• Member Since 2nd Dec, 2018
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Twilight Star


I like to write stories about the shippings: TwiLuna, MoonLight, NightmareRarity, RariLuna, NightmareNightmare, ChryLight, TempestLight and LunaCord

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Starlight Glimmer has been under Princess Luna's tutelage for years. She couldn't be more than happy to have a princess as a mentor. But when she finds out that Daybreaker will return to Equestria, Starlight goes to Ponyville, at the request of her mentor to check the preparations for the Winter Moon Celebration. There, she befriends two mares, a female dragon, a changeling and a draconequus. But Starlight begins to feel unsure whether she will be a good leader in stopping Daybreaker.

A Swapverse story

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 36 )

Looks interesting, Twilight star. I think that when you get to A Royal Problem, Nightmare Moon will appear. :yay:

Oh. If someone cyberbullies you in the comments section, on your profile, or even dislikes your stories just for the heck of it; ignore them. I've been in that situation myself on fanfiction a few years ago by a guest reviewer. :twilightangry2: They were calling my stories shit, cussing me out, telling me to die. They even told me "Why don't you do yourself a favor and take an overdose!" in a guest review on a story I did! :flutterrage: I am still mad at them for that! I'll never forgive them! Anyway, I do my writing on quotev now because of that guest reviewer. So if someone does what that guest reviewer did to me on fanfiction to you, ignore them. Don't let them do the same thing that happened to me to you.

10181014
Thank you so much for the encouragement.:twilightsmile:

10181023
You're welcome. I don't want to see you go through the same thing I did on fanfiction a few years ago.

You have my atencion. This looks good

I've got so many questions
1. If discord is already good, who will appear as the villain in return of harmony?
2. Is Twilight going to replace Trixie or Starlight?
3. Will the original 6 appear at all?
4. Is Thorax still going to be the cause of Chrysalis' downfall?
5. If not, who is?
6. Who will become the Dragon-lord?
7. Who will become the new ruler of the changelings?
8. Will Twilight become Starlight's pupil?
9. Will Starlight become an alicorn?
10. What will her princess title be if she does?
11. Will there be a different young six?
12. What will the new version of the elements of harmony look like?
13. Will the CMC still meet?
14. Will the Equestria girls series still happen?
15. Will the events of "MLP the movie" be drastically different then the original?
16. What will the castle look like?
17. What will the keys used to open the magic chest look like?
18. What objects will become the keys?
19. Will Starlight be creating her own school?
20. Will Cadence and Shining have a different foal?

10181053
Well, I'll summarize. This universe will make some big changes from the original series and it will be very different. The episodes will not be the same, but that does not mean that there will be some that will be very similar. The episodes won't be the same, I'll give you an example: You know that episode where Applejack doesn't want Twilight's help? So this is not going to happen. This story is like an alternate universe in the series with diferent episodes, but that does not mean that some things that happened in the series will not happen, for example: Starlight becoming alicorn. It will happen, but it will not be in the same way that Twilight turned.

10181053
Ditto to all questions. But so far I'm intrigued. Keep up the good work.

10181073
Will there still be the Equestria girls series, MLP movie, best gift ever, and rainbow road trip and how different will they be from the originals?

10181083
I will have to see this yet. It's just that my ideas come up as I write.

10181088
Well, either way, I'm sure that I'm going to like this alternate friendship is magic story-line.

10181088
Could you alert me when a new chapter is released?

10181111
It won't be necessary. When someone adds a book to the library, they can alert you when a new chapter is released. But this only happens if it is activated in the library settings

10181129
Okay. I'll explain.
1- Go to your profile;
2- Click on Library;
3- Click on one of the libraries you have;
4- In each library you will have as many stories as you added, a drawing of a pencil, a trash can and four points. You click on the pencil;
6- By clicking you will see four things you can check: Quick add, track unread, view Tagged Blogs and Email Updates. You will click on Track unread, so you can receive notification of my history and others.
I hope I've helped.

10181141
I think that I got it, but I won’t be sure until one of the stories I’ve favorited has a new chapter released

10181164
Can’t wait for the next chapter!!!:twilightsmile:

I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this, the story reminds me of the Lunaverse, in a good way.

