• Member Since 11th Jul, 2017
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

Torulf21


Grettings! I am Torulf, Jarl of imaginations. All I can say is that I am very good at writing but very bad at drawing artful pictures for my stories. The only reason that I write is for fun.

Comments ( 146 )

Well, let me start out and begin with a compliment. You have undertaken writing a story and posting it for the world to see. That requires bravery and you should be commended for it.

However, you are doing something terrible here, and I cannot simply ignore it. So, it will be a criticism, and a harsh one at that, but I hope to make points that are true, not just an attack on you, the author. Without further adiue, let's begin.

You have made many, many mistakes right off the bat. Your description isn't a good one, it is neither engaging nor drives me to want to read it as it's statement of fact with links to other stories/verses. As for what it does link to, well, this is a subjective taste matter, but the former isn't my cup of tea and the latter is a sin against writing.

But I'll get back to that later.

As for the rest of your description... you are literally jacking yourself off in a public space. This "OC" (totally not self insert) has powers because... reasons. Has vendetta because.... reasons, and isn't a person. This is, at best, a cardboard cutout mask for the purposes of hiding the truth of the character. You just give him three powers of higher level beings and say, "Oh, uh, he has it now!" without any progression of character or reason for him to have it.

Stories require arcs, character growth, and decent pacing. That is why most stories begin with the hero losing his power/prestige/wealth and regaining it throughout the story. You did the opposite, you started at the beginning and just threw powers at him, that he knows how to use perfectly to create everything he ever wanted.

And now, let me just say, you had no reason to bring in Warhammer 40k into this besides jacking off further to the power fantasy. That's not okay. It provides nothing to the story other than, "HUMANS! WOOOOOOO! WE RULE!" which is at best annoying.

However, that's just story problems, your paragraph structure and writing aren't much better. Your flow is terrible, as is the pacing, but what really gets me are some of the other mistakes, like naming. I'd like you to reread these names and ask "Can I meet this guy on the street?" 'Cause, I can't. I will never meet a "Jyrrmir Kjensvesen" on the street, and if it is a culturally common name that I just don't know, that's fine, but it breaks realism for me.

The characters are bland and boring, but that's to be expected. Like I said, it's a cardboard cutout mask you've made, not an actual 3D character. He makes "a super soldier army" and just happens to know how, has every power ever, and has a sword that does, like, infinite +1 damage and is super cool and awesome.

You use caps and annoying prose throughout the rest of the story as well, and sometimes you don't even make sense. We understand he's yelling, no need to put it in caps.

And lastly, your most stupid mistake, is your structuring. You don't put pictures in mid story. You don't put lists in mid story. You don't write down a list of names in the middle of a story. You don't put pictures midstory. You don't put links midstory. You don't put giant paragraphs midstory. You don't do a lot of what you did... midstory.

And lastly, I need to mention the elephant in the room. This is the most edgy self-insert power fantasy self-jerk-off that I have ever seen, and you will be getting upvotes for it. Yes, I meant that. People love power fantasy and jacking themselves off, so you'll receive upvotes, especially if you go to those specific groups, but the story wouldn't be better for it. Every point I made is true.

Power Lottery and HiE is low hanging fruit in this fandom, it's the stuff that a large portion went to in the early days for escapism, but the tropes it spawned are not good. They are not healthy. Frankly, they need to die, and that is my personal opinion.

What is not personal opinion is Power Lottery being a sin against writing. It's giving someone super powers the author probably always wanted for free, no strings attached, and then putting them in Equestria or Equestria Girls. It breaks character growth, it breaks immersion, it breaks empathy, and it's just poor story writing. The fact there's an entire group for it is only more horrifying.

Please, dear author, use these tips and fix your writing. An editor would have told you this is a bad idea, and you need one, but these tips alone should help you get towards at the very least a better story.

