The Principles Of Being A Draconequus

by deadpansnarker

Time for an intervention? Or an inversion?

"A special party? For me?! Well, I know I deserve one, obviously, in fact I deserve many, but this is still such a wonderful surprise! And it's not even my birthday yet..." Discord sounded quite excited, as he approached Fluttershy's cottage sporting a serpentine grin that nearly extended the entire length of his face.

"What? You have a birthda... wait, what am I saying? Of course you do! And I've known you for years, without even enquiring when it might be!" The pegasus owner of the picturesque dwelling commented guiltily, as she ambled alongside her draconequus friend. "You'll have to tell me when it is, so I can try to make up for all of the ones you've missed out on."

"Hmm... are you absolutely sure about that, my dear?" Discord abruptly stopped in his tracks momentarily, before a whole host of graphs, charts and abacuses appeared around him on which he began doing complex calculations at light speed. "I was born so many millenia ago, it might take me a while to figure out the exact date. Plus, you'd have to buy me thousands of gifts in compensation, Pinkie Pie would collapse with exhaustion at the size of the cake she'd have to bake with all the candles, all my friends from alternate universes would come here to help me celebrate, and believe me... some of them can get a little rowdy. If you know what I'm saying."

"U-Um, yes..." Fluttershy began to picture the Smooze's disruptive appearance at the Grand Galloping Gala a while back, and decided that multiplying that by a hundredfold was possibly not the best decision. "Perhaps we'll better take a rain check on that idea for now."

"Rain, you say?" Discord stopped his many claws and hooves from working overtime long enough to extend his neck high above the skyline. "I don't see anything at all, except a cross-eyed mare flying in circles and a bunch of boring white puffy things that are most definitely not made from cotton candy. Oh, I remember when this town had a lot more colour to it. Now, what was that 'thing' I used to do...?"

"W-Well, that's not important right now..." Fluttershy knew better than to remind Discord of his 'glory' days, since the sneaky Draconequus still seemed at times to play quite fast and loose with his supposed 'redemption'. "What you should know though, is that a whole bunch of your recent acquaintances that probably won't cause my cottage to turn into gingerbread or fall into a black hole are here, just to see you. So, are you ready to say hello?"

"Oh, goodie, a captive audience! As opposed to just being my captives, as was my usual method when I wanted to make new 'friends'." Discord sniggered slightly at his joke, before beginning to make some ambitious plans there and then. "This might be the first chance I get to relaunch my old fan club! I know numbers dwindled, or even fell off a cliff, during that whole 'turn Ponyville into the chaos capital of Equestria' misunderstanding. But I have a feeling in my water the time is right to begin manufacturing some tacky Discord merchandise again, exclusive only for members naturally! And every lucky Discordite that signs up within the first thirty days gets a free, I say free, special personalised business card with my charming visage on it! Take a look at it, didn't I look ravishing in my fireside photoshoot? That's yours to keep, that is!"

"E-Er yes, very nice..." Fluttershy visibly sweated as she quickly stowed the laminated item safely in the back of her saddlebag. "I hope that all works out! In the meantime though, everypony is waiting inside and probably getting impatient for us to arrive. You don't want me to get a reputation as a bad hostess, do you?"

Discord halted his grandiose self-gratification to glance at a pleading Fluttershy in the eye, before visibly deflating like a balloon. "You're absolutely right my dear, I'm being intolerably selfish. After all, these ponies are here for me, and it would be most rude to forcibly subject them to the moody administrations of your harebrained long-eared pet for any longer than necessary, not to mention the pervasive stench of animal dung which lingers around the rafters like a bad smell. Because that's exactly what it is. But if you like that kind of thing, I suppose it's ideal."

"Hey, wait a second! What about your house, with all the upside-down furniture and talking bowls of fruit? Also, at least my cottage is in a convenient dimension! They're still looking for the postpony who delivered that invite to the gala for you. Have you even looked at any cartons of milk recently?" Fluttershy was most put out by Discord's unflattering description of her lifestyle, and attempted to challenge him on it.

"Well no-one's perfect, I suppose. To each their own." Discord said with a shrug, as he shrunk to the size and shape of his pegasus friend's house key before turning himself in the lock. "...And I fully co-operated with all aspects of that enquiry, with no evidence of foul play being found. Anyway, I don't have time to argue now: my public awaits. Ta da everypony, your hero is here! Please don't all stampede at once. I'm not as well-built as I look, in fact I'm always going to 'pieces'..."

