Instead of banishing Nightmare Moon, Celestia successfully separates Luna and the nightmare, and both then seal it in the moon, but the stain of both acts are too much for the Princesses and both perish, but not before giving the prophecy of their return. 1000 years later is a changed Equestria, a splintered government, no advanced school of magic, difficult weather patterns, and a looming threat from the Moon. Can the reborn Princesses be found in time? Is friendship still the best hope for a happy tomorrow? The more things change...
Chapters (2)
I like. Good JOB!
I wasn't sure about this, thinking this story was to be grimdark like hell, but the summary got me and I went ahead to read it. Damn good thing that I did. I have not seen a plot like this before, that in itself is a good thing, but to have one like this? Damn man I expect great things from this story. As this is the first chapter I will withhold judgement until later, but from what I have seen this is going to be great.
In the Name of Her Serene Majesty,
Celestia's Paladin: For Honor and Duty, For Sun and Moon
*Long, shuddering breath out, deep calming breath in* Do you know what I had to do to write this? I had to try to log in, realise My dad had turned the modem off so my wireless was off so I COULDN'T log in. So I had to decide whether to tiptoe through my darkned house or walk a kilometre or so to the nearest spot wit Wifi. I had to look for and realise I wad out of Shirts, So I COULDN'T walk to the nearest Wifispot. I had to Tip-toe through my darkened house, turn the modem on and run into Three walls, Jarring my Fractured toe quite badly in the process (The Pedants out there will note I Didn't HAVE to run into the walls, However, due to my poor night vision, run into the walls I did). I had to return to my bedroom, still in pitch blackness, run into another wall, then into my door and then get onto my Handheld gaming device (a.k.a. my Shitty Little Gamebox a.k.a. my only way to connect to the internet, given the only computer is in the room next to my parent's room AND is currently on the fritz) Then I had to attempt to log in. Then I had to attempt to log in. Then I had to attempt to log in. Then I had to attempt to log in again. and again. and again. and again. For about an hour and a half. Then I realised, silly me, I had to Aaaaalmost but not quite click the Log in button Twice, to lull it into a false sense of security, before caaarefully easing it down all the way. Then I had to look the other way for five minutes before sneaking through a link before it noticed I was getting away from the front page with my username on.
So, that over, I say this: You've been spelling "Mam" wrong. It's spelled Ma'am (or M'am if you're suffering a drastic A shortage) Ma'am is a contraction of Madam(e, if you're posh) whereas Mam is an endearment for one's Mother or Grandmother Other than that, No problems I can see. Tracked
Intriguing idea.
Slight error though.
...embraced one final time as the faded from the mortal coil.
Interesting concept. Tracking.
Do you need a proofreader?
Trackng, this seems good
235521 wat
ooh interesting, Celestia and Luna for lack of better word and specifics died, Twilight is a homeless fugitive more or less and everypony else is just there. Makes me wonder hought, Has Celestia already reincarnated and is princess again, if not who rules equestria? And could Twilights exception magic ability (to the point of blowing up her own house at age 8, Yikes,) Be any connection to Celestia soul? And does Nightmare Moon exist or did you mean she returned to Luna right before she died so she'll just be born again soon?
Confound these ponies they drive me to speculate and theorize!
I love it. But i will say that the description seems misleading. I wouldn't have clicked on it if it wasn't featured. Maybe you could work on that.
Still, I'm glad i did. Tracked!
235557
I think you mean a hoofreader.
I want to read and i will indulge myself this once
Tracked and... erm, thumbed up?
...Twilight, why do you keep saying "yes" and then my initials? I'm not in this story, and I am most certainly not Applejack, so I think you mean "ma'am" not "mam."
Not bad. I would definately want to read more.
So without Celestias intervention, Twilights spark killed her parents. Amazing how taking away one little piece of a puzzle can change the entire outcome.
Hmmm, I like this one. Tracking. Could use proofreading but that's about it. Good job sir.
235587 actually i think twilight sparkle is atleast in this story a reincarnation of luna based on the vibe i got when she started contemplating on how the stars were in the wrong place. atleast thats what i'm getting sofar i wonder who would be celestias reincarnation?
either way following.
nice.
236409
wow a fusion of twilight and Luna? God if that is true this fic has combined my two favorite ponies into one mass!
And if not we still get an interesting plot so either way winning!
Interesting. Very interesting.
wow, this is certainly an original and very interesting concept here. Wonderful start on the first chapter, though I think this needs a proofreader badly :/.
Tracked and eagerly awaiting the next update :D
Have a good one.
i like
looking forward to where this story is going
that is all
kthanxbai
This should be most interesting! Though you may want to find a pre-reader/editor, as there were errors scattered here and there. Still, unique enough fic for me to look past and track!
