Airship Mauled

by Darkonshadows

Chapter thirty four, Alpaca My Bags: Happy Trails.

-???-

Paprika Paca was somewhat emotionally smart, she was also a master fluffmancer with only a weakness to the stickiest of substances that would require she ditch some of her magically manipulated fur.

As far as this alpaca’s fighting style went, it consisted of hugs, kisses and hitting someone with her fluff to wear them down.

If one were to watch the path of one Paprika’s travel from Manehatten upon finding out that Velvet was nearby, one wouldn’t believe how she ended up in the path of both Velvet and Arizona in the first place.

To start off upon leaving to find Velvet Iceberg Deer, her first course of actions was to illogically jump into the nearby ocean and start swimming a straight line across the sea.

At some point she ended up meeting sea ponies, because she tuckered herself out with all the swimming.

One would ask how could Paprika survived the fact that she could no longer swim and avoid possibly drowning in the middle of the ocean in her search of Velvet.

The answer was simple, like anything Paprika does. Being a Fluffmancer could answer most problems that nature could possibly throw at Paprika or any fluffmancer worthy of their abilities.

As far as alpaca’s went, Paprika’s home was full of beings lacking most forms of what could be called survival instincts. They made up for lacking survival instincts with knowing how to love and peacefully adapt to outrageously dangerous environments.

In the case of surviving drowning and the incredible pressure at the bottom of the ocean where she started to hug and cuddle her way through thoroughly confused sea ponies she found. Paprika reconfigured her fur to be more compact and the portion wrapping the entirety of her head was turned into hydrofuge hairs.

The end result of this reconfiguration, alongside her body weight, let her stay at the bottom of the ocean. Her fur cushioned her against the incredible pressure placed on her already tough body and this kept her from being pulped. She had a strong bubble of air around her head that the pressure of the surrounding water miraculously couldn’t puncture through because of the thin hydrofuge hairs keeping said bubble from popping and immediately killing her.

It was the most ridiculous thing to think that an alpaca could create a scuba suit with only their fur, this was a capability that all Alpacas from Paprika’s tribe could feasibly have. Her entire tribe were all cuddly, friendly and stupidly gifted in this exact manner like she was.

Paprika was just an outlier of her tribe that decided to look beyond her quiet tribal life when she couldn’t find her one true love inside said tribe. Remarkably, when an alpaca finds their true love, their pupils change to the shape of hearts as they gazed upon those that would become forever close to their hearts.

It was with little imagination that it didn’t take Paprika long to run into Velvet in the reindeer settlement not too far away from her mountainous home. The exact very first reindeer she saw, finding Velvet to be the most huggable being in existence at first sight.

This is due in part to the fact that the reindeer was somewhat chronically depressed, not knowing what to do to fix said hidden depression the empathic Paprika went for the old standard for seeing one’s true love. Give them affection until they give up and let you continue to give them affection until the alpaca in question perishes.

Thus started Paprika’s mission in life to make her true love happy, which is why she periodically appeared in the reindeer village to shower Velvet with constant affection befitting that of a master fluffmancer.

Things didn’t go well the first dozen times, but since Velvet left her home she became open season for Paprika. Despite being frozen solid numerous times by multiple ice shaping reindeer, Paprika was never one to be deterred.

When Paprika heard that a winged turtle had led Velvet away from the town on an adventure, she sought out Velvet to give her constant affection where she believed that no one would interfere. This of course led to a fluffmancer being unleashed on the unwary and unfortunate world to freely give affection and love to everything around her almost without pause.

Getting back to the sea ponies, they eventually somehow managed to lose Paprika, the underwater snuggle assailant, in a volcanic vent. This was after she had already caused a partial collapse of the civilization in that given area entirely by accident.

The legend of the ‘hug monster’ would reach Queen Nova or Novo, whatever she called herself these days.

The volcanic vent should have killed Paprika. Fortunately fluffmancer powers were good at maintaining an average body temperature of the wielder despite being caught on entirely fire, while still completely underwater. Physics, reality and even a few gods cried that day at the impossibility of it all that Paprika managed to avoid absolute certain death out of sheer luck.

There were quite a few death gods whining about false alarms involving one of those danged alpaca’s traveling around dangerous places again.

The vent had a side tunnel that lead Paprika to ending up on a continent where the ponies previously fled the Wendigo’s told of in the tales of heart’s warming eve.

One wendigo tried to approach and freeze Paprika. After that, all the other wendigo’s avoided her like the plague, since she technically was one.

They had good reason to avoid Paprika when she created the exact inverse of a wendigo by force feeding it so much love that it exploded into flames of warmth and love. You know, instead of it dying outright and not causing even more problems like what happened in the hearths warming story ponies tell.