As the eager draconequus flung the door open into the much-more-crowded than expected front room though, a couple of things quickly became apparent. The first was that, judging by the obnoxious sound of crickets chirping away in the background, the assembled masses of young and old alike didn't find his callback gag particularly amusing. The second was the fact that, going by their cross expressions and folded hooves/arms etc, they weren't here to celebrate the life of the 'One And Only' Discord.

"What's up with everypony? Where are the cheers? The laughter? The unmitigated adulation?!" The confused draconequus was finding it quite hard to fathom what was happening, as a great big wall of glum stared back at him. "Fluttershy, are you sure you invited the right guests? These look more like the invitees for the 'Let's Burn Discord At The Stake' gathering than the 'Let's Bake Discord A Giant Cake' jamboree. Let's go outside again and look for the actual partygoers, if we're lucky they may still be wandering around, with their banners and flags and cosplays..."

"E-Erm actually Discord..." It was this point Fluttershy began gazing at the floor nervously, whilst scratching the wooden planks with her right forehoof. "There is no mistake, these are the ponies and assorted other species who wanted to talk to you. You see, I might have kinda, sorta, just a teensy bit, invited you here under false pretences. Please don't get mad at me, she said you'd never have come otherwise, and it was for your own good."

" 'She'? Well, at least we know the gender of the villain who dared manipulate my dearest Fluttershy, and sent me on this wild Breezie chase when I could've been dirtying my dishes this evening!" Discord muttered in anger as he began scanning the room again, hoping to pick out a possible culprit. "Whoever you are, if you step forward now you'd be saving yourself a lot of unnecessary anguish in the long run. Confess, and I may just turn you into a delicious Zap apple for all of eternity. Fail to do so, and you'll be the long wriggly pink thing that lives inside instead. So, which is it to be?"

"It was me, Discord! After hearing what you got up to while me and my friends were away on your bogus Cutie Map mission, I felt I had no choice but to get everypony together to talk to you directly ourselves! Now you're here, you're not going anywhere until we get some answers! So get comfortable, because a few individuals wish to have their say, and I think you need to hear them."

"Ah, Princess Twilight Sparkle. The one who's fan club membership total I shall soon surpass, and the biggest royal stick-in-the-mud ever." Discord rolled his eyes (quite literally, for they were tossed like dice in his claw) as the resolute alicorn stepped forward. "How could I not figure it out sooner? Anypony else would've been grateful I organised a fantastic globetrotting fun run for them, but you always have to find the cloud in every silver lining, don't you? Well, apologies for having to depart this charming soiree prematurely and permanently, but I fear my sensitive ears will suffer irreparable damage if I tarry any longer any more moaning. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen and all that jazz. Gosh, I loathe that song."

But as Discord tried to blink back to his topsy-turvy home as usual, it was much to his chagrin he found himself still being stared down by the same throng of malcontents from before. "Huh? What gives? Has my magic gone cuckoo once more? Perhaps I should bring forward my regular appointment with the Chaos Doctor by a century or two..."

"I placed a temporary spell on Fluttershy's cottage and the surrounding area, so you can't just skip town like you usually do in the event of a 'crisis'." Twilight explained, as Discord attempted in vain to escape this extremely awkward situation. "...And that includes your 'spirit' as well, so don't attempt to separate that from your physical being or you'd only be wasting your time. Yes, I heard about that from Starlight too when you called her 'incompetent' and 'power hungry', along with many other things that happened around the school, and I have just one question to ask: What in Tartarus is the matter with you?!"

Realising he wasn't going anywhere for a while, and still surrounded by multitudes of angry eyes, the usually ice-cool Discord began visibly paling a little. Well in truth, he was painting himself that colour. Eggshell White, if you must know. "I-I..."

"You gave me the sneezes, and almost set the entire school on fire! I don't appreciate the possibly of seeing the word 'arsonist' on my permanent record, thank you! " Smoulder kicked things off, remembering the inconvenient location of a certain tree in the classroom.

"You turn Yona into a crazed wrecking ball, and almost get her impaled on a Bugbear stinger! You bad hybrid! " Yona did not seem best pleased at almost being severely agitated and badly injured in the same day.