~ Moonstone, Minstrel of Equestria
Definitely Tracking
236409 I get the feeling she might be both. Just in that Twilight is the meeting of day and night, and I'm guessing the fact that she killed her parents instead of turning them into plants like in the show is just to show how much more powerful than even the show's Twilight is. I noticed the Sonic Rainboom still happened, so I'm wondering if Twilight is the only real difference, if everyone of the others are there in Ponyville or not.
I like it
, I hope to see more.
Yeah, I'm liking this so far. It seems obvious Twilight is "she who is the dawn and dusk", but the "she who sparkles in the noonday sun" could be referring to Twilight Sparkle too... is she suppose to be both of them? I thought at first that maybe the prophecy just meant Twilight would be the one to FIND the sisters' reincarnations, but that bit at the end about knowing the stars were wrong, and not knowing how she knows, really implies that she IS a reincarnation, of Luna at least.
Great start amazingly original idea! The summary had me suspecting something entirely different but this is quite different. Though poor Twilight, just how old is she at this point?
Lets see where this goes, and if it will turn out unique and fun to read, or if it will fail and never update and end up unfinished.
hopefully the poor author plannes on continuing, this is actually a good story.
I like it
I give you five out of five staches
Now what's the ETA for chap 2?
Hello Spike.
New chapter
Oh sweet Celestia, that cliffhanger
New Chapter!
WOO. UPDATED!!!
Keep it going, this is an interesting story.
Yes, a new chapter!.
I feel so bad for the Twilight of this story. 
Also, if its possible, please update it more. The time between chapters 1 and 2 was too long. If.you cant, dont sweat it.
inb4 Spike.
3 words:
I .......... AM ............. HOOKED!!
It was still a beautiful day ouApplejack won't mind if I take the longer way back.'t and she wanted to enjoy it before the sun set for the day.
'Besides,' she thought 'Applejack won't mind if I take the longer way back.'
Bit of a typo in the middle of that sentance up there, otherwise a good chapter
It was still a beautiful day ouApplejack won't mind if I take the longer way back.'t and she wanted to enjoy it before the sun set for the day.
'Besides,' she thought 'Applejack won't mind if I take the longer way back.'
^Found a frankenstein'd section^
That aside, this chapter was great. Introduced Twilight to Pinkie and Rainbow, roused some suspicion from Applejack, and put Twilight in danger as a cliffhanger. I'd be lying if I said I'm not hoping for a bit more 'meat' in the next chapter, though.
Got to be Spike, but if she wasn't the one to hatch him, or maybe she did like last time and he never got his size changed back. But if she didn't, then maybe he hatched on his own outside of the school earlier than normal, and he's grown. Either way, I think he's going to be bigger than he is in the show.
296865 i would love but, reality sucks, i had this all planned out two weeks ago but couldn't find the time to type it out till today
296941 there fix it
296991 there is no advanced magic school so spike's origin is pretty different which i'll get into next chapter
297025 Right, that's what I was figuring. With no magic school to hold onto his egg (and the popular theory that it hadn't hatched already because it had been treated to not do so by magic) his circumstances would be completely different. Can't wait to see what you do with it.
Hmmm... I forgot what this story was about, but an e-mail alert means I liked it at one point! Re-read chapter one, read chapter two. Ah, time is relative it would seem. I liked it at one point, but this point as well... Is there even really "points" in time? Hm...
Ramblings aside, the premise is great, unique as far as I can tell, and your execution is good so far. Pacing is spot-on -- so far -- and the content is the perfect pre-plot-heavy-intro-buffer. The only problem is the occasional misspelling or grammar issue... Which will be detailed in a later comment. Prepare your English.
Underline is a change
Underlined italics is a removal
I had notes explaining my changes, but because V and W are next to each other on my keyboard and I'm typing in the dark, I accidentally hit ctrl-W, which closes the current tab. Lost all the work I had done. Angry. Was almost 3/4 done... Sorry, but no notes xD
of her mouth: it had been a very tiring week.
up with her, so Applejack had given her the day off... sort of.
Instead, she was mareing (Lol...) the apple cart
after 4 PM (Removed "now"), and the Fall sun
It had been rather awkward at first. The townsfolk kept giving her odd stares as she and Applejack set up the stall, and
Now there was only one hour left until closing time.
She still had about 30 bits to save before she could order the winter gear she needed, and even then it could take awhile to finally be made. At the rate it was going so far, it might not arrive before winter did.
I'm surprised they hired me on as it is!'
