Seeking

by Fillyfoolish

Thursday

I am alone.

I am home, but I am alone.

Home.

When did this place become my home? This cluttered, rent controlled apartment in a dodgy neighbourhood of Canterlot?

No, not the Canterlot. Human Canterlot.

When did this human city become just “Canterlot” to me?

Focus, Sunset.

I am not alone.

I am by myself, but I am not alone. I am with God. Maybe.

That assumes God exists. Which Rainbow makes a decent case that he doesn’t, although Twilight is convincing that he does.

It also assumes that if God exists, God cares to accompany randos like me, something Twilight doesn’t seem to believe. That’s the thing about omnipresence. Just because God can be everywhere doesn’t mean God wants to be or necessarily is.

What if I summoned God, though? The way a pony might summon Discord? Say his name, make a fuss, then exclaim “draconequus”?

What right do I have to summon God?

Or Discord, for that matter?

What if Discord is God? Horrible, unworthy of praise, God? A being so cruel that he created Earth and Equestria as a joke, and made them both so horrible in their own ways we would have no excuse but to turn to prayer to assuage our misery? Fluttershy said something about the devil. What if God is the devil?

Oh God. I’m going to hell for thinking that. If hell is real. Which most of my friends think it’s not. So I’m probably safe. Maybe.

Focus, Sunset.

I don’t pray.

I don’t know if I’m doing it right.

No, I know I’m doing it wrong.

Like I’m doing everything else wrong.

I’m a failure.

My inability to shut up and believe anything is my latest failure.

I can’t believe that God exists. No evidence.

I can’t believe that God doesn’t exist. No proof.

I can’t believe it doesn’t matter what I believe. The stakes are too high.

Focus, Sunset.

I need evidence. Proof.

Theology. Theory.

Logic.

Analysis.

Philosophy.

Introduction to French.

…Why am I listing my schedule?

Focus, Sunset.

I need evidence.

In some drug-addled irony, my only friend with even the illusion of direct evidence backing up her belief is Pinkie Pie. Doesn’t everybody else who makes strong truth claims rely on their emotions? Don’t they believe what they want to be true, not what they know to be true? That doesn’t mean they’re wrong, but I can’t know that they’re right.

That would be easier for me, wouldn’t it? Being able to believe or not believe without asking questions because I want to believe. Knowing what to believe because everybody told me, all of my friends a unified front. Being able to choose just one friend to follow. Any friend, any belief, so long as I commit.

That’s never been my style.

Focus, Sunset.

Other Sunsets flash before me.

Sunset Shimmer, Shkia bat Avraham v’Sarah, under a chuppah with Twilight Sparkle, Dimdum bat Or V’ketifa. Winter Brown is in a wheelchair and can’t seem to hear much, but his smile is unmistakable. Bubbe Sparkle cries tears of joy in the audience as the ketubah is signed, sealing my marriage to Twilight. The two of us break glass together, and I hear Rarity scream, “Mazel tov!”

Sunset Shimmer, visiting the Vatican with Rarity. Despite never having been myself, I play Rarity’s personal tour guide. I, for one, did extensive research before we came. I feel God near me in the holy city. I had my doubts, but in that moment – feeling Christ near – I realize I was meant to be a Catholic. I never doubt again.

Sunset Shimmer, water splashing on my face from above, newly baptized. Fluttershy is close by, smiling, Twilight and Rarity on either side. Twilight looks around the church, bouncing her leg with a rigid gaze. But then her eyes catch mine and her stress melts away into a genuine smile, wider than Fluttershy’s, and I know everything will be okay. I have accepted Jesus into my heart, for He is my Saviour. Hallelujah!

Sunset Shimmer, delivering an incendiary keynote arguing that true healing from the wounds of religion only starts when we liberate ourselves from faith. Applejack applauds alone in the audience, a tear streaming down her face. I’m fighting for a just world, a world that puts people over fairy tales, taking up the mantle that religion failed. In this crowd, not in the pews, I find the people who thirst for righteousness, the pure in heart, the peacekeepers. I know how evil religion can be. I saw first hand religion tear apart my best friends. After all, there are words someone can say but never take back. It’s too late for my friends, but it’s not too late for the rest of the world. I am in my element, and I know I am healing the wounded. I may not be happy, but I am fulfilled.

