• Member Since 9th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Sunday

WanderingMelody


The winds of fate deliver me to you.

T
Source

Sunset Shimmer couldn't ask for much more. She has a great group of friends, a place to herself, and an amazing girlfriend, Adagio Dazzle. Except, the Rainbooms don't know she has a girlfriend. Or that they've been dating for six months now. And there's the tiny little detail that her best friends know Adagio Dazzle as the leader of the Dazzlings, who tried to use their magical singing voices to brainwash the whole school. And drain the students' negative emotions to grow powerful enough to take over the world. Sunset can handle it, though. Even if it means juggling the woman she loves with the friends that are like family to her.

Written to the prompt of, but not an entry for, Oroboro's Sunset Shipping Contest. I had originally intended to only edit a friend's entry, but I had so much fun with the idea of a Sundagio story I decided to try writing one myself.

After talking to some of the readers, my friends, and my family, I have decided to actually enter this fic into Oroboro's Sunset Shipping Contest: Journeys.

Teen/Sex tags for heavy alcohol use in two scenes and implied sex scenes.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 17 )

I really enjoyed this! Which was a super pleasant surprise, because I’ve not actually found many SunDagio stories I like recently :pinkiehappy:

I didn’t enjoy everything about it--there were lots of little tics, like “Red” as a nickname for Sunset, and people calling each other by their full names (Especially “Adagio Dazzle” felt really awkward, whenever Sunset said it), that I wasn’t such a fan of, and I think that early scene of the Rainbooms talking about Sunset ditching them could’ve been cut down a bit. There were also more instances of, like, “the farmer” for Applejack and “the scientist” for Sci-Twi and so on--my own approach to stuff like that is “kill it with fire unless it is absolutely necessary,” so I would’ve tried to cut basically all of that out. That’s partially a matter of preference, though.

And there were also some moments like this:

Sunset Shimmer was having the time of her life.

Which, while presumably true and accurate, doesn’t really evoke a strong image, so it’s a little weak. It’s fine, just not ideal.

And the songs, eh... didn’t really work for me? I liked the choices you made, but I don’t know that linking to them directly did much that the descriptions of them didn’t already do. I can’t usually listen to music while reading, so I didn’t here and it seemed to work out fine. Personally, I’d have cut out the links, removing a potential immersion-breaker, and then, like, listed the songs I’d pictured in the author’s notes or something.

And I’ll admit, I tensed a bit when Sunset brought up Anon-A-Miss, and probably wouldn’t have read the story if I’d known in advance that it’d be mentioned.

But I’m glad I did, because I really appreciated how the context of Anon-A-Miss neatly justified Sunset’s reluctance to tell her friends. And I loved how Sunset couldn’t stop lying--that was a super nice way to make her keep a bit of her old self, which was a nice treat.

And then there’s Adagio. Firstly, I was so very very happy that she refused to apologize for what she did :raritystarry: :heart: And that she and Sunset’s first scene has both of them singing was a great way to introduce them. Sunset being stunned speechless by the spectacle was great, and Adagio having discovered a way to happily sing again does wonders for making her ending to this seem like a happy one. I really enjoyed their relationship and dynamic, although I did at times find all the “I love you” bits a little tiring.

I don’t think this was perfect, though. The relationship drama felt a bit binary and abrupt, like it was either Sunset and Adagio screaming at each other or hugging and making out and not much in between. Adagio’s first outburst came a bit out of nowhere, although it’s totally understandable. Her second big outburst was much better, I think, in that sense, but then dealing with the fallout, both with Adagio and with the rest of Sunset’s friends just felt a bit too easy. I think I might’ve liked to see this expanded a bit, fleshed out more and the characters given a bit more time to process.

Another thing that bugs me a bit is that Adagio didn’t bring Aria and Sonata in on the singing thing earlier. I can see her being embarrassed about it or something, I guess, but these are people she’s spent a looong time with, loves dearly, and presumably she knows how important singing was to them, so it just feels a bit off to me that Sunset’s the first person she’s shared that with.

Sorry, I’m looking over this comment and realizing that there’s a lot more critique than there is praise. I hope this doesn’t feel too harsh--this is probably the most fun I’ve had reading a SunDagio story in a long time, to the point where I realized most of the parts that didn’t quite sit right with me only after I’d finished reading. There was plenty to keep me interested and invested, and several emotional moments hit their mark well.

