Airship Mauled

by Darkonshadows

Chapter twenty six, Chaos Curriculum: Lunchtime Matters.

-Shining-

I just got finished chatting with Sell Hard. I had some things to discuss with Fry Hard, but he never did anything illegal like his brother did. Still, Sell Hard needed counseling, though he sounded like he had a fair point about his brother visiting the Hayburger every day of the year… even on holidays.

“I’ve been meaning to ask… what is the cure is for this!” I asked this of the one everyone called Fizzle, I pointed at my pink fur to make sure she knew what I was talking about.

“Well Jade and everyone else didn’t want to tell you, because you might ruin it by telling Blueblood what the solvent for the magical fur dye is.” This Fizzle was a rather gruff and blunt one wasn’t she? “Promise you’ll let Blueblood stew for another week or so with pink fur, then you can tell him the cure as well. I didn't like meeting him, he needs to be taken down a few pegs.”

“I actually promise not to tell that jerk anything.” Admittedly I didn’t like Blueblood, in fact he was the most self-centered pony in Canterlot. Once I got out of this crazy dimension, I was going back to Canterlot and scrubbing the pink out of my fur.

I’d even ignoring Blueblood once he finds out my fur is back to normal. Even if Cadence thought it looked adorable, I didn’t particularly like being pink personally even if I had nothing against it.

“It’ll be up to Celestia to eventually tell him then, she knows where Jade got the magical fur dye from. She apparently accidentally got covered in it one time and was called Pinklestia for a while. She visits Airship Mauled every now and then to see how we’re doing as a budding town.” She glanced at the other guards for some reason, I too looked to see that none of them were too close to us. “Tomato sauce, basically anything you’d put on a pile of spaghetti would work. One of the ingredients in magical fur die is skunk oil and a bath of tomato paste will clear the fur dye right out. I had wondered why Jade smelled like she’s been messily eating ravioli for a while, she probably spilled some on her fur to test it before her plot to turn Blueblood pink.”

“Thank you for telling me that, my fur was never meant to be pink.” That was an honest sentiment from me. I might be angry at Jade, but I couldn’t bring her up on any charges for covering us in paint or evading arrest.

When I asked Celestia about all that happened that night and why she just watched Jade escape on a unicycle to an airship, she just giggled at me and said that I couldn’t pin anything on Jade. Then explained all the thing Jade did to pull it off and why there wouldn’t be any repercussions.

Heck, I can’t even prove that she stole bits from more than half the nobles in the ballroom. All the nobles at the ball were trading bits all night and they didn’t want to press charges against her because it couldn’t be proven that she had stolen them. That and the nobles seemed panicked about the royal guard looking to closely into the bits that were trading hooves throughout the ball.

Jade may be a thief, a nuisance and a thorn in our sides, but she also obviously had something of a thing against the nobles in general and likely had a very good reason for it. We still didn’t know who upturned the tables and flung food at everyone’s faces, Jade and Fizzle were nowhere near those tables at the time.

I left the earth pony Fizzle to munch on her hay burger in peace to talk to my guys about how the perimeter is holding up. The badger barrier was holding, but that didn’t mean that other creatures didn’t try to get in even while the badgers were trying to hug them to death. The keyword is ‘trying’.

I’m so glad I talked Spitfire into going with them, I’d rather stay safe here and turtle up until the situation can be rectified. When I get out of here I’m going to go give Cadence a hug… after a tomato soup bath.

“Coo!” Gah, why does that turtle make bird noises or keep surprising me like that!? Also wasn’t it on the other side of the restaurant a minute ago? How fast did that turtle move and why did it always seem to be smiling at me?

-Jade-

“Is the mountain in the sky or is the world we were standing on the ceiling and the mountain is the right orientation?” I was currently sitting sideways on the upside down peak looking at the horizontal or upside down booth, it really depends on one’s orientation. Sekhet was also horizontal, but from her perspective I guess she’d see the booth as being upside down. “You know this is a really interesting world, for all the dangerous stuff we’ve been running into. So… since we went past plains full of fruit and now we’re getting on a mountain of a majestic looking purple color above them. Actually... would that put us above or below the fruited plains?”

“Whichever it is Jade, it matters little in our quest to get the Sieve Precarious and rescue the others still at the Hayburger. To that end I suggest we hurry, because I’m not exactly sure when the Sieve Precarious will seep back into Equestria.” With a tug, Sekhet pulled the wagon to her current orientation and the booth was now upside down for me too. “We should not dally here.”

