Carpe my way into the DMs. HOOT!
As the Dazzlings go about their life, Pinkie is paired with Sonata for a science project and they begin to form a bond. It's different from the one she's use to, and, as she spends more and more time away from her sisters, she forges her own way. Or does she really?
A Pinkie/Sonata fanfiction
Because we need more Pinkie/Sonata fanfiction...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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So it's a shipping fic?
9172442
Yep Yep
I really liked this! It's super sweet so far and I really like how you've decided to bond the girls! :D
Awww ; ~ ; I didn't expect that! Fingers crossed they make up in the next chapter!!
Also found a potential mistake:
I think you mean "paltry"? Poultry is generally chicken :x Or turkey. Or some other kind of fowl.
OH MY GOD I'M GONNA CRY ; ~ ; I didn't expect blue icing out of this ; ~~~ ;
9172494
Thank you. I fixed it :)
9172501
Aw thank you. I'm glad you liked it.
This got a bit longer than I’d meant it to
So, to be blunt, I came here at least partially because Maud was tagged, and how little she was in the actual story ended up being a bit disappointing. I’m not saying she was handled poorly or anything, but I’m not sure the story really needs her tag when she has such a small role.
The rest of the story, I liked! It was nice to see Aria being completely ambivalent on the outside towards the end, and that little moment between Adagio and Aria was really sweet
That being said, I think it fell a little short of what it could’ve been. I’ll start by saying that it could’ve used another editing pass. I didn’t see anything too pervasive, except for punctuation with dialogue (If you’re using a dialogue tag, like “she said,” or something, you need to end the dialogue with a comma, not a period, and the dialogue tag isn’t capitalized), just some odd word choices that I think could be cleaned up a bit. I’d be happy to point some out in a PM, if you’d like?
In more abstract terms, the decision to end with Adagio and Aria feels like a strange one--if you were to show me that moment in isolation, I’d think it was from an AdAria story, not a SonaPie one, so I think ending on that note distracted a bit from the intended shipping of the story (I mean, unless it was meant to be AdAria, which I would not complain about at all, but I’m guessing that’s not the case?)
It made the ending less “Pinkie and Sonata are dating and happy together,” and more “Adagio and Aria approve of Sonata dating Pinkie, and love each other.” Which might have worked elsewhere, but when you were already trying to squeeze SonaPie into a story along with drama between the sirens, I think it ended up being a little cluttered and not really showing either part as completely as it could have. Both sides of it felt a bit binary, like they jumped straight from friendship to romance or straight from drama to sororal love without much to smooth the transition.
So, while I liked what you were going for, enjoyed reading this, and am super happy to see more sirens stories,I think the story as a whole was just a bit too rushed and compressed.
A fanfiction with Pinkie and Sonata as protagonists? I like it!
A Fanfiction With Pinkie and Sonata protagonists where is the Romance tag? I like it even more!
A Fanfiction with Pinkie and Sonata protagonists where there is the Romance tag and that eventually turns out to be actually a PieNata? I venerate it !!!
Excellent work with this story. I liked a lot read it, in fact immediately a thumbs up and among the favorites.
P.S: You're right, this site needs more PieNata.
9172718
Haha I’m glad you liked it, though I have to confess, the Pienata is more of a side attraction. I was trying to focus on the sisters’ relationship as a family.
That said, I think pinkie and sonata are such a cute and innocent pair. It’s like an instant shot of type 3 diabeties.
It was a lovely, short, sweet story. I enjoyed it.
And the world really does need more Pinkie-Sonata.
I think you have a good concept here, but I thought the execution of the narrative was a bit lacking. Particularly the pacing, which I felt was way too fast. There's a lot of potent emotions here that are not given enough build-up and subtlety.
Take for example the argument in chapter 2, which feels like it comes out of he blue and gets to the core of the problem too fast. Aria feels that Sonata is abandoning and replacing them, and that's a perfectly fine reason for her to be jealous, frustrated and upset. But it's not the kind of feeling most would admit to so quickly or, indeed, even be very consciously aware of. (This goes double for a character like Aria, who probably has trouble showing her vulnerable sides and expressing feelings like that.) That's the kind of thing you usually want to save for a very emotional climax followed by a resolution, since at that point the core of the conflict has been identified and can be addressed. I think it would have been better if the outburst came after a longer period of building hostility, during which you could have focused more on developing Sonata's relationship with Pinkie and exploring her feelings of being torn between her friend and her family. (Which was another aspect of the plot I felt needed far more attention.)
It's not an overly short story, but it does feel too short for the concept. You were basically working with an idea suited for a longer narrative.
I also thought you ended the story too soon. Specifically, the ending doesn't directly address Sonata at all, even though she's your protagonist. Aria, Adagio and even Pinkie were all part of the conflict but Sonata was the character who needed to complete her character arc. That is to say, Sonata needed to overcome the conflict, reconcile with her sisters and then pursue her relationship with Pinkie. Since that doesn't happen, her story never truly reaches a resolution.
You do seem fairly talented. Your technical skills are pretty good, you have a decent vocabulary and, like I said, the concept had a lot of potential. My advice would be to focus more the storytelling and stuff like narrative structure, pacing etc.
9175292
Thank you. I really appreciate the input. I’ll definitely do better. You were probably right that I didn’t pace this as well as I should have. There’s only getting better from here.
Moved a bit too fast, but I like where it went. And how many of us really tell those we love exactly that, and nearly often enough?
Oh yeah, Pinkie Pie Swear is great. :D Good choice!
For once, I found myself pleased by Maud jokes. Even if they're all just dumb puns. :)
Feels incomplete, but what's here is nice?