- Member Since 10th Sep, 2021
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
Xenobyte
Story status: Chapter 19 in progress.
Xenobyte
Joined 10th Sep, 2021 ·
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I'll give it a whirl
Monk
Asshole benefactor and forced into becoming a savior human instantly killed my interest. The writing itself isn't too bad though.
Что ж, начало весьма интересное.
I think I spotted a small typo, you changed two C to S.
Otherwise I really enjoy your story so far. I am interested in how this story will develop. Looking forward to more chapters.
10988189
Thank you for your reply! It's indeed a typo. Chapter 2 is already in a draft state, and after chapter 3 or maybe 4, I'll need to make a delay to refresh my memories of G4, geography and races.
Also, please comment on the writing style, I rarely speak engligh (but I read a lot), so my style may seem wierd sometimes.
10988215
I think your writing is pretty good. Sometimes you used phrases I have not heard before, however I am not a native English speaker myself so that might be on me.
The problem I always have is that I cannot critique people well because I always want to try an offer ways of doing it better. While I believe I am reasonably proficient in English I have never written stories myself so all my experience comes from reading as well.
I think your pacing so far is ok and I look forward to more character development.
Please tell me this is one of those stories that involve rebelling against Equestria.
Что ж, как человек в своё время часто игравший в D&D за варлоков я могу смело заявить, что Фалдаар - вполне неплохой господин.
Хочешь верь, хочешь нет, но у меня была одна задумка где человек, только попав в Эквестрию, находит и разглядывает старое оружие пони и в итоге выбирает копье.
10993536
Это очень логичный выбор для человека в дикой местности, у которого нет никакой брони, кроме пары тряпок.
А так как я любитель РПГ, немудрено, что такие элементы попадаются часто в моём произведении, но скатываться в ЛитРПГ мне ни в коем случае не хотелось, так что вот результат. Ну и ещё хотелось некоторых размышлений на тему "что если". Что если человек будет заброшен в другой мир, имея силы, предназначенные не для разрушению, как минимум не в первую очередь? Что если его сила будет если и не определять, но влиять на его мировоззрение как таковое?
10993536
This is a very logical choice for a human who ended up in the wilderness without any armor, just with his clothes.
As I'm an RPG aficionado myself, it's no surprise those elements are present in my work, but I was strongly discouraged to plunge down into LitRPG genre, so this story is a result. Additionaly, I wanted to have some reflections about several 'what-if's. What if a man will be thrown into another world with powers not suitable to destruction, at least it's not his forte. What if his power will, if not define, but at least strongly affect his worldview. And some other too.
So far I really like how this story is progressing, a very interesting idea to boot. I can definitely tell English is not your first language, but regardless it is still very easy to read, just a few bits of odd wording that trip me up a little haha definitely going to keep my eye on this one.
Yey, always nice to have a story with good cuddlebugs. Just that simple fact elevated my opinion of this story even more. Never enough cuddlebugs hehe
10997575
Thank you for your support! While the last chapter might be very different from the previous ones, I'll try keeping the pace of the story at the same level, unhurriedly unravelling the plot and the world around MC.
PS: English is indeed not my first language, but I'm covering the lack of live practice with reading, quite a lot of reading actually. If you find some 'trippy' parts, you can send me those via PM, if it wouldn't bother you too much. I'm quite a fast learner, so I'll try to avoid those in the future.
This is pretty good. Love to see Ray being a perfect gentleman to Luna. Can't wait for more
Seems good so far and is a fairly easy read. Hope to see more soon!
I just started reading. I will say its a bit jarring but its understandable, considering you said english isn't your first language.
Regardless I'm going to give it a read and let you know what I think!
Really liking the story and you’ve made their relationship work pretty well for how fast you made it happen. In some strange way it has a natural feeling to it thus making it not seem so rushed. Good job with that! Anyways can’t wait for more!
11010647
Oh, so you've noticed it, it was the main reason for the chapter delay, I had to go through all the logical and emotional chains a lot of times and reveal enough of their past and personality, but not too much. I had to hasten things a bit to implement the 'adventure' part for the next chapters, lest the story will lose in dynamics. Yeah, author's problems. xD
11010653
Lol still well done!
11011328
Thanks! It's good to know my efforts were not in vain!
Well I guess I'm invested now having read all the chapter's so far. Even with how some of the working if a little off but still that could be worse.
I love this story and want more. Keep up the good work!
10997601
Nazism by the ponies
11006206
I believe that it's translated from Russian to English, and trust me, Russians have a distinct way of writing!
Very entertaining story, nonetheless.
11044725
You are right, my friend, but there was no translation involved. I wrote raws in English from the start, without translating them even inside my mind. I guess it's just a way of thinking and a specific habit of building sentences.
11044897
My, I’m astonished! Very good work without the help of translation!
11045216
Thank you for your support! I'm always trying to improve my skills to bring you all a better reading experience.
rail?
up
did a good job?
don't
lap
soon?
has?
call half of it rags! The manticores
I've been enjoying the story.
11054221
Fixed that!
Many thanks for the proofreading!
Working on the last third of the next chapter at the moment. If nothing important comes up, I'll post it somewhere around this weekend.