Thanks for writing this! Been far too long since I’ve found an actually good SunDagio story :twilightsmile:

9161266
Thank you for taking the time to make such an in depth critique! And don't worry, I totally don't mind there being more criticism than praise; I knew going into this that the work wasn't anywhere near perfect and I really appreciate your honest input. I'm replying while I'm out of the house right now, but I'll try to write a more detailed response acknowledging everything later. Just wanted to thank you for reading the story! Glad you enjoyed it for the most part!

Wow. The wrong SunDagio story is in the feature box!

I really liked this. Not entirely without faults, but it was a very positive reading experience!

So I should start by pointing out that Adagio is my favourite character by a country mile, and SunDagio stories almost inevitably disappoint. Far too often it's Adagio bending to Sunset's way of thinking, with no exchange in the other direction. And there was none of that here, which was so very refreshing to see. It didn't dwell on what their pasts meant to them too much, or the changes they had to make to keep together. But nor did it skimp out on the detail and leave them as surface-only personalities rather than characters. Adagio had more to her character than just the word 'sexy'! :pinkiegasp:

Most importantly, Adagio's music was a big part of the story. It wasn't overlooked in favour of treating her like any other antagonist. I'm not at all a fan of embedding links to songs in the body of stories - either we have to take three minutes out of reading to sit and listen to a song (and nothing makes a song more tedious than having to listen to it when you'd rather be getting on with something else) or try to listen and read at the same time. I certainly don't think many are able to listen to and appreciate the lyrics of a song on hearing it for the first time while also reading a story and disappearing into the characters. I personally can't concentrate on reading when there's any music on at all, but I could imagine maybe some could with Plastic Man? Arch Enemy, though, I think are pushing it on the not-being-too-invasive-to-read-over front! :twilightsheepish:

Quite a few bits of the story leapt out at me as being great, or very good omens for the rest of it, and quite a few other bits did exactly the opposite. The songs, for example: that first one for Sunset :twilightoops: (I can see her singing it, totally, but I still cringed), Arch Enemy :raritystarry: (the most boring of death metal bands, but, still, death metal! I always saw Arch Enemy as more Sonata's approach to it, incidentally, with Adagio being more In This Moment in her vocal stylings). So to then see Seether - and not just Broken - was delightful! :yay: Plastic Man is a sublime song, and a great fit for Adagio's mood in the scene. I wasn't sure about Sunset just breaking into song there, not when Rainbow Rocks tries so very hard not to be a musical with songs out of context. Death metal Adagio is a wonderful thing, and Sunset's reaction was the best bit of the story - the main competition coming from this line:

I will not apologize for doing what I thought was best for my sisters

Rainbow going on about her game until everyone else got bored of it was great. Spitfire and Fleetfoot being in the opening scene was proven right as a very good sign of things to come! The nicknames ('Red') and full-name-addresses in speech, especially for Adagio, I thought totally unnecessary. Including the disappointed Sci-Twi subplot was an amazing decision :pinkiehappy: The karaoke booth was a great choice of date setting, too; it's different to others, and feels uniquely 'them.'

If I had one bigger criticism of the story, it would be that Adagio kind of just puts up with stuff from Sunset? It mentions all the nice things the sirens did to help Sunset after the Anon-A-Miss thing, and sells how Sunset fell for Adagio. But the reverse isn't shown so much, of what Adagio sees in Sunset, why she puts up with being treated sometimes as a dirty little secret, and why she's that cut up about Sunset not telling her friends (I know it does explain, that Sunset's friends are important to her, but I could also see Adagio being quite content doing her own thing with Aria and Sonata and happily not integrating with the Rainbooms). It might also be nice for Sunset to consider that if her friends made her choose, then she'd choose Adagio.

And also, when the revelation came out, and Adagio twisted it to make Sunset look really bad, it would have been nice to allow a scene of that working, with the Rainbooms believing her and distrusting Sunset. That amidst all the heartbreak there'd still be some form of victory for Adagio, even if she wished otherwise.

However, this was the most enjoyable not-deliberately-subversive SunDagio story I've read in an awfully long time, perhaps ever! So thank you very much for writing it, it was a thoroughly pleasant surprise It was also a very, very strong first story for you! :pinkiehappy:

Also, you should definitely enter it into the Sunset shipping contest :yay:

9161266
Okay now that I'm home, lemme take a crack at responding.

I can see what you mean regarding the awkwardness of using full names and whatnot. It's not something I'd normally do but it felt in line with the way the show writes their dialogue. I will probably drop that kind of stuff in the future if/when i write new material. There was an intent behind using Adagio's full name with Sunset but looking back it's a really niche/personal reference and probably not one that has wider cultural significance.

