• Member Since 23rd Jan, 2017
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

Vasto Lorde

Comments ( 115 )

wow total badass...i'm like it!


The excessive swearing and the merciless killing are way to ooc for Twilight, if you want to show her getting cold give us a chapter or two of backstory and if she was cold and distant she still wouldn't be swearing in almost every single sentence!

8059411 I'm getting the impression that Twilight's psych is completely fucked.

Fed the thing through Grammarly. Here you go.

Red Alert repeat Red Alert subject P345TS has escaped repeat subject P345TS has escaped.
The guards ran into the armory and grabbed their weapons. A couple seconds later the lead guard walked in." Alright, people, the target is not to be hurt in any way. Make sure your rounds are tranquilizer darts and not bullets. If one of you shits hurt the subject I'll make sure to personally deal with you. Is that understood?"
"Sir yes sir," All the guards said while saluting.
"Good. Now, let's MOVE OUT!"
The guards piled into the hallway and went to cover different directions. Some guards went to guard the exits. While some went to guard some different hallways. Then one group headed to the last known location of subject P345TS.
The guards stood in front of the door that leads into the area where subject P345TS was being held. The guards went to either side of the door, while the one closest to the knob looked at the leader as he counted down as to when he should open the door. As the leader's last finger fell, the guard opened the door and all the guards walked through the door and rushed the nearest room they saw. They all called "CLEAR" as they checked each and every room.
The leader and a couple of the squad checked the room the subject was held in. As they walked in they saw the huge massacre that had occurred. There was destroyed equipment. Blood splattered on almost every room and a huge body count. Some bodies were so badly damaged that their skeletal frame was seen. " Damn this room looks like Hell on Earth happened in here." One of the guards said scanning one of the deceased scientists.
"Sir we got a live one!" Yelled one of the guards.
The group leader went over and took a knee. On the floor lay a scientist that had suffered minor injuries. "Jack, what the hell happened in here?"
" There was no stopping her." Said the young scientist that had blue eyes and brown hair with a light skin color. He was wearing medical scrubs and had a mask tied around his neck. "She was too powerful. She broke her restraints and started killing ever living soul in the room. In some ways that so horrific to even name. She killed everyone in her line of sight. From the doctors to the nurses that helped care for her wounds. She destroyed the monitors and all the paperwork that had any information about her and how she works. Then she looked at me she ran over and stood on her hind legs and she pushed me back into this wall. She walked on her two hind legs as if she were human herself. She came over to me and thanked me for being the only one to treat her nice."
"You treated that beast nicely. Why would you do that?"
"Well, it was the third day she was here. I was late in the evening and I heard her crying. So I walked into her cell to help comfort her."
"You showed sympathy for the beast? For A FUCKING ALIEN!?"
" Yes, I did she was a normal living creature that had emotions."
"Why did you say Had emotions?"
"Well as the days went by she started becoming more like a robot that is told what to do. She started becoming cold and distant. My guess is that by her losing her emotions she became a merciless killing machine until she came to me."
" Do you have any idea as to where she is now?"
" Afraid not. That event happened at least 40 minutes ago."
"Shit! We're wasting time here. Get him somewhere safe and then meet us by the armory. Got it!?" The leader asked as the guards saluted. They took Jack out of the room, while the few of the guards headed towards the armory.
At the Armory
The guards were firing at Twilight as she put her shield up. She laughed on the inside at how stupid the guards were acting. They clearly couldn't see that their efforts were futile. A guard was lifted in a magenta aura and then split in half. As the guard's innards were spilling out on the floor both halves of the guard's body were thrown at the remaining guards. Some were able to duck or dodge the body, but some weren't that lucky. As the body went towards them Twilight had made dark crystals form on the edges of the body and when they hit one of the guards their head would go flying clean off of their shoulders.
