• Member Since 23rd Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

NotaPonyPerson


Now a self appointed proofreader. Occasionally, I might put out a story.

Comments ( 28 )

This was a really enjoyable read. You presented something that could've been rendered as a simple comedy/spoof piece, and made something not only erotic, but entirely wholesome. The use of the first person perspective didn't even take away from the effect of your writing. I think you have a really terrific piece here, one to be proud of! Kudos! :twilightsmile:

9964681
Thank you so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed it as I looove your stories, dude

9964689
Thank you! I'll be hoping to post some stories in December, once I'm done with NaNoWriMo. Only two more days to go!

Looking forward to reading this when I have time, take my like for now!

Yes! Defiantly interested in ...'

did you mean "definitely"?

9965022
I definitely meant definitely.

Ah, another man of culture I see

I don't want to sound overly critical, but the first half of the chapter is such a massive exposition dump, it feels a bit rushed.

Furthermore there is a certain dissonance in the language used. I don't think anyone who didn't grow up in Jane Austen's last bunker would refer to any part of ther anatomy as a bosom. Just a thought.

9966352
Yeah, I can see that. It's mostly to establish the reader before going into the more juicer stuff. I have been sitting on this for a good while trying to figure things out.

I think you need to add in to the warning spoiler Big Tittied Goth Pony/Mare/GF

Mm, this was a little bit more enjoyable than the male version.

The amount of grammer errors in the story is insane. Along with the mixture of past and present perspectives from the "reader" makes it both slightly cringey and hard to read. Although the story is decent and I honestly laughed alot while reading every single error, it could definitely use a touch up or re-write. Dont get me wrong, it's a decent story which I mostly enjoyed, theres still room for improvement. I wish you the best of luck in any future works you come up with.

~TheManliestMustache~

9966944
I do my best to proof read and avoid using the same words over and over in a single sentence or paragraph, but its obvious my eyes aren't enough. My stories definitely would benefit more with another's eye. :twilightsheepish:

9967234
Dude, don't sweat it. Try Grammarly, it helps a lot.

I don't think you know how semicolons work.

9967341
Grammar really isn't my forte, is it? :ajsleepy: I mean, I'm glad I'm getting called out in that I need to rewrite or correct these errors, but it's getting pretty disheartening that only a few comments are about the actual story. Ah well, things I can work through in the next story!

9967350
ok well in that case

This story's writing... sorta makes a pretty yucky first impression. One sentence in, I'm already raising an eyebrow:

If you ever feel lonely and think you'll never find the right girl, guy or person in your life, let me just say one thing;

Because you've said "right girl, guy or person." But girls and guys are also people. So if you wanted to keep it general, why not just say "person" and call it a day? Also, that should probably be a colon, not a semicolon, and there's a typo in the third paragraph. Now, I'll fully admit, those're kinda nitpicky and annoying remarks, but still, they make for a first impression of "this isn't very good," and it's a real struggle to overcome that.

And then I get to the actual, like, story bits and it's mostly pretty dang boring. There's stuff like this:

Contrary to what was just said, this was far from a good morning. The last few weeks have been anything but good. For those of you who don't know me, I like to consider myself a pretty open kind of girl. Openly friendly, openly nice, openly disdained when it comes to dealing with those aptly named 'nice guys'. Just... simply and dorky. I'm pretty polite; offering a hand when mine isn't full and just pretty pleasant to be around. Or so I've been told, anyway.

Where the narrator is just rattling off a list of things they are, and--well, a couple problems with this. Firstly, this is in first-person narration, and I don't know about you, but I don't usually sit around thinking about what a nice person I am. So the fact that this person does that is really weird.

But mostly it's just really bland? There's nothing in the first scene, pretty much, that makes me like this character at all, or feel much of anything towards her. She just feels really boring and generic, to the point where this feels like a story that should've been 2nd-person, because the narrator feels much more like a cardboard cutout of what you think a regular person can relate to than an actual individual.

And maybe that gets better as the story goes on, but between the grammar mistakes and the blunt, straightforward infodump, which is very telly and not in a good way imo, there's not much to convince me to keep reading.

Grammatical errors aside, I did appreciate the fact that the reader insert is an anthro pony. Too often the protagonist is a human that every mare inexplicably has the hots for. That, or one of the characters is a futanari.

So yeah, this was a refreshing change of pace in that regard.

9967434
Fascinating.

I'll admit, I was struggling with wither I should tell this second or first person and decided with the former because it would be more challenging to write. And I can see where my grammar and bland sounding character of the reader can be a turn off from reading the rest, so maybe I can take your points into action and reword them to be more 'blank' (so it's easier for the readers to see themselves in the story) than 'bland'.

I'm taking this lightly because... Well... My story is about an unrealistic scenario that gets the reader laid with an exaggerated 'big tiddy goth babe'. It's really not supposed to be taken seriously. And that's fine! Some stories just won't appeal to people. I just wanted to see where I could take this idea and express it. And judging by the results, I'd say I mostly did well.