Best of luck,
~Hand

8660919
Say what? You're making a mistake? Okay, I will.

You're making a mistake. You're using the fallacy, "False Authority", "Appeal to Authority" or "Ad Populum"

Just because something is liked doesn't mean it's good, or that you're doing it right. I even said in my paragraph you'll get likes from people and likely have a decent upvote count, but my points still stand.

If you wish to improve or discuss how to do so, please, reread it and understand the points. If you wish to debate, bring actual evidence and arguments to the table. If your desire is to not handle criticism and go into a "fight me" mentality, then there's no hope for me to help you and I'll leave.

8660919
Sure thing just send me your address and I'll be on my way.
Stupid did make some valid but only some, people getting random powers for random reason and have random adventures is the entire displaced verse, which is never getting old.

8660919

8660930
Likes do not equal a good story
media.tenor.com/images/bd272bd848eafcf5274871325d9fd8f0/tenor.png

Also, you're handling criticism quite badly. You should be welcoming it as stupidhand14's intention wasn't to insult you. Use it to be a better author. I went through 3 bad stories (in my opinion) before I made 1 story I'm happy to have. Learn from your mistakes, not throw it down a bottomless pit expecting everything to be okay.

Giving the main character God-like abilities in the first chapter... Cool.

Killing foals as well?....
Brutal much? I would think that it's better to leave them alive and teach them why it's wrong to enslave humans, etc...

8660930

8660935

8660942
You guys got everything wrong. By showing those two stories means that they are examples of the main characters starts as all mighty from the begining for some random reasons whatsoever, just like my story so it's not a fallacy, "False Authority", "Appeal to Authority" or "Ad Populum", It's examples to compare my story with these.

Also don't expect me to rewrite or edit the story like magic because to my point of view my writing is flawless. If you guys want me to write it better then send me examples of what kinds of in those chapters, I can't change the text in the story in a blink of an eye.

Also having a created army is nothing unhealthy. It's just like the Republic from Star Wars that had a clone army, separatists had a droid army and the main characters from Halo wars: Equestria and Scourge Of The Caribou could have large armies of their own.

As for the names, I simply went to fantasy name generator and used it to give me some random names from Skyrim, accordingly.

The way of writing and also the reasons of the main character being randomly chosen is pretty normal so there is nothing to complain about.

About the Power Lottery, I simply chose this because it fits my story well. Also it is based on a game, specifically; Dawn of War 2 Retribution.

All your comments sounds like you're trying to convince me to dislike and regret my story. About this ´´Likes do not equal a good story`` thing, that is not relevant. There's nothing that can say it's a good story or a bad story. It's about a person's opinion. I get to think it's a great story because that's how I see it and if you all dislike it, feel welcome to but don't try to convince be otherwise.

Again, I can't read back the story and magically change it because I think I wrote it flawlessly. If you guys want me to do some changes send me a few specific examples; prehapes new chapters.

The way the character is the way he thinks and take care of things.... It all depends on who he/she is. Everything dosen't have to make 100% sense because people are who they are and all you can do is go with the flow.

About having godhood powers, it's all depends on your definition of godhood.

P.S. Don't blame me for responding to you guys this way, I been through alot of troubles already. Not just in story writing but in real life too, so please cut me some slacks. I need some cool down to feel better, please.

8661080
Those foals were watching their own friends and family killed by the humans, by leaving them alive what's stop them from seeking revenge. Foals who experience horrors of war (exterminatus) won't learn to not enslave humans but rather want to kill all humans.

Comment posted by fluttercord shipper 23 deleted Jan 25th, 2018
Comment posted by fluttercord shipper 23 deleted Jan 25th, 2018

8661190
Nothing wrong i was just pointing out what displaced fics are, random humans sent to random Equestria with random powers, nothing wrong there.
The only issue with this fics i see is that it could get a bit more fleshed out, longer, cause going from some random guy with a decent life to god emperor master of all his abilities and starting to murder everything in sight in the span of two weeks is a bit crazy.
Torulf21 may argue it’s cause he witnessed what was being done to his people, but would that make anyone go murder crazy to the point where he will stomp the head of infants?
I dunno, this reminds me of fics of GrayonBlue just in reverse, just power hungry gore fest.