The guards continued to shoot at the shield while Twilight kept walking still standing on her hind legs. She was starting to grow tired of the sound of the darts hitting her shield. So she decided that she had enough of watching them trying to tranquilize her and so we ended them all. As Twilight walked purple flames started erupting from her eyes. Then dark crystals erupted from the ground impaling every guard in the area. Some guards were able to dodge the crystals only to have their hearts crushed by the force of Twilight's magic. She walked over the bodies and headed towards the exits. She turned the corner and then another dart hit her shield.
The guards at the door were firing nonstop to try and break her shield. As hard as they tried it was a losing battle. The guards fell one by on from Twilight's magic. " Hahahaha no matter where you hide. No matter how fast you run. I'll always catch you. Then you die" Twilight sang this song over and over as she mowed down the guards. The last guard put up a valiant effort but it was futile just like the rest. As she killed the last the guard more came around the corner.
"Stop right there!" Said the lead guard. Twilight turned around to see the tall man standing in front of the group of guards that were with him.
"Ciao." was all Twilight said as her eyes once again erupted with purple smoke and she erected a wall of dark crystal between her and the guards. " See you never again you fuckers." Said Twilight as she left the building through the exit.
Twilight smelled the fresh outside doors air taking in a huge amount and then breathed out. She lifted her head to look up at the sun. It had been forever since she's been outside.The last time she had been outside was in Equestria. That memory was something she vaguely remembered. She barely even remembered her home world. The only thing she didn't forget about were her friends, the Princesses, and Spike. Along with her sister in law, her niece, her brother, and her parents. They are what made her so determined.
Twilight walked around the outside of the Outworld Organization. She was looking for the ship that brought her here. A few minutes of searching later she found the ship docked on a landing pad. "Finally. I can leave this fucking planet." Twilight said. Then out of nowhere appeared soldiers all dressed in black. "Who the fuck are these guys?" Twilight said mentally. " Hey excuse me but your blocking my way home. You wouldn't mind moving would you?" The soldiers readied their weapons and opened fire. Twilight still had her shield up and the darts broke against it." Huh, you guys know what? This shit is really getting on my nerves." Twilight said in an annoyed tone. Twilight used her magic to rip the ground from right under the soldiers clad in black. A few fell, while most of them recover from the attack very quickly. " Seems these guys know what they're doing. Finally, a challenge to test my skill. This is going to be FUN!" Said Twilight with a wide sinister smile.
Twilight rushed to towards the soldiers with amazing speed. She so fast that none of the soldiers had no time to react. Twilight-lite her horn and grabbed two of the soldier's guns and fired. The darts exited the gun and hit the soldiers in the chest. Of course, them being tranq darts didn't do anything. Twilight then enchanted the darts and then BOOM! The soldier's body parts went flying all over the place. I'm One of-of the soldier's arms bounced off-of her shield. Twilight then ran towards a group of soldiers behind some barrels that had a fire emblem on it. "I wonder what's inside?" Twilight said with another smile on her muzzle. She took a dart from the clip that was loaded in one of the guns and threw it over towards the barrels. There was a loud explosion and a soldier had flown away from it landing on his back and skidded into a wall and his neck snapped. The next two soldiers came running towards her. Twilight jumped in the air and with a little assistance from her magic was able to float in the air.She was using her magic because she hasn't been able to fly for a long time. Twilight fired darts at the ground where the soldiers were standing and they blew up. One of the soldiers died while the other one lost one of his legs. He crawled over to the wall, but before he got there Twilight came down with enough speed to land on the soldiers head and kill him. The