Airship Mauled

by Darkonshadows

Chapter twenty four, Guard Goading: Dated morning.

-Fizzle-

So we came to Doughnut N. Joe’s place, a quaint morning stop for breakfast snacks and drinks. I wondered if this was the calm before the storm, I was actually kind of excited for the storm. Whatever Jade had planned would be entertaining at the very least and we’d be together for it.

“Hello Double Doughnut Joe… did you get that thing I sent you?” Giving Jade a curious glance, I looked to Joe and he seemed to look a little bit sharper than usual and less like a pastry chef.

“Yes, I did, thank you.” He looked about suspiciously. “Alright what is that you want? The royal guard created a whole new system of code words just for you and they are using you as an old mare’s tale to scare new recruits. Stallions will be watching your ass all day.”

“Which I’m completely flattered by and would be more so if I weren’t completely gay, but you probably already know I want the goods and a meeting with the worst underworld contingent in Canterlot.” Jade… what have you been getting into and should I be worried for your safety? Much less my own when it comes to the words ‘underworld contingent’.

“Okay, what will you be having miss?” Joe said in a slightly cheerier tone towards me.

“Bagel with blueberry sauce and cream cheese, plus whatever Jade’s drinking.” I figured since Jade never drinks more than water or fruit juice, I’d be safe on that front.

I should just play along with whatever is going on here, because it was obvious that Joe was part of that S.M.I.L.E organization Jade told us about. That secret one that fights monsters, which doesn’t make sense unless they don’t want the public to panic about how dangerous the world around them really is. I personally didn’t see the point of the secrecy really.

“Right two pomegranate specials, blue cheese bagel and a cheesecake and strawberry super croissant coming up.” As he started to get to work, Joe glanced at me and asked Jade. “Are you sure you want to take her with you when you go to meet… ‘The Squirrels’?”

“She’ll be fine, plus I’m going to need their help for something I’m going to pull off this evening.” Okay I was curious as to what Jade, and by proxy, Joe were going on about. Also, ‘The Squirrels’, what kind of organization name is that? “Do you think two extra sized bags of roasted walnuts with salt will be able to get me that favor I need?”

“You might want to go with three using honey, but best the bet for them doing what you exactly need is four or five with butter if you want them to cover their tracks better. Share a few nuts with them in the park one at time and tell them what you need done, go there exactly thirty minutes after you leave and you’ll see them standing in a tight circle. I’ll notify them of you’re coming and wish to do business.” What does Joe know and what is this about walnuts? Were they talking about actual squirrels here? What is Jade up to today? “Is your friend there going to be okay? She hasn’t said much.”

“Eh, I’m in the middle of a date with this beautiful mare here, as such this is all entirely related to my date and she already knows about S.M.I.L.E. You’re absolutely safe to talk around her.” After Jade said that Joe placed two drinks on the counter. “I’ll explain later Fizzy, don’t worry about things and just go with the flow.”

“Don’t you dare start inhaling these all in one go, please? I may be giving you free refreshments, but I’m not made of money Jade.” It almost sounded like Jade had something over on Joe, that or they were somehow friends.

“I’m not one to abuse a privilege Joe, except for this date that is. We’ll be out of your fur soon enough, I have an entire day to enjoy with my favorite pony outside of the Muffin Queen that is.” Okay I’m getting the feeling that Jade was being quite cagey about something, but I did know I was her favorite pony aside from whoever the Muffin Queen is. Kind of like how Maries was her favorite chimera. “Do you think the Royal Guard will catch on to what I have planned today? It’s mostly just to spice up our evening. I’m sure I can get away without any charges sticking to my fluffy butt that they can watch, but they will never touch.”

“Not in the slightest if I keep my mouth shut, speaking of Tartarus or the Jersey Devil. Incoming Captain Shining and the mare he’s still trying to woo.” Seeming to put on some sort of invisible mask, Joe brightened his countenance for Princess Cadence and Shining when they entered.

The minute Shining saw Jade he almost faltered, tripped and fell on his face, almost. Jade gave him a friendly cat smile before hugging me to her.

“I really have no idea why there is a creature that specifically steals jerseys, that monster must be a sports fanatic.” There was a subtle change in conversation with the way Jade spoke. She turned to Shining and Cadence. Shining was about to ask something when Jade addressed Cadence in an over the top manner. “Hey Cadence, tell me how our love score is!”

“Oh hello Jade, you have no idea how often a request that is.” Cadence lit her horn and scanned the two of us, for some reason I felt both violated and highly embarrassed. “So… have you two been active long?”