8661154
Ah, a debate it is then. Very well, let us begin.

You guys got everything wrong. By showing those two stories means that they are examples of the main characters starts as all mighty from the begining for some random reasons whatsoever, just like my story so it's not a fallacy, "False Authority", "Appeal to Authority" or "Ad Populum", It's examples to compare my story with these.

Well, you just linked the stories and assumed for us to get them. I thank you for the clarification, but as a tip for next time, state your reason for linking the story. That way you avoid ambiguity of language in your works.

Also don't expect me to rewrite or edit the story like magic because to my point of view my writing is flawless.

Socrates once said, "I am the smartest person in the world because I know one thing more than everyone else: I know nothing." I personally love this quote, but allow me to explain. If you think your writing is perfect and "flawless" then you have nothing to improve upon. If you have nothing to improve upon, you can't improve your writing and become better. You can't become a better writer.

Though, please, allow me to be cynical. You don't have an editor credited, a proof reader to affirm, or a pre-reader to give the nod. Even the greatest of authors like Brandon Sanderson have a team of editors at work to refine the work and fix grammatical mistakes that he made in haste. Claiming you are flawless speaks of heightened pride and inexperience. Having this mindset is detrimental to your writing.

If you guys want me to write it better then send me examples of what kinds of in those chapters, I can't change the text in the story in a blink of an eye.

Yes, that is what an editor is for, and there are plenty of groups for it. Personally, I can drag a number of examples out of the awkward phrasing, grammatical mistakes, etc., but that'd take a lot of time that, I'll be honest, I don't care to dedicate to it in this format. If given the googledocs link, I might help you out and comment in the first page or so showing all the problems, but to edit the entire 12k story... I'll pass, thanks. I already read through it once.

Also having a created army is nothing unhealthy. It's just like the Republic from Star Wars that had a clone army, separatists had a droid army and the main characters from Halo wars: Equestria and Scourge Of The Caribou could have large armies of their own.

Unfortunately, you're making a bit of a jump here. The whole point of the second movie of star wars was finding this clone army, it was an end goal for a plot of the movie. I've neither read Halo Wars: Equestria or Scourge of the Caribou, so I can't comment on them. Meanwhile, the Droid Army has a pass for a simple reason: It's the bad guy. They are expected to have an army at their command, they're an established threat. Even then, they're robots that had limited intelligence and combat capabilities, as shown when the Jedi chop them up or the Gungans defeat them in combat, as well as a crippling weakness in their space stations.

From what I read, the soldiers your "OC" created were super soldiers that were all specialists with their own conscious and brains. They could fight better than everyone else and, and I'll reiterate this... they came from nothingness. There was no build up, no training, they were just born perfect, a lot like your OC, I suppose.

The way of writing and also the reasons of the main character being randomly chosen is pretty normal so there is nothing to complain about.

What do you mean? I can complain about it, and unless you provide a reasoning for why you used it, you're Appealing to Tradition or Ad Populum. As for the way of writing being normal? No. It's not. Go read some more stories, you'll find that you made a mistake here. The way you write is not normal.

About the Power Lottery, I simply chose this because it fits my story well. Also it is based on a game, specifically; Dawn of War 2 Retribution.

You didn't debunk any of my points about the power lottery. It's still an inherently flawed idea that destroys character development possibilities. It still creates an OP character because "LUL! IS SO KEWL!"

All your comments sounds like you're trying to convince me to dislike and regret my story.

If these comments cause you to regret writing it, I think that's a valid feeling to have. I am pointing out flaws in story structure and writing. It is only natural that you, upon reading it, contemplate if I'm right or not. I regret most of the things I've written as stupid and asinine, because I was still learning at the time, just as you are.