Sunset Shimmer, chillaxing on the beach without a care in the world. Enjoying life for all it’s worth while I can. Looking up at the sky and seeing only clouds. To my left, Applejack whispers something in Rarity’s ear that makes them both turn red. To my right, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash face off at volleyball like they did when we were kids. It doesn’t seem that either has aged a day. Aging needs stress, doesn’t it? Fluttershy stares out onto the water, quiet, contemplative, happy. Twilight sneaks a kiss on my face. It’s picturesque, and I know there’s no better time to get down on one knee and ask Twilight to marry me. She says yes! For the eigteenth time this month.

Sunset Shimmer, encountering the divine with Pinkie Pie. We have a special Pinkie snack, and she guides my soul towards a holy wall. I don’t see much, but I feel a light. I don’t know what religion I believe anymore, but these spirits, I see them. They see me. I try to smile, and I feel them smile back. I am drawn to the light, and knowing that the light was near all along, I am content in my quest for answers. Until the next day when I wake up on Pinkie’s couch, hungover from too many spirits.

I wanted to see the light, but now I see six lights, and they are all too bright. Like the people in Plato’s cave, I want to shut my eyes again.

Unfortunately, there are yet more Sunsets.

Sunset Shimmer, meditating. Calm, at peace, following the Middle Way. I am one with the air around me.

Sunset Shimmer, forever restless, forever seeking. I am never quite satisfied, but I’m never quite unhappy. I spend a lifetime with Twilight yearning for answers. She is all I find.

Sunset Shimmer, reuniting with my parents in Equestria. They aren’t expecting me when I knock on their door, crying for forgiveness. They embrace me and start crying too. Within each of my human friends, I see the Light. Indeed, in the bond I share with my Twilight, I see Sunlight. I was born a Solarist and vow to die one too. It isn’t easy to make up for lost time with my parents. It isn’t easy to forgive them for the way they treated me as a child. It isn’t easy for them to accept our differences of Solarist doctrine, particularly around their belief in the divinity of the Princess. But we are family. I need my family, just as the Moon needs the Sun. Even though I return to my home with Twilight, I promise to visit them. Nothing will break us apart again.

I look away from the Sunsets to come.

I don’t know if any of them are real.

Maybe all of them are real.

Maybe the questions matter more than the answers.

Focus, Sunset.

I see a white light.

No, it isn’t a white light.

It is six lights in a rainbow of colours, split from a prism.

But in the distance, they merge to white.

Author's Note:

Afterword

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

The way a pony might summon Discord? Say his name, make a fuss, then exclaim “draconequus”?

Lovely bit of pony folklore slipped in there.

Until the next day when I wake up on Pinkie’s couch, hungover from too many spirits.

Quality bit of wordplay.

In any case... yeah, this is the best conclusion Sunset could come to. No matter where she goes next, she has something to believe in. They're not quite on par with immaculate divinity, but she knows they're there for her, and she for them... aside from that one possibility with Aggressively Atheist Sunset, but I doubt she'll go down that path without a lot going wrong in the interim.
(And, Doylistically speaking, coming out and saying that any given religion is The Right Choice™ was not going to go over well. )

A fascinating journey all around. Thank you for taking us on it.

[Fillyfoolish]

11232847
Thank you for making it possible

[The Sleepless Beholder]

Oook. This... honestly doesn't answer my questions. I'm still unsure what threw Sunset into this rabbit hole. Why she feels alone when she has Twilight and her friends. Why the answer to the question drives so much of her despite her past experiences disregarding religion. I could maybe understand it if she feels to be judged for her actions in the human world I know part of it is her relationship with Twilight but I don't see it being something that a 'human' god would be throwing upon her.

This ends up making this last chapter feel overly dramatic and doesn't really give an answer to what was before.

That said, what it does say at the end, the actual message the entire fic is giving. That one I really like. The characterization of Sunset may be flawed and confusing but what the story says is clear and positive. And it delivered in the promises it stated from the beginning.

I'm closer to Dash when it comes to religion. I don't believe in any god, or a life after this one. But I do believe in believing. That if a person pray to whatever entity for a good reason, for the people they love, that has some effect, as small as it could be, in the large chaos that is our world.

Maybe that's why Sunset's actions sound so confusing to me.

Anyway, to wrap this up. Thank you for writing this, and wish you the best in future projects.

Great job.

[Fillyfoolish]

11232851
Thank you :)

[Clockwork2003]

this ending is weird, but it works.

I like it. Excellent fic.

[Fillyfoolish]

11232856
Thanks for coming along for Sunset's journey

[Clockwork2003]

11232864
no problemo.

[Clockwork2003]

I wanted to see the light, but now I see six lights, and they are all too bright. Like the people in Plato’s cave, I want to shut my eyes again.

Unfortunately, there are yet more Sunsets.