A few criticisms I have, however.

The biggest thing is that the setup before Daybreaker appears could use some work. We've barely met all of our main characters before having them deal with this big moment. What I would've done is spend a few chapters really establishing their characters before dropping them in this big scene.

This usually isn't valid criticism for a story tagged as [alternate universe], but as you haven't established that this Equestria works any different than canon, I don't see how Ember being in charge of the weather works. In canon, I don't believe dragons were shown to be any way capable of controlling the weather.

While I appreciate an AU that has non ponies as element bearers (at least that's the impression I get thus far), I think Discord & Thorax's introduction should have Starlight at the least be taken aback by their appearance. Discord's scene could've had him throw some chaos magic around and possibly share some things about his past.

Not a criticism, but I'd just like to note the interesting parallel your Luna & canon's Celestia seem to have. While Celestia I believe dismissed Twilight's concerns about Nightmare Moon and sent her to Ponyville with little explanation, Luna is upfront with Starlight. She tells her that she has a plan and what needs to be done.

Some typos I noticed:

Starlight Glimmer gaped at the answer. “But what about when she arrives in Equestria, princess? Don’t you have a solution that could prevent her from winning?”

“Yes. See you at the celebration. I can’t wait for the celebration to start,” Maud Pie took a small stone out of her pocket. “Bolder Boulder can’t wait either.”

Starlight had to confess. She was excited to see this and befriend Trixie. She has always liked magic tricks since she was a colt filly. Maybe she might be Trixie’s magic assistant?

Trixie looked inside the balcony, but didn’t find Luna. “She's gone!” Everypony sighed gasped in surprise.

This last one isn't technically a typo, but I think it'd just flow better.

As I said, I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this, despite my criticisms the story is pretty good!

10181251
I know. And thanks for showing the mistakes. Maybe I expand the scene where Starlight meets Discord, with a touch of chaos magic, of course.

10181163

Worth noting that tracking a story will give you updates too. Tracking stories is good if you don't want to give the story a favorite yet, but still want updates to new chapters.

If I should say it, you track the story the same way you "fave" it, but you click the tracking symbol that's near the star favorite symbol.

So the incident with the two sisters is a mirrored version of what happened in the show and as such so is the “series premiere”.

How does Spike know that Discord is in Ponyville before they've arrived? Also, why does he talk about all the characters like they've met before?

Daybreaker will return tonight to bring warmth

That doesn't sound very threatening. I'd recommend changing "warmth" to something to do with scorching.

10181955
I changed warm to heat. Now, about him talking as if they had known each other before, it was because they were getting to know each other

I have to say, this DOES look to be a pretty intriguing story so far. I love how you are making an honest effort to make this different from the actual series opener beyond just the changed characters (particularly the contrast between Starlight and Luna's relationship to that of Twilight and Celestia) and I ESPECIALLY liked Thorax's backstory and as other reviewers have said, the implication that non-ponies can be Element Bearers. And, of course, with Discord being one of the main heroes in this universe, it will be a reasonably safe bet that Grogar will be REAL if he appears later on. And, at least Luna made SOME effort against Daybreaker (failed, but still at least TRIED).

These aren't complaints, just questions asked out of sheer curiosity:

1. Is Discord more than a millennium younger than in canon (I won't ask who Celestia and Luna had to use the Elements of Harmony against the first time because I have a feeling that will be answered in Season 2 anyway)?

2. Why keep Spike in his usual role instead of casting Sunburst (as in Starlight's first childhood friend) in Spike's usual role (unless you have other plans for Sunburst)?

and 3. Why would Discord need one of the Elements of Harmony to handle Daybreaker? He's ALREADY more powerful than any one alicorn (maybe not as powerful as TWO alicorns, but MORE powerful than ONE). Unless, of course, he's been nerfed to just-slightly-more-powerful-than-Pinkie-Pie levels to keep him from overshadowing Starlight and the others, which is cool.

As I said, this is just out of pure curiosity.

Definitely looking forward to more of this.

10182422

Is Discord more than a millennium younger than in canon (I won't ask who Celestia and Luna had to use the Elements of Harmony against the first time because I have a feeling that will be answered in Season 2 anyway)?