About this ´´Likes do not equal a good story`` thing, that is not relevant. There's nothing that can say it's a good story or a bad story. It's about a person's opinion.

I'm afraid that's not true. There is an objective quality in stories that can determine if they're good or bad. I might hate all HiE, but I can still recognize that there is a certain level of quality in some of them and that it's fine to enjoy them. Compare your own work to that of Chengar Qordath or Ponibus and you'll find there's a large gap in story quality. A good story isn't as subjective as you're arguing.

I get to think it's a great story because that's how I see it and if you all dislike it, feel welcome to but don't try to convince be otherwise.

I hope you gain more experience, at least enough to look back and realize what mistakes you made. Hell, I acted a lot like you with my first story, but I grew out of that phase and can now look at it with knowledge that I sucked back then, and that I had room to improve. I hope you learn this as well, but just as a heads up... Sticking to your guns isn't a sign of strength, it's a sign of weakness.

Again, I can't read back the story and magically change it because I think I wrote it flawlessly.

This is why you have an editor, again, but even then, if you can't edit your story, try editing someone else's. It can help improve your own writing and really help you. Your writing is not flawless, again, thinking so is only going to detract from your work. You need to recognize your failings and improve upon them.

If you guys want me to do some changes send me a few specific examples; prehapes new chapters.

I'll refer to what I said earlier about editing.

The way the character is the way he thinks and take care of things.... It all depends on who he/she is. Everything dosen't have to make 100% sense because people are who they are and all you can do is go with the flow.

You are correct, however, this is, as I said previously, nothing more to jacking yourself off to your OC because he's so "kewl". He can kill all the bad guys (and their children), proclaim himself emperor of mankind, and be the bestest man ever!

However, this is the mentality of a child. This "character" is nothing more than a psychopath given full reign to go forth and slaughter. Is he in the right? Maybe, maybe, but when you also slaughter the children, then it no longer matters if you were "in the right", because you shot yourself in the foot.

About having godhood powers, it's all depends on your definition of godhood.

Ability to create life, change the fabric of the universe, omniscience... yup, you gave him all of these with his powers, so, yes, he has godhood. Congrats, it's also a Gary Stu!

P.S. Don't blame me for responding to you guys this way, I been through alot of troubles already. Not just in story writing but in real life too, so please cut me some slacks. I need some cool down to feel better, please.

While I do empathize with you, the story is on a public platform and I felt like trying to help you improve. I understand writing is a way to calm down and relax, but if you wish to improve your writing, you have to be critical on yourself. I don't mean to come off as overly rude or aggressive, far from it, but I can't just ignore this.

~Hand

I really like this story, a bit of a rough start but it goes in a typical but appreciated Warhammer fashion, slaughter all xenos and conquer the world. If people get pissy cause the main character has powers but no real reason explained, don't worry most anime and games and TV shows do the same and their popular none the less.

8661225
He's too prideful. I wonder if he acts like this in real life. He'll only change once he's shot his own foot.

Comment posted by fluttercord shipper 23 deleted Jan 10th, 2018

I approve of this story! There's never enough xenos killing.

You really think your story is flawless? I can see flaws immediately from the description, and I can only assume that similar flaws continue into the story itself. Here's just one prargraph:

As much as he hates slavery and wish to save humanity from their monstrous slave masters, he was first unsure how he can help. Luckly he possess

Wishes
He is at first (you switched from present tense to past tense)
Luckily
Possesses

nice concept, poor planning and rushed writing, like most Hie fics. sorry, someone tell me if it gets a rewrite or is just tidied up a bit

8661080
he got the idea from the god emperor of mankind, he is not pretending to be a tau, he is pretending to be a human of the 41st millennium, a Xeno hating warlike human with little to no boundaries. btw I love those humans, just stating the facts, they don't teach Xeno's to be nice. in Warhammer 40k you get one chance, you blow it and your entire species dies

8661584
true. Basically it's either obey humans and live or object even the tiniest bit and you and your race will be face exterminatus:facehoof:

This is really fuking good I would like for you to continue

I can just tell this story is going to be milked so hard

So... he sees a bunch of bad stuff, some of which isn't inline with the main cannon of YHAY, and gets angry. Not once does he question why things are like this.