"You messed up Trixie's big teaching debut! Trixie wants vengeance! You must pay dearly for this diabolical act of sabotage! But, er... could you teach me how you did that thing with the Ursa Major, please?" Trixie also had a few complaints, but also a favour to ask.

"You distracted me with an exhilarating trip underground where I saw jadeite, taaffeite and alexandrite together, all so I wouldn't get to my lesson in time. Boo." Maud didn't seem too displeased, in a scene that hadn't quite make the final cut.

"Haunted paintings and possessed armour chasing us around the corridor!" cried a few other voices.

"You ruined our scavenger hunt!" was a related grievance.

"Disgusting limburger cheese everywhere!" Spike was especially unhappy with that last one.

"You owe us money!" Iron Will and Cranky Doodle had been hired to teach, but their cheques had bounced. Yes, literally. Boing boing. This is Discord we're talking about here, after all.

"I-I...uh...that is to say..." Faced with this unprecedented backlash to his dubious education methods, Discord struggled to find a right to reply, especially as he was beginning to gasp feel a bit guilty himself on hearing these impact statements. "W-Well I can't have been that awful. You were just about to make me vice principal, before you-know-who showed up again about a week before schedule. Why couldn't you have got lost for a bit longer, as was my original plan?"

Starlight sighed in annoyance, as she spoke for the first time in that cramped room. "Discord, you're completing missing the point here! Do you really think I'd have given you that position if I knew what you'd been up to from the very beginning? It might've been wrong of me and my friends not to invite you to the opening of the school, but if you really wanted to 'help out' as you claim, you'd wait for a genuine emergency to unfold instead of manufacturing one yourself! You caused an awful lot of inconvenience for us the past few days, but I believe me and Twilight have figured out a solution. First, do you have something to say yourself?"

Despite his current state of disconcertedness, Discord racked his ailing brain to uncover just what this ubiquitous thing he was expected to speak might be. It's a stitch-up? I want a lawyer present? Fluttershy, will you do me the distinct honour of being my... No, this is neither the time or the place for that.

"Here's a clue..." Spike saw that his friend was struggling a little, and decided to help him out. "Remember when you wanted to play Ogres And Oubliettes with me and Big Mac again, after you put our lives in danger by making it all-too-real? What was that one simple magic word you said which made it all better? Come on now, I know you can remember!"

What's the little lizard rambling on about now? Discord thought, rather discourteously. Abracadabra? Hey Presto? 42? Oh silly me, that's a magic number, not word. Wait a second...

"S-S-S..." The stuttering draconequus knew he could do this right, since he'd been practicing in front of a mirror and everything. "Siri? Surrey? Sherry? Sore... reed..."

Realising they were going to be here all night if they waited for him to use the correct pronunciation, and knowing that some of their students had to get up early for school in the morning, Twilight and Starlight looked at each other with a satisfied nod. "Close enough. Alright everypony, let's leave Fluttershy in peace with her animals. I think Discord gets the message, and won't try to mess with our curriculum again without prior permission. Does everypony feel happier now?"

A shrill chorus of 'yes' was heard from around the swiftly emptying cottage, indicating that indeed, the air had been cleared, things had been patched up and Discord had managed to use his innate charm and charisma to once again escape serious repercussions for his borderline sociopathy...

...Or at least, that's what he thought.

"And just where do you think you're going?" Twilight asked the draconequus as he attempted to return to the relative sanctity of limbo.

"Erm... I'll be off, too." Discord wondered why his spell to get home still wasn't working. "Didn't you say my public flogging was over? I have to feed my pet mouse. To my cat, I mean. Then I'm feeding her to my dog, then my dog to the..."

"Not yet, you're not. I'm afraid in this case, an apology is just the first step in your retribution." Twilight shook her head lightly, before trying to explain further. "We've had more than a few setbacks in your 'redemption' of late, and are now beginning to wonder if a small refresher course isn't necessary to put you back on the path to righteousness. A reminder of what the fundamental principles of friendship are about, if you like."

"Refresher... course? Clearly I must've missed something between when you opened your mouth there and when you blessedly shut it." Discord whacked his head so a moderate amount of wax fell out, with which he began to sculpture a very lifelike impression of his handsome physique. "Could you actually make, you know, the slightest bit of sense?"