“We’ve still got plenty of time Sek, enough to get eight hours of sleep in and change.” Though if I were honest with myself, I would rather not sleep and get the Sieve Precarious before we come across anything worse than we already have. As if the bright purple upside down mountain wasn’t bad enough.

“Even you should know that time does not work in a straightforward manner in this dimension.” Really Sek, because I can’t exactly tell how much time is passing between the two worlds. “Time can move backwards, go faster and even stop around us in some places here. Unlike Equestria, time is not a river here and if it was it’d be flowing in loops and going in random directions including the inverse of whatever time is and I do not wish to live through whatever that is. Getting to the Sieve Precarious in less than twenty four hours is a lot harder than you think it is.”

Okay, I can see where time not being straightforward here would be a bad thing. I didn’t say anything to her and just nodded, I understood the situation was pretty bad. At least we were doing quite well, she had said we were getting much closer now. Leg injury making me incapable of walking aside.

“I made a troll bash his own head in today, it was amazing and quite explicitly violent!” We get it Flamberge, you did a thing and were smart for once. One time does not mean you’re a genius! “I should wish it that we escape to be able to tell my Viking brothers of this grandiose adventure, so we must continue forward!”

“Or down… given that’s the general direction that our current orientation would have us go.” I watched as Maries pounced onto the peak and then oriented herself to walk down it and then eventually she was right side up with us.

“I don’t ever want to go on another adventure with any of you guys again, this entire dimension is making my head hurt.” Don’t worry Spitfire, you and Shining can get back to disliking me soon enough. Until then, we were special friends.

“I think that’s the point Spitfire.” I exclaimed, she groaned and then came down to us or was it up? This world was made to fry the brains of the logical. Good thing I wasn’t too attached to my logical side.

Once we were on our way, nothing much happened… well except for a worm like monster with two large legs jumping out at us. It wasn’t anything of note because it jumped too high and fell towards the ground above.

The monster just went outside the chaotic gravity field that kept us standing on the mountain, which Spitfire noted was as ridiculous as everything else we’ve seen and I had to agree with her.

Eventually Sekhet directed us into a cave that looked thirty feet long and we only walked five feet to the other end. Nobody said anything, but Spitfire was glancing backwards and then looked forwards as the cave exited into a brightly lit forest as if the sun were shining on it from the grey sky above.

Eventually the trees became solid walls of wood and we were stuck on the path until said walls opened up on a strange sight.

“If you weren’t here would we have been able to navigate this place at all?” Spitfire asked of Sekhet, she simply looked away and didn’t answer the question. That was telling in and of itself that we would have been stuck if it weren’t for her. We made our way past a gate into said strange sight. We all started passing through the gates in front of us. “So… is anyone going bother to explain how we went from an upside down floating mountain to a really thick forest that leads to a house with a… I want to say what looks like a large tea party and…? Oh no, not him again!”

It was Quitin the Quirky again, but he wasn’t alone as he was with a troll that looked to be inverse of him that was wearing a top hat and a monocle just to appear fancier than the other Quintin.

The troll with the red skin and green hair looked positively calm while drinking his tea in comparison to the ravening Quintin possibly drowning himself in three different pitchers pouring strange substances, which was decidedly not tea, into his mouth.

“Has anyone here heard of ‘Through the Looking-Glass’?” I asked as we looked upon the four large tables we were approaching that were loaded with tea sets of all kinds and it seemed way too… suspiciously orderly I want to say.

“You mean that book by Brewing Carol? Never read it, but I heard of it.” Maybe you should read it Spitfire, it would put some context to the situation we were about to get into. “Carol was better known for her singing and writing hearths warming songs.”

“Hello my dear chaps and ladies, welcome to our most profound angry tea party. I am the Nefariously Nihilistic Nice Nitniuq the Normal.” Nothing about this dimension was normal, even you weren’t normal by the definition of what goes on in this dimension. “I am pleased to make your acquaintance, I also don’t believe in that large furry creature standing next to you so she doesn’t exist in my world view. If she were capable of talking I’m pretty sure she would say something like, ‘I wish to exist’. What nonsense that is, something that doesn’t exist wishing to do so is quite bizarre.”

Sekhet just sighed audibly.

