and replace with a comma. It still makes sense and flows correctly.

Hospitality, Devotion, Kindness, Jollity, Magic. The Elements of Harmony

This too is a fragment, however I do believe this can be an exception.

Rushing along on numbed hooves, Celestia gasped for breath, sucking in great lungfuls of air.

I believe it should be 'lungful's' sorry.

Her ankle twinged in pain, but Celestia didn’t care.

I believe it supposed to be 'twanged' unless you meant 'twitched'.

It was painfully clear that the once proud ruler’s body was broken, her life slowly ebbing from it’s shattered shell.

Semi-collon, I'm afraid.

...’lo Tia,” she mumbled, her voice hoarse.

I'm not entirely sure on this one, however I believe it should be '…'Lo, Tia,' However, I'm not entirely sure, so apologise if I'm incorrect.

ever circling gems.

Small error. Should be 'ever-circling'

Groaning, Luna lowered her head again, the pool of blood rippling slightly as she lay it back upon the ground.

Should be 'laid' however I believe it could possibly remain how it is.

Everypony within a mile of the castle heard the princess’s cry, everypony felt her pain, everypony wept with her.

Semi-Collon, again. I apologise.

“Hush, little one,” she pleaded. glancing up at the ferrymare, who was giving her a dirty look.

No capital after the period

The ferrymare whipped around with a loud squeak as two dozen Royal Guards emerged from the blackness, their golden armor glinting in the moonlight as they all leveled spears at the four travelers.

Hyphen use, possibly consider revising.

Suddenly, the frozen lake beside her began to shrink, the shores closing in on each other as they became the mouth of a river.

It is common practice to put a comma before 'as' Not many people are aware of this though, so pay it no heed.

She just lay there, her eyes closed as her tears slowly froze upon her face.

'laid' Sorry again, however it is needed.

A small horn on top of her head was framed by locks of dark blue hair.

Sorry, but in order for it to be correct in terms of grammar, it must be 'Locks of dark blue hair framed a small horn on top of her head.'

The irises almost blended perfectly with the whites of the fillies eyes.

Either 'filly's' or 'fillies' '

How could anypony abandon a foal like this, especially one that was blind.

Sorry, but a question mark is needed at the end. It is a question, isn't it?

And that's all I could find other than a few other fragments that were not worth mentioning.

Already, I adore this. Luna's use of old english was written splendidly and you did a superb job on all dialogue present in this piece of fiction, and admire you for it. Not only was dialogue excellent but just everything in general. I can't wait for more.

Good day.

4078827 Thank you for taking time to edit the chapter. I tend to edit my own work unless someone specifically asks to do so, so it always helps when others point out what I've missed. :twilightblush:

4078877
Thank you. If you require, how should I say… Assistance in editing anything whatsoever, you know, take a little of the encumbrance upon your load bearing shoulders, fret not in asking. Already I have grown to admire your work in the brief time I've had to read it and I'm very impressed. I've taught students who have less creativity than you in terms of everything I have seen upon this monitor. I'm impressed in summery. I've seen so many authors upon this website (Prior to my account's creation of course.) who could go on to write proper real life fiction if they had the ambition. For instance, this would of made a great fantasy story if some of the elements were changed perhaps…

Regardless, fantastic work, nice 'speaking' to you and as always: Good day.

Max, I'll be honest that when I read the premise I went a little :rainbowhuh: That said, if anyone can pull this off it would be you. Honestly, I was scrolling past it until I saw your name.

I'll be reading this after lunch, and don't think I'll be disappointed.:twilightsmile:

If you need a hand with proofreading, etc. Just let me know. I'm still on medical leave and have plenty of free time.

EDIT: Me likey

Gotta say, this is a great idea. This story looks awesome so far, and I really hope you add to it soon.:pinkiehappy: Please?:applecry:

4079003

Honestly, I was scrolling past it until I saw your name.

