Chapter 2 (Edited)
Daybreaker continued to laugh. “Arrest her! She knows where the princess is!” shouted Mayor Mare. Three Lunar guards approached Daybreaker.
Daybreaker cast a damage spell while laughing wildly, before turning into a fire and flying away.
Starlight ran out of the town hall with Spike on her back. She needed to go to Golden Oka’s Tree Library for Spike to take care of the library while she was away. The friends that Starlight befriended today watched them leave. They were confused. Where was Starlight going? And why did she run from the city hall? They intended to find out.
Starlight opened the library door and went inside. She took Spike with her magic and placed him on the floor. Spike was still trying to recover after seeing Daybreaker.
“Spike, I’m worried,” said Starlight Glimmer as she was nervous.
“But with what?” asked Spike as he was confused.
“I am concerned that I will not be able to be a good leader to save Equestria.”
“But why do you think that?”
“I’m very insecure about leadership,” replied Starlight Glimmer. “And Princess Luna is counting on me. But I’m afraid I’m not a good leader.”
“Starlight, Princess Luna has always supported you. She knows that you will make it. ”
Starlight Glimmer still looked uncertain. “I know. But what if… ”
“Starlight. Why did you run from the city hall?”
Starlight and Spike looked at the door, and saw Trixie and the others enter the library together.
“I ran out of city hall because I needed to return to the library so that Spike could take care of the library while I was away,” replied Starlight Glimmer.
“But you know what’s going on, don’t you?” asked Thorax.
“Yes I know. I read in two books that Princess Luna asked me to read: one spoke of the Daybreaker story and the other said that Daybreaker would return on the longest night of the thousandth year,” replied Starlight Glimmer. “I need to enter Everfree Forest to reach the Castle of the Two Sisters to activate the elements of Harmony.”
“Are you going alone?” asked Trixie to make sure as she lifted a hoof.
“Yes. Why?” Starlight Glimmer wanted to know why Trixie asked that.
“Everfree Forest is very dangerous, Starlight,” replied Trixie. “There are very dangerous creatures living there. You cannot go alone. As you are Trixie’s new friend, Trixie will accompany you there!”
“I’m going too!” said Thorax with a smile.
“Me too,” Maud Pie took Boulder out of her pocket. “Boulder is excited to help save Equestria.”
“Don’t forget about me!” said Ember with a smile as she flew in the air.
“Me too! But before we go...” said Discord before snapping his fingers and showing expedition backpacks on everypony’s back. Ember had fallen to the floor because of the weight of the backpack, but she soon stood up as she glared at Discord, who didn’t seem to notice Ember’s angry expression.
“Well, are we going?” asked Discord with a smile.
“Yes!!” everypony shouted except Starlight Glimmer.
Suddenly, the entrance door was covered with fire, just like the window. Everypony was frightened by this.
“But what?!” shouted Discord.
“Where did that fire come from?” asked Trixie. “Trixie wants an answer!”
“How are we going to leave the library now with the exit blocked?” asked Ember.
Maud started thinking about a solution until she had an idea. She went to Starlight.
“Starlight. Use your magic to get us out of here,” said Maud Pie.
Starlight Glimmer looked unsure her ears were down. “But how can my magic help us get out of here?”
“Use a teleportation spell,” replied Maud Pie.
“But… I never learned that spell before… I don’t know if I should take any chances. What if it doesn’t work? What if we’re still stuck here?” asked Starlight Glimmer.
“You will, yes, Starlight. Trust me. Boulder believes in you too.”
Starlight Glimmer still looked uncertain. Should she try? Like, she never teleported before. But Maud believed her. She had to at least try. She closed her eyes as she used her magic. Suddenly, there was a flash. Everypony had to close their eyes. When they opened it, they realized they were outside the library. Everypony celebrated, except Starlight who was recovering after using her magic.
Maud Pie went to Starlight. “Starlight. You did it.”