Like a viral infection, all wendigoes slowly fell to the ensuing plague of inverse wendigoes that hugged them into submission. Yes, Paprika had caused a lot of problems on the continent by just doing this alone, but the end results might not have been so bad actually.

At least the inverse wendigoes couldn’t kill anyone, though now the world had to deal with them spreading all over the place on that continent specifically.

The inverse Wendigoes eventually became known as Cupids, the world was eventually doomed to be swamped with them if not for the intervention of the gods.

The gods were allowed to keep them in check as a mortal performed a feat so powerful that it could have destroyed the delicate balance of the world. They were even allowed to use their full power to prevent the Cupids from multiplying out of control and to fix the mess Paprika left in her wake.

The gods prayed that Paprika never met another Wendigo, even the luck and chaos gods were whimpering at the thought that they couldn’t do anything to stop Paprika if she did. The love gods thought it was funny, but also a very much dire situation.

Paprika Continued on her path ignoring the trouble she caused numerous entities beyond her scope of simple understanding. She ended up wandering a few large loops around the continent until she ended up trying and somehow succeeding in swimming across the ocean again to the South Pole, she had actually struggled with this one a bit.

Paprika quickly became bored with an icy region where there wasn’t any food to be found, yet she somehow survived starvation by happenstance of find fruit still stuck inside her fur.

The death gods just threw up their hooves, paws, talons and what have you in consternation as they watched a creature with hardly any survival instincts survive so many situations.

The deaths gods even made a game of this, take a drink every time Paprika survived doing something stupid by the skin of her fleece or she randomly wandered into danger without a second thought.

Five death gods died in the course of the drinking game, over the course of seven days. The death gods who survived laughed at the irony and had to resurrect their fellow death gods.

Having swam her way to a place near the dragon lands and ended up in Longma territory, Paprika would continue to hug, snuggle, kiss and make a nuisance of herself. The poor Longma had no idea how to handle her, trying to burn her alive didn’t seem to be working very well.

Their best fighter Tianhuo managed to eventually miraculously drive the overly affectionate alpaca off, after three days of nonstop fighting. Tianhuo had even starting counting how many times she had been kissed, hugged and or snuggled throughout their mighty battle, she hadn’t even won that fight and figured that the alpaca was just toying with her.

Tianhuo was right, Paprika had enjoyed the playful days of constant wrestling, but Tianhuo was just not her type. Her pupils had only shifted into hearts for Velvet so far. Still, she freely gave her affection to the Longma that seemed to have been aggressively asking for it.

Somehow managing to cut across an entire continent in five hours, a merrily bouncing Paprika hopped her way into a large hive like structure with shifting holes all over it in the Equestrian Badlands.

Yes, she found Queen Chrysalis’s changeling hive.

The death gods prayed that the changelings ended Paprika, they weren’t so lucky and even with all the luck gods having directed her there for that very purpose. The luck gods didn’t care if they were punished for this, the mortal had to be brought down before she could grow too strong!

One might think that Velvet was exaggerating when she thought of Paprika as an eldritch abomination, some of the death gods were even beginning to come to the same conclusion with what happened next.

The changelings were horribly confused when the alpaca came into their hive, at first they thought she was one of them bringing in massive amounts of love.

None of them thought anything was stupid enough to just wander into a place so desolate and love starved as their hive, even animals weren’t that dumb. Paprika wasn’t an animal and alpaca’s ‘could be’ as smart as ponies.

After three days of hugging, cuddling, kissing and loving, they realized that the thing that wasn’t running out of love was not in fact one of their own. This happened when Paprika gave Chrysalis tongue for five minutes, then giggled as she ran off.

The changelings had all previously thought that she was a really good method actor as a changeling infiltrator, upon kissing Queen Chrysalis they quickly realized that she wasn’t one them at all.

The resulting chase throughout the hive had been fun for Paprika and the changelings exhausted eighty percent of the love Paprika had given them freely in said chase. The wasted love was in effort of trying to capture the endless love battery that had slept among them for a number of days without them realizing it.

In the end, Paprika escaped cleanly with a smile on her face while leaving a confused and somewhat happy changeling named Thorax behind her. She gave him an affectionate snuggle, before she started to bounce away from the hive with a happy smile on her face.

Thorax would go on to become a leader of his people, having eventually learned that love shared is better than love taken.

The next adventure saw Paprika crossing paths with a sorrowful Daring Do, sorrow did not compute to Paprika and she thus followed Daring Do around trying to cheer her up. This was despite Daring Do’s insistence that she would rather work alone than endanger someone again, especially after she had been witness to Jade’s certain demise and was almost killed herself by a wild animal.