There were also more instances of, like, “the farmer” for Applejack and “the scientist” for Sci-Twi and so on

Yeah I'm not... 100% a fan of these sort of descriptive pronouns. I was trying them out because I also really don't like constant use of she/he/they, and using a character's name constantly also sounds jarring in my mind. I definitely want to keep experimenting with different techniques.

Which, while presumably true and accurate, doesn’t really evoke a strong image, so it’s a little weak. It’s fine, just not ideal.

Yup 100% fair and accurate. If I were to go through and do re-writes, this is one thing I would have changed.

And the songs, eh... didn’t really work for me? I liked the choices you made, but I don’t know that linking to them directly did much that the descriptions of them didn’t already do.

I have to admit that they were originally just optional accompaniments I was going to drop in the author's notes, and I was going to transcribe their lyrics to break up the descriptions of the song and of what the characters were doing during the songs. However, I re-read the site's submission rules and realized that wasn't going to work. I don't think I'd do what I did here again, as you have a point that listening to music while reading isn't always easy.

I'm glad that I was able to do Anon-A-Miss correctly. I really didn't want that story to be a major focus of the fic, as I know it's been done over and over again.

I also tried to model Sunset and Adagio's relationship after real life relationships that I have been a part of, but I can see how the "i love you" moments would get to be a bit much.

The relationship drama felt a bit binary and abrupt

I completely agree. It was something I wish I had explored more when I was brainstorming/outlining this, and definitely something I'd want to add in if I were to ever do more significant edits or rewrites. I don't really have the time at the moment, however, and all things considered I'm happy enough with the current version so that I probably won't go back and change it anytime soon.

As for the part about Sonata and Aria, you're probably right. Ideally I would come up with a much stronger reason for Adagio not wanting to tell them, as I really wanted this to be something really intimate and special between them. Also, to be honest the anime Aggressive Retsuko partially inspired me to write this piece, and Adagio's refusal to tell her sisters loosely corresponds to the main character's behavior there.

In any case, I'm really glad you found this one enjoyable. I've never actually written anything that wasn't action/violence-oriented so writing something more mellow was great fun for a change.

9161435

And there was none of that here, which was so very refreshing to see. It didn't dwell on what their pasts meant to them too much, or the changes they had to make to keep together.

Thank you! As I mentioned in another comment, I tried to base their dynamic on relationships I've been a part of, and I have been fortunate enough to have had really positive experiences as a whole thus far.

I'm not at all a fan of embedding links to songs in the body of stories

I mentioned this already but yeah it is rather clunky in retrospect. It was a last minute change to conform to the site submission rules and it definitely shows.

I pretty much agree with you regarding the song choice comments. Arch Enemy really wasn't my ideal choice for Adagio but I've been out of the scene for so long when it comes to Metal that I was at a loss. I'd never heard of In This Moment prior to your comment, and from the brief listen I gave them I agree it suits Adagio better.

The nicknames ('Red') and full-name-addresses in speech, especially for Adagio, I thought totally unnecessary. Including the disappointed Sci-Twi subplot was an amazing decision

I'll definitely look into changing that if I ever write more for this franchise, it was more experimentation than anything. I'm glad you liked the Sci-Twi subplot though. I was worried it might seem too tacked on or insignificant to really be worth including.

If I had one bigger criticism of the story, it would be that Adagio kind of just puts up with stuff from Sunset? It mentions all the nice things the sirens did to help Sunset after the Anon-A-Miss thing, and sells how Sunset fell for Adagio. But the reverse isn't shown so much, of what Adagio sees in Sunset, why she puts up with being treated sometimes as a dirty little secret, and why she's that cut up about Sunset not telling her friends

Yeah I agree 100%. I wish I had had a chance to put more effort and time into Adagio's side of things, but sadly I wasn't. I would definitely want to sell Adagio's attachment to Sunset better if I ever do substantial edits or re-writes to this piece. That's probably not going to happen anytime soon, sadly.

And also, when the revelation came out, and Adagio twisted it to make Sunset look really bad, it would have been nice to allow a scene of that working, with the Rainbooms believing her and distrusting Sunset.