Well, in that universe, Discord is practically a thousand years old, since he has made friends with Celestia and Luna in the past. Maybe I'll write a story that talks about Discord's past with the two royal sisters in this alternate universe

Why keep Spike in his usual role instead of casting Sunburst (as in Starlight's first childhood friend) in Spike's usual role (unless you have other plans for Sunburst)?

Do you know those pony from the village of equality? So, in this universe they and Sunburst are the Canterlot 6. I'll summarize, Sunburst is practically Moondancer in this universe

Why would Discord need one of the Elements of Harmony to handle Daybreaker? He's ALREADY more powerful than any one alicorn (maybe not as powerful as TWO alicorns, but MORE powerful than ONE). Unless, of course, he's been nerfed to just-slightly-more-powerful-than-Pinkie-Pie levels to keep him from overshadowing Starlight and the others, which is cool.

Because in this universe, despite Discord being a Chaos Lord, Daybreaker proves to be more powerful, apart from the elements of Harmony, of course. Because as Daybreaker had the magic to send Luna to the moon, that would mean that she would have the power to do anything with her enemies. My intention is not to do Daybreaker OP, that is, Over Powerd.

10182444
Thanks for the answers. I really appreciate it. :-D

Great job on part two/the finale of this lead-off story. The exchanges, characterizations, trial alterations (some subtle, others bigger) and future story set-up are all well done in all the right places.

Maybe there could be a one-shot set right after this story that has Starlight returning to Canterlot JUST long enough to pack a few prized belongings for the move to Ponyville and explaining things in pony to her father and Sunburst, promising to check up on both of them whenever she gets the chance.

Immediately after that, Starlight and each of her new friends getting two "plus-one" tickets to the Gala as a reward for helping stop Daybreaker. Starlight uses ONE of HER plus one to take Spike while giving her OTHER "plus-one" ticket to Sunburst (and helping HIM find a guest to take). After that, she returns to Ponyville. (Maud doesn't have the problem finding guests, because two "plus-one" tickets means she can take all three of her sisters, so she helps Starlight in helping Discord, Thorax, Trixie and Ember find guests to take with THEIR tickets.

In other words, the first half is basically nipping "Amending Fences" in the bud while the other half is a modified mix of "The Ticket Master" and "Make New Friends, But Keep Discord".

Of course, I will completely understand if you already have another/better idea and, if that IS the case, I profusely apologize for wasting your time.

And, at any rate, I will still be looking forward to more stories in this universe regardless.

So you aren't making sequels yourself?

10183248
Fair enough, but he also didn't say he was making more.

10183250
I will make more stories for this universe, yes

10183253
Yay! Cause I want to see more, it seems interesting. :twilightsmile:

“The Castle of the Two Sisters!” shouted Starlight Glimmer in an animated tone. “We managed to find him!”

"The Castle of the Two Sisters!" shouted Starlight Glimmer in an excited tone. "We managed to find it!"

10183358
Thank you for showing me a mistake in the story. I already corrected...

The high points of this story are the ways you altered the scenarios to fit the characters, such as Thorax playing the guitar and Discord using chaos magic on the scary trees. The characters are still themselves.

You have a lot to improve, though. For starters, the prose is dry. There’s a lot of repetition, such as dialogue that’s rewordings of what the narration just said, or using a character’s name multiple times in a sentence instead of using pronouns. There’s also a lot of telling us how the characters feel, such as the narration repeatedly saying that Starlight doesn’t know how to be a good leader... while she’s willingly acting like a leader. That plot point would make more sense if she felt like she had to lead them in fear of disappointing Luna, or something.

But by far, I think the biggest problem is that this fanfic glosses over the implications of its world. A dragon, a changeling, and a draconequus are living in Ponyville and everyone is okay with this; in addition, Discord was never turned into a statue for being evil. (It’s a nice touch that he already knew that Celestia was Luna’s sister, though.) This should have huge implications on this alternate version of Equestria’s history. What lead to ponies becoming accepting of other races sooner than in canon? How many non-ponies are living in Equestria? How much discrimination do they face? How long has this been going on for? Answering these questions yourself could help you come up with loads of storytelling opportunities.

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