I was just doing my own business shopping when I woke up in Pinkie's bed as Zalgy Cake, Pinkie Pie's equinox counterpart. Turns out my spiritual energy is like a demon and my newest host is Pinkie, I take control when ever I want but I like to have Pinkie behind the wheel most of the time since I would get on everypony's bad side. Oh look another demon, be back later. I was starting to get bored by talking so much.
No music or anything of the kind is mine! Only this story and the world with it.
Chapters (9)
No one please complain about how many stories I have posted in a short amount of time. Because I frankly don't care about that, so keep that opinion to yourself please. I only want suggestions that could make the story better and any mistakes I make with spelling, grammar and such.
8819050
Well, the unfortunate truth is that you have no control over the kind of response you get. You can only do your best and hope for constructive and helpful feedback. Telling your readers what you don't want to hear is a surefire way to get it anyway.
Case in point; you need to slow down and practice, like I've mentioned before. You don't have the best grasp of what you need for proper story construction. Your dialogue is stilted, plot points appear at random without any explanation, you constantly include little "asides", and there are more run-on sentences than Pinkie has cupcakes.
You need a lot more practice and some fresher ideas. I'm not sure where this obsession with demons and possession comes from but judging by your execution, I don't think it's the best path for your stories to take. Once you've practiced and improved dramatically, by all means do whatever you want. I'm just saying that you should consider trying something else and not publishing until you're really & truly ready.
Trust me; you'll feel a lot better if you do. I've been there.
8819200
I'll see what I can do. Run on sentences is like my special talent when I'm writing which is pretty annoying. I thank you for the feedback.
8819210
I've found it helpful to jot down my ideas first and create an outline. That helps me sort out my ideas. Since the purpose of a sentence is to express an idea, if your ideas are organized, your sentences will be too.
soooo good
and you got me to follow you
I feel honoured. I never thought my story would inspire someone else's. I really like the idea, and am excited by where the story goes. I guess I worry that things are going too fast, but you are new to this from what I can tell, and I do believe I do the same thing without realizing it. Kudos to you. And you have just made my day.
8820415
Yay!!
8821164
DITTO!
curse you cliff hanger curse you
Other Than the chapters need more content and spacing, it seems pretty good so far
Yeeees! YEEEEES! ME LIKEY! Thanks to this story, I also actually looked up equinox, and oh my, do I love what I've seen so far, which admittedly, is not a lot, and I would live to learn more. My favourite one, with most of these things, is the Twilight Variant, Dimmed Star. In terms of this chapter, oh dear, demons seem awfully common. This should keep them on their toes(if they have any). And that pun! Yep, it was bad, and I LOVE IT! I can't wait for more of this madness and nightmare fuel. Keep up that good work, and I can't wait for more!
P.S. where can I find out more about equinox?
8822792
I like that you got some research done on equinox, sadly I don't know where to find more about equinox. I will message you if I find anything about it.
Well. Let's see here. I am really bad at criticism. Now let's look at the chapter. Good chapter? Yup. Good chapter? Yup. Good chapter? Yup. This is pretty much the extent of my ability to review a chapter. And yeah, if you do find anything, that'd be awesome. I want to know MOAR! LEARN MOAR! Nightmare fuel of this variety gets me going down the good mood route. I love twisted things. And you, writer of this good book, have given me insight into a world that is full of it. Again, all I can really say is keep up that good work, and I wish/hope you a good time with this.
8823736
Yay!! Another admirer of twisted things!
I love it
Pinkie get out of my head!
8823761
Which is your favourite? And why? I assume zalgy, but you never know. It could be spiderlock. As I am sure I've said before, dimmed star is my favourite. That black goo, serpents, eyes and just general design is awesome! But then again, I may just be bias to Twilight. Eh, whatever. There will always be bias. In everything. One really can't help it.
8823775
My favorite is Zalgy Cake since she's so unique and not involved with Dimmed Star's experiments, along with Stone but whatever, and just kinda speaks to me since my personality is pretty similar to hers. Thinking pranks are more funny when someone gets hurt and such, the only part that I'm not similar with is Zalgressa and liking to do pranks.
8823808
Ahhhh, I totally know what zalgressa is. Its like, something I don't know, meaning I do know what it is, the thing I know it being something I don't know. And Dimmed Star calls to me along the lines of "I sorta wish I was like that" kinda thing. Which may be weird. But that's what happens when morality tethers you so. You know, that whole, if your a goody 2 shoes, you kinda wish you were the psychopathic mad scientist? No? Just me? Oh. Ok then. Also, anything is allowed in my book in the name of SCIENCE! Also, Dimmed Star's goo reminds me of The Darkness. So there's that too.
FRIENDSHIP!
8823830
Zalgressa: The equinox counterpart of Pinkamena, all straight mane and tail. She's just worse than that. *Creepy Giggling*
man you are chugging out the chapters man
8824705
Meh. My mind stays on 'Imagination Station' a lot of the time and since I have a account I can actually write/type them down.