You have no idea how much pride I felt from that sentence alone. :yay:

4079003
My reaction to it was more along the lines of
"Oh, this story looks nice. Oh! Its written by Max, the guy who made YHaY. Welp, I will commence read now."

4080641 Don't forget to finish that with, "...and needs to give us more chapters for YHaY."

Not that I mean to presume anything Max :rainbowlaugh: If I could get any chapters on my stories out on time, it would be a miracle :facehoof:

4078827
Some of these corrections are wrong.

> lying here and there
"Lying" is correct; "laying" is incorrect.

> twinged in pain
"Twinge" describes a type of pain.

> A small horn on top of her head was framed by locks of dark blue hair.
While the passive voice is often discouraged, it's not actually grammatically incorrect.

> The irises almost blended perfectly with the whites of the fillies eyes.
Definitely " filly's ", not " fillies' ". There's only one filly here.

4081926
Umm… I apologise for some I may have gotten wrong. However, lying is the present principle of lie, however she is laying on the ground, so it is correct to use laying.

And the use of 'fillies' implies there are more than one. The use of 'filly's' implies there is still one, however it is in possession of something or is the possession of the filly.

However, I admit I have made several mistakes, I was rather quick in my read. So I apologise. Good day.

4081954
> lie/lay
"Lay" means to set something down on a surface:
- "I am laying the rug onto the floor."
- "I am laying myself onto the couch."
"Lie" means to rest on a surface.
- "The rug is lying on the floor."
- "I am lying on the couch."

> filly
filly -- One pony. "Sweetie Belle is a filly."
fillies -- Two or more ponies. "The CMC are fillies."
filly's -- Possessed by one pony. "They looked for Scootaloo, but only found the filly's scooter."
fillies' -- Possessed by two or more ponies. "Applebloom repaired the fillies' clubhouse."

Note that #4 has an apostrophe, but #2 does not.

4082186

Oh dear… It appears you were correct and I foolishly assumed something I did not. I apologise for my error, for I was wrong. However this was my third attempt at editing something, so that may have contributed to it somewhat. Hopefully this means the error was not entirely due to ignorance. Thank you for realising what a fool I had been.
Good Day.

Um, who/what is NMM here, anyway? I've always assumed/gone with the canon explanation that Luna = NMM. Are you considering them completely distinct or simply separable entities in a slightly different way? If the latter, do you you mean that the Elements worked correctly, in which case how did how her injuries have been sustained in battle with NMM?

Kind of interesting so far, even if the 1000 year transition seems a little more abrupt than need be. It'd be nice to have a little more background on these new characters even if it's just a name and a handful of details about their backstory. It's a little weird to just have unnamed ponies chased by some other pony, presumably a noble given he has a title, for the sake of some unknown package/thing. A little too much mystery there, imho.

Otherwise, looking forward to reading more of this. :twilightsmile:

4083535 You have a romance tag,and I'd like to know if its same sex shipping

4085786 The Romance will be same sex shipping, yes. (F/F) Sorry if that is not your preference...


4084515 It'll be touched on later in the story, but for now all you need to know is Luna and Nightmare Moon were/are two separate entities.

4084515
you have to keep in mind that this is only the prologue. It does a story no good too reveal to much at one time. Personally, i feel that the transition from Celestia's mourning to the present was done well, and the lack of details given for the ponies in the second half can be for one of two reasons that i can see:
1: They will not be making a reappearance so the more in depth details are unnecessary (personally, i doubt this)
2: It gives just enough details so they are not forgotten, yet leaves enough unsaid so their next appearance has more content.


Anyway, This gets my upvote and fave. Looking forward to the next chapter and who Selena will romance

I'm wondering where this will go.

4084515 Imma just point out that Split Personalities are a thing, as is Possession/Corruption. I always figured NMM was somewhere inbetween.

4086388
Eh. I just think it revealed too litttle. I like having enough material to really speculate, but not enought for definite answers.