Frowning a little at the draconequus's condescending tone, Twilight got right to the point. "Basically, we've had three new young promising members of staff join us recently that we've been looking to find a useful purpose for, and that's proven to be quite difficult. Until now, that is. Discord, welcome to your new Friendship Counsellors who'll hopefully be able to curb some of your more destructive traits, and will be working alongside Fluttershy to give you the encouragement you need to make the right life choices. Please get ready to meet..."

Upon hearing three telltale chattery voices approach him, Discord nearly turned himself inside out in sheer panic. He began gibbering endlessly like a loony tune. He was a nervous wreck, destroyed internally, completely beside himself with fear...

But nothing, nothing at all, could save him from his awful, ignominious fate.

"Howdy, I'm Apple Bloom!"

"Hi, I'm Sweetie Belle!"

"Yo, I'm Scootaloo! But you can call me Miss Scoots."

"And together we are... your Cutie Friendship Counsellors!!"

"No! Please, no! Change me back into stone! Strip me of all my powers and lock me up like Tirek! Wipe me out of existence forever! Anything but this! NNNOO!"

Author's Note:

Here's a little after episode treat for you. Let me know what you think, I'm off spelunking. Bye for now...

Comments

[Eroraf86]

9087300

[deadpansnarker]

9087300
Well, thanks for stopping by anyway. Though I'd prefer people actually read the story before judging..

9087332

[Lightbuster30]

9087335
I did. There are many things I dislike: Twilight somehow stopping Discords spirit from leaving, when Starlight couldn't even affect his physical form without him allowing it (according to a post from an episode writer).

Oh and Twilight calling Discord 'reformed' quote on quote. Really? You had to add that? Nice implication.

[deadpansnarker]

9087361
Well I think Twilight knows quite a bit more magic than Starlight, so I wouldn't put it past her. This is purely a headcanon, and until we get a similar post from one of the episode writers, I'm going to stick to it.

Also, the quotes thing was clearly meant as a joke, you shouldn't take it so seriously. Besides, when Discords endangers students like he did in this episode, what else can she think?

[Lightbuster30]

9087376
Starlight is portrayed as her equal though. If Discord was completely unaffected then it stands to reason Twilight wouldn't be able to either. If it were that easy then Celestia and Luna could have trapped him in a local area.

Except those dangers were implied to be fakes? In at least half the episodes he's been in he's either directly or indirectly pit people in serious danger (mostly Directly). This is far from new. .

[deadpansnarker]

9087400
Listen, I love Discord too, but a lot of what you've put up there seem like nitpicks. I don't think I've broken any serious canon rules in this story, but of course you're entitled to disagree. That's what this comment section is for, to debate our differences.

In this episode alone, Yona would've been stung by a bugbear if it hasn't been for Starlight blasting it. I don't think it was an illusion, so she could've been seriously hurt. I agree it would be out of character for him to act in this reckless way along with the other hazardous situations he initiated, but they happened in the episode, it's canon now which is why I'm referencing it in this fic. Any faults with him behaving in this manner should be blamed on the new writers of the show, not me for describing the scene.

[twidash1993]

"Howdy, I'm Apple Bloom!"

"Hi, I'm Sweetie Belle!"

"Yo, I'm Scootaloo! But you can call me Miss Scoots."
And we're your Fairy Godparents!

[deadpansnarker]

9087423
"Discord is an average draconequus, that nopony understands..."

[Lightbuster30]

9087414
Well I'm a nitpicky person. One of my many faults.

I mean from a verses perspective it doesn't add up in my opinion. I personally love adding new abilities in a fanfic, so long as it doesn't contradict previous showings. Like say for example; Starswirl moving a supergiant star on his own, when he needs 5 other unicorns to help move the Sun. But as you said, it comes down to opinion. I'm mostly debating this part for fun. Verses debating is a past time when I'm bored online.

Well the Ursa Major he summoned was smaller than the real thing. I seriously doubt he would've let that happen. He was trying to scare them, and anger Starlight to the point of assaulting him. Knowing that, I am assured that he was only putting up a scare, and would've stopped if Starlight did nothing. Even at his worst (post-reformed) he never let any of his more dangerous pranks get to the point of serious injury.

