Airship Mauled

by Darkonshadows

Chapter Seventy Four, Honey Moon’d: Young.

Author's Note:

Fizzy sees her spirit animal in the urban wilds of Las Pegasus.

-Six hours later, Las Pegasus, Food Court, Fizzle-

“Jade… shouldn’t we put a stop to this?” This was getting a bit ridiculous and I was wondering why we were not trying to put a stop to all of it. “Things are worse than they were at breakfast.”

Also Luna was interfering with our honeymoon, we were watching what amounts to world’s longest train wreck. Alicorn stamina, plus coffee, espresso and tons of sugar? Not a good combination.

“What are you talking about Fizzy, things are perfectly fine.” Jade took a sip of her milkshake when something else was destroyed, Maries and I followed along with our own milkshakes. My herd and I all cringed and took another sip as something else was destroyed. I sent a flat look to Jade. “Hey, don’t look at me like that! You’re the one who put me on the spot and asked me to think of a plan, do you really think I can come up with a decent plan off the top of my head in under a minute? I know I’m good, but it takes a while to really get a plan cooking and I’m not exactly motivated here. My current plan is going just fine… mostly because I find this hilarious.”

While I loved my kitty dearly, things were definitely out of control. I took a sip of my milkshake as I sat at the table watching what amounted to a destruction derby going on in the food court.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have put that ghost costume on Luna?” A less than amused Mara muttered, mostly because of the two hours of effort it took to even get the costume on Luna.

“She wouldn’t be a ‘mystery’ if she didn’t wear a monster costume and scared some ponies though.” One could obviously see the truth of this situation Maria, because it seemed like Jade pawned the problem off on a bunch of poor saps.

“I’m... brain freeze… can we... stop playing this... drinking game where we... take a sip every single time Luna breaks something?” Whined Marie who didn’t like cold things and was for some reason wearing a top hat. Maries had three milkshakes, mostly because Jade insisted on one for Marie for a reason that was fairly obvious to me. “Also when did you... put this on my head Jade?”

“What makes you think I put that utterly adorable top hat on your head Marie?” Jade, like math, you likely couldn’t save your life with a falsely innocent look like that if you actually tried. While it was cute, Marie wasn’t buying it all. “Darn it, I thought the brain freeze would be enough to not notice it.”

“Jade, is this drinking game seriously a plan to get me to wear a top hat!” Groused out Marie, but I noted that she didn’t try to shake off the hat. Jade gave a small, cheerful, nod. “Can you at least tell me why we’re not trying to contain Luna ourselves?”

“I have several reasons to avoid having us take on Luna personally. Let me start off with talking about Stochastic. Stochastic wasn’t a natural born alicorn, she didn’t know how to control the powers that were forced upon her and she was also mostly fueled by rage and mental breakage. All of which I could plan for and around.” Yes, that was all fairly obviously to us after what you did Jade. What’s the point though? “I know that’s obvious Fizzy. Planning for Luna is completely different, she knows how to use her power, has been an alicorn for a long time and nobody here wants her to backslide Nightmare territory. On top of that, do you currently see how fast she is actually moving?”

Luna blurred by us squealing with pure joy, said squeal sounded like a monstrous banshee had been unleashed amongst the populace of Las Pegasus. Speaking of, a lot of the ponies that were scared of her went back to normal as soon as she went out of sight.

Ponies here were far less skittish than they should be, but I guess the old adage of ‘what happens in Las Pegasus, stays in Las Pegasus’ is true.

“I don’t actually have a feasible plan to deal with this and am relying on the absurdity of getting a ghost costume on her to attract mystery solving teams to detain her by labeling her a ‘mystery’.” It was a completely absurd thing and to my utter shock that Jade actually made ponies show up to do just that. The only problem is they weren’t very effective at the moment. “Well at least one part of it has worked, we got some mystery solving teams that are actively trying to slowing her down… vaguely.”

I just turned my gaze to the incompetent teams of mystery solving ponies Jade was talking about, they all shared a gimmick in having unusual sidekicks.

There was a unicorn mare with glasses, with short auburn mane, decent length tail and orange fur. Next to her was an earth pony stallion with an orange ascot, blond hair and white fur. Next to him was a red headed pegasus mare with a purple fur and a green scarf. The final pair in that particular team were an earth pony stallion with green and red fur with a messy brown mane and tail, next to him was an upset looking large poodle with black fur and brown spots.