soldiers head was now chunks and a bloody puddle."Six down twelve to go." The next four soldiers took defensive positions on the side of a bunker. Once one of the soldiers peeked around the corner Twilight threw a dart at the soldier's foot. It went through the boot and into the skin tissue. The soldier grunted from the pain. The pain was short lived as the dart exploded killing the one soldier and the one behind him. The other two backed off in time only to run straight into a helicopter blade. Both the soldier's heads were sliced and their carcasses fell to the ground. Two more soldiers fired at Twilight from behind some barrels. Instead of using the darts Twilight threw the blade at the barrels.
The blade sliced through the barrels with ease. The same can be said for the humans. One of the soldiers crawled from behind the barrels with just his top half before he died face to the ground. The remaining six soldiers bombarded Twilight's shield. She had just about had enough of this shit! Her eyes emitted the purple smoke from her eyes that. The smoke looked like little tiny fires coming from her eyes.Twilight formed two dark crystal swords and dark crystal armor and took down her shield. She fell to the ground and a crack was made in it. Twilight took the newly formed sword in her newly formed armor's hands and gripped them with her fingers. The soldiers continued fighting after recovering from their bewilderment. The mare swung one of her swords towards on of the soldiers who didn't have time to react and was cut in half. Then fours. Then fives. Then sixes. Twilight turned her attention to a group of three soldiers. They were running towards a hanger. Twilight leaped into the air and landed on top of one of the soldiers. The impact was enough to kill him. Twilight then threw a sword towards the other two soldiers who were for some reason idiotically running right behind each other. The sword went through the first soldier and sent him flying into the other. " Looks like your the only two left," Twilight said in a calm voice. " I think, I'm feeling a little bit generous now that I've had my fill of destroying you, humans. I'll let you two leave. Now go before I change my mind." The soldiers shared a quick glance with each other.
" Here's what we do. We take her offer and then come back with reinforcements." The other soldier nodded his head and they left towards the building. Twilight broke her crystal armor to reveal herself wearing a black and gold armor. She levitated her swords over and broke the crystal. Underneath the crystal, there was a shining blade that Twilight could clearly see her reflection. The hilt of the sword was black with blue and white strips around it. The stripes had no pattern that they were following. Twilight walked over to the black and green ship that had the Outworld Organization emblem on it. She pushed the button on the bottom of the hatch and it opened. She walked into the cold ship. Inside the ship was dark and bland save for a couple of weapon racks and modules. Twilight walked through the doorway that leads to the cockpit. She looked around the cockpit and looked for the button to close the hatch. She found it and then pushed it. She then looked at the controls and found the starting operations. She sat down in the chair and opened up the navigation controls. The controls came complete with GPS. Before Twilight had escaped she asked one of the guards how to set up the ship and which buttons to click also how to work the navigation systems GPS. She made crystal fingers form on her hooves and used the to type in the name of her home planet. After she was finished the ship's engine started powering up. A couple seconds later the ship started to lift off the ground. "Finally on my way home. I hope those fuckers like my surprise. I pretty sure they'll be blown away by it. Too bad I won't be here to hear their screams. I can't wait to get home to see my friends and Spike. It feels like an eternity since I've seen them. I wonder how they've been. (A large explosion was heard from behind the ship.) Oh looks like they found it. Good riddance Earth." Twilight then hit the hyper-drive button and she was then gone. Twilight got up from her seat and headed over to the sleeping quarters that had been set up for the travelers. She then hopped into a bed and stared at the ceiling. Man, it felt so good to be in a bed again. " Guess I should get some (yawn) sleep." Twilight closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep

What do you think?

Ok so I know you based this off of "Soldier of Magic" you even said so yourself, good on ya for acknowledging that btw, but I can't tell what your doing here. In Scorch's story he went straight for the welcome back and then retold the tale. You on the other hand are telling it from her escape from the labs as that appears to be the last thing that happens to her before she reaches her friends and retells the story. So i'm wondering exactly how yours becomes elite soldier-esc without the (SPOILERS FOR SOLDIER OF MAGIC FUCKING READ IT, IT'S AMAZING!) war, her becoming a medic, getting proper training, getting her implants etc. It takes more than being emotionless to be adept and accustomed to killing, it helps but without knowledge and training it's useless. So unless they were actually trying to turn her into a weapon or something it wouldn't explain her proficiency in combat, if your going that route anyway. You could just be making her insane (and overpowered) for all i know.

Seems promising will follow it and i await further updates.
Also to anyone reading this comment soldier of magic is amazing an defiantly worth the read if you haven't read it yet.

I've never really liked a total massacre of humans, and I especially don't like it when the humans are the bad guys.
But nice story anyway.

This certainly is very VERY interesting:scootangel:

The grammar could use a little fixing though:applejackunsure:

this reminds me of the beginning of elfen leid.

I take it Luna will be finding out what happened to Twilight. Her rage will be immense I think.

Sorry but I can't even bring myself to read the first chapter. You honestly need an editor to go through this thing.

Walls of text riddled with typos.

Then there are the constant inconsistancies in Twilights fighting ability. First she's grabbing them and ripping them apart with telekinesis and summoning dark crystal spikes to impale them, and then all of a sudden she decided to just forget how to fight and charges at an opponent like an idiot resulting in a single opponent being able to strike at her face first by kicking her and then with a knife. Sorry to say, but this kind of inconsistancy just killed what was left of my suspencion of disbelief.

Good luck with your story but I'm out of here.

Me like :twilightsmile: I can't wait to see where you take this.

8101336 I know i'm a late with this reply. Twilight was blinded with rage when she was fighting the one soldier, which caused her to be sloppy in her attacking.

This is AWESOME!!!!! :pinkiehappy:


Glad you both are enjoying it.

The dagger reference is so Guardians of the Galaxy, right? And the absorption reminded me of Prototype. And I really like this side of Twilight.

Am I the only one so far that saw the Predator in this? It was still cool though, also yea for down with Blueblood:raritywink:


8196103 Glad you saw the Predator. Also somthing might happen to Blueblood in the near future.

Adding the predator's memories to twilight was a good call he would undoubtedly give her training and experience needed for her to pull off what she was doing in the first chapter and future chapters as well. I don't like the sudden appearance of dying though. It comes off as an unnatural deus ex machina. It would be better to give her a more natural birth. Like she was born from the torture she received during the experiments or to stick with the premise you've set for her birth it would be good to make her have the "soft whispers" motif before giving in. To go forward as is I recommend using a flash back to detail the exact moment of Dying's birth. I.e. a steadily growing consciousness from the first time she used dark magic or a period of extreme anger.

I love the outburst with blueballs it was perfectly executed.

8203583 Thank you for the suggestion. I'll make them when I can.

Dying Phoenix... one of the best mare's ever:yay:

When are we going to get another chapter? The suspense is killing me!

It's coming, just give me some time. I'm sorry it's taking so long.

"brainmate" love it

I am enjoying the story but I also feel it seems rushed.

This is great lol I can't stop laughing about them setting the mood for a chase scene :rainbowlaugh: But who knows where your going to take us next and I can't wait :rainbowdetermined2:

I'm sorry it seems that way. I'm not trying to rush it. Hopefully it's better for the next chapter

What's up with the fragment sentences?

I get the feeling that Celestia may actually enjoy having fewer nobles around as it should speed up the government. Maybe become a republic instead?

This is a great story. It's so interesting.

It coming. We'll be having a surprise guest next chapter as well.

Ok I seriously want to fight this twilight and her brain mate it would be fun

I glad that my version of Twilight, along with her OC brainmate seem to be a worthy challenge for you. [tips hat and bows to you.]

8362891 well not everyday you see a deadly opponent who needs training and can match a predator in melee combat but how are you going to deal with the eminent hunting party's sent to equstria looking for the one that could decent one of there own

Well Dying was only using a fraction of her true power.

8363915 cool say would you be ok with a spar in pm for fun if.you want

It's just I wasn't expecting 'the commander' to appear in your story. I get that your story was influenced by that one. But even in your authors notes say you were going to put her in, I think you dropped her too soon story wise. Also when twilight's friends found two twilight's, they didn't seem that surprised about.

You did get their right reactions when the news of Rarity death.

But my big problem was just the commander is all and how much harder writing going to be. For not just writing your twilight, your writing with another twilight that's part of an unfinished story. And pointed out that she's been placed after her current story. If your not careful you could put something that may offends the guy who wrote for 'the commander.'

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