Why not?

Comment posted by fluttercord shipper 23 deleted Jan 11th, 2018

8662277
That's a bad idea.




(Haven't read this yet for anyone wondering, mini flame wars in the comments tend to turn me away a bit.)

Hun, its a human Op flc but im in the mode.

8661225
The OC's soldiers did not "came from nothing", they are build up, trained, programmed and also equipped with the weapons, armors and machines that the OC's nanites have provided so you just happens to over-exaggerate on that part. If you read both the first and/or the second chapter more carefully and closely you would have notice that the text stated that the main character did alot of work and used alot of resources, materials and ingrediens to create his superhuman army. If you have ever seen the movie Transcendence (2014 film), then you will know how the main character there could control the nanites in the human body and also how he created a human body.

Also the way I write 'is' normal, to me anyway. I have read alot of stories and they are the ones that shaped my way of writing so yes I'll say it again, my way of writing is normal.

This editor, I had never used it before so I don't know how it works and the FAQ instructions makes no sense to me so I would need long and clear instruction of how the editor really works.

When I said about "I think my writing is flawless" it's a one man's opinion so don't blame me because alot of people think about their writing as well. I can think like that if I want to even if I have to rewrite things, I'm not a bragger!

This "objective quality in stories that can determine if they're good or bad", does not have a place in human opinions. Even if alot of people hate a story, the writer and those who like it can still think and say it's a good one so that "story quality" does not count on literatures.

About gain more "experience", let me gain it my own way, in my own functions.

You over-react about the OC's "godhood". He can't change the fabric of the universe or have omniscience. He simply have the powers of what Power Lottery have granted him. Take a closer look at them and try to compare what kinds of abilities they grant him. After all, all of them have limits which are his limits as well.

As for my reasons for the links is obvious. So that people can have a more clear picture of things if they need imagination when reading.

Also, with all due respect. My commets are not for debate! The very sole reason I'm writing this story is simply to have fun and you guys are just making it a too big thing. You guys makes a dying fish look like the end of the world-thing here. I'm not writing these commets for any debate. They are personal opinions so don't change the purpose of this story and these comments please. I don't want this to be turned into a conflict. Just don't make a big thing out of a small thing, please.:pinkiesad2:

P.S. While I try to see if I made some wrong writing, can you also see if you have done some misjudging, please.:fluttercry:

8662953
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa you tell em :pinkiehappy: writer for the win.

8662953

The OC's soldiers did not "came from nothing", they are build up, trained, programmed and also equipped with the weapons, armors and machines that the OC's nanites have provided so you just happens to over-exaggerate on that part.

Um... No. That's the equivalent from coming from nothing. There is no build up, no struggle, no conflict in building these guys. He just decides he's going to make them and suddenly they're there. Where did the nanites come from? His own powers. How did he know how to do this? Deus Ex. Why was it done? Power fantasy of the Imperium.

If you read both the first and/or the secon chapter more carefully and closely you would have notice that the text stated that the main character did alot of work and used alot of resources, materials and ingrediens to create his superhuman army.

Besides more proof of imperfect writing (even fimfiction has red lines to show you've written it wrong so it's easier to fix), you are making a mistake. You can tell us how it was hard,k you can tell us how much he struggled, you can tell what was used, but it's not shown nor are there any consequences. No build up, no pay off. He didn't use anything that mattered. It was "he has X, and he uses X to create Y." which has no impact.

