Greetings from Venezuela, I don't expect to do much here, I just got a few stories in my head and wanted write them here, I hope you like them. I take Commissions and can get Ko-Fi donations.
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This story was made after trying to wonder how a contact between planet Earth and Equestria would affect both sides and, on the case of Christianity, how would certain species within Equestria would be affected after getting to know The Bible.
Set before King Thorax came to power.
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Huh...Neat.
just, what?
Wow! I'm from the States, and I've heard of and read stories about stuff like this happening to Christians in other countries, living on the run, always having to watch out for the authorities, depending on the kindness of others. It's amazing. Also, you really captured what religious persecution is like very well.
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I don’t really intend to read the story, but I’d bet at least half the dislikes are from people who get triggered by the mere thought of the C word.
9692415
What an obscenely inappropiate thing to post in an E for everyone story. Me thinks a bit of bias is at play here
You know I'm surprised this story isn't longer.
I think it would have been better if it was a preThorax changeling becoming a Jehovah's witness. He just goes door to door asking if "they have heard the good word and mind sparing some love?"
9692360
Thanks.
9692386
Thank you very much. I'm glad to have done correctly that.
9692404
I also think that as well.
9692447
I usually make a one shot of any story going through my mind and later see if I can expand on it (like I did with "The Redemption of a Never Ending Ambition" and "My Little Game: Friendship is Glitching" while "Applebloom in The Plains" and "The Andean Unicorn" are cases where any future story may be written on the future) so, who knows? I may expand on this on some years.
9692463
Since you made me chuckle, I'll give you a like.
The title is perfect and should never change...
Seriously its the funniest thing i've seen all day.
9692404
(while I am directing this toward you, this also to the writer, and others who think the same as yourself)
I sincerely doubt there are people who "get triggered" by the mere mention of Christianity. Are there people who likely downvoted on this because it's a Christian fic? Yes. However, such things are not in a vacuum. Normally it's because of all the issues that come with such a thing. How a story like those, like this, don't really explain how or why some creature would come to believe such a thing, or how they would integrate their world and views with the beliefs of the religion. That doesn't even touch on how they would come to terms with the idea of Christ and his actions, when it in no way, shape, or form, has any affect on them.
I mean we are talking about a world where a mare controls the sun, pegasi control the weather, and one particular pegasus can create a rainbow just by flying. In this particular case, why would a race of emotion eating shapeshifters have any sort of interest in a story about humans which have nothing that they can relate to?
This one at least avoids the idea of having the princesses being the ones who are doing the persecuting of this belief, making them look narrow-minded or tyrannical.
That said, there are plenty of other issues with the story, which you could see if you read it, instead of just passing judgement on those bothered to vote.
it's an extremely slow moving story, taking multiple paragraphs of description before even getting to anything. Not even of the changeling mentioned in the title either. Said changeling is actually more of a supporting character. Key to the story, yes, but not the main focus on it. Once it does get to the part where the characters meet, very little happens. It's all exposition. The two of them standing around and talking. Most of which is essentially Photo Lens filling in the backstory for the whole thing. Even ignoring the grammatical errors, much of the dialogue is stiff and unrealistic. It shows none of the character's personality, and is only there to share said exposition.
Admittedly, some of that stiffness also goes into the writing itself, such as when the author is discussing the wardrobe.
Then it's not really tagged properly. The Alternate Universe tag fits, I'll grant, since it's an Equestria where rifts randomly started to appear between realities. However, The human tagged is used, but none actually show up. They are more a background detail, and part of the exposition of how a bible managed to get to Equestria. The Dark tag does not really fit, either. Some of the concepts in said tag are mentioned, but in a single paragraph which is about Chrysalis. They aren't a large focus or explored. 'They're mentioned. That does not make it a theme.
The Drama tag sort of fits, because conceptually, it is a serious life-affecting problem. We are talking about a changeling that is rejecting its past life and entire belief system to embrace a new and different one, which would upset its leader, Chrysalis. BUT we never really get to explore those emotions or how it affects them over all. This goes back to it being exposition heavy and the two characters just standing and talking. We never really get to see Styx's emotions or their struggles. What all they have had to do to try and survive as well as keep their new belief system and try to share it. We're only told in a small number of paragraphs. With a character that doesn't even feel like the main focus of the story.
Really, it reads more toward a slice of life story, where the focal character has a guest and gives them a copy of a rare book.
The removal of said book is not even out of any sort of malice or hate. It's simply because they princesses want to learn about the humans' culture and see what all they have before allowing it to be shared with the pony public. In theory, The Bible could just as easily be replaced by a cook book, or H. G. Wells's The War of The World. They also likely would have been collected and returned to Earth at this point.
So yes, while it being of a religious aspect may have increased the negativity toward it, it was not the only reason, and more importantly, was likely not just blind hate on it being religious. It has an idea that could be interesting, but between the execution and the tagging, it ends up being quite disappointing.
9692720
None of the technical stuff I can comment on because I haven’t read it. Just saying it wouldn’t be surprising if some of the negativity stems from blatant bias against religion.