“I did it?” Starlight Glimmer looked around and realized she was no longer inside the library, she smiled. “I did it! I did it! I managed to teleport all of us out of the library!”
“Saw? You just had to trust me,” said Maud Pie.
“You’re right, Maud. We better get going to the forest.” Starlight Glimmer was still unsure about being a leader to save Equestria, but she tried to prove herself to be a good leader. “Ok, everypony, dragon, changeling and draconequus, we are now going to Everfree Forest. I lead the way.” she started walking. The others followed.
As Starlight walked, she wondered if that was really what a leader would do. She was never good at things that involved leadership.
Starlight and the others were now inside the forest. As they walked, Starlight started to think about Luna. Would she be able to save Equestria from Daybreaker? She was nervous of not being able to because of not being able to lead well. She was sweating nervously as she bit her lip. She knew that Luna believed her, but she feared she wasn’t a good leader to save Equestria.
Suddenly, a Manticore got in the way of Starlight and the others. “A Manticore!” shouted Starlight Glimmer.
“How are we going to get past her, Starlight?” asked Trixie as she looked at Starlight Glimmer.
Starlight was unsure her ears went down. “Well... maybe, could somepony try to talk to her and try to find out why she’s like this?” suggested Starlight Glimmer as she raised a hoof nervously. She didn’t know if that was what a leader would do.
“Leave it to me, Starlight.” Thorax approached the Manticore. The Manticore rose as she roared.
Thorax took his guitar and started playing a song. The Manticore smiled as she started to close her eyes, until she fell to the floor.
Starlight and the others took advantage and passed the Manticora. Starlight looked at Thorax. “I didn’t know you could play lullabies on a guitar.”
“Yeah, I know. The best way to beat an enemy is through kindness,” said Thorax. Starlight smiled, because she agreed with what Thorax said.
Starlight and the others were now in a very dark part of the forest. She used her magic to light the place, as she led the way. What they didn’t realize was that a fire passed between them, and entered a tree.
“It looks like I stepped on something.” Maud lifted a hoof that was dirty with mud.
Starlight shouted at what she saw. “It’s just mud, Starlight.” Maud Pie looked ahead and saw that a tree was on fire.
Everypony except Discord sat on the floor and they hugged each other in fear. But they heard Discord’s laughter. They looked at Discord and saw that he made a bucket of water to put out the flames and replaced the tree with an apple tree, and increased the size of the apples.
“This is so fun,” he said as he wiped away the tears that came out of his eyes from laughing.
“Discord, why are you laughing?” asked Starlight Glimmer as she was confused. “The forest is on fire!”
Discord, still laughing, looked at Starlight Glimmer. “Starlight, try to laugh at the situation. Look at this!” he snapped his fingers and made a cloud of cotton candy appear, it started raining chocolate milk, picked up six glasses, filled each glass with chocolate milk that came out of the cloud and handed it to his friends.
Everypony was confused. Why wasn’t Discord afraid? Like, the surrounding forest was on fire.
“Discord, why are you not afraid?” asked Starlight Glimmer, still confused.
“Starlight, try to see the bright side,” he drank some of the chocolate. “I am the Lord of Chaos! I can make the most hideous situations become the funniest!”
Starlight seemed uncertain about what Discord said. “Are you the Lord of Chaos?”
“Yes. I’ve been alive for over a thousand years,” replied Discord with a smile as he drank the chocolate, but when he realized he had no more he threw it away, resulting in it exploding. “I can make the most impossible things happen. Watch.”
Discord snapped his fingers and caused all the fires around the trees to be replaced by giant popcorn. Starlight was surprised by this. She never saw any of that in her life. She looked at Discord.
“Do you know just how to make things chaotic around?” asked Starlight Glimmer.
“No. Of course not. I can tell jokes and make jokes,” he snapped his fingers and a microphone appeared on his paw. “Would anypony like to hear a joke or see me do antics?”
“Discord, we cannot stand here. We have to keep walking,” said Starlight Glimmer as she got up from the grass.