I mean, considering these are the same writers (according to what I've heard) who consider Discord to be hinging on CN and CE, and wrote early episodes if him, you're easily right. I generally consider this version of Discord to be non-canon. Don't intent to sound blameful, as much as I come off as.

[SuperPinkBrony12]

9087423 No no no, it's "FAIRY GOD PARENTS!" like Denzel Crocker pronounces it!

[Lightbuster30]

9087462
I swear I used to think it was "The Fairy Godparents" for the longest time before I noted it was the "faily oddparents.

[deadpansnarker]

9087458
Well I would tend to agree with that, if there was any sign that he was about to withdraw the bugbear from existence. But there wasn't really, and it was left up to Starlight to 'save the day', as it were. As you say though, I don't know what to think with these new writers. At least there are plenty of callbacks to new episodes these days, like 'Princess Spike in this one and 'Horse Play' in the one before this.

And perhaps fans of Discord should be thankful he's still making appearances after reforming seven seasons on. Ever since a certain filly in my avatar turned things around, she hasn't had a single speaking role in the show. (Unlike her reprehensible mother, which seems karmically unfair)

[deadpansnarker]

9087462
You forgot the link...

P.S I wonder what Butch Harman is up to these days... checks google... oh dear.

[Lightbuster30]

9087500
Thing about that is: He desires friendship. As much a jerk he acts, he really does care about the friendships he has. I mean the whole reason he acted out was because no one would let him in the school (and it's implied Twilight has been doing this since it's opening, seeing as Starlight was doing things "as Twilight would"). He knows Starlight, and especially Fluttershy would never forgive him if he actually let someone get hurt or worse expelled or worse. I just imagine he played it up till the last second.

Well they kept Discord for whacky misadventure potential. So obviously he's get it far better than ST.

Hey, look sorry if I sounded aggressive in the first comment. Passive aggressiveness is a bad habit that I tend to speak with most of the time. I'm extremely used to talking, and being talked to in that manner, so it's sorta natural to me. So sorry if I gave any bad impressions.

[deadpansnarker]

9087534
It's okay, I've just noticed a lot of people disliking a story based on it's synopsis or ships, which I think is a bit short-sighted. Obviously you weren't one of them, so the above doesn't apply to you. Thank you for your honesty. You didn't have to delete the first message, though.

In terms of your thought on what could've been Discord's mindset, you're absolutely correct... that does sound like his character, But as there wasn't much of a hint that this was his plan, the audience was left in the dark as to what his motives might be. If only there had been a single added scene, where we knew that this was all a ruse designed to frighten the children that he'd stop as soon as things became too dangerous. Stuff like that could've made a lot of difference, and made some people's criticism of it because of Discord's OOC malicious hi-jinx not quite as harsh. Oh well...

Nice talking to you, anyway. Have a good day!

[Lightbuster30]

9087558
Meh. I usually talk before I get my thoughts in order. So it isn't until after I talk that I notice where I could be in the wrong. But you're welcome.

Well there is one hint. One of the writers said that Discord was happy Starlight blasted him because it proved his point. So this leads me to believe that he was merely trying to rile her up so she'd look bad when she snapped. The lack of scene is either lazy writing or time constraints. Most writers don't go into great detail with morality in MLP, keeping it simple. Or at least seemingly so.

[titanhades70]

9087361
Actually it doesn't count unless they actually mention it in the show. I take what writers say with a grain of salt because they have been wrong multiple times before.

As far as the show goes, Discord was legitimately affected by Starlight's spell, as far as canon goes. Because most viewers don't care what the writers have to say.

[Lightbuster30]

9087780
Aside from the fact that it did jack to stop him. I'll take WoG any day, as long it isn't outlandish. There are many things they've been right about.

[howard035]

Man, I love the idea of the CMC tutoring Discord. Of course, I'd give pretty good odds he'd end up distracting them and getting them to join him in shenanigans instead.

9087400 Dude, I agree that Discord can't really be effected by conventional magic if he doesn't want to be, but this is a comedy. It's ok for the author to stretch canon a bit to make things funny, especially in a one-shot.

[Fluttercordia]

I love, love, loved the ending! Upvote!

[NobodieZ]

Thanks for doing this!