Daring Do didn’t need to worry, nothing bad would happen to Paprika even after she started cuddling with two of Ahuizotl’s most dangerous cats that were his minions. Nuzzling a tiger and or Panther was not conducive to living for very long, but Paprika made for an excellent distraction to get the next clue to the 'End of Immortality'.

It was not long after that that Daring Do finally realized exactly what she had to do to get rid of the accursed alpaca named Paprika. Daring simply gave Paprika a hug and a real smile, then call her a good friend.

The alpaca figured her business with this traveling pony was done and wandered off, much to Daring Do’s relief.

Paprika then ended up in Appleoosa, after a whole mess of things happened that led to her putting the absolute fear of alpaca’s into all tatzlwurms and their tongues, two minutes after Arizona and Velvet had just left.

Thanks to the previous interaction with said Tatzlwurms, Arizona and Velvet would manage to reach the meadow hills heading towards the lambkin settlement unimpeded.

After getting away with her general shenanigans of affectionately messing with the locals, she set off straight east upon smelling Velvet in the given area of the train station.

In the days it took Velvet and Arizona, to reach said grassy hills, Paprika had circumnavigating the entire planet while heading east the entire time. Paprika was heedless of all the obstacles in her way that she needed to subdue with her boundless love and affection.

Some love gods were just contemplating ascending Paprika to their status at this rate, but they figured it would be an absolutely horrible idea to do so. It would have been impossible to keep Paprika contained.

Paprika swam across the ocean twice more, having figured out the trick to not grow tired while on the water which again involved the use of the ever so useful ability to create hydrofuge hairs on a larger scale than that of insects.

She ran around two different continents and if one were try to map her progress they’d see ‘aca’ and ‘pla’ spelled in large cursive letters with her movements across said continents.

Then she started slow down as she came across the lambkin village. Instead of terrorizing them like she usually would anyone else, she would instead fall asleep for eight hours there. She had spent the most of last few days or so without sleep.

She would leave the lambkin completely unmolested, none of them looked like they needed love or affection and they were all already quite fluffy.

Waking up, Paprika traveled east once more and eventually ended up in the meadow hills, east of the lambkin settlement where she stopped by a stream before the badlands and desert heading back towards Appleoosa.

That’s when Velvet and Arizona came across her playing in the dandelions and chasing butterflies cutely.

-Paprika-

Lick, lick, water tasty and fresh. Flutters are pretty, following the flap flaps! Oh, stop to sniff the flowers!

“Achoo!” Ooh… floaty flowers! Sniff some more maybe?

Wait… smelly smell, Reindeer smell, exactly like Velvet!

Laser guided focus activate!

I turned to where the smell was coming from, see reindeer ducking behind a… behind a… she’s beautiful like reindeer.

My pupils go heart, means those two are both meant for Paprika! I am being lucky to be finding them, I get two different beings to dote on!

I go show appreciation for existence with the actions befitting all alpaca kind.

Love time!

“Whatever you do, don’t underestimate her!” Velvet was telling other love.

“I can take her easily." Says other love. "To get to Velvet you have to go through me first!”

I have to prove strength of love?

Okay!

Author's Note:

Arizona Vs. Paprika

What music will I use to represent Paprika? I'm thinking Tekken.

Comments

[Booster Spice]

ROTFLMAO.

I havent laughed this much in ages. Complete total and utter insanity. No wonder Discord broke free, the gods had to let him free to calm things down.

[MadHadder]

Five death gods died in the course of the drinking game, over the course of seven days. The death gods who survived laughed at the irony and had to resurrect their fellow death gods.

Lol. If GODLESS's plan is to rid the world of gods. Killing them won't be an option.

[TDR]

I feel Discord would be loving this. or terrified of some one upsuring his throne of randomness

[The Faceless Maker]

Some love gods were just contemplating ascending Paprika to their status at this rate, but they figured it would be an absolutely horrible idea to do so. It would have been impossible to keep Paprika contained.

Already impossible...

[Shadowshame]

At least the alpaca isn't floofy (that is an actual word as is floof I checked) enough to float in the air then she would be completely impossible to contain think about it those Pegasi that stay up in cloudsdail will never know the snuggly horror that is paprika

[The Scarlett Mare]

Yes, she found Queen Chrysalis’s changeling hive.

That's what I thought

[Elderlichlord]

I know that the whole disappearance of Jade ting is like really important to the story and all, but this is making me sad seeing all of these adventures and changes without her, so I’m going to take a break from reading this for a while. Her disappearance and the subsequent dispersement of the characters across the world really hits me in the feels. However this is a really great story, so. Congratulations 🎊🎈🎉🍾! It has been a while since a story has caused me to be so invested.

[Fresnor]

Just wait until the death gods learn that the one above them, the literal embodiment of Death, has an alpaca as a companion.

[Velvet-Fresh]