“Maybe later then?” suggested Discord.
“Yes. Later.” Starlight Glimmer started walking. Those who were sitting on the floor stood up. Discord made his microphone disappear before continuing to follow his friends.
As they left the darkest part of the forest, they stopped when they saw a large river. Unfortunately, the river was full of waves.
“How are we going to cross the river like that?” asked Starlight Glimmer.
“Trixie has an idea. But unfortunately I only have a teleportation bomb,” Trixie looked a little sad, but then she smiled. “But if it is to help your friends, then Trixie will do it,” she dropped a magic bomb on the floor and smoke occurred. Nopony could see nothing.
When the smoke cleared, everypony, except Trixie realized that they were now on the other side. Ember approached Trixie, looking surprised. How did Trixie do this? She needed to know!
“Trixie! How did you manage to do that?” she asked.
Trixie looked at Ember with a smile as she put a hoof close to her mouth, as if it meant for her to be silent. “Shh. Trixie cannot tell you its secrets. Why else, it won’t be magic anymore.”
“Let’s go, guys.” Starlight Glimmer motioned for the others to follow her. They followed Starlight.
While Starlight led the way, she couldn’t believe that she managed to get through all the obstacles so far. Well, she didn’t do it all alone, of course. They came with her and helped her. She just hoped to be a good leader and save Equestria from Daybreaker. At the time, she wasn’t sure if all she did was what a real leader would do.
Starlight and the others were walking until they saw the Castle of the Two Sisters from a distance. Starlight stopped when she saw the castle.
"The Castle of the Two Sisters!" shouted Starlight Glimmer in an excited tone. "We managed to find it!"
“Starlight! Look!” Maud Pie pointed to something.
Starlight looked at Maud confusedly before looking at where Maud was pointing, and her joy fell to sadness. The bridge to the castle was broken. They approached the bridge.
“How are we going to get across now?” asked Starlight Glimmer as she lifted a hoof. She couldn’t believe it. After the efforts she had. When she was about to arrive at the castle, the bridge was broken. And now?
“Don’t worry. I’ll fix the bridge,” said Ember, before flying to where the side of the broken bridge was and going to the other side to tie. Starlight was relieved about that. She had even forgotten that Ember had wings.
When Ember was about to tie the final knot, she heard something. “Ember...”
Ember stopped what she was doing. “What was this?”
“Ember...” said the mysterious voice.
“I know you’re there, Daybreaker!” Ember made a fighting stance. “You may appear!”
“Why, we were waiting for you, Ember,” said the mysterious voice.
“Waiting for me?” asked Ember, now confused.
“Why, you. Of course.”
Ember smiled. “Really? Gosh. I don’t even know what to say. Hey! But could you show up?”
“Yes,” in the fog appeared a group of pegasus in red uniforms. “We are... the Firebolts.”
Ember was confused. “We are the guardians of Everfree Forest,” explained the female pegasus. “We have been watching you, and we must confess, you’re very brave and determined for a dragon.”
Ember smiled at the compliment. “Thanks. But why were you watching me?”
“We were watching you because we are in need of a leader, and we were thinking of you being our leader, since you’re a dragon that most ponies and creatures admire.”
“Really?” asked Ember with a smile.
“Yes. Join us,” said the pegasus mare.
“Ember! Why are you taking so long?” asked Starlight Glimmer.
Hearing Starlight’s voice, Ember remembered what she had to do.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t accept it.” Ember tied the rope, flew and went to her friends.
The trio of pegasus were not happy, they jumped and turned on fire.
Upon reaching where her friends were, she watched them cross. Ember went to Starlight.
“I would never abandon my friends,” she said. Starlight smiled at what Ember said.
Upon entering the old castle, Starlight noticed something that caught her attention.
“The elements! We found it!” she said.
Discord and Ember went to the petrified elements and placed them on the floor. Nothing happened.
