For a fee, you can rent a pony.
You can be a pony.
But you can never stay a pony.
An entry for the Science Fiction Contest III organised by Bicyclette.
Chapters (4)
Raugos
Joined 13th Dec, 2011 ·
Online
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Thank you! That was weird, tense, and fascinating. I genuinely did not know where your story was going for most of it, but it all made sense. I'm glad I read this.
Interestingly, I was in a bit of a mood myself when going into this story, so much so I nearly opted not to read it, then considered bailing as its subject matter became clear...but weirdly reading to the end anyway put me in a better mood.
Funny how that works out, huh?
11904209
I was a little worried that the tag would be off-putting. Glad that you felt better by the end; I prefer my stories to be a little hopeful, even when they're dealing with heavy subjects. Thanks for reading!
11904165
Heya, thank you for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed it!
Oh, Raugos! A guy, who wrote Hearths' Sparring Eve. A nice story though!
This seems like it could be an interesting world to visit again. How many of us would pay that fee? Hope things work out and get better for the characters, good choice of song as well.
Your gastric resentment is inconvenient
Lmao
Very strange but good story!
Really cool story! Very easy to relate with the main characters and I appreciate how everything resolved.
11904764
That doctor ain't putting up with annoying tummy rumblings in the middle of surgery.
What an interestingly fantastic start to a, I don't know if there is a trend for this anywhere else but, unique in my mind story.
This is somebody who's living through someone else. It's his only form of connection out of where he is in the world. It makes sense. Now it's confusing about how the world just turn into this megalopolis seeming situation. Of course this is the first chapter, but I agree with sternum. And I'm the opinion that sternum can have the opinion of the surrogate, however sternum is ultimately responsible for the product, it's quality and it's safety. A dead surrogate is a low quality surrogate.
11904590
A lot of people, I suspect. Though it definitely would help if they could iron out all the issues that come with abusing this tech.
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Thanks for reading!
Its nice to get a real good look at our protagonist's self.they are wounded.
Ooo what a climax! Let's see what come next
Ah thank you, I must peruse your catalogue. Ah times it is dofficult to distinguish characters from their pronouns when Cliff and Phillip are interacting.otherwise nice
Edit:
Ha! I already follow you. Guess I've missed out huh?
That was odd but very good. Thanks for the story! Extra thanks for the Aviators. There are some good memories there.
11906263
You certainly know your sci fi tropes!
Didn't quite have the time to flesh that out as nicely as I would've liked, but it's basically an alternate universe in which Equestria and Earth have a working portal, and this takes place a fair bit of time after Twilight's coronation.
11906299
Thanks for the feedback. I do try to keep a balance between using dialogue tags to help identify speakers, and reducing their usage to improve flow and pacing.
I hope you find other stories to your liking. Thanks for reading this one!
11906968
Oh yes, Aviators did some amazing pony songs back then. And thanks for reading!
this story was great and an excellent read and I want Cliff and Sternum to kiss
Hey there, fellow contestant! Here's my review of your story:
I really enjoyed this one. It has a great core concept, a relatable main character, and a compelling plot. I think it works as a commentary on our own modern detachment from our own lives and also as criticism of the sort of escapism we see in a lot of other MLP stories. Despite being among the longer stories from this contest, I think it's paced very well and I didn't really notice the length much at all, which is always a good sign.
For minor criticism, I think the last chapter drags a little bit and maybe comes to a conclusion a little too neatly. Also detached a bit once I realized what the song was... just sort of took me out of it.
That said, a few minor gripes didn't keep me from thoroughly enjoying it. Good luck in the contest!
11924821
Hey mate, thanks for reading. Glad you enjoyed it!
I can see that. Fun fact: the original draft had Pixel revealing that she was pregnant. Unfortunately, I had one day left to write the ending and there was no chance of me sorting that bombshell out in a satisfactory way before the deadline.
11924924
Oh wow, that would have been a big twist! But I think, under the circumstances, this was probably the right way to go if you were under the gun. My own story was a bit down to the wire as well, so I get it.
