No, Seriously! She's lost it!
Twilight yawned as she blinked her sleepy eyes open, the harsh light of the morning sun peeking through the blinds and gently coaxed her awake. She struggled to remember the last time she had slept this well as she stretched her hooves and wings out, limbering up and letting out a yawn.
She rolled over to turn off her clock, being greeted by two pink eyes and a large white muzzle. "Good Morning, Twilight!"
All color drained from her face. "P-Princess?! What are you doing in my bed?!"
Celestia grabbed the smaller alicorn's shoulders, almost as if she was a father talking to his son. "A situation has developed, Twilight. There's no time to explain, grab my horn!"
Twilight tentatively wrapped a hoof around her mentor's horn, still not quite sure of what was taking place inside her bedroom.
"Oh yes, stroke it little filly."
Twilight reeled back, though her hoof was stuck to Celestia's horn. "Wait... WHA-" She didn't get to finish her sentence before she felt the familiar sensation of being crushed down and squeezed out of a tube of toothpaste.
Shaking the dizziness away, she opened her eyes and found herself in a great astral expanse. The same place that Celestia brought her to during her ascension! Only... Things were different.
There were large bags piled high as far as the eye could see, with each sack being labeled in some ancient, forgotten language. Glorious, gargantuan marbles dotted the landscape, rotund and round with deeply complex colors and patterns imprinted in their manufacture. And in the center of the room, there sat a large golden podium, ethereal sunlight being cast upon it in an eternal ray. What confused Twilight however, was that the podium lie empty. No marble, no haversack rest upon it. Not even the slightest coating of dust.
She felt her mentor rest a wing on her back, Celestia's nearly silent sobs tickling her ears. "They took them, Twilight..."
Twilight pursed her lips, before responding with great trepidation. "T-Took who?"
Celestia glared down at her student with indignation. "Not who... What! And that what is my prized marble collection!"
The now very confused alicorn gave her mentor a look. The sort of look you would give to somepony who thought it'd be a good idea to give Pinkie Pie some Fun Dip... They never did get poor Pip into therapy after the accident. "Wut?"
"Hmph. I can't believe you know so little of me, Twilight! I'm hurt!" Celestia strutted over to the podium and looked at it longingly. "My beloved marbles were the finest in all of Equus. They carried great magical power within them, infact, they carried so much power within them that should they be destroyed, the blast would be larger than that of Neighgasaki! And now, they've been stolen away, for who knows what nefarious purposes!"
Twilight sighed, resting her head in her hooves, "and I'm sure that you don't know who took them, and we'll have to go on another inane quest to find the--" She was quickly cut off by her mentor shoving a hoof into her mouth, the taste of jelly marbles replacing fresh air.
"Nope! It was Chryssybitch! So we're going to go find her," she took her hoof out of her students mouth, "retrieve my marbles, and kick her shit in before she can wrap us up in her freaky fun tentacles!"
Twilight swallowed the gummies before speaking. "Gulp Freaky… fun tentacles? And why did you need me for this? At seven in the morning?! ON A BUCKING WEEKEND?!"
All she received in reply was her mentor's sunny disposition and a shit-eating grin. "Who else would follow me on incredibly stupid and irresponsible tasks without question?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the Thoraxian Hive
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thorax and Pharynx lay resting on the softest bean bag chairs changeling prostitution could buy, the room around them filled with a thick haze of smoke and air freshener. A knock resounded from the door.
Pharynx lazily lifted his head up. "Ah shit bro, we've got a visitor. Cough Could you get that door bruh?"
His brother giggled, his eyes red and bloodshot. "Naaaaaah bro, I just got buzzed and this shit is tight. Remind me to thank Glim Glam for getting us this good kush dude."
Pharynx shrugged. "A'ight bro, looks like I need to get my ass up then, pass the Febreezies will you?"
A can of air freshener hit his head a second after he said it, puncturing on his horn and leaking out the small fairy creatures for which it was named. He opened the door, being greeted by a frowning purple alicorn and a... "Why's there a white giraffe here," he said, looking back towards Thorax. "Bro, did Glimmy lace our bro?"
"Nah bro, she's gucci."
Twilight huffed, facehoofing. "Are you two high again?!"
"Buck yea!"
"Hay yes!"
She looked back up to Celestia, who was currently resting her chin on the doorframe. "Are you sure we need these two stoners to find Chrysalis? I can feel myself losing brain cells every second we're here," she said, pointing to the center of the hive, where a large congregation of changelings sat, engaged in an intense game of duck-duck-goose.
The mare of large flanks smiled upon her naive student. "Of course! They're crucial to the divination ritual! Without them, my precious marbles will be lost forever!"
Twilight took a drink from her coffee cup, before bringing out a bottle of scotch from her mane and pouring it into her mug. "I am way too sober to be dealing with you all."
Thorax rolled onto his back and looked at her. "Like, woah dude. You're upside down. Like, how are you doing that, and why are you even here anyways?" His eyes suddenly widened. "You with the feds?!"
She gave him a blank stare. "Yes. And we've come to request your assistance in locating your former queen, or we’ll be confiscating your… green stuff." She gestured to the bag of kush.
The brothers looked at her, before looking at each other. "You thinking what I'm thinking bro?"
"Totally bro."
Pharynx suddenly snapped into a salute, and would have looked like a proper soldier if he wasn't higher than Starlight's kite. "We will help you find her, but in return we demand free Big-MacDonalds for a year!"
Twilight frowned. "Half a year."