“And now?” asked Discord, now confused. “Was something supposed to happen or...?”
Starlight sat on the floor as she looked at the petrified elements. “Princess Luna told me that I should try to activate them.”
“So when they activate does it mean that we will have defeated Daybreaker?” asked Discord to be sure.
“I think so,” replied Starlight Glimmer. “Stay behind. I don’t know what can happen,” she closed her eyes as she started using her magic on the petrified elements.
“We will wait outside. Starlight needs to focus,” said Trixie as she left the castle. The others, with the exception of Starlight, followed.
A fire entered the castle and approached the elements and began to spin around. Starlight, sensing a wind very close to her, she opened her eyes. But when she opened it, she screamed. Unfortunately, she didn’t have time to react, because the fire went out just in time.
Starlight froze. This couldn’t be happening. And now? How would she activate the Elements of Harmony without them around? She started to get nervous.
“OK. Calm down, Starlight. You haven’t failed Equestria and Daybreaker certainly hasn’t won yet.” she said to herself in the hope of to calm down.
Suddenly, she felt a light. She looked out the window and saw that in one part of the castle it was glowing white through the windows. Starlight smiled. Perhaps the Elements were there. But that would mean that Daybreaker must also be there. Probably waiting for her to arrive. She was nervous about it. Although she wanted to defeat Daybreaker, she wanted to try to talk to Daybreaker and understand why Daybreaker was like that. She took a deep breath and ran. What she didn’t realize was that those she befriended, entered the castle, probably because they heard the cry of Starlight.
As Starlight ran down the hall, she noticed some tapestries by Luna with a white alicorn with a pink mane. She didn’t even have to think straight, because she knew very well who this alicorn was. When she was chosen as Princess Luna’s student, she noticed that her mentor was sad and was crying about something. Concerned about her friend and mentor, she had asked why Luna was crying. Luna explained that she missed Celestia. At first, she was obviously confused. Did Luna have a sister? Luna told her entire story. From foalhood until she and Celestia started to rule Equestria. But when Luna started to tell that Celestia started to become arrogant, getting to the point of not wanting to lower the sun and become Daybreaker, Luna cried even more when she said she had to banish her own sister to the sun. Starlight comforted Luna. But as the days went by, with her keeping Luna company, she noticed that Luna started to feel happier and less sad.
Starlight stopped when she saw a closed door. It was now. That was the time. She would have to confront Daybreaker. But she would try to use the words, to see if Daybreaker would surrender. She just hoped that all the efforts she has made so far wouldn’t be in vain. She courageously opened the door, but her courage changed to fear when she saw Daybreaker sitting on the throne, playing with the elements with the mane of fire.
Daybreaker looked at Starlight and smiled. Starlight’s ears went down. Daybreaker dropped the petrified element and approached Starlight.
When Daybreaker got very close, she said, “well, well, if isn't my sister’s dear student...”
Starlight was surprised her ears went up. How did Daybreaker know she was a student of Luna’s?
“How do you know I’m a student of hers?” she asked.
“Simple. When I noticed that it was you who were leading the way here with other species, I knew you were somehow related to her,” replied Daybreaker. “Since you and she want balance and harmony,” she stuck out her tongue as if disgusted by it.
Starlight decided to try to use the dialog. “But Daybreaker, Equestria needs balance and harmony for species to continue to do well. With the day being eternal, everyone would die of heat. ”
“Why would they die of heat?” asked Daybreaker. “My sun brings warmth and everypony can enjoy the day to do whatever they want.”
“Yes. But with the sun every day without the night, no one could rest, watch the stars after a long day,” said Starlight Glimmer. “And everypony needs to rest at night so they can wake up the next day with energy.”
“My sun can bring the rest they need so well,” Daybreaker looked at Starlight, not taking her pride off her face. “They are the ones who are not used to resting during the day.”
“Daybreaker, this can be true. But twenty-four hours with the sun in the sky is not good,” said Starlight Glimmer. “Especially for nocturnal animals.”