But like I said, minor gripes aside, still a damn good story.
aww, ear nibbles!
hoowee
ahaha love that retort
love the drip-feed of worldbuilding here, that is the way you do it! i still don’t even know just what the specifics of what is going on here is but i am eager to see
though judging from her reaction so far it sure seems pretty bad!
ooh, a massive what?
nice way to show that earthpony strength
i mean so far it sure does sound like what Hoar Frost was doing is really messed up! catfishing at a really deep level, and Cliff himself not being comfortable with the ethics of it but is still doing the job because of needing money is the vibe i get so far
society!...?
pfft okay this is so corny it wraps back around to being good
ah okay, so Cliff is taking the side of the h*man here, interesting. or is just aligning himself with the interests of his client because that is what his livelihood depends on, but either way, something about society
oof not even the ponies are safe from Capitalism
oh dang yeah, this does feel like a dynamic that is all too real from our world and it really does illustrate the consequences of this world that you’ve built here so compactly
and ooh, that does add a twist retroactively to the scenes of Cliff remembering
ahaha thaumoxone
ooh, intriguing. that is definitely Cliff really going out of his way to retain these memories. but why? suspense!
and augh yeah, these are very beautiful memories! makes it even more messed up that they were based on a lie, Pixel Rust really did a good job in keeping it together
ah wow, Cliff really has a bad case of the Horse Depression. and being so attached to Hoar Frost’s life through him makes a lot more sense now
oof, really bad Horse Depression!
it’s interesting since i’d assume surrogates get paid really well, so this really underscores just how much Cliff is willing to give up to continue living through Hoar Frost living through him
background news broadcast that is a perfectly relevant commentary to the main character’s situation, love it every time
wait, what? hundreds of comments? so this guy had a pretty solid fanbase! damn that is some Horse Depression
love that Twilight’s love of burging has inspired a burg chain
and augh, i really hope this guy gets better because this is very sad :(
hehehe this instead of “handshake”
nice
sucks to be those guys!
so mercenary love it
lines that go hard
aww, this client guy is Cliff’s only friend!
aww what a cute description of an employee of a faceless evil corporation!
dang who the hell is this client? though i guess anyclient who can afford this experience already would have the $$$ to splurge
oof, damn…
hehe, “Bugtooth”, nice. also fits with how so much of this merged technology is Changeling-themed
hehe so true
ooh, so that’s an established thing in this world!
ah good ol’ pony racism!
mysterious!
hehehe the perils of using biometrics in this context!
augh i love how the self-hating and depression go in both directions
oh boy well doesn’t that just add yet another layer to that whole thing
dang this guy sucks
symbolism!
i mean, given that lecture by the surgeon in the previous chapter, of course this had to happen as part of the story’s climax! but yeah during a literal physical fight between surrogate and client, there are a lotta layers here!
that Philip takes care of Cliff’s body better than either of them take care of their own really is something
this guy has the Horse Dysphoria
aww but that would’ve been nice!
ehehe
in a way, yeah, they really are turning out to be two halves of one person somehow! as if this were some sort of centaur… world…
aww, Cliff finding himself again with Philip’s guitar is a nice way for his arc to end!
so this was a great concept! and this world as one where this technology exists and is used in the way that it is feels nicely fleshed-out. Cliff and Philip really being two sides of the same coin were great, and i loved the picture you painted of what it is like to be Cliff, and how his character and dilemma does such a good job in cutting to the core of the themes of this work.
i must admit, though, that i found the final conversation with Pixel Rust a bit off, and she felt less like her own character and person and more like whatever shape she was required to be in order for the conversation to weave through to the final status of the characters. but all the other character interactions in the story did feel “on”!
thanks for writing!
11938439
As is frequently the case in real life.
Society.
Heck, just look at the M-rated stories on Fimfic and imagine what people might do if they could borrow pony bodies for a night or two...
11938440
Heh, Horse Depression. I love how it sounds funny and depressing at the same time.
So. Much. Horse Depression. Poor guy.
Griffons do make great mercenaries. It's practically canon!
11938441
Yeah, that's how they get you. By wearing the face of a decent person as a mask.
Yeah, the guy had his high ruined and was dragged back to reality by somepony he thought was going to give him a lecture about suicide. I can see why he'd want to twist the knife.
11938442
Sometimes an outside perspective can be quite sobering.
Pfft. I just love these terms you're coming up with.
Oh. Oh no. Been a while since I'd thought about that Centaurworld. That was... an experience.
Yeah... I unfortunately had to simplify her in the ending to meet the deadline.
She was originally going to be a lot more abrasive and less emotionally dependent on Philip, though she still would've been open to the idea of continuing the relationship somehow. Because she was pregnant, and there was the very awkward question of who was supposed to be the responsible father.
Here, have some of her lines that were left on the cutting room floor:
I unfortunately didn't have enough time and energy left to resolve all of that properly before the deadline. I needed sleep.
Thank you so much for organising the contest, and for the in-depth commentary! It's always a delight to go back and read them every now and then!