“Like a particular cheese, they got nothing to leak out their hearing holes and they are causing messes everywhere they go. I like them somewhat, but I still assert my reality where crows don’t exist! For I am Quick Quilting Quotable Quintin the Quirky!” Yep, they were both Quintin and we were literally seeing double.

“Nitniuq spelled backwards is Quintin isn’t it…” Once I said that, Flamberge, Maries and Spitfire groaned. It seemed my insight was going to be ignored by the two trolls.

“Ignore my associate please, he’s so almost sane it hurts just to be near him. I believe you’re the group looking to get the Sieve Precarious, you’re on the right track at the very least. Just have to go a little further to get to the volcano.” Ugh, why did Nitniuq tell us we have to go into a volcano? He must have notice my look because he addressed me. “Sorry, but those are the breaks my friends. Again, welcome to our angry tea party… we haven’t exactly gotten started yet. It is a very happy not a birthday for someone else though.”

“Why are you talking to the air? It’s got nothing to say.” Grumbled out Quintin as he ate a tea cup, fluids and all whole.

“What, no Marching Hare or Mad Hatter?” I asked blithely knowing we were about to be challenged to something just as inane as last time. “I was at least expecting them upon seeing the gate to this house and going through it.”

“Those two are exactly of whom I’m referring to. You see, the reason the Marching Hare isn’t here today is because he sprained one of his ankles and his entire rubber band is broken up over it. They so wanted to perform for you quaint visitors today, it’s quite sad.” The troll Nitniuq or as I’m going to pronounce it, ‘nitwit’, followed this up by pulling his hat from his head and placing it against his chest in a solemn manner. “As for the mad hatter, he came down with a very severe case of sanity and had to call in sick. So we’re filling in for them, I asked if it was okay if we do an ‘angry’ tea party instead of a ‘mad’ one and he was completely okay with it… but that was probably just the sanity talking. Poor fellow, I hope he gets better soon.”

I was more surprised by all that than I should have been, the troll simply slapped his hat back upon his head and titled it to us in a friendly manner. I finally notice the card in the hat that read, ‘temporary hatter‘.

“Okay, what do we have to do to get by you?” Spitfire surprised me, she was actually accepting the challenge this time? Also why did she sound so defeated about it, they weren’t that hard.

“Dangers you may find abound, for this time we brought trouble to these grounds. We will speed by making quick of light feet, to be faster than any humming bird would be quite neat. If you can beat us two in a pace, then you are certainly good at making a haste!” Throwing the saucer the tea cup had been sitting on into his mouth, Quintin crunched it loudly and swallowed. “The firefly already had a turn, there’s only two of you left to burn at the stake. Witches taste good roasted over a fire, I’m sure you’ll taste the same. First, angry tea party!”

“He means sandwiches and that we will be busy destroying everything in an angry manner.” Nitwit wanted to console us for some reason.

“The sand does make for pretty good filler.” Quintin stated with pride.

“Anyway you are welcome to join us for a literal smashing good time.” Nitwit stated with alacrity. “Angry tea parties involve destroying every tea set here as destructively as possible.”

“Paraphrasing Quintin, they want to race both Spitfire and Maries through what will be a fully lethal obstacle course to be first to the finish line or else they’ll attempt to cook us alive.” I really doubted that would be a problem

Author's Note:

Super Smash Brother Ultimate is fun.

Also the Legendary or Ace spirit fights are insane! To the point the game will kick your butt more than once.

Points like the M. Bison or the Pauline Spirit, which are legendary spirits so it's quite understandable that the difficulty is set to 'almost impossible'. Getting Ho-oh was less of a chore than getting Pauline and I still haven't beat the M. Bison spirit holder.

There's also things like the '9 and 18 volt' spirit being ridiculously difficult as well even when they aren't a legendary. Permanent assist trophies, when used against you, are absolutely horrifying to deal with unless you can take them out.

Then there's unlocking characters, the characters come at you at random with random AI settings outside of the single player 'adventure' mode. They can be set anywhere from 1 to 9, but they tend to get worse the more fighters you unlock.

Have you ever wondered how ruthless a Pichu can get when set to 9? If you play, you should be wary of it happening unless Pichu shows up early. Jigglypuff was also pretty bad for me.

Comments

[Booster Spice]

To win in a Pace reminds me of the old Mario, or was it Sonic Glitch? Where they used a small integer for position pointer and forget to check for out of bounds?

Also, smashing the teasets? Going Greek then?