Daybreaker laughed. “Is it too much? Poor ponies and nocturnal animals. They should know that the day is much better and more important than the night!”
“I know you want your day to be enjoyed forever, Daybreaker,” said Starlight. “But don’t you think it’s better to go to Princess Luna and apologize?”
“Apologize? For that weak Princess?” Daybreaker asked before she got angry. “Never! And don’t try to reform me and make me be that weak princess of the past! Because I wouldn’t go!”
Starlight Glimmer was surprised. “How did you know that I was going to try to reform you?”
Daybreaker smiled wickedly. “Simple. You’re probably talking to me now because you want me to surrender and return to rule with my ex-sister, without you having to use the elements on me.”
“How do you know that?” asked Starlight Glimmer.
“I’ve been watching you and your army since you left the city hall with your dragon friend,” replied Daybreaker. “And now, you’re at my mercy. With no one to save you.”
Starlight looked down. She couldn’t believe that she failed Equestria. Wait. Why was she surrendering to Daybreaker? She couldn’t let Daybreaker win. She teleported. Daybreaker was surprised. Where Starlight was it? She looked where the elements were and saw Starlight using her magic on the elements to activate. Daybreaker was angry. She couldn’t afford it. She turned on fire and went to Starlight.
Starlight was still trying to activate the elements, but so far, nothing. What she didn’t realize was that Daybreaker got to where she was. Suddenly, Starlight was thrown back by a fire, she cried out in pain as she fell to the floor. Upon rising, she saw the Elements of Harmony shining.
Daybreaker was surprised. This couldn’t be happening. This cheeky filly couldn’t have managed to activate the most powerful weapon.
“No ...” whispered Daybreaker. “No!!”
Starlight smiled hopefully. She did it! But her happiness changed to concern when she saw the elements stop shining.
“What? But why didn’t it work?” asked Starlight Glimmer as she was confused. Why didn’t it work? Luna told her to activate the elements, but even then, the elements didn’t activate. Why?
Daybreaker started laughing madly as she lifted the hooves and hit the hooves on the ground, resulting in the petrified elements becoming fragments. Starlight couldn’t believe this was happening. She led everypony to come here to activate the elements, and now, when she was about to defeat Daybreaker, the elements decide not to activate. She looked sideways guiltily. She was a terrible leader. She failed Equestria and mostly, her mentor.
Daybreaker noticed Starlight’s expression and silence, and decided to say, “Are you speechless? Because you really should be. After I finish decorating my new castle, I’ll see what I should do with you.”
Starlight felt like crying. Yeah. She really failed Equestria. She didn’t understand why she failed. She did everything Luna asked her to do. She checked the preparations, made friends and tried to activate the elements. But even so, she failed. She was about to get up to leave the place, but she heard a voice calling to her.
“Starlight!”
Starlight was surprised. A sparkle appeared in her eyes. She started to feel something about her. She finally understood. She looked at Daybreaker as she got up. While she was doing this, who she befriended earlier came into the room.
Daybreaker heard footsteps. She looked back and saw that now there was only Starlight in place. She smiled.
“Do you know very well what these five here in this room represent?” asked Starlight Glimmer. But there was no time for Daybreaker to respond. “That’s right. The spirits of the Elements of Harmony!”
The fragments that were on the floor, began to shine. Daybreaker looked incredulous.
“What?!” shouted Daybreaker.
“Maud Pie, who told me the truth when she told me that I could get us out of a difficult situation. It represents the spirit of honesty!” said Starlight Glimmer. The fragments of the element of honesty went to Maud Pie and formed a necklace with a jewel with a gray stone design. She gave a small smile.
“Thorax, who calmed a Manticora by playing a song with his guitar instead of using violence. It represents the spirit of kindness!” said Starlight Glimmer. The fragments of the element of kindness went to Thorax. He was a little scared at first, but when it formed a necklace with a jewel of a light green heart, he calmed down.