That's an idea I played around with but sadly couldn't come up with a satisfactory result for during the week I wrote this. Another thing I'd want to put more time and effort towards if future edits are made.

Thank you so much for your review and all the time and effort you put towards writing it! I'm glad I was able to write something enjoyable. Sundagio is one of my favorite pairings in the whole franchise so I'm glad at least some people think I did them justice.

9161761
Sorry, this got awfully long :twilightsheepish:

It's not something I'd normally do but it felt in line with the way the show writes their dialogue.

I can see that, but I think it works better with some names than with others? Sunset was addressed by her full name for a while, and I think it’s not so bad with hers, but Adagio Dazzle is a bit of a mouthful (And I think a bit of a departure from canon, since Aria at least only addresses her as Adagio), and, while we’re slipping into personal preference here, I think Adagio’s first name is just so very pretty, so much more so than Dazzle is, that I’d be hesitant to distract from it by slipping Dazzle in there often.

But, out of curiosity, what was the intent behind the usage of Adagio’s full name? It’s not ringing any bells for me, I’m afraid, but that just makes me wonder what you did have in mind.

Yeah I'm not... 100% a fan of these sort of descriptive pronouns. I was trying them out because I also really don't like constant use of she/he/they, and using a character's name constantly also sounds jarring in my mind. I definitely want to keep experimenting with different techniques.

Ah, so, I completely agree with the problem, but, at least to me, swapping out the character’s name for an epithet of some kind is... technically a solution, but not a very elegant one, and introduces a new problem--there’s an extra leap of logic that has to be made the realize that, say, “the farmer” is meant to be Applejack. If you had, like, a lot of different characters, maybe this would be more helpful, but here I just don’t think it adds very much. Applejack being a farmer isn’t really relevant at all throughout this story, for instance, so referring to her as one just feels unecessarily obfuscating.

One thing you could give a try is rejiggering the sentence a bit instead of just swapping out words. So, for instance:

“Ah think y’did just great, sugarcube,” she began, “but uh, don’t you think it might be better if we talk about somethin’ else for awhile, ‘specially since we had Rainboom business to discuss?” Perhaps to everyone’s relief, the farmer caught Rainbow’s attention with the mention of the group’s band.

Well, here, I’d honestly say that saying Applejack instead of “the farmer” would be fine. But, if you wanted to avoid repeating Applejack’s name, maybe you could make the action about Rainbow Dash instead? So you could try something like, “Perhaps to everyone’s relief, Rainbow gave a start at the mention of the band.”

I have to admit that they were originally just optional accompaniments I was going to drop in the author's notes, and I was going to transcribe their lyrics to break up the descriptions of the song and of what the characters were doing during the songs. However, I re-read the site's submission rules and realized that wasn't going to work. I don't think I'd do what I did here again, as you have a point that listening to music while reading isn't always easy.

Music’s a tricky thing, I think. I can only think of two stories I’ve read where an accompanying music link really solidly helped it--in one case, the author wrote and produced the music herself, so it fit the story and scene exactly, and in the other, the entire story was built around and for a particular song that was meant to be played on loop while reading. So while I can understand the temptation to include lyrics and stuff, I think my own finding is that it’s usually more effective to concentrate on how the music makes the character feel than delve deeply into the details of the song.

I'm glad that I was able to do Anon-A-Miss correctly. I really didn't want that story to be a major focus of the fic, as I know it's been done over and over again.

I don’t think Anon-A-Miss is a problem because it’s overdone (I mean, it is), but more because it’s done badly often. Feels like every Anon-A-Miss story I see is a fixfic/rewrite, meant to make a bad story better instead of just coming up with a good standalone story. But, here, it was actually referenced in a way that helped sell the story’s narrative, which I think was a lovely choice :twilightsmile:

I also tried to model Sunset and Adagio's relationship after real life relationships that I have been a part of, but I can see how the "i love you" moments would get to be a bit much.

Fair enough, then! I’m certainly not going to deny that people might sound like that in real life. What I think makes it drag a bit in writing is that it comes across as the story feeling a need to make sure that, yes, I know they’re still in love, whereas the ideal outcome is me realizing that they love each other without the speaking of it out loud being a necessity.

I don't really have the time at the moment, however, and all things considered I'm happy enough with the current version so that I probably won't go back and change it anytime soon.

Yep, totally fair :twilightsmile: This one came out pretty well, so I’m glad you’re happy with it :pinkiehappy:

I've never actually written anything that wasn't action/violence-oriented so writing something more mellow was great fun for a change.

