• Member Since 28th Apr, 2012
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darkangel_31314


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Twilight Sparkle wakes up on the edge of the Everfree Forest, with no memory of how she got there, or why she is now several months pregnant. The last thing she remembers is getting home to Ponyville after attending her brother's wedding. What happened? Why is she with foal? And why has Fluttershy's cottage been abandoned for some time?
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This is my first MLP fic, and the first story I have posted online in many years. Its been bouncing around my head for several months now, and I've been wanting to write for much longer. I would like some feedback on my writing style, and if you have any ideas for where to take this tale, please share them with me.

Sequal: The Rogue Stallion

Chapters (13)
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Comments ( 493 )

As a famous sci-fi ambassador once said;

"And so... it begins."

Hmmm :trixieshiftright: interesting...
Let the insane explantaions in my head begin!

Looks good... No obvious errors that I noticed. Shall be watching to see if continues well or dies off as so many stories do.

o-o what... happened??????????? >.<

good story, can't wait to see more, nicely written and can't see anything wrong with it.. then again i'm really tired right now and i should probably sleep..... but to many good stories to read >.<

but yea i am eager to see what happens next, but don't rush on our accounts :twilightsmile:

-favorited and tracked-

1. Get a picture for your fic.
2. Continue writing.
3. You're probably gonna get featured.
4. :moustache:

I don't know what's happened, but I really, really want to know more. Keep 'em coming.
Only thing I can point out is that at one point, you italicize Twilight's thoughts, the rest of the time you don't. It would probably help to do that for the rest of her thoughts, for the sakes of consistency and for showing clearly what parts are her thoughts and which aren't. Only a minor issue, mind.
Now, as I was saying, please let there be more. I know there is, but it feels like begging might help.

That last line was probaly said by one of her friend so this is what I came up with.

Applejack most likely still lives there but she only comes to town on buisness or her friends. Since Twilight was missing and Fluttershy gone it's probably the former. But then again there was no hint of a southern accent.

Fluttershy gone so she's out of the question.

Pinkie Pie takes a crisis really good so she would not have said one word and not be bouncing around.

Rarity is most likely in Canterlot so she's not there

So by process of elimination it is Rainbow Dash. She's loyal so she is obviously going to stay and never give up hope. :rainbowdetermined2:

Or them again by the tone of voice it's Fluttershy but death can due a number on friends

1078239 nothing about Fluttershy being gone just her cottage is abandoned, my guess it's Fluttershy

Poor Twilight always ends up in situations like these. Faved and upvoted, because I am eager to find out where this will lead.

i dont read sad story's where some ponys from the M6 dies but i will give this a shot

This is certainly a very interesting concept. I really want to know where you're taking this. Well done, sir :twilightsmile:



One thing, though. You spelled Changeling as "Changling" throughout. I do believe spelling it with the "e" after the "g" is correct. But other than that, I didn't notice anything major.

Happy writing dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra.png

well this is interesting. I hope you will continue it. Faved, followed and upvoted. :scootangel:

Wooo! Update! :yay:

So that's where the Nightmare Moon tag comes into play. Should be interesting dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra.png

Also, 2 down, 3 to go.

Thanks to everyone for the comments. I didn't expect this kind of response to one of my stories!
:scootangel: Squee!
I'll be paying closer attention in future chapters to my editing, and I'll be having a friend look over each one just to be sure.

Hm... I'm interested, but I have a bad feeling regarding the "sad" tag.

Wow, this is great so far. I love a good mystery! Keep going please!

This kinda reminds me of one of my own fics, heh. It'll be interesting to see where this goes.

"Um... sure thing, Sis..." The young filly continued to stare a the disheveled unicorn as Applejack plucked a Granny Smith from it's display, flipping it to be caught by Twilight's telekinetic field.

^ its display, no apostrophe. Looks fine otherwise.

I hope Rainbow isn't dead.

this has great promise, im looking forward to seeing it continue

Here's Chapter 3. Wow... these things just keep flowing. Made a few edits that were mentioned in the comments to the first chapter. Now where getting somewhere!

Nice update. The reactions of the Mane 6 to Twilight's disappearance seems mostly in character. Rarity seemed a little off to me, with the apparent ease at which she abandoned the others, but at the same time, I can kind of see it. Nicely done, overall. :twilightsmile:

"Your a good friend, Fluttershy."

"You're," not "Your."

Also, there were a couple times where you used the word "alter" (to change something) when it should have been "altar" (a table for rituals and other like events).

