Airship Mauled

by Darkonshadows

Chapter twenty three, Hayburger Helpers: Menial savior.

-Fizzle-

“No I don’t have a warrant because I don’t need one and I don’t need prior warning to perform an inspection, I am Inspector Closure and I will be let in to inspect the establishment!” Did this stallion seriously think he could get one by me? As bored as I was, dealing with a little trouble today would make mine.

Oh goddesses, one of the reasons I was attracted to Jade was that she was a magnet for excitement. What is my life that I am actively looking forward to a series of weird stuff happening or a date that possibly ends in an explosion or worse? It's Jade’s turn to ask me on a date and she hasn’t yet. I can wait for it, though the anticipation was kind of getting to me.

“Do you have your identification on you at the moment?” Oh he didn’t seem to like that question, not that I was going to oblige him anything today. He was way too suspicious in that trench coat. Did health and safety inspectors always dress in trench coats, fedoras and the like? “If not, then I am sorry sir, you’d have to take it up with management as to whether or not you will be allowed in the back.”

“I’d like to see you’re manager, then!” Mr. Closure didn’t answer my question I noticed, in fact he avoided the fact that he didn’t have any identification or a search warrant on him at the moment.

Interesting, but that didn’t mean anything yet. Better keep acting in an entirely annoying calm and stoic manner, but I was definitely going to call him out on it.

“Maries we, miraculously enough, have a second idiot that thinks he’s the second coming of Princess Celestia and above the rules and laws of the land!” I heard them grunt something back to me, they had to be busy with the garbage at the moment. There was some trash I’d wish they take out right here, because he was holding up the line and we weren’t being paid to sit here and gab with some idiot. “Now please order something or stop blocking up the line sir and stand off to the side to wait for our manager to talk to you.”

“I’ll see you canned for your incompetence.” He grumbled angrily and did as I said, but he didn’t look happy about it. “You’re manager will have to listen to me.”

“Okay, who’s ordering next?” I ignored him and a mare moved forward and started to tell me her order, like Maries would actually fire me. The so called inspector would be more likely to figure out how Jade got us these jobs in the first place.

There was also the fact that I have yet to get an order wrong and I have yet to drop the ball, we were doing well today and there was no reason to fire any of us. Aside from advertising ‘The Witch’s Fare’, of which I’m honestly more loyal to as I live there and that’s where all my stuff is.

It was kind of a letdown that nothing weird was happening, aside from a suspicious pony and that Sell Hard guy trying to pull a fast one. It didn’t work with mom and it wasn’t going to work with us.

“Coo!” Oh wait, Snickers landed on the counter and she had a bag of bits strapped to her shell. Apparently she was going to be one of my customers today.

It was kind of adorable really, that Snickers came here to have lunch. I did wonder where she got the money from though. Given her connection to Jade, I might have had some reasonable suspicions that Snickers might be doing something mischievous and I didn’t dare voice those suspicions out loud.

“That’s a health code violation!” The stallion pointed to Snickers who immediately sent him a scathing distasteful look, makes me wonder if Snickers could detect evil at five paces.

“That only applies if she gets into the food while in the kitchen and is proven to be unclean.” Ah there was Maries with Maria speaking for them at the moment, this guy was going to be in for a big surprise when he turned around. “Personally, she looks like a paying customer to me.”

“That’s a flying rat with wings and I don’t see how you can possibly think that… a chi… a ch-ch-chi…” Wow Mr. Inspector, you were certainly a brave one and weren’t turning completely white.

I really hoped none of us had to clean up after him if he messed in a very unprofessional manner, which would still be Maries’ problem anyway unless she delegated it to us.

“You wanted to speak to us?” All three voices said ceasing the illusion that they were just one being, as they smiled innocently at the stallion. Mara even tipped her Hayburger hat to him in a smarmy manner with their front left paw. I think Maries had a thing for hats, given they can wear three of them at a time and it’d make complete sense that they do.

I turned back to a patiently waiting Snickers who stopped glaring at the stallion and turned back to me with a happy heartwarming smile that she was known for.

