Airship Mauled

by Darkonshadows

Chapter twenty five, Hayburger Havoc: Breakfast.

-Kuril, before sunrise-

My kitten had a lot of fun yesterday, she was going to be doing homework once she comes home from Hayburger today and well into the evening tonight. Thankfully most of it isn’t math homework, Cheerilee isn’t a cruel pony and my kitten will be able to do most of it.

Ponies cease going to school around the age of sixteen, because by then a pony usually has their cutie marks and know exactly what they want to do in life and can get training geared towards using their particular skillset.

Pinkie still went to school, but when she finished she knew exactly what she was going to do already. She was an apprentice baker and her special talent was making parties, which leads into her main ability of raising morale and lowered moods.

Unlike other species, ponies usually used their talents in their vocations. Rarely do you get ponies who get jobs outside their special talents, but it did happen from time to time. Usually it happened if a pony had a special talent not conducive to earning their way in life or they can’t find a way to sell their talent for enough monetary gain to make a living.

Abyssinian’s were different, I think one of the reasons why Jade wanted to move here was to avoid the year of vocational hunting most kittens do before they became adults. In fact, my suspicions about my daughter wanting to solely play with pretty mares was the reason we came here. It helps that ponies are easy to befriend unless you meet the occasional pony that’s a total jerk.

I had no idea what my daughter was going to do with the rest of her life, but she liked making plans and working with her claws. In fact, she was living up to being a rogue, but that was primarily a classification of how she’d like to make her life choices. Having come to Equestria, she gets to avoid the job hunting and can continue to just be a plain ridiculous roguish nuisance.

Even if she’s not perfect, she’s still my kitten.

My reason for being up early this morning, at least earlier then Jade or the others were going to be, was so that I could get started on breakfast.

Fresh Start apparently woke up three minutes before I did, I swear there isn’t a pony more willing to get up earlier than anyone else. So I let her handle breakfast, she practically begged me with her eyes. She was such a sweet friend.

I sat at the table relaxing, because I wasn’t about to go back to sleep since I would be needed to wake up my children and Maries. Jade was snuggled up against a chimera in bed and I wasn’t worried one bit about that fact at all. Maries needed some cuddle time after Jade spent an entire day with Fizzle doing romantic things.

That balancing act was going to falter at some point, I’m surprised they are all reasonable teenagers and weren’t going to have a row over anything… am I really so lucky to have well-adjusted individuals to take care of? Technically Fizzle was easy to rile up, Jade liked to do playful annoying things all the time and somehow Maries was the calm logical one in their relationship.

I heard a knocking on the door as I snickered at my previous thought. How does my daughter handle having four girlfriends?

I opened the door and blinked a bit to get an idea of what I was seeing.

Oh look, the royal guard is outside my beloved establishment.

“Yes, can I help you sir?” I addressed the unicorn that obviously had to be Shining Armor.

“I’m Shining Armor and we’re here because we heard Jaded La Perm lives around here.” Oh great, revenge seekers. This Shining Armor was barking up the wrong tree and brought a sizeable number of guards with him. It’s not like my daughter annoys enough people on a daily basis to warrant this much attention. “Given you’re an Abyssinian, I’m to take it that she lives here?”

“Ah yes, my daughter is still asleep and I don’t suggest assaulting her room. She’s snuggling with a chimera at the moment, I mean that literally. There is a chimera in her room and they are sleeping together in the same bed. The chimera might not take it too well if you were to attack them at the moment.” I wasn’t going to hide my daughter’s overly odd relationship with them, besides they were too comfortable to wake up yet. If these yahoo’s thought that they could come into my home and mess with me, my family or my kitten, even if was entirely warranted knowing Jade’s tendencies towards being slightly evil, then I would simply protect them. “I know she’s wounded your pride, mostly by escaping all of you while staying on a unicycle the entire time of all things, but I will ask all of you to drop it or else.”

“Or else what ma’am?” Shining narrowed his eyes at me, his brilliant pink fur glittering in the moonlight.

“One, I’ll never tell you how to clean the magical fur dye out.” Freezing up in front of me, he considered my words.

“I can live with that.” He said after a moment while giving me a hard stare.

“Quick question before my next point sir, did some of those guards turn into frogs for five minutes? I believe it was around what would be described as a blue mushroom cloud?” I was curious to hear how my recent attempt at turning things into frogs went. I was going to master one of the most legendary talents of a witch, even if it takes me forever!