[deadpansnarker]

9087819
Same here, though it sounds more like something you'd read in the comics.

9088135

9088567
Cheers.

[NobodieZ]

9088655
You're welcome.

[Misty Spell]

"You turn Yona into a crazed wrecking ball

Actually that one was you. And Iron Will, but mostly you.

I don't care how many times I've already said this, I'm going to say it again. Fuck this episode. I hate Discord.

Edit: Apparently three Discord fans disagree.

[Drachos]

I was worried this was going to be another "Fix Fic" type thing, but gave it a shot anyway.

And I am REALLY glad I did. Discord is beautifully in character, and everyones reactions feel natural. I especially liked Spike leading Discord into saying Sorry and you got me giggling when Discord started begging to be kept away from the CMCs.

You know the CMCs are terrifying and chaotic when even the "Lord of Chaos" himself goes, "Nope, nope, nope, don't want this, Please, no, not this."

I kinda want a story now where the CMCs ascend into draconequus, and everyones reactions. I know their is a beautiful story about Sweetie Belle as a Chaos Mage, but thats not quite the same thing.

[The Great Derpsby]

9087819
Well, actually, he can. Celestia enchanted the Elements of Harmony so he couldn't hide them with his magic again, and he couldn't. He had to try to snatch them away physically.

[howard035]

9099168 A spell that was tied into the Elements of Harmony themselves. Just like Twilight can summon him using the Elements of Harmony. Starlight was not wielding the Elements of Harmony when she blasted Discord to smithereens and tried to pass it off as a "banishing" spell.

[The Great Derpsby]

9099178
Truth be told, I don't think Starlight's spell actually worked. The difference is, Twilight here had the time to prepare something, and I do believe he can be affected in that case.

[DBZFan12]

I'm glad this story exists. I honestly don't know what's worse; the fact that the writers wanted us to think Discord had every right to harass the students and torture Starlight, or the fact that some people over on the wiki actually think that he did have the right to do that.

Additionally, this morning, I got blocked for a day for calling the wiki users out on that.

[DBZFan12]

9089407
Believe it or not, there are some people who think Discord had every right to torture Starlight and that Starlight was in the wrong for intervening, which completely blows my mind.

[StatiZkyZ]

I may not be the biggest fan of Discord, but even I know that something is clearly wrong with him at that episode... I can only wonder what other things he'll do if Starlight didn't stop everything by apologizing, which, to be frank, a bit weird that she's the one apologizing

I must say that the usual humor Discord have is perfectly written, especially his inner monologue, it's golden.

I kinda wish Discord has an actual explanation for himself though instead of immediately saying sorry (Or attempted to say sorry). Not sure if my picture is accurate, but I always think Discord wouldn't give in so easily, especially if he's 'part victim' for not being invited to the school.

A solid 9.8/10, and honestly, I'd love to make this fic as my canon

[Misty Spell]

9122213
Well, people are entitled to objectively wrong opinions.

[DBZFan12]

9124285
That's true.

[redmar]

Discord does deserve this after the stunt he pulled in that episode.

[MusicRocks807]

"You owe us money!" Iron Will and Cranky Doodle had been hired to teach, but their cheques had bounced. Yes, literally. Boing boing. This is Discord we're talking about here, after all.

Idk why but the "boing boing" really got me You've absolutely nailed Discord's voice here, his internal monologue had me in stitches. One thing I would say about that section - when they're listing his offences - is to consider the sentences following each bit of speech. The Iron Will/Cranky Doodle one works because it adds something (the image of the bouncing cheques), but Trixie's for example is just describing what she's already said, and kind of interrupts the flow of the dialogue. Those sentences are good to clarify who's speaking, like Smolder's, but with characters who use third-person like Yona or Trixie it might be worth cutting them?

[dshadow14]

They're still looking for the postpony who delivered that invite to the gala for you.

Yeah, I felt so bad for him. I was relieved to see him in Best Gift Ever.

[Starlight Fan]

9087534
Did he have to torment the students? No he didn’t. While I agree he probably was just doing this to test Starlight and didn’t actually intend on harming the students he still acted like a man-child.

[Waspinator331]

"Discord, you're completing missing the point here!

It should be completely, not completing.

[Zavex Capricious]

9089407
Because Discord is awesome, even if this episode and What About Discord did him an injustice with how they made him act