“Can we not do this?” For a dog the poodle spoke eloquently and was a bit large for her species size. Note, it wasn’t a Diamond Dog. It was a regular dog that could vocalize speech which was mildly odd for a regular animal, because she certainly shouldn’t have the capacity for that kind of vocal range. “It’s just going to end the same way you know, with all of you ignoring the actual supernatural stuff that happens around us and your more surprised by the completely mundane stuff! Sure we make money off catching criminals, but it’s ridiculous how many times this kind of ploy has happened in an upbeat economy such as ours.”

“Sorry Poofy Skew, but would you be more willing to do this for a Poofy Snack?” The mare with the glasses shook a box in front of Poofy, the poodle did not look amused.

“I swear, it’s always bribing me with Poofy Snacks with you Privacy Eyes!” The poodle muttered.

“I’ll take a Poofy Snack!” The green and ready stallion stated.

“Oh you would Hungry Hushpuppy, I swear you’d eat almost anything… including that mysterious talking sandwich you summoned with your mind and then consumed. You didn’t even seem to care that it was screaming for help as you swallow its olive eyes or the fact that the mustard jar was an accomplice in what was edible murder!” The poodle seems kind of disgruntled with her pony friends. “Nobody ever talks about it or ever brings up the mysterious floating mustard jar… that’s still following us around to this day for crying out loud!”

I looked at the floating mustard jar the dog was pointing to, no unicorn was levitating it and it was just floating there.

“Calm down Poofy! Hungry likes it and if we call too much attention to it, it might go away and never spread its mustard evenly on any of our sandwiches again.” The green scarfed Pegasus mare stated. “We know it’s not supernatural at all, it’s obviously a unicorn using some stealth technology that has been following us around all this time.”

I don’t know what was worse, the implied sapience of the mustard jar had or the ignoring the mystery of its very existence just for the apparently infinite free mustard. That, I don’t think my brain could handle the sheer nonsense of the group that the poodle was clearly putting up with. That wouldn’t be the weirdest thing I was currently witnessing within the area of the food court, but it was up there.

“Don’t tell me to calm down Fashionably Flighty, all of you don’t realize how awful it is that you keep pushing me into doing the finances for all of us! I’m a normal dog that can talk, doesn’t that bother any of you that I never actually learned to talk or read and yet I can do both perfectly? Doesn’t that seem a bit mysterious or worth looking into?!” The poodle seemed fairly irate about this, the group of ponies just shrug at her. “I’m the only one keeping this team, if we can call it that, afloat! How many times have I rescued you from being kidnapped, tied up and then threatened with being tickled to death? Why are there so many freaking Pegasus feather cults in South Western Equestria anyway? Do they always have to have a kidnapped lambkin when we stumble upon them? There’s mysteries here that you are completely ignoring for what amounts to some costumed pony doing idiotically evil stuff in costumes for money, when they could just be earning far more money legitimately with their amazingly ridiculous and varied cutie mark given talents?!”

“Wasn’t the last tickle to death cult building burned down by a Longma because they kidnapped her girlfriend from Huoshan during our ‘Heckling Hermit’ Caper?” Hungry stated while rubbing at the few beard hairs on his chin and his brown eyes looking towards the ceiling. “Also didn’t that lambkin’s last name sound somewhat tasty to anyone or was it just me?”

“I know what we can do to stop the Menacing Mad Mare… let’s make a trap!” The ascot wearing earth pony stated while slapping his right hoof into his left.

“Trap Complex, I swear, that’s all you ever suggest!” The poodle named Poofy looked like she was starting to get into a rant about her group, even as she took the offered Poofy Snack. “You build a trap that’s so complicated, it usually catches a combination of me or everyone else but the problem. It’s bad enough that you trap every single place we visit to the point that even Pinkie Pie couldn’t get through all of them! It’s like any building you enter, you just think… hey, let’s set this place up with traps, some so complicated I have no idea how they are ever supposed to work in the first place, because it might be visited by comically poor villainous idiots that don’t know how to use their talents correctly!”

“I like making traps though…” Trap Complex whined while giving the dog big adorable eyes.

“I love you guys and you are all my friends, but you’re all idiots… except Privacy Eyes. She actually has ‘some’ detective skills, but doesn’t believe magic exists and she’s a, excuse my language here, freaking bucking unicorn that uses magic on a daily basis!” That dog must be an amazing friend, I feel a connection between us like no other. Having to deal with the insanity of loving people who love to cause you misery in quirky ways while being adorable about it. “I mean she believes in hauntings, ghosts, living skeletons and the supernatural, but she prefers to look for inane stuff using her magic by levitating thing all over the place to look for clues!”

