• Member Since 23rd Apr, 2020
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Mockingbirb


A pony of mystery in the darkness. Or I forgot to take the lens cap off. (They/them is fine.)

E

The Dazzlings were the magic-wielding, mind-controlling queens of Canterlot High, until they lost everything. Can Sonata find something better than what she lost? Maybe something...not evil?

Written for the Sontavia (Sonata x Octavia) contest, because apparently I might write for nearly any contest if I think working with the premise might be interesting enough.
:twilightsmile:

(Art source: I made the story art by selecting parts from, editing, and combining "Equestria Girls" movie frames, with a little help from a friend.)

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 5 )

This will be entered, although if I may, only made it through the beginning, and, it’s kind of week. The ‘how’s the weather opening’ is always a major turn off unless it has some major importance to the story. But even then, the set up just feels... too fast and Un-detailed Octavia was outside, sonata was there listening.
Personally, I’d have it be where you set up Octavia/sonata is outside where they are. In this case, what I’ve read so far, have it be where sonata was listening in secert, acidently talks out loud, which catches Octavia by surprise and go from there

It's harsh, but I guess I have to thank you for letting me know what you think? Especially for letting me know that you didn't make it all the way through it. It's not really good when people comment on parts of the story that they couldn't stand to (and didn't) read, so I'm glad you avoided that. :twilightsheepish:

I'll have to agree with ajvasquez; this could definitely use some work. The plot is fine enough, I'd say. Fairly simplistic, but that's not always a bad thing. But there's a few problems I had, and one in particular that made me pretty much immediately lose interest. It started with this:

Off to one side, Octavia played her cello. Sonata walked up and sat down in front of her, listening.

After about ten minutes, when the étude had ended, Sonata spoke. "I miss the music."

So, it's established quite soon after this that Octavia really doesn't like Sonata. Which is reasonable. I don't have a problem with that. But try to put yourself in Octavia's shoes for a moment. Someone you really strongly don't like just comes up, sits down in front of you, doesn't say anything, and just stays there for ten minutes. I don't know about you, but that seems like it should draw out some kind of reaction. There's a number of directions you could go. But it's not until Sonata actually speaks that Octavia does literally anything apart from what she was already doing.

Now, I actually like the idea of Sonata just walking up and sitting down--it's very straightforward and a little awkward, but hey, it's Sonata. And having Octavia just keep on playing, that's not so bad either. But that doesn't mean she can't also do other things. You could have had her at least raise an eyebrow, or pointedly avoid making eye contact, or shoot Sonata a glare. Maybe she turns to face away, or you could even have had her promptly pick up her cello and move someplace else. These would all probably be more interesting ways to convey Octavia's opinion of Sonata then just having her say it outright. Instead, nothing at all interesting or flavorful happened.

The problem with this is that it stops the people in this story from feeling like characters. Or actual people, for that matter. What characters do often just isn't as unique or striking as how they do it, so you're missing out on a really good way to inject some personality. Instead, I don't get the impression that these people feel much of anything, apart from when the plot demands that they do.

A similar thing happens later on. The other sirens express a strong dislike for what Sonata's doing, but then they just stand around passively while it happens. There's no expression or behavior of any kind apart from dialogue and the occasional action. They could, I don't know, roll their eyes, fold their arms and scowl, whisper to each other--maybe they turn and walk away when Sonata gets the hat, if they think it's so embarrassing. But they don’t do anything. That's not how people work, and it means everyone here pretty much feels like a plank of wood.

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Thank you there. Couldn’t of honestly said it myself :twilightsheepish:
And if you have time I’d love such criticism of my own works. You pre-read by chance?

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And hey, don’t feel discouraged. Honestly as a first or second draft it’s not bad. Just look back at it and try add more to it. Although if you need some inspiration & speaking of, then give one of my own SonTavia stories a read. The one I Would most Recommend is Criticism, as I think it dose the best of any of my stories in setting up the scene;

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/473693/sontavia-taking-criticism-octavia-x-sonata-romance

Ever edit? You were the only entry as I can tell, but The first draft was too sloppy for me to want to turn into a reading

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