A pony of mystery in the darkness. Or I forgot to take the lens cap off. (They/them is fine.)
Is it a cunning heist, or a first date? By the end of the afternoon, both Octavia and Sonata will know the answer.
Maybe they'll even agree on what the answer is.
This story was preread by Nailah; although the way I usually write, some of the preread's positive effects might not start to show up until a few stories later. Thanks, Nailah!
(I made the story image from EG movie frames/screencaps.)
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This for the contest?
First couple of paragraphs could of been better written, but I’d say good set up and pay off 📰 🤣
Also, I wouldn’t use ! all the time. You don’t need even hyper characters like Sonata or Pinkie screaming all the, and like swearing, they’re meant to be used for effect in big and important moments, so the more they’re used, they less effect they have when you really want them to
Minor note, try avoiding having the same words almost back to back. While they’re spelled differently, still the same. One way to possibly rewrite this;
I would probably end up living in the city or have to travel around a lot to places where I don’t know anyone.
A moment later, Octavia pulled out a pair of handcuffs.
Sonata stared. "I don't think those are really a first date kind of thing."
-this was the funniest line so far 🤣
Although I see you always put your he/she said/actions in front. Which while honestly isn’t wrong and ultimately a writing style, mine tend to go more in the middle of the dioluge, where I can more effectively pause and time to tell the mood and avoid starting serval paragraphs with Sonatas and Octavia’s name over and over
Sorry for multiple comments instead of cramming them into one, but who doesn’t love comments.
Anyways, this was a cute and adorable story. My biggest criticism was the dioluge could of been a bit smoother, and could of DONE with less of that ! and have been used more sparingly 👍
-It feels like I’m missing the pet where Aria gets up to run away. Also, The part where you say, this is Sonata, feels redundant. Both for fan fiction, and the fact they introduce each other later.
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Also feels like there’s a bit missing where Octavia should be suggesting they kiss, as well as any hint Shinng was looking for Sonata as well
10487769
But when I'm writing Sonata I love exclamation points! Aren't they just so great! Life is short and we might as well try to enjoy the opportunities to use lots of exclamation points!
10487748
I feel confident that there are some good stories out there in which swearing is not reserved for special occasions, and the special dramatic emphasis comes when someone manages to speak two sentences in a row without swearing.
Well, I want to do a dramtic reading of this or your other SonTavia story, but either needs some major edits
Agreed.
Smart thinking
Let's hope so. 🤞
Because it is!
Lmao!!!
Sounds gross if you ask me.
Moonlight as a furniture mover!?!?
Mhm
Mhm