“Eh, I don’t know what you are talking about. Unicorns don’t actually levitate things with magic, unicorns can only lift things with strings attached to their horns and an application of simple physics.” Stated Privacy in a matter of fact tone as she closed up a hoagie that had just been slathered with mustard by the haunted mustard pot and levitated said sandwich to her mouth to take a bite out of it. “Most of the glowing horns thing is probably done with incredibly advanced technology and glow sticks. I still have yet to find the technology behind my incredible horn, but I hope to one day find the one who implanted the technology in there.”

The rather irate looking Poofy slowly calmed down somewhat and sighed while rubbing her head with her paws.

“I bet the Trouble Troopers don’t have to deal with this kind of stuff on a daily basis… at least they have a chipmunk named Utensil that can make almost anything and their team has pretty good cohesion.” Muttered Poofy. “I really should have taken Colby Jack’s job offer… but these guys wouldn’t survive a week without me. At least their stupidly lucky antics will make a good book series.”

“Yeah, that group is pretty interesting…” Jade muttered before Luna crashed through them at high speeds sending them scattering about.

“Poofy Skew, where are you?!” Hungry shouted as the bulky poodle the size of a Great Dane was suddenly missing from the group.

I decided to turn my attention away from the fascinating life of that poor poodle who felt like she was a platonic soul mate to me, to the other mystery groups that were in the area.

“Here you go Hammer-maw!” Apparently this group was made of a band of near adult fillies and colts, said band had a pet great white shark that ate hammers of all kinds and they arrived in a submarine that fell from the sky. One of them even looked like Hungry’s cousin. “Now tell us the secret to stopping the Menacing Mad Mare.”

The shark lifted itself up on the edge of the fountain and cleared its throat.

“The one of stars aligned and silver guidance needs a powerful enough tranquilizer dart to stop a super thief elephant. For she has ingested many cubes, creameries and black mashed beans, gluck-gluck-gluck!” The shark finished off by dunking its head into the water to refresh its drying gills.

“I did not understand a word of that.” A sarcastic sounding mare with the long black mane stated.

“I think he says we need to go back to the ocean and to help Queen Novo or is it Nova?” The Hungry lookalike stated while shivering nervously. “Anyway, that we need to help her with the most recent super villain… I believe it was called The Demon Paca? It sounds really scary, like it wants to hug me against my will.”

“That’s not what I said at all… clearly the flowing mane and triumvirate of the late sky needs to be calmed down by method of forced sleep.” Hammer-maw stated flatly.

“We have to leave immediately?” Hungry’s cousin stated. Okay, these mystery teams were highly incompetent. “Why didn’t you say so?!”

I turned my gaze to the last group as I took one long drag on my still cold, somewhat melted, milkshake.

“Can we go fast, want to go fast, fast, be quick, I was built for it!” Was that an animate talking wagon? Also there was another suspiciously familiar resemblance to Hungry.

“Hold on Quick Wagon, I’m still trying to figure out the logistics of how we’re going to catch up with the monster.” The third Hungry family resemblance stated with his own group.

“Jade, I know this might be a horrible idea… but can we call it a day here and just go back to our hotel room?” I received a swift nod in response, we finished our milkshakes then left.

-The next morning-

Cat tongues are wonderful…

“Huzzah, rejoice, for I have successfully celebrated The Honey of Moon!” Luna stated jovially.

“Should we tell her all honeymoons last a week?” I stated jokingly.

“Truly?” Luna shouted gleefully. “Then I shall endeavor to find more espresso and sugar!”

“Fizzy!” My mates shouted harshly.

I winced audibly.

Comments

[Shadowshame]

This reminds me of that one Scooby doo mystery incorporated episode that was animated in the old style and involved a bunch of mystery solving groups

[Booster Spice]

Scooby Doo and crew I recognise, but the cart thing I seem to remember something about a Dune Buggy? no idea about teh Shark as Im stuck on Street Sharks. Which wernt exactly a Mystery crew?

Fizzy should be glad luna didnt lock onto the actual hony moon. As in Moon duration.

[Vinyl Mix]

For those of you curious:

1. Scooby-Doo
2. Jabberjaw
3. Speed Buggy

And yes, they were all created by Hannah-Barbara, though scooby doo came first and the rest were attempts to reinvigorate the idea

Honestly I recognized the first and last, but had to look around for jabberjaw