Great chapter! I guess Zalgressa is coming out sooner than expected. Is it bad that I didn't read "Then she bit my head off!" With surprise, but rather indignation? It sounds so much funnier. And those scorponies seem interesting. I wonder how they tick...*maniacal laughter* Only one way to find out...
So as the descriptions said this is a "oc" in Pinkie and not OC and Pinkie story?
To be honest I prefer it if there would be too of them instead of the body sharing stuff, but I would like to read this too.
I try my luck with the story later
awww shit why anthro I thought it would be pony. I have nothing against anthros but some ideas would work better with pony forms for me.
That's probably not fun, because that sounds like no one will ever know that he is a demon, I hope they see him at least.
In my eyes the demon stuff happens to soon, I hope this story doesn't repeat what the zombie story I had read recently and has a demon attack every chapter or every two.
uuhhhmm you need to explain the third rule to me agian, because it looked a bit as if she messed that one up already. What meant not getting caught? Not getting into a cage, getting imprissoned/beaten up by another enemie?
I'm just saying it because I fear where this could maybe go, I hope you explain enough of the stuff that happens and not just let it happen like
"he is on a bus, now he is climbing that building oh no wait he is hitting the poor Villain form the 90's with a broom.
you could say I think this slice of life part/the more casual part could have been bigger. This was more like "here I am and now we fight".
I can't explain that good so sorry if this sounds more rude or something, but I hope you get the idea.
I still like it and normally I don't like to say much in the first chapter already.
Not sure if you can work with it since it is only my personal opinion, but yes here you got it.
8819050
Well as long as you aren't like the guy that has 288 stories after a few years only and all of them with the same quality it is okay.
I mean I can only say I saw many guys which weren't able to keep up with their twenty stories they started which annoyed many readers I believe.
Pinkies dream or whatever looks as if she is on drugs.
Why is Pinkie not curious and stuff? I know Pinkie is Pinkie and everything, but shouldn't she be at least a tiny bit wary or curious?
Another fight already?, this would be the thirs boss rush story I had lately.
I honestly need more of the other stuff not only the fighting.
8826310
Don't worry. I promise it's not a fight.
Okay I have to admit there was no fight. I think I would only repeat myself when I would say more.
I feel like you would need to slow down a little, but I can't give you a good example right now.
I guess there is nothing really wrong with this chapter. I would maybe have reacted the same way as her when the question for being the mate came out since it maybe was kind of rude or at least the little guy/girl? was not showing much respect.
Not sure if there was more, it is late and because of that my concentration goes as well.
8826310
Also I didn't do a Pinkie dream scene. The only similar thing I did was Zalgy Cake exploring her mind scape since she had nothing to do.
Awwwww, but everything should be in the name of the demons or the unholy.*pouts adorably* or maybe not...
Anyhoo, let's see where this goes shall we. ONWARDS! TO SLAY ZE DEEEEMONS!
They are so strangely calm about everything.
Personally I would have prefered to see that, but I wait for how the rest of the chapters looks like, I'm just saying that I hope not the whole getting to know each other is happening offscreen.
oh well I guess it is okay here, but like I said I want to feel as if we witness one of those talks in the future.
I really need to have a fledged out Pinkie and Zalgy meets Pinkies familly chapter.
Otherwise a nice chapter thank you.
What's an equinox counterpart?
8840853
When I say equinox counterpart I mean the equinox version of someone, such as the Mane 6. Just search up 'equinox mane 6' and you'll know what I mean, I think.
here's a pmv I made I thought you might like it check out my other ones if you did
Now I don't like it that Pinkie isn't unique, but maybe it is going to be interessting.
Well....it was to short and I'm still not sure if I liked the casual outcome or if I wanted something more like them freaking out, but it was okay I suppose. I think I disliked the other chapters more and this was actually okay.
Hmmmmmmm...interesting. So it runs in the family. That could lead to quite a few interesting paths. And if in want for ideas of the monstrous or demonic kind, I can have many. Like a monster/demon that looks like one big creature, but is actually tens of thousands of little creature. Or this fleshy, metallic gargoyle thing, that can literally rip its body parts off and control them from afar, where the body parts also float. Or some massive rock burrowing monstrosity, like a monstrous worm or some form of other thing, that can ingest rocks, and then fire them out of various 'cannons' in their body, as highly magma rocks. I sort of love coming up with things like these. <_< ehehehehehehe. Keep up the good work!
next up zygly has a rocky dinner hehe
Great work
Great work can't wait for more
Hope limestone's looks like Armada UNICRON.
the chapter feels half complete to me
Thx
8900192
No problem.
8900200
Kinda wish it wasn't ice but instead "Techno Organic" but oh well
Woooooooooooo! Moar! Yaaaaaaaayyyyyy! Its been a while hasn't it. Keep up the good work, and all should be fine. After all, we don't want psychopathic monsters that can sense baf writing to come and eat us all! Or some various other random scenarios my brain thinks up. Can't wait for more!
What class of demon is Zalgo Cake
8907159
A mystery that will one day be no more.
8907169
I'm guessing a member of a race of symbiotes bound to a specific line of ponies.