Thanks for the pointers! I'll try to revise the first half so it's less telly. And if not here, I'll keep this in mind if I do this kind of story again.

I enjoyed the quirkiness of the characters, but think I prefer the female perspective version; felt a little sweeter to me. :twilightsmile:

Goth Girls are the best

This chapter would be a lot easier to read if this guy didn't come off as a socially awkward 14 year old.

Surprise epilogue, a threesome between the three~

"B-Back breaking... You don't say," I commented, trying to avoid making more blatant innuendos.

C'mon, dude! Just let Sapphire get it off her chest, all right?!

"O-Oh, nonono ! I work quietly, and I don't regularly go out drinking or parties. I-I'm pretty chill!"

Drunk ones can cloud the writer's mind

Her gaze had softened, an almost tender and motherly smile on her shadow painted lips. "It's easy for you to feel lost. You're so caught up in one thing that you can barely have time to notice your surroundings or when something is wrong. Yeah, being mindful is important, but the sheer joy and peacefulness you feel when you're in the zone are just as important. You just become so clueless or doubtful once you've realized what's happened, and it hurts you so much. And it's not fair that she made it out to be like that."

Are you saying it's his fault his ex cheated on him, because he was too busy with his own work to give enough attention to her?!

She would reach into her pocket and pull up a small purple pouch with golden like a string holding it in. Pulling on it, she opened to pull out a small purplish-pink crystal before handing it to me. "It's an Amethyst. It's good for when you feel lost and need some help finding yourself. No charge."

Soooo, do I ground it up and sniff it, oooorr...?

She winked and stuck out her pierced tongue. "Gotcha~ I don't need to know crystals and auras to tell someone's been ogling my tits whenever they get the chance."

If you knew already, then why the hell didn't you kick him out the first time you met him?!!

"Though I suppose I can't blame you fully for gawking at them. It's not your fault puberty hit me like a freight train at a young age. And no matter what I did to isolate myself from others, wither it be through clothes or makeup or putting up a bitchy attitude, I just drew more attention. And after some time, I just grew to love having the girls keep my chest full and warm. Not every day, Celestia blisses you with a rack that could rival her own~" she teased, letting them drop and bounce majestically in place.

Some dudes just love a feisty bad girl

"H-Hey, that's not it at all! I-I mean, how could I not!" I exclaim, surprised while my composure slowly fell. "Like my goodness. They're so huge! It's almost like any food you've eaten solely went to making your bust size bigger."

It's that or she has macromastia

"... Most men would die for a piece to see what supports all that flesh! To feel how soft and perfect, they must feel in the palm of your hands. To be able to lap at the teats in hopes that the sweetest milk may grace these lips! To have them wave and bounce around with such grace. To squeeze and caress them if only to relieve so much stress and tension from both parties! Like CHRIST LADY ! YOUR BOOBS ARE SO AMAZINGLY BIG !" I loudly exclaimed while I was left panting as if the weight of the world had finally lifted from my shoulders in finally just coming out to say it.

Calm down, William Shaking Spear!

"Let me tell you a bit about me," She said, her tone low and dark with a hint of silky softness. "I was bullied a lot in school because of this body. Many girls got jealous. I drew so much unwanted attention from the guys and called me a lot of things. Bimbo, Gutter whore, bench slut, you name it, I've was called it. And for a while, it would hurt me so badly. My self-esteem was in such a poor state; it sent me to dark places — thoughts about hurting myself to get rid of all this extra bit of flesh. But I got over it. I decided not to give a fuck about what anyone thinks of me."

Please tell me you don't have scars on your chest!!

"So hearing you gush about my breasts... It's depraved, but it's also comforting in a sense. It makes me very happy to know someone thinks highly of my body not just for tit sakes, but finds me beautiful."

Honestly, I don't hear how's that different to what the perverted bullies talk about you

"Ohh, your white aura's flaring up, which is good... though it's somewhat dim. Probably from the negative energy that bitch of a girlfriend left behind."

I hope you're not talking about his dick!

"Trust me, I've seen and had bigger, but this is the perfect size you want to have when it comes to sex. And the fact that your ex couldn't see that is mind-boggling. Whatever, though, more for me~!" And with that, she set to work me up more by slowly licking her way towards the tip of my cock, sucking and playfully nibbling the head before she licked back down. This motion continued while she groped and felt up my leathery sack, making me moan soft and airy sounds. The sucking noises and sloppy kissing she was made only increased the fire burning in my loins while her hand stroked all that saliva around my length.

(Un)fun fact: Women are more likely to have one-night stands (and are more likely to cheat on) partners with very huge penises ( because there is NO way she can take on wide girth so for too long, especially in a marriage)

Big Tiddy Goth GF for the win!

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