There is definitely something to be said for switching things up now and then! I would not at all mind seeing more from you, so I’m hoping you’ll keep writing fanfiction :twilightsmile:

9161857
No worries! I am super long-winded when I write so I get it.

But, out of curiosity, what was the intent behind the usage of Adagio’s full name? It’s not ringing any bells for me, I’m afraid, but that just makes me wonder what you did have in mind.

My ex-girlfriend-slash-best-friend and I used to call each other by our nicknames/pet names about 90% of the time we talked to each other. We might occasionally use our first names when we really needed to get each other's attention, or when the situation meant pet names would be frowned upon, but only if necessary. On top of that, we'd only break out our full names if what we were saying to each other was really important, ie. when we argued, when one of us was having a depressive episode and needed support, or when we were trying to convey that whatever we said immediately before or after (like, "I love you") held a large amount of mental or emotional significance.

So yeah, in retrospect that's pretty niche/probably just a thing I picked up in my own microcosm that I exist in; I still do that in my current relationship despite the fact that it's been 3-4 years since she and I dated.

Well, here, I’d honestly say that saying Applejack instead of “the farmer” would be fine. But, if you wanted to avoid repeating Applejack’s name, maybe you could make the action about Rainbow Dash instead?

Yeah, that's a good idea. I think I'll try working with that kind of sentence structure in the future.

But, here, it was actually referenced in a way that helped sell the story’s narrative, which I think was a lovely choice

Glad you think so! I think I mentioned this already but I really didn't want Anon-A-Miss to be the main focus but I did feel like it was worth including in some form.

Fair enough, then! I’m certainly not going to deny that people might sound like that in real life. What I think makes it drag a bit in writing is that it comes across as the story feeling a need to make sure that, yes, I know they’re still in love, whereas the ideal outcome is me realizing that they love each other without the speaking of it out loud being a necessity.

I agree that that's the ideal, and I'll try working on that if I ever get around to writing in this genre again. The verbal confirmation/reassurance of love is just something that has historically helped me (and my partners through the years) overcome insecurities when I felt vulnerable or hurt, so that was the idea I had in mind when making these instances as prominent as they were. Still, I get where you're coming from and I'll think harder about when this is necessary in the future.

I would not at all mind seeing more from you, so I’m hoping you’ll keep writing fanfiction

We'll see how life goes but if I am able to I would love to keep writing and improving upon what I know. :twilightblush:

9162045
I like to think it’s a good thing when someone finds this much to say about a story :twilightsmile:

Ah, right, okay. Knowing that bits of the SunDagio dynamic comes from personal experience on your part probably makes them feel a bit nicer--I’d have to re-read it to be sure, but I think they’re probably fine, then. “Write what you know,” and all that. My impression is that kind of thing would start to feel more natural if you wrote that way consistently and people read a lot of your work, but at first glance it was a bit jarring.

But, y’know. This is fanfiction. If that’s how you want to write, I think you should absolutely keep writing that way :twilightsmile:

We'll see how life goes but if I am able to I would love to keep writing and improving upon what I know.

That is good to hear! Feel free to hit me up sometime if you find more space for ponyfiction in your future--it’s been lovely talking about storythings with you, so I’d be happy to preread/edit/bounce ideas with you sometime, if that sounds like it might be helpful.

I’m happy to see that you decided to make this an official entry, by the way! I hope the judges like it :twilightsmile:

9161793

Thank you! As I mentioned in another comment, I tried to base their dynamic on relationships I've been a part of, and I have been fortunate enough to have had really positive experiences as a whole thus far.

It sounds really silly to say it, but I think in this area that's something SunDagio writers very often overlook :facehoof: Not many of us have been in relationships where partners demanded we changed everything about ourselves in order to be worth loving. At least I really hope not. Yet that's how it's written a lot, so having the experience to say, "Nope, that's not normal," does wonders for how pleasant the story is to read.

I mentioned this already but yeah it is rather clunky in retrospect. It was a last minute change to conform to the site submission rules and it definitely shows.

I completely sympathise with how restrictive the site rules are there :facehoof: I think if approaching that again, maybe just describing the songs would be more effective - that way it doesn't matter too much if people don't guess the exact song, and can even substitute it for one of their choice ('Sunset danced to some Country-Pop anthem of female empowerment, the kind of thing that was mostly just an excuse to throw on a leopard print jacket and cowgirl hat and go out partying. She did love the swagger of it, though, and the lyrics just racy enough to be suggestive but leave Adagio wanting a lot more').