Best chapter so far, in my opinion :twilightsmile:
It's nice to see Pinkie that hasn't become violently mentally ill, like in other fanfics :pinkiecrazy:
I really liked the transition between imagined Twilight and real Twilight.

1097677
That, my dear pony, was the intent! :pinkiehappy:


So... many ... emotions... must not cry
:pinkiesad2:

Great chapter! I'm sooo happy Pinkie isn't too far gone like most other fics. I liked how Pinkie's mane poofed back up slowly and slowly. I just pictured it in my head while I was reading it.

Through this whole first part of this chapter, I was like :derpyderp1:, but in the good way. I want you to Pinkie Pie Promise the other chapters will be as good as this! Or you know what happens. :pinkiehappy::pinkiesmile::pinkiegasp::pinkiecrazy:

Wonderful chapter!

Aaaaaand Pinkie Pie!

:pinkiecrazy: -> :pinkiegasp: -> :pinkiesad2: -> :pinkiesmile: -> :pinkiehappy:

This is actually really good so far. Have a moustache. :moustache:

So Twilight is being used by what is likely the Nightmare as a sort of anti-Virgin Mary, and is going to give birth to Equestria's equivalent of the AntiChrist. Right? Because if that's the case, something tells me this is going to be one epic story.

That was fast sending messages when Spike is not around. At this rate Twilight is not going to get her medical check up. :twilightoops:

That was very nice, with imaginary Twilight transitioning into real Twilight. Nicely done :twilightsmile:


And next we meet Dash. That'll leave Rarity and Spike...

I'm not too impressed with this chapter, somehow I think it could be better. :rainbowderp: Still hammering away on Rarity and Spike, trying to decide if I want to do it in one chapter or two. Then, it's the Princesses and off to the races after the bad guy. :twilightsmile:

I imagine Spike running in, grabbing Twilight and never letting go, to the point where they have to pry him off with a crowbar. Great chapter though, very faithful to how Rainbow Dash would act (I think).

1109116 I'll agree that the chapter could have been written better, but it get's the message across. RD is a character who speaks more through action than words, so if you had made it longer the chapter would have been more dragged out just for the sake of word count.

Lets be Sherlock Holmes for a few minutes. Last thing that happen to Twilight was that she was captured by the ghost of Night Maremoon. A year later Twilight wakes up pregnant, while Night Maremoon needs a new body. Hmmm. Who could that baby by?

Wow. That beginning part of Twilight's little monologue was intense. Can't wait for Spike and Rarity! PS: I think the chapter should start with Rarity and end with Spike running in. That's how I picture it happening.

Twilight's little speech was overly dramatic, and I pictured this entire scene playing out like theatre.

My point is, they seemed more like actors in a play rather than characters in a story, living the scenario.

1109116

The main issue with this chapter is you are rushing through the reunions without a break, and things are getting to same-y. A sceen about Twilight's medical check up between meeting Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash would do a good job of it.

1111711
I agree with this guy. While I enjoy the story, it's getting a little repetitive. A change in the make-up of the chapters would increase interest and quality, methinks.

But other than that, nice chapter, keep up the solid work. :twilightsmile:

So what I'm getting from this, is that Nightmare moon pretty much raped Twilight, and now Twi is pregnant. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png

I bet you the baby is Nightmare Moon since she does need a new body after all.

Oh Celestia . . . this is shaping up to be epic.

I AM FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!:flutterrage: Edit: Damnit!

Damn. This kees getting better and better. I seriously can't wait for the next chapter.

I'm thinking that child is nightmare moons new host. After all, with twilight's raw power, the next generation is likely to be powerful. Almost certainly to be so if nightmare made modifications. She may already be possessing the child now just waiting to be born and then will use her magic to escape and rapidly mature it. That's just my theory, but it does sound good.

1156120 1156429
Hee Hee Hee! Now that is a secret! :twilightsmile:

1156467
Darn you, I can't tell if you're confirming or denying my idea. It's going to drive me nuts.

Twilight's taking the entire 'being pregnant' a bit too well actually. One would think she'd be more concerned that she somehow got pregnant during the year of her life that's missing, that she was probably in the thrall of Nightmare Moon for. Plus she seems genuinely concerned about the child, that's going to cause problems, and I'm wondering if it's some sort of compulsion.

Nice update. I liked that flashback. Nicely done. :twilightsmile:


One thing, though. You used the wrong form of "your" on multiple occasions. A simple Ctrl+F will find them all. Other than that, though, I found no major mistakes.

1156613 Corrected the ones I found. Thankie! :twilightsmile:

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