“Oh we’re not practicing. Though we do tend to cuddle in bed every once in a while.” Jade had me covering my face with my hooves in embarrassment somehow, I don’t know why I was so suddenly embarrassed about everything. Also did the room seem slightly hotter or was it just me?

“Are you sure? The mare next to you seems really quite taken with you and you smell like part of a three way with five… that can’t be right…” Please stop Princess Cadence or I will eventually one day have my revenge on you. Don’t think I won’t do something to you later in life. Said ‘Princess of Love’ certainly looked a little confused about something. “How can there be a strong five way relationships with three bodies?”

“She’s confused, pay up Joe!” Okay that one from Jade made me smile, they obviously had a bet running between them and I would hardly if ever place a bet against Jade’s cockamamie and sporadic planning skills.

“Now wait a minute… give her a moment to figure it out!” Joe tried to complain.

“No, she was confused from the start that was the bet and you know it.” Jade state plainly with a smirk, she held out a paw. “I won fair and square Joe.”

“Do you know this degenerate?” Shining asked Joe with a questioning gaze sent to Jade.

“Unfortunately, yes, I do know her quite well. She happens to be one of my best customers when she sneaks into Canterlot under the guards noses to do sneaky things.” Well why don’t you just shout that from the rooftops Joe? No wait, the way he said it seemed off like he wanted Shining to become… oh. “She’s always skulking around my place to buy the most evil of my concoctions.”

“Strawberry tiger tails are not evil Joe, it’s a twist of vanilla and strawberry doughnuts together and you know my species doesn’t handle too much chocolate very well.” Jade commented dryly with her tail hugging my waist affectionately. I nuzzled up against Jade in return, we were on a date after all… albeit one that was quickly weirding me out and we were just getting started on the day.

“See, she’s a heathen, tiger tails traditionally come in vanilla and chocolate flavors!” I’m not really seeing Joe’s point here, but I guess pastries are serious business for bakers.

“But I like raspberry tiger tails.” Cadence seemed a little upset by his words.

“No, that’s actually perfectly normal.” Was Joe’s immediate and quick response as he dropped a bag of bits into Jade’s waiting claws, my cat stuffed the bag away in her pack.

“It’s a double standard thing Cadence, don’t worry about it being biased against me.” Not only is Jade redirecting, but so was Joe at the same time. I almost didn’t catch it in time, but I had a suspicion that these two were doing something. Were they speaking in coded phrases? “He earns a lot of bits for those particular tiger tails during a Hearts and Hooves day celebration, the pink and white coloration really helps sells them as two halves of a perfect whole. What’s a real heathen thing to do is to hold back the truth of strawberry banana tiger tails from the world!”

“You’ll always be a heathen of baked goods everywhere Jade… anyway, here’s your special croissant and here’s your bagel miss.” Joe left me feeling perplexed about what just happened, there was a certain emphasis to the word ‘heathen’ that I wasn’t quite getting here.

I looked to Jade with a question on my lips. Only for to be met with a quick kiss that shoved the words right back down my throat.

“Like I said, later Fizzy.” Jade stated before she bit into her large croissant and hummed loudly, I guess I better get started on my bagel. Even with Shining Armor giving us both very suspicious looks, his attention was quickly drawn back to Cadence who was making her order.

Throughout breakfast Shining would glare at Jade every once in a while, he probably didn’t like the whole rubber chicken up the sheath thing and was holding a grudge. Gee, I wonder why? Jade does make a compelling case for him to hate her with all the stuff she pulls.

-Forty five minutes later, Canterlot Park, Fizzle-

After we started eating and talking in peace, nothing happened, we left Joe’s approximately thirty minutes ago. On the way to the park Jade bought five large bags of walnuts with salt using the bits she got off of Joe, I’m starting to suspect there wasn’t an actual bet and that Joe owed Jade for something else.

“There wasn’t actually a bet was there?” I asked as we walked along the park and came up on a group of ponies standing in a tight circle. It was a nice day out today, but Jade’s seemingly random shenanigans were far more interesting.

“Nope, hold these four bags.” I took the large bags of walnut snacks from Jade, she opened one as we approached the group with a smirk at me. “You’re going to love this evening, if you don’t I’ll do whatever you want me to Fizzy.”

“You’d already do that anyway Jade. So, let you do the talking again?” The response I received was a nod as we came up on the group of ponies who looked to us.

All three races were equally represented here. I’m to take it that they were ‘The Squirrels’, Canterlots apparent worst underworld gang. Three Earth, Pegasi and Unicorn ponies were awaiting us, Jade pulled a single walnut out of the bag and offered it to one of them and they took it in there hoof and started eating it.