9692720
Alright, while, yes, you have good points, there are certain issues I would like to discuss regarding the justification of so many dislikes with no explanation (you are the first one to have given some kind of criticism and, for the first few hours, the story had zero views but 4 dislikes) where there are some things that I would like to address:
I would personally like to explain that but this is a one-shot, not a long story, so unless you want more exposition there is no way for me to address this without making it too long or boring to read and if you know a story that pulled this one out, I would like to know which one did it so I can learn from it.
Again, this isn't something that can be explained in a short one shot but to say that the idea of Christ doesn't fit into Equestria is also wrong. Just putting aside the fact of Christ ordering to preach his word to all nations (and that word can be defined in many ways) in every language, when Jesus died on the cross, he did it for everyone, no exception, so their sins could be forgiven. This is important for any species that feels guilty of committing something horrible and is searching for a way to be forgiven and, I'm certain, they would find the idea of a loving god to accept them (and that love them the way they were born) as much better than to follow a queen that treats them like garbage and threatens them if they even try to doubt her.
There is a reason why one of (if not the) most important part of Christ's life is the one of 'he died for your sins'. I know the premise may sound too far fetched but, after studying the process of being a missionary, it isn't impossible. In fact, nothing on the Bible conflicts with Equestria.
My apologies but I am a fan of taking my time to develop a story, even if it's a short story. With that said, this is a lie, much of the stuff I described on the story was made to show, not tell, like how the changeling and Photo Lens first use code phrases to ensure who they are or how Photo Lens (which I described, but not said blatantly, that he has Photographic Memory) always is moving by looking around him to see if there is any change whatsoever that he should be careful or how the changeling was applauded for not pretending anymore to be actual ponies (since lying is a sin) or how I give a very subtle thing of the US 2016 elections happening where the story is being set, among much more. Just because I take my time to write this kind of stuff slowly and as subtle as I can doesn't mean that it's not getting anywhere.
Just because the story is called "What if a Changeling Became a Christian?" doesn't mean that the main character should be the changeling. The story is to show how said life would be and I decided to show it from the perspective of a pony who doesn't have to worry of direct persecution but still wants to help those who share the same faith as him.
I don't know what do you think happens when two fellow Christians, who haven't seen each other for a while, meet but this conversation is very close to how it happens to me. It's more to discuss about how are the others or the persecuted asking for details that are relevant to him (what I wrote may be exposition but it's also the information the changeling needs to see if he can run away to another world or if he'll have to remain trapped near Chrysalis's presence for a longer time) or, in other words, I decided to make this exposition organic.
Alright, I would like to know where are the grammatical errors so I could fix them. That aside, just because you see it as unrealistic doesn't mean that it isn't. Again, this is more or less how this kind of conversations would go (and I am talking from personal experience)
Again, I prefer to show, not tell.
To be honest, I was debating myself regarding that tag but, having to choose between putting it and not putting it, I chose to put it because just because they don't appear doesn't mean that the tag shouldn't be there. After all, I am adding into here how the humans influenced Equestria during the brief time they were allowed to freely roam the kingdom, which isn't very different from those HiE fics where there are no humans left and all the equestrians can find are buildings or remnants of them.
Debatable, I prefer to put it because I have content that some would consider dark (such as the idea of persecution and the background I am developing for the story to be as organic as I can make it) than to have no tag at all. Tl;Dr: Better safe than sorry.
Alright, I'll give this one the benefit that I could have given that part of the dialogue more time. With that said, unless you wanted more exposition, I doubt I can pull that out in a one shot.
The story wouldn't have happened if it weren't The Bible.
This argument would hold water if you weren't the only one actually explaining what were the problems you found with my story or your complains weren't aimed at problems that (long story short) sounds more that the way the story was made isn't what you like or if it weren't you justifying the dislikes when there are much worse stories (both grammatically written as well as executed that aren't crack fics) that doesn't get this kind of negativity.
I usually tend to not respond to criticism (BTW, thank you for it) but I had to do it when this one seemed to be criticizing it for not fitting into what you like (as well as being a justification for negativity) rather than aimed for the author to improve on its writing.
9692851
I'm not going to respond to all of this. So bullet points.
Like I said, I'm not saying that the religious aspect is not a factor, but I am saying there are other issues.
And no, you don't need to add "more exposition" and make it longer to improve the story. You need to largely remove things not immediately relevant and give the story more focus. A single paragraph about multi-dimensional rifts, and how human materials such as a bible slipped through, would be sufficient. You could have spent the first (again) six paragraphs focusing on Styx instead of Photo Lens, talking about the fear and paranoia he felt as he made his way there. Of being recognized as a changeling. Of getting caught. Of getting punished for his leaving the hive and finding religion. Then we could get the relief he feels on reaching a place of sanctuary, or his excitement at being given a new copy of the bible. It also means you could have touched on the reason this specific religion appealed to him.
Like I originally said, while some may have been due to religious tones, I doubt it is the majority. Could I be wrong? Yes. However, it does not invalidate my points.
You worry too much, my brother.
For our sake, He told us in advance of the world's response, do not forget!
Overall, I think it was lacking in overall narrative, although it did not feel that was the focus either.
A slice of hard true-to-life, in a sense.