Pharynx snorted at her. "Six months."
“That’s the same--” Twilight stopped herself, groaning and rubbed her temples with her hooves. "Fine then, deal. Six months of-" She groaned as she said the word aloud. "Munchies."
The two siblings high fived, before waving Twilight over to a TV in the corner of the room. "And what, pray tell... Is this?"
Thorax giggled, hanging upside down on Celestia's long neck. "We totally shot a tracking chip into her butt, snrrk, when she tried taking over Equestria for like, the bajillionth time."
Twilight spoke up. "She only tried it twice."
"Nuh-huh"
"Yes-huh!"
"NUH-UH!"
"YES SHE DID, YOU BUCKING DEGENERATE!"
The screen powered on, displaying a map of Equestria, and there was a large blinking dot centered on the western edge of the map.
Celestia glared at the screen with grim determination. "Ladies and gentlecolts, we've got her."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inside some nondescript bar located in Fillydelphia
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Off in a shady corner, sat in a booth out of sight, was a cheese-legged mare. She could feel herself practically drooling at her most recent acquisition. That weird ceiling pony with the lopsided eyes wasn't lying! This was it! The solar hag's hidden secret! The artifact that would finally allow her to exact her revenge upon those stupid, mangy ponies!
She quickly tore open the bag with reckless abandon, her eyes widening as a multi-hued glow was cast upon her face, reflecting in her eyes. And she gave the only reaction that could be expected of her.
"What the hay is this?!"
Four colored, glowing marbles sat on the table in front of her. Each corresponding to the colors of Celestia's mane. Chrysalis quickly floated the bag back to her face, scrunching her nose at the label.
~SoOpEr SeCrEt ShAmPoO~
She growled, tossing the torn up cloth over her shoulders and angrily took a bite of her burger. She laid her head on the table, closing her eyes and taking a few deep breaths. "Welp, it's over now, Chrysalis. May as well abandon all hope of showing Sunbutt that you're better than her. You're never getting your hive back... I'm doooooooomed!"
Suddenly, the wall next to her exploded, revealing two silhouettes in the dust. "Who are you ponies?!"
Twilight trotted into the bar, chugging a handle of jack. She looked at Chrysalis and swiped the marbles off of the table with her magic. "BUUUUUUUUUUURP Sup. Listen, if you could just like... totally not, that'd be great."
The buggy queen snarled at her. "Those are my marbles! MINE!" She teleported the marbles back to her, eating them.
Everypony looked at each other for a moment, before a gasp drew their attention to Celestia. She had lost her hair! A shrill gasp of terror revealed the Changeling Queen's folly. She was wrapped from head to hoof in bright, colorful mane!
Celestia grinned in triumph. "Huzzah! A rather hair raising victory if I do say so myself!"
Chrysalis growled, fighting against her pastel restraints. "Damn you, Celestia! Eventually I will have my revenge, and you will rue the day!"
Celestia giggled. "No you won't! I'll always triumph!"
Cheese-legs snorted. "And why is that?"
The Princess of The Sun looked down at her, smiling at her foe. "Because I'm the bucking mane character, bitch!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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- Salty Alty · 1.1k words · 24 3 · 754 views
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my reaction
9613417
Glad to hear I got a chuckle out of you!
Loved this, it was like an MLP take on 'Rick and Morty' and I would read the shit out of more of this.
9613497
Just you wait for the next installment in the "Batshit Celestia" series!
man I need to know what you're taking for creativity.
9613800
Caffeine, music, and Pinkie Pie's special recipe!
So we got stoners, a drunk, a princess that has lost her marbles both figuratively and litterally, and a vengeful changeling queen... now this is my type of story
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9613817
Oh, ive tried pinkie's special recipie before... let's just say there is a reason im not allowed anywhere near the dragon lands anymore
9613998
Just you wait for the next one!
Now that was a stupid story!
Giving it a thumbs up just because it's so stupid.
9614010
Oh, i will
That stoner scene... all I heard in my head was both Thorax and Pharynx speaking w/ DWK's voice!
I don't know how to feel.....
9614016
Glad I could give you your daily allowance of stupid pone shenanigans!
9614139
Now that's hilarious.
9614162
Shhhh. Embrace the marbles.
10/the ten. Would definitely recommend to anyone XD
Seriously this has just the right consistency of trash/gold humor to keep me grinning whilst scrolling eagerly.
9614205
The stoner scene... ah the memories! Good times!!
9614737
That's exactly what I was aiming for!
9614795
Good times indeed.
DWK... Is that you you magnificent bastard?
9615238
Don't you worry, you'll be seeing more of this soon!
This was amazingly funny
9635291
I've got another one of its kind coming out soon!
I have no idea what to say about this.
9643556
Shhh, no words need to be said. I may or may not have been on drugs when I wrote it.
9644279
Absolutely BOOTIFUL! I love Thorax and Pharnyx being high.
I have no words.
Excellent job.
Also, how can bug-ponies get high—
9998552
Magic weed, I ain't gotta explain shit!
9998693
O h. I s e e
9998702
Listen man, this ain't your normal every day Kush. This is magical Everfree Kush straight from Zecora.
9998706
O h
... okay then! Welp, I found myself enjoying this far too much... no regrets.
This is the ideal example of a phrase everybody subconsciously thinks, but never actually acknowledges.
9998832
I wonder if Chrysalis tastes like cheese? Or perhaps she would like cheesey jokes?
9999445
Oh, this is what we need a story about...
9999492
welp, there's my story to kick off the new year!