If you have ever seen the novei Transcendence (2014 film), then you will know how the main character there could control the nanites in the human body and also how he created a human body.

No. You are not supposed to ask me to go away from a story to explain, but I'll mention this later when it's more relevant. Just know... there will be more than a little harsh critique.

Also the way I write 'is' normal, to me anyway. I have read alot of stories and they are the ones that shaped my way of writing so yes I'll say it again, my way of writing is normal.

No, it's not. You might see it as relative normal, but it's not "normal". This isn't even subjective. Even a teenager in a high school english course could tell you've made innumerable mistakes in a single chapter alone. If that number of mistakes was "normal", english would be a dead language.

This editor, I had never used it before so I don't know how it works and the FAQ instructions makes no sense to me so I would need long and clear instruction of how the editor really works.

I.... I... What......? You speak in jest, right? Please tell me you're joking. I... If you don't know how to edit your work, that would be one thing. If you didn't know what an editor was, that'd be another... but confusing how to edit with how to get an editor is mind boggling. If that really is the case, look in here. It's an extensive guide on how to write. Use it.
As for an editor, those are actual people who help writers double check their work. There's a group on here called "Looking for Editors", and if you've never used it, that would say a lot.

But the fact that you don't even know what an editor is... that frightens me. It really does.

When I said about "I think my writing is flawless" it's a one man's opinion so don't blame me because alot of people think about their writing as well. I can think like that if I want to even if I have to rewrite things, I'm not a bragger!

That is a bold claim. I can point to many, many authors who know their work has flaws and happily admit it as such. As for thinking it's flawless while fixing it, that's a contradictory mindset that will only result in too much defense and protectionist tendencies to your work. An author must think they are writing gold when writing and look back and say that they wrote junk when editing it. It sounds contradictory, but it's the best way.

This "objective quality in stories that can determine if they're good or bad", does not have a place in human opinions.

Not really if the story in question violates the English Language's rules and laws. Then it is objective that the story is bad. Your story did this, though I'll still argue for the fact that it is objectively bad in terms of quality.

Even if alot of people hate a story, the writer and those who like it can still think and say it's a good one so that "story quality" does not count on literatures.

"Doesn't count on literatures"? I'm sorry, but I truly have no idea what that means. As for what you said, no. You are saying "Quality has no effect on opinion", which is incorrect. There's a reason why refined pieces of work are well loved rather than rushed pieces of junk. Just look at the Lord of the Rings movies, which had a lot of love, quality, and refinement poured into them, and have, as such, become classics. It works the same for books: stories that receive love, time, quality, and refinement are objectively better than rushed pieces of junk.

About gain more "experience", let me gain it my own way, in my own functions.

You seem to be rejecting gaining more experience by ignoring criticism. Criticism is what gives you experience, even if it hurts. You can't just spontaneously improve, people have to point out the flaws and you have to work to better yourself. This is something you refuse to do.

You over-react about the OC's "godhood". He can't change the fabric of the universe or have omniscience. He simply have the powers of what Power Lottery have granted him. Take a closer look at them and try to compare what kinds of abilities they grant him. After all, all of them have limits which are his limits as well.

Very well, good author, I'll go take a second look at the links you provided and bring back my findings.

User can create a variety of artificial beings for a variety of purposes, including artificial constructs, genetically engineered lifeforms or any combination of the two

Creating Life forms? Check, but lets check the limitation shall we? It says on this page that it can create superior life forms, so that's not a limitation. There is, in fact, a list of limitations.

  • Designing new models usually requires extensive work.
  • Exotic upgrades to the creations require specific materials.
  • Creation may require various amounts of time and resources.

Oh my dear author, you ignored all of the weaknesses.

  1. He created the robots in a single chapter, with relative ease, without any knowledge on cutting edge level of robotics.
  2. He was given materials to use to create them right off the back, and the word "exotic" is subjective. I'm half sure you'll be using pegasi wings and unicorn horns to give your soldiers flight and magic at some point, or maybe you'll give them the beating heart of a foal to increase power.
  3. Again, he created them in a single chapter, within a few paragraphs, and was given resources. Not exactly a weakness when it happens so fast it no longer matters, eh?