They didn’t look like much to me, but looks could be deceiving.

“Need a few favors.” Jade whispered as she passed a nut to the next pony as they changed position in the circle. She handed another nut out. “A unicycle, a wire leading from the ground to the roof tops, a sturdy enough ramp of at least wood or stronger and some special fireworks… catch my drift?”

“We catch.” The Pegasus that took the next walnut stated. “The boss wants to meet with you personally, heard you were a real work of art. We promise to never touch your dame or you and yours. We don’t want any trouble of the likes you can cause. Sun priests might be rare these days, but you’re the most insane one I’ve heard of.”

“You better not, no one has seen me go full out petty kitty mode except for my mother and I’ve only been doing things at half that capacity so far. If I go full petty, expect your organization to collapse in on itself.” The mare nodded while looking slightly disturbed and frightened at Jade’s words, she took several steps back while shivering. I had no clue what all this would lead to. “Oh and we’ll need some musical accompaniment for when we do the thing this evening, look up Speedy Sax.”

“You are one really evil cat, we can appreciate that.” The unicorn took a walnut and popped it into her mouth. “It’s the good stuff alright, five bags of salted walnuts full grade. Couldn’t afford the butter? Looks like the guards are going to get the run around again, we’ll get our peanut ready.”

“Hey, I’m on a date! At least let me have some money for dinner this evening. ” The mare nodded and moved back into the circle as an earth pony stallion came forward to take a walnut. Jade took out what looked like a scroll from her pack and passed it into his hoof, he nodded and stepped back into the tight circle. “Also it’s not like its popcorn, now that definitely deserves butter.”

The group of ponies nodded and parted away from the nearby tree, a squirrel came running down it wearing a tiny little business tie and it looked at Jade.

“Hello great mob boss of hidden nuts known as The Squirrels.” Here Jade gave the squirrel a friendly smile, I had no idea what was going on anymore. “Or do you go by Sweet Cheeks at the moment?”

The squirrel started chattering up a storm and the shy looking mare who was getting a walnut smiled at Jade.

“Mr. Cheeks says that the payment of four and change large snack bags of walnuts is worthy and that we can do what you need us to.” The brown and white spotted mare in question kind of reminded me of Fluttershy and she had a squirrel inside a heart marking her flank, she stood in front of the tie wearing squirrel and was acting like a mouth piece for him. The squirrel started squeaking some more. “Do you need a special VIP escort for today? The guards seem to be very interested what you’re going to get into and we could run distractions, you’re kind of overpaying us for this.”

“There’s no need for an escort Madame Nut Case, I’m actually trying to get the guards riled up. I assume they’ll come over here and talk to you after we’re done here… leak some of the least important parts of my plan so the Wonder Bolts will be in the right positions for it.” I felt Jade pull me close and nuzzle my neck. “Our evening will much more exciting, get Shining more involved in the chase and a can of magical instant pink dye at the spot… then I’ll do a side thing.”

“We’ll see what we can do. If you can’t get Blueblood this time, then that’ll be just sad.” The mare and the group dispersed in nine different directions while the squirrel climbed back up the tree.

I had a sinking feeling about this.

Author's Note:

If this chapter makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, then that's a good thing.

Comments

[Booster Spice]

That Pink job will be just to Dye for, and Blueblood will be going so apocaplectic, he will be going full Twilinanadash.

All we need now is for Photo Finish to gain her Infamous Notorioty in taking her first images in the folder, Princilla, A Work. and Joe will have all the dartboards he will ever need for Celestia to throw little sharpened horn toy darts at for years to come.

Where Jades concerned, Id hate to be in the town or city hit by Yakkity Sax.

Would that make Sweet Cheeks and Nut Cases daughter be Squirrel Filly?

[Fancy Fox]

Normally we, the readers, are in on jades antics. we get the earth references and know that this land is ruled by cartoon logic. But in this case? we're more in the head of fizzle at the moment, we know jade is planning... something... but we don't know exactly what, only that it will probably be something over the top and absolutely loony. I love it.

[Jerico]

Might not make sense, but I have learned to laugh and smile at the fireworks that Jade makes

[The Scarlett Mare]

“But I like raspberry tiger tails.” Cadence seemed a little upset by his words.

Cadence, you are so cute

[The Scarlett Mare]

Honestly I can only guess what this all means by breaking it down into chunks
I wish I couldn't because I actively want to be surprised by this