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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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wow total badass...i'm like it!
Disliked,
The excessive swearing and the merciless killing are way to ooc for Twilight, if you want to show her getting cold give us a chapter or two of backstory and if she was cold and distant she still wouldn't be swearing in almost every single sentence!
8059294 That's the plan
le sigh could have been good
8059411 I'm getting the impression that Twilight's psych is completely fucked.
Fed the thing through Grammarly. Here you go.
What do you think?
8059584 Good.
Ok so I know you based this off of "Soldier of Magic" you even said so yourself, good on ya for acknowledging that btw, but I can't tell what your doing here. In Scorch's story he went straight for the welcome back and then retold the tale. You on the other hand are telling it from her escape from the labs as that appears to be the last thing that happens to her before she reaches her friends and retells the story. So i'm wondering exactly how yours becomes elite soldier-esc without the (SPOILERS FOR SOLDIER OF MAGIC FUCKING READ IT, IT'S AMAZING!) war, her becoming a medic, getting proper training, getting her implants etc. It takes more than being emotionless to be adept and accustomed to killing, it helps but without knowledge and training it's useless. So unless they were actually trying to turn her into a weapon or something it wouldn't explain her proficiency in combat, if your going that route anyway. You could just be making her insane (and overpowered) for all i know.
Seems promising will follow it and i await further updates.
Also to anyone reading this comment soldier of magic is amazing an defiantly worth the read if you haven't read it yet.
I've never really liked a total massacre of humans, and I especially don't like it when the humans are the bad guys.
But nice story anyway.
This certainly is very VERY interesting
The grammar could use a little fixing though
this reminds me of the beginning of elfen leid.
I take it Luna will be finding out what happened to Twilight. Her rage will be immense I think.
Sorry but I can't even bring myself to read the first chapter. You honestly need an editor to go through this thing.
Walls of text riddled with typos.
Then there are the constant inconsistancies in Twilights fighting ability. First she's grabbing them and ripping them apart with telekinesis and summoning dark crystal spikes to impale them, and then all of a sudden she decided to just forget how to fight and charges at an opponent like an idiot resulting in a single opponent being able to strike at her face first by kicking her and then with a knife. Sorry to say, but this kind of inconsistancy just killed what was left of my suspencion of disbelief.
Good luck with your story but I'm out of here.
I like where this is going!!!
SO KEEP ER GOING!
8102756 Don't worry she ain't stopping.
Me like I can't wait to see where you take this.
8101336 I know i'm a late with this reply. Twilight was blinded with rage when she was fighting the one soldier, which caused her to be sloppy in her attacking.
Dying Pheonix is best pony!!!
This is AWESOME!!!!!
8195680
8195790
Glad you both are enjoying it.
The dagger reference is so Guardians of the Galaxy, right? And the absorption reminded me of Prototype. And I really like this side of Twilight.
Am I the only one so far that saw the Predator in this? It was still cool though, also yea for down with Blueblood
8195842 CORRECT YOU GET A GOLD STAR!
8196103 Glad you saw the Predator. Also somthing might happen to Blueblood in the near future.
Adding the predator's memories to twilight was a good call he would undoubtedly give her training and experience needed for her to pull off what she was doing in the first chapter and future chapters as well. I don't like the sudden appearance of dying though. It comes off as an unnatural deus ex machina. It would be better to give her a more natural birth. Like she was born from the torture she received during the experiments or to stick with the premise you've set for her birth it would be good to make her have the "soft whispers" motif before giving in. To go forward as is I recommend using a flash back to detail the exact moment of Dying's birth. I.e. a steadily growing consciousness from the first time she used dark magic or a period of extreme anger.
I love the outburst with blueballs it was perfectly executed.
8203583 Thank you for the suggestion. I'll make them when I can.
Dying Phoenix... one of the best mare's ever
When are we going to get another chapter? The suspense is killing me!
8216314
It's coming, just give me some time. I'm sorry it's taking so long.
Like Twilights brainmate
"brainmate" love it
I am enjoying the story but I also feel it seems rushed.
This is great lol I can't stop laughing about them setting the mood for a chase scene But who knows where your going to take us next and I can't wait
8232990
I'm sorry it seems that way. I'm not trying to rush it. Hopefully it's better for the next chapter
What's up with the fragment sentences?
I get the feeling that Celestia may actually enjoy having fewer nobles around as it should speed up the government. Maybe become a republic instead?
8233074
What do you mean by that?
This is a great story. It's so interesting.
8263282
Thank you
8264447
I needs another chapter
8273619
It coming. We'll be having a surprise guest next chapter as well.
Ok I seriously want to fight this twilight and her brain mate it would be fun
8361891
I glad that my version of Twilight, along with her OC brainmate seem to be a worthy challenge for you. [tips hat and bows to you.]
8362891 well not everyday you see a deadly opponent who needs training and can match a predator in melee combat but how are you going to deal with the eminent hunting party's sent to equstria looking for the one that could decent one of there own
8363693
Well Dying was only using a fraction of her true power.
8363915 cool say would you be ok with a spar in pm for fun if.you want
8365207
Sure, sounds fun.
......what?
8386646
Is there something wrong?
8386654
It's just I wasn't expecting 'the commander' to appear in your story. I get that your story was influenced by that one. But even in your authors notes say you were going to put her in, I think you dropped her too soon story wise. Also when twilight's friends found two twilight's, they didn't seem that surprised about.
You did get their right reactions when the news of Rarity death.
But my big problem was just the commander is all and how much harder writing going to be. For not just writing your twilight, your writing with another twilight that's part of an unfinished story. And pointed out that she's been placed after her current story. If your not careful you could put something that may offends the guy who wrote for 'the commander.'