“Welcome to Hayburger, home of the hayburger, may I take your order?” I said in a friendlier and much more upbeat tone of voice, Snickers was kind of addictive to be near as she brought cheerfulness into everyone’s lives by just being cute.

Snickers held her right flipper up to her mouth as she looked up at the menu from where she sat on the counter. She eventually pointed at something on the menu.

“Coo, coo, hiss!” I looked at what she wanted and blinked once or twice. Huh, you think you know a turtle.

“Do you want fries and a drink with that order, also is this to go or are you dining here?” I was very patient with her, given I didn’t think upsetting her was something anyone would ever do.

“Coo, hiss, coo, coo, hiss!” Snickers threw up both her flippers exuberantly and started to gesture them about a bit before she flared out her wings. Using her wings. She helped me understand her many requests on how to modify her order better. I nodded once I eventually got the gist of it.

“Well okay then, but do you even have the bits to pay for that?” Once I posed the question, Snickers started to dig into the bag that was almost as big as she was and started placing bits on the counter. She put the desired exact amount out, tax included, and gave me a cheerful chirp. “Right then… one premeditated witch murder, whole family crying, while fighting off a ton of kappas with a broken spoon, the chariot smashed more than the tomatoes this time, defrost the cabbage patch, the raft exploded sending stray bits of vegetation everywhere to end up on a deserted jungle island, grandma tickled a dragon too much, unholy magical hellfire purged the whole site, sweet butt cheek slices, the donut’s weren’t glazed and they should have gone swimming, it was colloquially known as a giraffe, taco fixings are allowed, flush it with holy water, extra wagon grease, twist of lemon, stab a clown in the back with a banana… and splash some sea on it. Was that everything?”

“Coo!” Snickers glared at me.

“Oh right, how silly of me. A small order of fries and a… bowl I want to say?” I watched as Snickers nodded while clapping her flippers together, one must admit this was probably the most ridiculously convoluted order I’ve received today. To think it came from an intelligent flying turtle, and here I thought we were all being normal for a while. “Yes, a bowl of papaya juice. Wouldn’t that make it that much worse though?”

Snickers just stared at me confidently, yep she was still going with the papaya juice.

“What in all of Equestria…. was that even a real order?” A random mare asked as if she was afraid to hear my answer, I sent a glance to Celestia who looked slightly amused by the order for a moment before she went back to watching Blade.

“You’ll see soon enough. As disturbing as that might have sounded, mostly coming off like the inane ramblings of a food industry service drone going insane, it’s actually a factual order and I’m not about to go into great detail about it as it would take forever to explain each nuance of it.” No seriously, I really wanted to know where Snickers learned to make an order like that. “Let’s just move on with our lives and you’ll see the order when I help her get it to a table. We’ll just call it ‘From Tartarus With Love’ for short, it’ll take us about twenty to thirty minutes to finish it. Speaking of which, I suggest you go play with the fillies and colts or at the very least find something to occupy your time. I’ll call you when it’s ready Snickers.”

“Coo.” Snickers took off from the counter while stuffing the receipt into her bit bag.

“We’ll see about that, I have the princess’s ear and you’ll be sorry!” Did the ‘so called’ inspector seriously just threaten that? Did he not know that Celestia was here?

Well she was currently surrounded by fillies, colts and other ponies so he must not have noticed her presence. The princess probably caused ponies to herd around her by her very presence.

“I’m sorry sir, but you don’t have prior acknowledgement of an inspection, you don’t have a warrant and you don’t even have your identification. We are well aware of the law, unlike you.” Hearing Maria, I glanced off to the side and saw her smirk towards princess Celestia. Yep, that was so going to happen and as a lawyer she would take advantage of this situation. Which is why Marie spoke up and decided to make the princess a part of the ensuing situation. “Princess Celestia, this inspector seems to know you and wishes to speak with you!”

The stallion that called himself Inspector Closure, turned to Princess Celestia and blinked once or twice. He then proceeded to fail a real life Ogres and Oubliettes spot check before my eyes. If he really was an inspector, then I felt minutely sorry for him.

