• Member Since 21st Jun, 2017
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Firefoxino


Always ready for a good laugh or a good massacre, it depends. I have become MORE I've become a DORITO!

Comments ( 539 )

you have me curious about this tale.

8662030
I'm sincerely glad man I'll start write next chapter today After School so stay tuned :pinkiehappy:

Count me interested. Let's see how far you can go.

8664912
Second chapter should come out today with the promised 5K Word and... Is that a challenge?:rainbowdetermined2:

8666322
Just kidding man I love that chapter. Anyways I hope that in this Story Celestia gets her ass really f****** whoop.:pinkiecrazy: also it's not that I'm a Celestia hater is that I've been wanting to read a story with Celestia gets f***** up. Is it wrong off me to want something like that?

8666428
Absolutely no mate :rainbowlaugh: don't worry everyone Will gets what they deserve

so this celetia is a species surpremicist... huh. seems he didnt quite miss the mark when he asked if he was pregnant heh. unless i understood that wrong. either way nice chapter, diologe feels a bit rushed but i wont hold that against you. look forward to more and so many dead insane scientists.

8668351
Thank you for you'r support! Yes you understood perfectly, and Yes there Will bè sooo many dead scientists, just in a way you won't expect. :trixieshiftleft:

8668589
i'm ok with surprises but will it be one i will enjoy. hmmmm, time will tell. so, sirprise me! XD

8668714
Alright then, One order of surprise for the sir guys!
'Yes sir!' said my brain cell.:pinkiecrazy:

Didn’t he eat a pegasus and get her memories. Because if so he should know how to fly even if not well

scientist bomb... i aprove. maybe they can liberate little cadence. glad to see sunset will not be a breeder slave for .

8673920
He DID have the Memories but Pegasus Can fly thanks ti their magic, he can't so he had to learn.

Need most! Nuff said. But really tho, I'm interested, and I only recently got into prototype. I love it when the actual superpower of something is evolution and adaptation. Tis epic! As one might say.

8683817
You don't even know how happy you made me with this comment. Thank you very much :D

8683831
My pleasure. I myself am having troubles with my writing due to a lack of being able to put effort into things:P But the comments on my story are what motivated me so to write more, so I'm glad to help :D. Just remember, if all else fails, all you have to do is find someone who's happy and consume them. By process of reasoning(aka bad logic) this instantly makes you happy too!

iIs because he was mutated like that? They don't have any emotions nor desire than? Well at least I can say I didn't kill him, he was already dead I felt a surge of power though. Had I just absorbed his strenght?

ils?
strenght

Becker talked again."Wonderful, wonderful 000 the princess will be pleased and i will be recognized for my genius hihihihihihihihi. Now then sleep." I heard a click and the characteristic sound of gas then blackness.

I

I should introduce myself I’m pure OCD and as such I do corrections when I read stories some are simple grammar mistakes and some are my own ideas told as suggestions. I’m also somewhat of a consultant when it comes to stories so If you're ever stuck P.M. me I’m great at helping with plot points.

"Not so talkative are we? No matter, I'm not here to listen to you, I'm here to welcome you officially into the G.E.N.E facility, I'm princess Celestia ruler of equestria, goddes of the sun and your master, of course."Said Celestia smiling.

godess
I thought of the best speech to say at a time like this. “Celestia you aren't really that special, sure you can move the sun but so can ten trained mages you might me powerfull but others can do what you do easily, me on the other hand I always change, I could become the strongest creature in this world in ways that no one else can, you might be the goddess of the sun but I’m the god of MEAT.

" So it means that I was created to kill everyone she pointed me to? I have all the three pony D.N.A., it means I can do magic and fly? I need to start understanding what I can do and what I can't do " So I tried again to morph my arms into claws, when a powerful electrical current zapped me. "AAAAAAAH DAMMIT IT HURTS!" I screamed, lying on the floor in pain.

This isn't really an error but most writers on this site use ‘ instead of “ for thoughts

I slowly got up and walked to the door, where a little windows opened at the door's base and a tray filled with... something came out." You call this food?I'll be lucky to not die eating it! " The "food" was a brown paste with some granules, and I think I saw it moving. Next to it there was a little bowl of water. " And they didn't give me any spoon. Assholes. " I thought. I approched my hand to the brown stuff when suddenly some tendrils came out of my hand and entered the culinary abomination consuming it." Woooo ok, weird, at least I didn't have to taste it. " I then tried to take the water and the same thing happened. When I finished "eating" my food I stood up and started to analyze my room better, it seems that there is a camera in the corner of the room, the room itself is small, just 15 or so square meters, there is a bed though. I tried laying in the bed, but when I sat down the bed collapsed under my weight. " Seems like I put up some weight. No wonder Mercer in the game created craters whenever he landed. I thought.

I always thought that the weight problem was interesting but I came up with a solution an anti gravity rune on an amulet it wouldn't make him weightless but it would lighten him by quite a few pounds. Also this is my headcanon on how those pegasi were able to fly while carrying pianos and how they can pull chariots so easily.