Well, there's one power you made even stronger, let's move on to the next one: Mage Lord!

The user either is or can transform into a Mage Lord, the greatest class of spell caster to ever exist. Not only are Mage Lords capable of controlling, manipulating, conjuring and mastering most every form of craft in existence but also may hold a particularly powerful command over various mystics, be they Human, Undead, Bestial, or even Draconic

A lord and master of magic can draw power from an infinite number of sources imaginable. Be they physical, spiritual, divine, demonic or conceptual in nature. Unlike most lesser spell casters they also lack many of the limitations to their usage of magic due to being more apart of the arcane forces norm.

Alright, so he has the power to affect the very fabric of the universe at near infinite levels, and create things from nothing. Check on being able to both create life and create whatever he wishes. Next step to godhood, I suppose, is just plain power.

But I'm not unreasonable, let's look at the limitations to see how it works.

  • May be dumbfounded by science.
  • A being of raw Magic runs the risk of Assimilation
  • Comprising of Magic, one must always comport and enforce its rules.
  • Stronger mystic lords can overpower the user.

Well, once again, you done F***ed it up. Let's go down again.

  1. Dumbfounded by science? Naw, he has nanite AI to help him, and has the know how to create robotics and everything else using technology. I guess weaknesses are just overrated, right?
  2. This is never mentioned. He has no fear for assimilation and the story hasn't even touched upon it.
  3. No rules are ever stated in the fic, and he has never shown need to show restraint. Whatever rules they are, they need to be shown to the reader and actually prove he's struggling.
  4. Stronger beings? No, no, no. You see, dear author, you made humans in this fic completely broken and OP. They have no weaknesses, and there is no one stronger. Frankly, there is no one stronger other than maybe all the alicorns together, but even then I have my doubts what levels of Gary Stu will go to. However, even if he was overpowered, one of his soldiers would just shoot Celestia and that would be it over, because "Ponies can't beat humans, humans have guns!"

Well, that's two powers that you haven't used any limitations or weakness for, but let's check the third, shall we?

User with this ability either is or can transform into a nanite artificial intelligence. User is either a cluster of individual nanites with intelligence and independent consciousness or the entirety of the nanite's as a whole comprise the artificial intelligence. Either way unlike normal artificial intelligence's a nanite version has limitless knowledge and the actual ability to affect the world on a molecular level

So.... he has limitless intelligence and smaller nanite machines. You'll forgive me, but that could easily be used for omniscience if you just spread the nanites across a planet.

But the funniest thing is that this power doesn't even have limitations. Nothing on the page indicates potential limitations, so this is just a straight power buff.

Dear author, I do not speak in hyperbole when I say you created a Gary Stu God. You provided him with whatever he needed, got rid of the limiting factors, and removed most of his weaknesses with the other powers. I believe I have made my point, but I'm willing to discuss it further, should you desire to. Now... for the real fun.

As for my reasons for the links is obvious. So that people can have a more clear picture of things if they need imagination when reading.

Oh. Boy. I'm sorry, but this is even more stupid. Books are not written with supplemental guides. Stories should not require you to go read another unless it's a sequel or a prequel, and even then most stories are self contained.

It is the job of the author to write the story so that anyone who jumps in on a whim can understand it without needing to read any supplmental novels or get confused by random words you're using. No, dear author, that's not how this works.

If I might instruct you to go do something: Go read the first chapter of this story, and then come back. I'll explain what I wanted you to notice.

