- Member Since 23rd Dec, 2014
- offline last seen 34 minutes ago
NotaPonyPerson
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NotaPonyPerson
Joined 23rd Dec, 2014 ·
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This was a really enjoyable read. You presented something that could've been rendered as a simple comedy/spoof piece, and made something not only erotic, but entirely wholesome. The use of the first person perspective didn't even take away from the effect of your writing. I think you have a really terrific piece here, one to be proud of! Kudos!
9964681
Thank you so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed it as I looove your stories, dude
9964689
Thank you! I'll be hoping to post some stories in December, once I'm done with NaNoWriMo. Only two more days to go!
Looking forward to reading this when I have time, take my like for now!
did you mean "definitely"?
9965022
I definitely meant definitely.
I don't want to sound overly critical, but the first half of the chapter is such a massive exposition dump, it feels a bit rushed.
Furthermore there is a certain dissonance in the language used. I don't think anyone who didn't grow up in Jane Austen's last bunker would refer to any part of ther anatomy as a bosom. Just a thought.
9966352
Yeah, I can see that. It's mostly to establish the reader before going into the more juicer stuff. I have been sitting on this for a good while trying to figure things out.
I think you need to add in to the warning spoiler Big Tittied Goth Pony/Mare/GF
Mm, this was a little bit more enjoyable than the male version.
The amount of grammer errors in the story is insane. Along with the mixture of past and present perspectives from the "reader" makes it both slightly cringey and hard to read. Although the story is decent and I honestly laughed alot while reading every single error, it could definitely use a touch up or re-write. Dont get me wrong, it's a decent story which I mostly enjoyed, theres still room for improvement. I wish you the best of luck in any future works you come up with.
~TheManliestMustache~
9966944
I do my best to proof read and avoid using the same words over and over in a single sentence or paragraph, but its obvious my eyes aren't enough. My stories definitely would benefit more with another's eye.
9967234
Dude, don't sweat it. Try Grammarly, it helps a lot.
I don't think you know how semicolons work.
9967341
I mean, I'm glad I'm getting called out in that I need to rewrite or correct these errors, but it's getting pretty disheartening that only a few comments are about the actual story. Ah well, things I can work through in the next story!
Grammar really isn't my forte, is it?
9967350
ok well in that case
This story's writing... sorta makes a pretty yucky first impression. One sentence in, I'm already raising an eyebrow:
Because you've said "right girl, guy or person." But girls and guys are also people. So if you wanted to keep it general, why not just say "person" and call it a day? Also, that should probably be a colon, not a semicolon, and there's a typo in the third paragraph. Now, I'll fully admit, those're kinda nitpicky and annoying remarks, but still, they make for a first impression of "this isn't very good," and it's a real struggle to overcome that.
And then I get to the actual, like, story bits and it's mostly pretty dang boring. There's stuff like this:
Where the narrator is just rattling off a list of things they are, and--well, a couple problems with this. Firstly, this is in first-person narration, and I don't know about you, but I don't usually sit around thinking about what a nice person I am. So the fact that this person does that is really weird.
But mostly it's just really bland? There's nothing in the first scene, pretty much, that makes me like this character at all, or feel much of anything towards her. She just feels really boring and generic, to the point where this feels like a story that should've been 2nd-person, because the narrator feels much more like a cardboard cutout of what you think a regular person can relate to than an actual individual.
And maybe that gets better as the story goes on, but between the grammar mistakes and the blunt, straightforward infodump, which is very telly and not in a good way imo, there's not much to convince me to keep reading.
Grammatical errors aside, I did appreciate the fact that the reader insert is an anthro pony. Too often the protagonist is a human that every mare inexplicably has the hots for. That, or one of the characters is a futanari.
So yeah, this was a refreshing change of pace in that regard.
9967434
Fascinating.
I'll admit, I was struggling with wither I should tell this second or first person and decided with the former because it would be more challenging to write. And I can see where my grammar and bland sounding character of the reader can be a turn off from reading the rest, so maybe I can take your points into action and reword them to be more 'blank' (so it's easier for the readers to see themselves in the story) than 'bland'.
I'm taking this lightly because... Well... My story is about an unrealistic scenario that gets the reader laid with an exaggerated 'big tiddy goth babe'. It's really not supposed to be taken seriously. And that's fine! Some stories just won't appeal to people. I just wanted to see where I could take this idea and express it. And judging by the results, I'd say I mostly did well.
Thanks for the pointers! I'll try to revise the first half so it's less telly. And if not here, I'll keep this in mind if I do this kind of story again.
I enjoyed the quirkiness of the characters, but think I prefer the female perspective version; felt a little sweeter to me.
Goth Girls are the best
Sequal please!
This chapter would be a lot easier to read if this guy didn't come off as a socially awkward 14 year old.
Surprise epilogue, a threesome between the three~
C'mon, dude! Just let Sapphire get it off her chest, all right?!
Drunk ones can cloud the writer's mind
Are you saying it's his fault his ex cheated on him, because he was too busy with his own work to give enough attention to her?!
Soooo, do I ground it up and sniff it, oooorr...?
If you knew already, then why the hell didn't you kick him out the first time you met him?!!
Some dudes just love a feisty bad girl
It's that or she has macromastia
Calm down, William Shaking Spear!
Please tell me you don't have scars on your chest!!
Honestly, I don't hear how's that different to what the perverted bullies talk about you
I hope you're not talking about his dick!
(Un)fun fact: Women are more likely to have one-night stands (and are more likely to cheat on) partners with very huge penises ( because there is NO way she can take on wide girth so for too long, especially in a marriage)
Big Tiddy Goth GF for the win!
Niiiiiiiiice
Hey there. I faved this story a long time ago, but I never got around to commenting. This is some good shit, and the fact that you catered to both male and female makes it all the better!
Something else to note: the first time I read this, I didn't consider myself to be into anthro. Now? Now I consider this story one of the stepping stones that made me come to terms that I do in fact, like anthro.
Hope I didn't come off too strong there.
10654578
Not at all.
This is by for my most popular work and I'm proud of how it turned out. It's only more rewarding to have folks like you comment how ya feel about it. The story isn't my best, but I think fondly of the writing process
I liked this story it was great.........maybe I was biased because of the goth chic, I don't know.
10747156
You are biased for liking it just for the big toddy goth gf. And there’s no shame to that~
10747650
I find goth chics hot......... I ain't sorry for that
I loved this more stuff like this pls
Hey! This is nice!
And this part was good as well. You wrote well!
You all don't know how fucken long I've been searching to find this storie