“They turned into Blue Jays for three hours.” He said blandly, I snap my claws in disappointment.

“Darn and I’m so close too, I just know it! I can turn a ponies into a mice, yet I can’t do frogs?” Mice just wasn’t good enough for me, even if it was one of the things witches can turn other beings into. “What kind of witch am I! Still, it’s good to know the effects of that particular mix… ahem… anyway… what? Do I have something in my fur?”

Why were all the ponies suddenly giving me uncomfortable stares and looking a bit frightened? It’s not like I eat mice, well not when Fluttershy’s befriended most of the rodents in this area and is fluent in their language. I’m okay with a fish based diet.

“Two, I’m the mayor of Airship Mauled and an Equestrian citizen I can deny you entry into my establishment on multiple levels and being the highest form of government around, I can order you back to Canterlot.” I smiled and stepped outside the door. “So I can effectively sue all of you if you force your way inside, home invasion is frowned upon by equestrian citizens and I will make a circus of it.”

“Which would mean Jaded is a lot like you in a lot of ways and I’m now completely horrified by the idea.” Purring at Shining’s compliment and spooked look, I sat down in front of the door. He shook his head and regained composure. “Say we ignore those consequences, what then?”

“Why thank you for the compliment.” Growling this out affectionately, I stretched out and gave the guards a calm, if evil, growing smile that had them nervous. “Third thing, you are supposed to protect equestrian citizens in danger correct? So that means if a freak sudden assault by an outside force were to happen on our town this morning for no apparent reason, you’d have to protect all of the residents here.”

“Yes… we would have to do that. I can’t quite see that happening on command so it would behoove us to protect you and yours… including, begrudgingly enough, Jaded ‘freaking’ La Perm herself.” He sighed loudly while shaking his head. “Should something like that hypothetically happen within those given parameters, then yes we would be honor bound to save everyone from the danger.”

“Oh good, because our town frequently gets attacked by…” I paused stood up and backed towards the door and through it while inhaling. “HIGHLAND PUKWUDGIES!”

I quickly slammed the door and locked it, I then proceeded to go help Fresh Start with breakfast while not thinking about what I just did. It was both cruel and unusual of me, using our frequent aggressors like that in such a banal manner.

-Shining-

“Well that was…” I was about to say 'strange' to my fellows before an arrow hit the dirt next to my hooves, then the sound of war drums and bagpipe music started up.

-An hour or two later, Jade-

I whistled as I walked by the thoroughly wrecked royal guards and a bunch of unconscious kilt wearing mutant hedgehogs with tiny weapons. I felt pretty sorry for them, the pukwudgies that is. I almost felt kind of mad at mom for using them like that, but it was certainly hilarious.

“Yeah, those guys are pretty rough in a fight.” I continued on my way. Jacky couldn’t fly the airship today, Dr. Bones orders for her recent unicycle injury to the beak and skull. We’d be having Fortitude watch the airship today while we were busy at the restaurant.

“Hate… you…” Spitfire stated from the ground with a multitude of somewhat tiny harmless arrows sticking out of her feathers in many odd angles, read: actually toothpicks, which were deep enough to be uncomfortable as to be painful and not enough to be dangerous in a life threatening manner. “So… much…”

“One day, we will get you back for everything… somehow.” Shining grumbled while covered in Pukwudgie spines. His barriers at this point in the timeline could only take so much punishment from being swarmed, which is what obviously happened.

“Love you too Spite Fire and Dented Armor. I humbly thank you for valiantly protecting our town from such a dangerous constant menace.” They did attack even when we didn’t call them by talking about them, but it was more of an annual attack instead of a sudden one. My mom kind of summoned a huge number of them. “Off to work at Hayburger mom, see you this evening and thanks for a wonderful breakfast like always!”

“May you live in interesting time daughter of mine!” Ah yes, my mom just decided to get revenge for the guards on their behalf. She was even smiling brightly about it.

“I know for a fact that nothing crazy can happen to you today mom!” Turnabout was fair play and my mother winced as she waved me onwards, the wince became worse when she heard an elephant blowing its nose in the distance.

The super thief elephant was back and my mom would have to deal with his highly annoying shenanigans today.