The only other ponies out there were the other stall workers (removed comma, comma splice) and even they were closing up early. Twilight resisted the urge to do so as well. She might be a loner and a wanderer, but she took pride in always doing the jobs she got correctly: (colon in place of the period) it was the only thing she felt she could take pride in.
She was now the only pony in the square, standing a silent vigil at the stall. She glanced at the
Twilight jumped, startled at the noise, before she looked at the bright pink pony in front of her... the pony that was totally not there not even two seconds ago. Twilight quickly glanced around the square again to confirm that it was empty and she wasn't just going crazy before she turned back to the pony in front of her.
Twilight put on a big nervous smile, not entirely sure if the pony before her was real, or she had finally gone mad.
Twilight had been slowly backing away from the overly enthusiastic pink monstrosity through the whole speech, but Pinkie stayed with her the whole time. She ended up backed into a wall and cornered.
“O-oh um, m-my name is Tw-twilight Sparkle, u-um... hi?
This seemed to be the right, or wrong, depending on how you look at it, thing to say as the pink mare got a wild glint
and maybe sugar in there multiple times... at least she thought she did.
Twilight back ran to the stall, kicked the wheel jack, slipped into the harness and ran as fast as she could go.
Pinkie watched as Twilight fled, sadly wondering what went wrong as she mentally went over her meet-a new-pony-make-a-new-friend check list before giving out a loud gasp: (colon) she had forgotten the break out into a random song part! How could she forget that, it was her favorite!
---VVV---
After one last look to make sure Pinkie hadn't chased after her (removed comma, comma splice) she let out a sigh of relief. It was still a beautiful day out and she wanted to enjoy it before the sun set. (Removed "for the day")
---VVV---
“Ya wanna throw Twi a welcome party?” Applejack quirked an eyebrow at her giddy pink companion. “Ya do realize she's been here for 'bout two an a half week now, right sugarcube?”
“Well I can't rightly say,” Applejack tapped a hoof to her chin thoughtfully. “She told me that she's been stay a somepony's house in Ponyville, but won't say who.”
that she's stronger than most unicorns, an that she always finishes what she starts. Oh an that she doesn't use 'er magic. Ever.”
An she hasn't used any magic at all any time she's been here. Never told her not to or nothin, wouldn't mind at all if she did.”
but I didn't see anything... What if she was attacked by ninjas?!”
“No worries about that! We just need to clear an area in the barn real quick so we can set it up
“Well if we're gonna do this lets get started.” Applejack pushed open the barn door and walked inside followed by a bouncing Pinkie Pie... Followed not a minute later by a rainbow streak, which was then followed followed by a muffled crash.
---VVV---
Twilight stopped just as she was about to push open the barn door.
Carefully, she nudged the door open a crack and peered through. There was Applejack setting up an old record player, that Pinkie Pie was there too, along with a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane setting up decorations in the spaces available.
With a silent “goodnight” she started off toward her cave lodgings.
Surprised, Twilight jumped slightly and looked back to see the blue pegasus from before hovering lightly at the open door to the barn, the light spilling out onto the ground below.
“As nice as the Apple family is they wouldn't just throw a party for no reason, and I don't even know you or the pink one. How could it possibly be for me?”
The blue mare landed on the ground and walk a few steps towards Twilight.
Twilight just stood there, dumbfounded, her thoughts in complete disarray.
'I... I have to stay strong. I'll be leaving all too soon, getting attached will just make it painful (removed an extra "for") for everyone...
And with that, she was gone, bolting down the road into the night.
“...what...?” Pinkie's voice came out softly. She came down onto all fours from where she was hanging some confetti, her mane seeming to loose some of its puffiness.
---VVV---
Twilight had calmed down by the time she reached her cave, convinced that she had made the right choice. For once she was glad she didn't have work for the next two days, tomorrow being the day of the week they always had off, and the that leaf run or whatever: it would be a nice little buffer to this fiasco.
I mean no offense, but I just wanted to point those out. We can always get better :D
fantastic
to be honest i kind of forgot this existed till now...
oh well second chapter didn't dissappoint, meet RBD aand pinkie, Twi runes away because she's afraid her secret will get out
(can't wait to see how they react to that nugget) and spike.
If you can fnd the time please update this quickly.
I put this on my track list but I didn't read it until I saw a second chapter had been posted... to be honest for a while I had wondered if the story had been abandoned.
You have a really interesting premise and story so far. The technical writing side has a few errors which others have already pointed out.
Keep writing them and I will keep reading them. So far, this has my attention piqued.
some errors here and there, but good all the same
keep em coming friend
that is all
kthanxbai