4087775
I was hoping the author might tell me which it was, but yeah. Personally, I hold that NMM was just Luna. Corrupted maybe, but not in the sense that she wasn't aware/in control of what she was doing, just pushed over the edge from depression/sadness to madness/insanity. By that token she remembers everything she did/saw happen because of her actions (whatever you see those to be, whether it's just war or just endless night and it's repercussions) and maybe even the "reasons", and that would make her feel pretty horrible about all that on the other end, thus sort of justifying her contrition in that scene in the first episodes of season 1.

Weird? Weird? More like amazing! Very well done

I approve! Please post more!

MadMax, you've got an interesting start. I look forward to seeing where exactly you take this story. Blind, Reincarnated Luna, eh? That's gotta be a first.

4078827
The comment looks good, with most of its responses had others responding to the mistakes I'd already noticed. Except these two.

I believe it should be 'lungful's' sorry.

I disagree. 'Lungful's' is possessive, like a character owning a lungful of air. 'Lungfuls,' without the possessive apostrophe is part of an action, like a character taking lungfuls of air to help calm down or cool off from exertion. The latter is correct in this instance, and no change was necessary.

Edit - As a rule, an apostrophe is only used if the word is a contraction, or that there needs to be some kind of character possession. Truthful example: The only confusion I've (I have) ever had with possession, is that its (possession) and it's (it is) are very confusing, and very nearly backwards to me. They're (they are) the only ones that throw me for a loop.

Either 'filly's' or 'fillies' '

Possession here. Filly's eyes.

4092620
Thank you for your kind words.

Good Day.

Ohh~ the originality. I shall dig right in! :pinkiehappy:

You must of watched the hunchback of Notre Dame, since your gypsy scene was almost spot on to the beginning if that movie.

4084515 The whole situation with the gypsies seems similar to the beginning of Disney's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame", doesn't it?

So, this is what you were typing when we were suppose to be drinking and playing video games! You let me die hundreds of times in Dark Souls by myself, just because you were writing this?!

...this better be good, Blackie. This better be good.

4097927
Honestly, I have no idea. I've never actually the whole of that movie and what little I did see was probably a decade or more ago.

Sweet start to the heart
Lyrical telling telling
Winter signalling

Don't become a stranger, be an update ranger‼‼

The story of the 'Defeat of Nightmare Moon'...was a lie.

All hail the New Lunar Republic, HAIL THE CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT!
th04.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2012/260/e/6/for_a_new_lunar_republic_by_datbrass-d5f30d0.png

Goddamned Shakespearean wannabe.... you made me cry...

For some reason this chapter made me think of the phrase, "I'M JAVERT!"

No but seriously, is it a well known prophecy or something about Luna's return? Well I say Luna, but she's really an entirely different pony isn't she? Otherwise, did they just figure Celestia might be interested in such a unique foal?

the archduke is a dick

Max, what is your fetish with giving me characters I love to hate? Golden Ingot, Darkflare, Archduke Asshole XXVII...

Can't I be unconditionally happy for once? Can't I have a sweet, heartwarming story about (reincarnated) Luna growing up blind without juggling my wrath borne of politicians? Do you enjoy making people suffer, you sick, magnificent bastard?

If you weren't such a damn good writer I would hate you. But it's precisely because I hate you that I love you.

4115744
*Sigh*. It's that reason precisely that makes you a good writer. You play with me emotionally. You break down my jaded walls and play me like a harp. Good works make me feel something.

And everything you write is good.

4115744
Also, update the completion percentages on your user page, Dickhole.

I'm going to read this later, but not without saying one thing...

Why aren't you updating YHaY faster?!

4115778
Oh, as part of your audience, it's abundantly clear to me that you do whatever the fuck you want whenever you feel like it.

4115784 M-hmm... Damn right I do! In fact, I think I'll take a 2 month break from YHaY, just cause... :trollestia:

I sincerely hate this antagonist. In fact, I think death is too good a punishment for him. Thus...

Mass Break!

... I'll display him and his lackeys in my statue garden!

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