I did notice that there are many nuances to miss for those that have not studied at all.
Hey, um, so I'm part of a different Christian group here on FIMfiction. Would it be alright if I added your story to our story folder?
9692953
I would like to know what is the problem with that.
Fair enough, even if I do not agree with this, but I'll remind you that this is a world were enemies bent on destroying Equestria reforms and becomes super friends with the protagonist faster than sonic and our suspension of disbelief has been stretched more than once.
That may be later. Much later.
I do not agree but, I suppose, it's just a matter of perspective.
For that, the story would have to be called "Why would a changeling become a Christian?" instead of "What if?". Different subject and different issues. I chose to answer the "What if" because it would be easier to answer (and that's not even counting that this is set before Thorax came to power, which would rise a new set of questions) and I wouldn't see myself forced to do another long fic (I already have too many to finish and I don't want to add another one yet, maybe after I finish some of them) and yes, I would personally like to explore the overall story on a much deeper way (there's a reason I wrote the backstory) but I do not have the time to do so.
9692996
Sure, feel free to do so.
9693440
This is going to be my last post on this whole thing.
Yes. Reading through some of your other works, it is something you do in them.
A common exercise is to try reading the line out loud. You're either going to pause in places naturally, because of how people speak, or you're going to struggle reading it without stopping to take a breath. Because while that is not their sole purpose, that is a part of it.
That's the only one where I'll quote directly.
Yes, this is a world where antagonists have been reformed and become allies quickly. However, a part of that is due to time limits and the media. This is also a world with it's own rules: a near-immortal being raises the sun; another is able to walk through dreams; pegasi are able to create and control and world; magic is very much real, and it is powered by emotions and bonds between creatures. While it would be easy to believe that a great divine being had created it, there's no reason to buy that it is the same one as the human one.
Also, taking this and going back to an older post you made: Celestia is seen and worshiped as a living deity, which means that they would be guilty of idolatry (the "No Other Gods" from the Ten Commandments), and again, they use magic, which makes them guilty of witchcraft.
As for your comment about "Why a Changeling would be come a Christian" instead of "What if," there's one thing: you don't really answer or explore it. Because, as I said, you don't focus on the changeling. You spend more time talking about and describing Photo Lens than you do Styx, making the pony the character we're familiar with and feel we're supposed to relate to. It also goes back to the exposition. You spend as much time (if not more), discussing other matters as you do on the changeling's life since converting. You talk about the rifts, the human world, contact with said humans, and Equestria politics.
That's what I mean by having it be the main focus. The concept of the story, the character in the title, should get a majority of the attention. If not as the main character, then as the driving force. Neither happens. As such, the title argument does not work because the title does not fit as it stands. This could just as easily have been called "what if rifts came to Equestria" and be accurate, or "what if a pony made a Bible," which is more accurate since it is a major part of the story, and actually gets some focus.
On a sidenote: while you likely will not really agree with me, this is not really a "backstory." Usually, a backstory tells the story that gives the background to a character. Events in their lives that led them to where they currently were. Such as the "why" you very much said you were not willing to explore.
With that, I end this, and the whole thing. I wish you luck with whatever you write next, but hope you make an effort to improve your skills.
9695576
Don't worry, I just want to clarify something:
No. The Bible sees witchcraft as a sin because it's nature doesn't come from God. Equestria, meanwhile, has creatures who are born with magic which means that it can be argued that God created them with the ability to use magic.
In the end, the only sin that the equestrians have committed is idolatry, which is one that Celestia herself doesn't like.
Perhaps it doesn't look like it to the outsider's perspective but, as far I'm aware, the Christians that has read the story seems to have the question answered. Perhaps this is more of the story not being written how you want it to be written (grammar aside, among other issues) than the answer not being delivered.
Regardless, thanks for the explanation of the run in sentences. I'll look into it as I edit another one of my stories.
...
You know what...
Fine.
I don't care.
Believe whatever you want.
Ah, you're back.
Good to see another short story. Hopefully everything is well with you and your world is calming down a bit. I found this to be a nice little slice of life/one off, not very deep, but as you said it would have to be longer to do that. I see from the comments others would have preferred a multi chapter story. Oh well, you can't please all the people all the time, as Aesop once put it. Anyway take care and God Bless! 
9696401
Sorry for taking so long to answer but, I considered, that it would be better to make a blog post regarding how things in my house has fared.
9695938
someone is salty...
9695938
I am already believing what i want who the heck are you to judge about it? i read you other comments on this story. this story is not a missionary he does not have to provide any proof or anything. You picked the wrong story to go full Anti-crusade mode m8. Yeah love and tolerance my bottom hypocritical fandom and show...
The story was good. Although some times confusing you could expand a little in the explanations but it is a one shot.
dont mind the dislikes cause the story is not bad the religious aspect is what triggers those hypocrites love , friendship and tolerance my A$$
10566390
Thanks. I have thought the explanation of how things have developed the way they are but, considering all the stories I have to write, IDK when I would come back to this story, which is why this One-Shot exist, to remember it for a future story.
I really enjoyed this story a lot as I loved the story plot and I think you did an excellent job writing this story. Anyways God bless you.