I am four parallel universes ahead of you.

[zeusdemigod131]

I can’t believe that God exists. No evidence.

I can’t believe that God doesn’t exist. No proof.

you also can't prove that there aren't invisible, intangible giant moths living in everyone's houses. If there's no evidence that something exists the lack of evidence that it doesn't exist doesn't lend credence to any claims that it does.

[CapNTilfy]

…Why am I listing my schedule?

*snorts*

This last chapter was quite a ride! I enjoyed reading the whole shebang from start to finish!

[SorryLamp]

I quite like this ending. I feel that it is very appropriate. After all, journeys of spirituality, self identity, and introspection are never truly over. You're always changing and learning, growing as a person. To assume you know everything and you don't need to keep an open mind anymore is folly.

I understand that some people are likely not going to like the non-conclusiveness of this ending, but I think it's good. If you start looking for god and answers to the most thought about philosophical questions that have plagued mankind since the dawn of thought and you believe you've got it all figured out in less than a week, something probably went wrong.

All in all, very well done, Fillyfoolish. Ten oudda ten.

[Fillyfoolish]

11232920
Man, silent prayer and meditation are HARD

11233018
Thank you c:

[redandready45]

I see a white light.

No, it isn’t a white light.

It is six lights in a rainbow of colours, split from a prism.

But in the distance, they merge to white.

This is strangely beautiful.

[SigmasonicX]

Sorry for the late comment, I actually read this last chapter when it was published.
Great job on this story! You managed to present Sunset exploring religion really well and presented the other girls in interesting lights. I'll talk more on your blog post.

[Bicyclette]

I wanted to see the light, but now I see six lights, and they are all too bright. Like the people in Plato’s cave, I want to shut my eyes again.

ah, these little visions of these possible futures! i really loved this, and how each accounted for all of Sunset's friends in their scene. i would say to find a happy place for each, but Applejack's stands out in a way that i feel is important to include. ah, i am loving the delicious irony that it is the atheist path that points out that there are greater things to strive for than mere personal happiness

I spend a lifetime with Twilight yearning for answers. She is all I find.

this would win any two-sentence SciSet contest i could imagine

It is six lights in a rainbow of colours, split from a prism.

But in the distance, they merge to white.

a beautiful and poetic end. wonderful stuff

---

the rainbow at the end, the spectrum of colors, really does feel fitting. i can imagine a two-dimensional space where the axes are salience and belief, and as the story progresses through its characters, we wind around the space of possibilities. and it's quite interesting that Twilight's perspective on her religion feels the closest to my own out of the six, but i found the depicted characters more and more "likeable" as it progressed through Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rainbow, and Pinkie. and ugh, i adored your Pinkie!

and i'd like to end by relating to this:

Within each of my human friends, I see the Light. Indeed, in the bond I share with my Twilight, I see Sunlight. I was born a Solarist and vow to die one too.

because, wow. this resonated deeper with me than anything else because this is exactly me. the religion that i grew up with, i cannot see anymore as true in the same way that i did or hoped to back then. but to come back to it like this? to place its pieces in the context of this new life, to return to them a truth that is deeper and more meaningful than the mere literal. to find a way to connect with my parents again in this sphere of life, and the guilt that i feel and felt at no longer being able to. to reclaim these names and to vow to die with them.

agh, i wish i were better with words at this moment to properly express how and why, but yes, having this happen through a fictional Equestrian religion just somehow makes it even more perfect.

just, thank you for this.

[Moonlight Tome]

This was a delight to read. As a long-time Presbyterian, I really enjoyed seeing Fluttershy holding the Protestant side of the Christian faith.

As for the story as a whole, I found it very contemplative, respectful, and honestly quite understanding towards all the various viewpoints.

Very well done!

[The Iguana Man]

"Sunset Shimmer!"

"Hm? Oh, hey, Trixie, what-"

"Trixie understands you have been learning about others' religions and trying to discover the answers of the universe."

"Well, yeah, I-"

"Then fear not, for the wise and knowledgable Trixie shall now impart to you the complete and indisputable TRUTH!"

"...you know what? Alright, let's hear it."

"Very well. Ahem. Seventy-five million years ago, the great galactic ruler Xenu came to Earth..."

"Oh, hey, look at the time, gotta be going now, bye!"

(Sorry, couldn't resist)

[Fillyfoolish]

11537119

"Very well. Ahem. Seventy-five million years ago, the Great and Powerful Creator Trixie came to Earth..."

FTFY

[twidash1993]

11537119
Trixie would be a scientologist lol