Be very careful
Dont make the common mistake of making the main character the only character capable doing things. Its a common mistake and ends with your character doing everything himself. In a fight, he handles everything, Need a tool, He will forge it, Someone hurt, he heals everyone.
She is a soldier, let her fight. The changeling has changeling skills, deception, misdirection, magic. Dont make her a 1950s film actress who's only job is to fall down and scream.
Remember that a story is stronger when the supporting characters are competent. It gives you as a writer many more options than relying on your main character for everything. Focus only on your character having skills, and you will quickly write yourself into a corner. (A phrase, when painting a floor, don't paint yourself into a corner.)
Monk
Oh and good chapter.
11058020
Thanks for the feedback!
Well, she is not exactly a soldier, which might be proficient in direct fights. She is more like like a stealth recon/investigator/tracker combined, who works mainly solo, with abilities to leave the fight when things go south. The manticores were a bad match for her, but she still didn't retreat alone, deciding to fight rather than leave others behind. If not for her, the other two characters might be gone to kingdom come in that fight.
Most likely, a regular member of a Lunar Guard in metal armour would be much more useless, being easier to catch in aerial battle. The MC himself did not have much control over that fight too, he had no chance of killing two cautious beasts alone, and the ultimate outcome depended on his companions defeating the last one, which was heavily drugged by Lily.
Well, she will have her moments of glory, and the experience she had got in this fight might make her choose more lethal tools in the future.
Anyway, thanks for a good advice! I won't leave other characters without my attention in terms of their capability.
Remove extra word
told
one I am proud of
But it's luna and she talks weird anyway.
The locomotive didn’t look too advanced, according to my sparse knowledge, but a train is still a train, even if it’s slow!
she
involuntarily
involuntarily
11059595
Thanks again! Seems it was better than I thought. You deserve to be mentioned in the author's notes!
I'm trying to show she is adapting to a modern language, but when she is nervous or tired, her old habits kick in.
In my native it's a legit phrase, meaning someone did not dig too deep into the topic and has only superficial knowledge. Wait, yeah, that's the exact word! Superficial, but I'll leave your variant.
Прекрасное произведение. Надеюсь Автор не забросит его.
11070332
Спасибо, забрасывать не собираюсь, пишу не спеша, постепенно выстраивая сюжет и мир. Часто проработка каких-то моментов на будущее отодвигает написание текущих глав, но думаю оно того стоит. Да, пишу сразу на английском, покуда аналогичных платформ, посвященных MLP фандому, на нашем языке нет.
Глава хороша. Если список второстепенных персонажей тоже неплохая идея.
I wonder what will happen if someone close to him dies.
11076484
Oh, many things can happen! But not much of them are good.
The worst case: he will plunge into hatred, loosing his reason for good, burning away his body and mind, but I won't envy his enemies though. That's a bad ending for everyone.
The less extreme variant: he'll seek revenge, if someone is responsibe. But revenge or not, he'll likely become more reclusive and will strive for power more actively, focusing on his mission and procurement of valuable resourses and means for it.
And no, if it's not the case №1, he won't become a maniac who is willing to kill anyone on his way.
Nothing of the sorts is in the script at the moment, but I can easily tell you the most likely scenarios to such 'what if' questions.
11076553
Thanks for the answer.
11076580
No prob, it's always interesting to discuss such things, makes me think more about different sides of the characters in question.
This always tells me the age of the writer. Only the young think this way. Once you get to around 30-35, going to a bar and going home with someone for a screw is normal and common. Waking up in the morning, taking a shower and going to work from someone else house is also common. Of course there is the polite, "Thanks for last night." before leaving.
The second and triple guessing of ones self is done by teenagers. I had the funniest conversation with an older woman I work with. I think it best explains the massive difference in outlook. She picked up this young guy at a bar and brought him home for a good screw. She said that she couldn't get him to figure it out. It was like he had no idea why he was there, even with her shirt off. Grinning, I asked her what she did. "I kicked him out. I don't have time for that shit, It was my one day off." She had to go back out to find someone else or her day off would have been ruined. Adults have responsibilities and two days off. The first day off is bill paying and life related chores. The second day is their only "Me time." If they bomb out, its 7 to 14 days before they can get another shot at a roll in the hay. So, when they are out, there is zero concern if things are going too fast.
Monk
“She was very good at assuming the worst, he always did that but she made him look like an amateur at it." -Arelak
11077013
He-he, funny life story, but you guessed wrong. It's a bit flattering to be called young though.
It's not exactly proper to compare a lone woman at the bar with a very obvious goal, plus the youth who is thick in the head, with the situation the characters got into. Only a day have passed, and they are not on a leisure stroll, but of course the danger brings them closer. I've seen my share of ppl, and while the type you described are indeed not a rare case, the majority still have some issues with going down to business fast, if alcohol is not involved
Anyhow, that was just his fleeting thought, not a self-doubt. He considered the species barrier as well, from the pony side this time, and found it to be much weaker than a human might have. Do you think he'll backpedal or sit still like an idiot when the situation turns to rosy colours? Nope. It's just the situation have not presented itself yet, with their current circumstances. And yeah, Lily is on a younger side, with little experience in such things, so you should expect some funny stuff from her side in this regard.
This is decent and I like what you have so far, but there's some translation issues in a few places, and the dialogue between Celestia and Luna is a bit awkward.