I think we all have pretty long lists of songs that would suit characters, stories that could be built around them and so on (my latest wish is a post-apocalyptic pony tale of My Name is Ruin, by Gary Numan, with Adagio or Chrysalis tearing a world down), but overall that site rule probably saves us from an awful lot of mopey My Chemical Romance Anon-A-Miss stories :twilightoops:

Totally fair about Arch Enemy, yeah; they're definitely a good go-to for female-fronted death metal (and Avalanche is a great song :twilightsheepish:). In This Moment have some really good moments - who knew nu metal could make a comeback ten years on? I can't hear their song Whore without picturing SunDagio.

Yeah I agree 100%. I wish I had had a chance to put more effort and time into Adagio's side of things, but sadly I wasn't. I would definitely want to sell Adagio's attachment to Sunset better if I ever do substantial edits or re-writes to this piece. That's probably not going to happen anytime soon, sadly.

I think that's a good attitude towards changing stuff - it's very strange to go back to a story and change it once it's complete, because each part of it shapes the rest, and you often can't change one thing without then having to tweak other bits too. Also I think once things are published it's like they're mentally compartmentalised into 'done,' and it's time to move onto the next thing.

So I think most of the time the best we can do with feedback is keep it in mind for the next thing we write. It means self-improvement is a never-ending journey, but at least you get better with each step.

I'm glad you liked the Sci-Twi subplot though. I was worried it might seem too tacked on or insignificant to really be worth including.

I think it did a lot to break up the homogenity of the Rainbooms as a group, so it wasn't just six of them vs Sunset, with them all sharing the same perspective. Plus, you know, the image of the quiet little nerd girl thinking she has a chance with Sunset and then realising the kind of league she's been aiming at when Adagio enters the picture and how she's been hopelessly outclassed; that's rather sweet, especially given Sci-Twi's heavy focus in the show itself.

That's an idea I played around with but sadly couldn't come up with a satisfactory result for during the week I wrote this. Another thing I'd want to put more time and effort towards if future edits are made.

There's nothing like a deadline to motivate you into actually writing something. But there's also nothing like a deadline to stifle your vision with time constraints :facehoof: And I don't know how it could have been done without feeling like unnecessary angst, because it'd be obvious that sooner or later the Rainbooms would forgive Sunset :twilightoops:

Thank you so much for your review and all the time and effort you put towards writing it! I'm glad I was able to write something enjoyable. Sundagio is one of my favorite pairings in the whole franchise so I'm glad at least some people think I did them justice.

You are most welcome! Thanks for writing the story, and for responding so affirmingly to feedback, this was so encouraging to read :twilightsheepish: And it's great to see this entered into the contest for real :pinkiehappy:

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

I'm surprised you didn't go the full drama-bomb and have everyone leave her. :/ That's what started Anon-a-Miss in the first place, and that's how these stories tend to go, in my experience.

You could cut the entire second scene and lose nothing.

Absolutely loved this story! Great presentations!

9334054
Having read your full(?) review on your big fic rec blog post, I see where you're coming from. If/when I ever find the time to write new things I'll be sure to work on the stuff you mentioned. I'll be the first to admit this story doesn't have a great plot lol, but I'm glad that you felt, despite the many issues you had, it was at least sometimes well-written. I haven't written narrative fiction before so the honesty is appreciated.

If it's not too much trouble, are there any other specific recommendations you have to help me improve my writing? Aside from omitting the character referentials, i mean.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

9369601
Well, move away from Anon-a-Miss, but that's a personal hangup.

It's been long enough that I don't recall anything specific not pointed out in my review. That said, if you're just starting out and able to take negative criticism with this much aplomb, I think you'll do well. :) Just keep on writing, and reading, it's all any writer really needs to do.

As others have pointed out, you did some really nice work here. Hopefully there'll be some more stories from you.

9588540
If i'm honest that's pretty unlikely. My interest in writing for MLP/EqG has waned pretty heavily, even though I still watch the shows. But thanks for the comment and for your appreciation and whatnot.

9588975
That's understandable in the waning original run of the show and all. But, if you write for other fandoms/write in general there's always some people who might want to take a look. <:

Well written, both from a story and the technical point of view.
Story is good as well.
Not bad at all.

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