“Really, I don’t know who you hired to pretend to be Celestia on such short notice, but it’s not going to work.” He grabbed Celestia’s right wing and tugged it roughly. Celestia rolled her eyes derisively as he then reached up and gave a tug at her horn. He blinked a few times.

“Hello there my little pony, did you need something?” The small smile on Celestia’s face was a little more evil than I could give her credit for, if I ever had to fight her I would have to take her out of the action immediately.

“Princess Celestia, your order is ready! Can you take care of your trays? One is a bit heavy.” I really didn’t think I could handle this myself.

One tray was loaded with two hayburgers, fries, drink and a dessert, an ordinary order for any pony. The other was loaded with an impossible amount of food that was for Celestia to consume, with enough cholesterol to possibly kill half a pack of manticores.

“In a moment, I have to help this pony first.” She turned back to Inspector Closure with a smile and wide eyed curiosity to see what the inspector would do.

“Excuse me, sorry for being a bother princess… I’ll just be leaving now.” The stallion turned and left the Hayburger without another word, would he really be back? Meh, it would be more interesting if he came back tomorrow.

“Thank you Princess Celestia.” Maria stated pleasantly as she sent Celestia a smile along with her sisters Mara and Marie. “I believe your order is finished, please enjoy and tell us if anything is wrong with it.”

“I will, thank you!” Most of the ponies boggled at the fact that Maries and Celestia were acting so friendly towards one another, then the princess levitated both her trays and was on her way to the table where her protégé was still nose first in the book and was missing everything.

Jade, Flamberge and Blade didn’t even blink an eye at all on this one, I can excuse them easily because they were all working on Snickers order together. An order that required the use of an oven was always going to take a bit of time, as that was the Fastest we could make her food.

What came out looked like a taco salad made with a blooming onion as the shell, the ingredients were grilled and oven baked. It looked pony friendly, but I knew better than that, was Snickers actually going to eat this?

The rest of the day went smoothly for us, though Snickers did get several ponies to try and help her with the odd concoction. That was an entertaining hour or so.

During our thirty minute break, Jade asked me if we could take a trip to Canterlot for our next date and I readily agreed to it.

At the end of the day we cleaned up and left our first day behind us, mostly with a sense of boredom.

-Fry Hard-

I followed Inspector Closure, if he was even an inspector, I saw him meet with my brother and it now made sense why he wanted to inspect Hayburger so badly.

My brother Sell Hard was paying him off to cause trouble for my favorite restaurant, one that I worked at even! While I stayed in the bushes and waited until they left. Apparently inspector Closure was going to try again tomorrow, with his identification and actual warrant in tow. He would try to get Hayburger shut down on actual charges.

I had to plan around my brother’s machinations to mess with where I belonged, because where else was I going to find a place to fry food in all of Ponyville?

What to do though… wait… what was the story behind the workers today? Celestia knew about them, maybe they could help if they have a connection to the princess.

As they exited the restaurant after cleaning up, I approached them.

“My name is Fry Hard and I need your help, but first, how do you know Princess Celestia?” I seemed to be intruding on something special, given the cat had her arms around the mare still wearing the Hayburger hat and the chimera that leaned lazily against her on the other side.

“We’re friends with her, she frequents our town and we happen to be adventurers for hire. We’re really cheap too!” The cat stated pleasantly as she rubbed the blushing mares neck gently. Cheap how? I wondered if it was so cheap that you needed a job at Hayburger to make a living. “What do you need?”

“I’m sorry about my brother Sell Hard bothering you today, but he’s planning to have the Inspector he’s bribing come back tomorrow to shut the place down if he finds even the slightest thing wrong with it.” I gave them a pleading look. “Please, can you do something? I don’t want them shut down the Hayburger!”

“Don’t worry, we’ve definitely got this!” Their dragon stated loudly with a thumb claw held up.

Author's Note:

I got nothing for the note today... well almost nothing. This is something after all.

Sekhet and Fluttershy are going to get involved in the next chapter, you can try to figure out why.

Comments

[Shadowshame]

You could say blade had a cattured audience

[CommanderFakingShepard2]

9694646
BOO GET OFF THE STAGE!!!

That actually made me laugh tho. Good job.