“Discord, who laughed at the danger and made us no longer afraid. It represents the spirit of Laughter!” said Starlight Glimmer. Discord smiled as the fragments of the element of laughter went to him and formed a necklace with an umbrella jewel up. He started to dance in place.
“Trixie, who sacrificed her last teleport bomb to take us to the other side. It represents the spirit of generosity!” said Starlight Glimmer. The fragments of the element of generosity went to Trixie and formed a necklace with a jewel from a crescent moon. Trixie smiled proudly with the necklace.
“And Ember, who hasn’t given up on her friends, not even for an offer to be a leader. It represents the spirit of loyalty!” said Starlight Glimmer. The fragments of the element of loyalty went to Ember and formed a necklace with a jewel from a red fire. Ember looked at Daybreaker determinedly.
“The spirits of these four species were able to pass through whatever challenge we were given,” said Starlight Glimmer with confidence.
Daybreaker laughed, but was forced. “You don’t even have the sixth element! How do you expect the spark to work?”
Starlight’s confidence waned with those words. She didn’t know it had a sixth element. And now? But she started to feel something approaching her head. Her confidence has returned. She knew very well what it was.
“You see, Daybreaker... when all the elements are together, the sixth element is created... the element of Magic!” Starlight Glimmer closed her eyes when she spoke the last sentence. The brightness increased until it formed a crown with a pink star, just like her Cutie Mark. She and the others started to float, until it formed a rainbow and went to Daybreaker. Daybreaker started screaming in pain. Starlight opened her eyes and a flash appeared.
When the flash disappeared, Starlight and her friends were already on the floor and with their eyes closed. Thorax and Ember were side by side, Discord was on the left side of Starlight, Trixie on the right side of Starlight, and Maud was isolated.
Starlight opened her eyes. Did she do it? She stood up and looked at where Daybreaker was before. In the place of Daybreaker was an white alicorn with pink gum mane, beside it was the broken orange armor. She was about to go over there to see how the alicorn was doing. But she stopped when she heard a benevolent voice.
“You did well, Starlight.” Starlight and her friends looked at the window and saw a flash. The day had turned to night, and from the moon, a light came out that was approaching to the ground. Until there was a glow again. Who was in front of them now was nothing more than Princess Luna, who smiled at her subjects.
Everypony bowed to Luna, except Starlight who went to her mentor. “Princess Luna!”
“Starlight Glimmer! My dear student!” said Luna. When Starlight got really close, she hugged her student with a hoof while Starlight hugged Luna back with a hoof too.
They came out of the embrace. “I knew you would be a good leader,” said Luna with a smile.
“Do you really think I was a good leader?” asked Starlight Glimmer, still unsure.
“Of course, Starlight. You did really well. You not only made friends as I asked, but you also demonstrated your ability to lead,” replied Luna with a smile. “I’m proud of you.”
Starlight Glimmer smiled at her mentor’s words. She never imagined that she would be able to lead. If Luna thought she led well, then it would mean that she would be a good leader when more threats arise in Equestria.
Luna looked over to where the old throne was and saw Celestia on the floor, eyes closed. She realized that Celestia’s powers were weakened because she lost half of her power through the Elements of Harmony. She approached her sister.
Celestia heard footsteps. She opened her eyes and saw Luna approaching her. Celestia looked away, ashamed of herself.
“Since I banished you to the sun, I expected one day to see you like this again,” said Luna as she sat on the floor. Celestia looked back at Luna. “Now that you’re back to normal we can continue to rule Equestria together, big sister.”
“Sister?” asked everypony, except Starlight Glimmer and Discord.
Luna got up as she said, “Celestia, would you like to rule again with me?”
Celestia looked at the floor while she thought. Starlight and their friends waited nervously for an answer.
Celestia went to Luna as she was crying. “I’m sorry, Luna! I’m sorry for letting my ego take the best of me and trying to destroy you! Could you forgive me?”