-Hayburger, Flamberge-

It was a good day to be working at the Hayburger! It was a job most welcome to my talents as 'Flamberge, the Fiercely Flammable'! It was great exercise for my flame breath, I enjoyed broiling the hay patties that Blade sent into the air with great accuracy!

There was a tapping at the take away window.

I, however, did not see anything there with my mighty and amazing Viking eyes!

Going over to it, I opened it with an amazing haste! I didn’t see anyone and then I was suddenly covered in a viscous substance that smelled something suspiciously like lamp oil.

It was only through my quick reflexes, reflexes not nearly as fast as Gene’s but still quite potent, that I caught the next thing that came through the open window. It was a lit torch.

It took me a moment for my incredible genius mind to catch up with what was happening here… I was currently set on fire. I… was… on… fire?

“Someone help me! I’m on fire, I’m on fire, I’m on fire, oh for all that is the heavenly beauteous large Yak Valkyries I’ve been set ablaze!” I heroically started to run in circles, making sure the rest of the kitchenette area did not catch fire like I miraculously had. I most certainly wasn’t panicking out of control and causing my coworkers to duck for cover as my arms flailed all over the place.

“Flamberge, stop.” At Fizzle’s calm and very stern command from the frying station, I froze in my tracks. I almost did so in mid-air, defying this pesky thing known as physics that I still don’t quite get. Fortitude ignores that all the time and he gets along pretty well by himself, so why couldn’t I?

I fell to the floor standing and turned to her, I at least unfortunately understood the power of gravity. Unlike Fortitude who can walk off cliffs and not fall, because he’s never studied law like the mighty chimera that is our manager!

“Yes, oh beloved compatriot of the food making hut Fizzle!?” I was still kind of on fire here.

“You’re a dragon.” Why did Fizzle need to tell me that, I knew I was a dragon.

“Yes and you’re point is? I’ve been set horribly aflame by some villainous cur and am in danger, being burnt by the ravening flames to a blackened husk!” There was a short silence and compatriot Fizzle slapped her face with a hoof before turning to Maries. Maries slapped three paws to all of their heads and even Blade and Jade had the same reaction to slap a limb to their foreheads. I did not understand this, why were they all doing that? “I’m still on fire here and am in danger!”

“Maries, for the love of our sanity, please manage the idiot while I get him another work shirt and hat. Also that is coming out of his pay.” Why did Fizzle see fit to call me names?! I was not understanding what the problem was here. I certainly understood that paying for work clothes if my previous were damaged, or in this case burnt off in an arson incident, requires that it come from my earnings even if it was not my fault. “Also explain it to him slowly and concisely why his panicking could have been more dangerous than what is currently occurring.”

“Flamberge, follow us out back and do exactly what we say!” Seeing fit to listen to the beast that is as strong as she is wise and beautiful, I went out the back door to the food hut following them.

I did so worrying about the flames still licking at my scales.

“Flamberge, stop, drop and roll in that mud puddle.” An activity for small ones, why would Maries want me to do that?

“Why would I do that Maries?” My asking of this was as loud as usual, she gave me a disappointed look for some reason.

“To put out the fire.” Marie, their tail, said quite slowly.

I blinked… ah… makes sense now that I consider it. I Dove into the puddle and rolled around, soon I was dripping with mud.

“Breathe fire all over yourself.” Maria stated flatly as if annoyed, I proceeded to do so baking myself into a muddy cocoon that broke apart and started to flake off from my glorious form!

“Now wipe off all the dried mud and don’t forget to wipe your feet before going back inside.” Why did Mara seem angry with me?

One explanation later and I was blushing… vibrantly!

Author's Note:

Ready for more Hayburger? Jade and friends certainly aren't.

Comments

[Sigmacipher]

An arsonist huh? This could be a problem.

[Booster Spice]

Oh dear, Flamberge is arsonisting it around, and Shining Armor is getting to be able to practise his I Hate Those Hedgehogs speech.

Given this story is drifting into certain unreal realms, especially with those quotes, any chance of when Shining goes into Hayburger, at least one of the other entities at the counter is asking for a curry. Or even Klatchian Hot Sauce. After all, Pinkie had to have got it from somewhere, or maybe vice versa?

[Vash_ts]

Jade should be careful, treating highly trained lawful good soldiers (for a certain value of trained) like that, is how you get karma bites and insane supervillains

[Shadowshame]

9556488
Don't you mean Kuril cause it was Jade's mother that summoned the pukwudgies not Jade herself