Did you do it? Well, here's what you shouldn't have noticed: Runic magic. Upon reading the story, I can ask you, "what is Runic Magic?" and you could give me a rough definition. You see what Chengar did? They snuck in the description of the magic and it's basis into the story and made it flow with the story without breaking away. You probably didn't notice you were getting a lesson on Runic magic, but that's how a skilled author works: They make you see things without seeing them. They suck you into their world.

You did not do that. You went the opposite way. The Wrong Way. Learn from this.

Also, with all due respect. My commets are not for debate!

I mean, you're posting it to a public platform to defend your opinions. That makes it a debate.

The very sole reason I'm writing this story is simply to have fun and you guys are just making it a too big thing.

Incorrect. I'm trying to help you improve your writing. I'm trying to make you into a more able story teller. I'm trying to help you.

I'm not writing these commets for any debate.

And? You're replying to my opinions with opinions of your own in the hopes to convert my train of thought into yours, while I do the same to you. That is a debate.

They are personal opinions so don't change the purpose of this story and these comments please.

I always believe comments of a story are supposed to be to help the author improve. That's what I desire from my comments, it's what most writers desire from theirs.

I don't want this to be turned into a conflict. Just don't make a big thing out of a small thing, please.:pinkiesad2:

A big thing? I'm simply telling you how to improve your writing and the mistakes you're making. On the grand scale of things, it's small and I hold you no ill will when writing these comments.

P.S. While I try to see if I made some wrong writing, can you also see if you have done some misjudging, please.:fluttercry:

I'm afraid I can't retract my arguments until they're disproven by facts. Everything I've said have been correct and with evidence. I can't simply say, "I was wrong", because most of what I wrote was objective.

i don't really see any connection to your human and you at all

ok I will admit he is op as hell but I don't particularly have a problem other than that you just need to slow down on the writing a bit getting a bit rushed

Always willing to read a "MC with nanites" fic, they're so hard to find these days... :ajsleepy:

8661080
What the point of doing that? If they spare the kids more then a few will remember their love ones being killed by the humans and want revenge. They will tell their kids the "evils of humans", etc, and sooner or later learn how human tech work and how it's made. Someway somehow there will be sympathizers that will question if what their forefathers did was right or not, etc. Well, ya get what I'm saying "Better to just kill them all now then deal with their BS later". The changelings are the only ones I can see being the "good guys" in this verse cuz they need to eat love to live... Well, I guess they could just mass farm them in cocoons while keeping them in a dream like stupor...

8668104
i didn't write everything down, but i wouldn't exactly kill all of the adults either... only those who are active combatants like the guard and the militia. non combatants would live since they aren't trying to kill me or my troops. But even so, i would rather avoid killing if i could. I'd rather knock them out so they'd be rendered unable to fight.

8668104

8668346
gentleman and/or lady the answer you're looking for is 30 seconds in

8670272
you were fighting over letting the non-combatants live or not. Freza at 0:30 seconds tells you why you shouldn't do that.

8670298
the thing is that when avoiding the chance that you'd avoid killing anyone, you could then after the fight speak to them and try to get them to understand why you did what you did.

Maybe i am a fool to think in such a way, but i am a strange man with strange ways

8670472
eh, maybe. I'll be more worried if one of the SOB had a hidden weapon and was just waiting to use it during the explanation. If that happened ill would be pissed but impressed with the kid... then kill them all.

So he has never analyze the difference of the human here compare to the humans of his original species before noticing and slightly reasoning the horrible deeds...If I hear emotion being the reason, then I had to admit those computer programs must be that hyper adaptive not to inform him. Plus will commit similar moral against that they committed similar to Warhammer 40K....... so just god of humanity with upgraded weapons and the other side has little to no chance of surviving got it.

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ps. First comment

This is great. Next on his list could be to start creating the Astra Militarum to boost this military power

8671416
What gives humanity to deny such treatment? Both of our questions have the same answer, yet, we think one has more meaning to the other.

It all depends on perspective and morality which is subject to rationality.

(edit: Why does this simple truth always get forgotten?)

Login or register to comment