“Of course, Sister,” said Luna.
Starlight approached Luna. “Princess Luna.”
Luna stood up and looked at Starlight Glimmer with a smile. “Yes, Starlight?”
“Is it okay if I live in Ponyville?” asked Starlight Glimmer. “It’s just that I would like to spend time with my new friends.”
Luna started to think. It was going to be difficult for her. Since she considered Starlight to be a daughter to her. Starlight managed to cheer her up and keep her company all these years after she chose Starlight as a student. But since Starlight had made new friends, and as far as Luna could see, Starlight had become attached to them. As much as she liked Starlight as a daughter, she knew that if she didn’t let Starlight stay in Ponyville, she knew that Starlight probably wouldn’t be so happy without her new friends. She knew what she had to answer, but she knew it was going to be difficult to her.
“Of course you can, Starlight,” replied Luna with a smile.
“Thank you, Princess Luna. Thank you so much,” said Starlight as she was now smiling with joy.
Now, just because this fanfic has ended, it doesn't mean that you can't write fanfics for this universe too. Join this group and write stories about this alternative universe too.
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Great job on part two/the finale of this lead-off story. The exchanges, characterizations, trial alterations (some subtle, others bigger) and future story set-up are all well done in all the right places.
Maybe there could be a one-shot set right after this story that has Starlight returning to Canterlot JUST long enough to pack a few prized belongings for the move to Ponyville and explaining things in pony to her father and Sunburst, promising to check up on both of them whenever she gets the chance.
Immediately after that, Starlight and each of her new friends getting two "plus-one" tickets to the Gala as a reward for helping stop Daybreaker. Starlight uses ONE of HER plus one to take Spike while giving her OTHER "plus-one" ticket to Sunburst (and helping HIM find a guest to take). After that, she returns to Ponyville. (Maud doesn't have the problem finding guests, because two "plus-one" tickets means she can take all three of her sisters, so she helps Starlight in helping Discord, Thorax, Trixie and Ember find guests to take with THEIR tickets.
In other words, the first half is basically nipping "Amending Fences" in the bud while the other half is a modified mix of "The Ticket Master" and "Make New Friends, But Keep Discord".
Of course, I will completely understand if you already have another/better idea and, if that IS the case, I profusely apologize for wasting your time.
And, at any rate, I will still be looking forward to more stories in this universe regardless.
So you aren't making sequels yourself?
10183246
He didn’t say that.
10183248
Fair enough, but he also didn't say he was making more.
10183250
I will make more stories for this universe, yes
10183253
Yay! Cause I want to see more, it seems interesting.
"The Castle of the Two Sisters!" shouted Starlight Glimmer in an excited tone. "We managed to find it!"
10183358
Thank you for showing me a mistake in the story. I already corrected...
The high points of this story are the ways you altered the scenarios to fit the characters, such as Thorax playing the guitar and Discord using chaos magic on the scary trees. The characters are still themselves.
You have a lot to improve, though. For starters, the prose is dry. There’s a lot of repetition, such as dialogue that’s rewordings of what the narration just said, or using a character’s name multiple times in a sentence instead of using pronouns. There’s also a lot of telling us how the characters feel, such as the narration repeatedly saying that Starlight doesn’t know how to be a good leader... while she’s willingly acting like a leader. That plot point would make more sense if she felt like she had to lead them in fear of disappointing Luna, or something.
But by far, I think the biggest problem is that this fanfic glosses over the implications of its world. A dragon, a changeling, and a draconequus are living in Ponyville and everyone is okay with this; in addition, Discord was never turned into a statue for being evil. (It’s a nice touch that he already knew that Celestia was Luna’s sister, though.) This should have huge implications on this alternate version of Equestria’s history. What lead to ponies becoming accepting of other races sooner than in canon? How many non-ponies are living in Equestria? How much discrimination do they face? How long has this been going on for? Answering these questions yourself could help you come up with loads of storytelling opportunities.