They bringed in four steel chain and attached them to my collar. Strange enough the chain just entered the metal of the collar as if it was there from the start. Magic I assume. They then scorted me to the test chamber this time the number 9. For the duration of the trip I didn't say anything I was thinking.

brought
escorted

" Let's summarize. I'm now a being made of blacklight and it seems they don't know that it seems. Blacklight is a virus not a cellule maybe the virus was in the cellule when they extracted it. Yes is the most resonable theory. Celestia wants me tobecome her weapon. I can't believe it I just had to be sent in the Equestria where she is a madmare huh? What I do now though? They will test on me but it seems they have took all the precaution to avoid my escape. It doesn't matter I need to get out of here, I will act as a good inmate for now but at the first chance I'll break out, then I will find what they are doing in here then, I will kill them all. "

reasonable
tobecome

"Now let's start shall we?Hihihihihi"He said in his annoyng voice

I know thats not even close but I thought of this.

" Ok I don't like how he said that. And what is an Hammerehead? "

“a” an is reserved for when theres a vowel is after it.

I runned away from the zone just in time for the beast to come crashing down on the floor. It was something that I never saw before a tall bulky bipedal thing with no face, it had enormous arms with muscles too big to be natural and with big four fingered hands at the ends of them. The head was big and thick shaped like a anvil with a black oily horn on the forehead. The legs were big and probably strong enough to smash a skull with no problem. All this monstruosity was four meters tall and very, very angry.

ran
monstrosity

It quickly charged me head down to try and impale me, I sidestepped it and It did something I would have never imagined one with it's corporature could do. It raised it's head and jumped landing on the wall, and then it thrusted itself against me. I couldn't dodge fast enough and it hitted me like a train. I was launched all the way against the opposite wall smashing against it and falling down face first. I moaned and got up just for seeing it charge at me again, I sidestepped again slashing at it in the side with my claws this time. It roared in pain and charged at me again. I dodged it again and it tried to do the same thing of before, but this time I was prepared when it thrusted itself against me I jumped. I jumped a little bit too high though, just six meters or so heh." Crap I forgot that now I can jump higher than before! "Nonetheless I started to fall down, I morphed my right arm into an hand again and grabbed it on the horn tryng to stay attached to it. It tried to dislodge me but my grip was strong, I then swinged myself in order to gain velocity to get on is head, and I succeded. After this it really tried to dismount me so I did the only logical thing to do.

its
hit

"Yeehaw! GO beast!. Come on, is this the best you can do?" I taunted. It tried to grab me but it's muscles were in the way so it tried to go against a wall to bash me against it. It charged, but right before colliding with the wall I jumped down and it impacted against the wall and got stucked. I jumped again but this time I land on it's back where I start to dig into it's flesh with my claws. After ten slashes, I impaled it where I thought the heart should be.

landed
its
there's too many “and”s in that sentence

While I was consuming it something happened, I saw my skin starting to move with tendrils on the surface, this lasted two or three seconds, after that, I could see that my skin was more thicker, and I was feeling stronger.

just “thicker” would do

" Uh so absorbing it caused me to develop a type of light armor and some extra strenght, interesting. Well thanks dude! Don't worry tough you will be avenged like all the others mutants, I will kill all of this monsters in lab coat. I swear! "And with my oath done I faced the camera in the corner just in time to hear Becker talk again.

strength
I don't know what that tough should be.
these

"Hello sister"She tell me

“told me” is what you were going for although “she said” would flow better.

" STOP, YOU WRETCHED ABOMINATION AND BEGONE, THE MISTRESS OF THE NIGHT COMMANDS YOU! "Someone yelled. And with that Windy just vanished. I turned myself to my savior to see a tall black furred mare, with an etereal mane filled with star that continued to move along her mane, she wore just a plain blue dress ripped and burned on some point, her left wrist was also absent, torned away. Her eyes were a beautiful blu with a slit pupil. I immediately recognized her.

ethereal
stars
torn

" Interesting, i'm now so heavy the can't move me with brute force anymore. " I started walking with them."Yeah, yeah I heard you no need to yell"

I’m
they

8684500
I thank you for spotting my error, ad I said english is not my First language so thanks for the help. The error sul bè fixed as Soon as possible:twilightsmile:

8684500

I thought of the best speech to say at a time like this. “Celestia you aren't really that special, sure you can move the sun but so can ten trained mages you might me powerfull but others can do what you do easily, me on the other hand I always change, I could become the strongest creature in this world in ways that no one else can, you might be the goddess of the sun but I’m the god of MEAT.

Remember he didn't want them to found out how powerful he is, and a not mad Celestia is a Celestia Who leaves Canterlot for business ;)

First of all the very next day of my exposure to the Elements, Becker condamned one of his man to death. Throwing him at me into a test chamber. The accusation were of favouritism towards the 'errors', as they call the ponies with genetic defects. He was a middle age stallion with a charcoal coat and a blue mane with some hint of white at the base of the skull, he wore a blue lab coat without gloves, his cutie mark, they have it on their backhands it seems. Anyway his cutie mark was a byological hazard sign next to a petri dish. I killed him, obviously,

biological

" Ok that's bad. "I thought while I was jumping around it to spot any vulnerable points and avoid it's electrical strike. " I can't affoard to be hit by his electrical ray or I die, if just a weak shock can left me agonizing on the floor, this one will surely kill me. "Another blast missed me for a millimeter. " That was too close. I need to find his vulnerable point. If it have any, thats it. " I went to the other side of the room to put some distance between us and I resumed my thinking." Maybe his underbelly? It is a common one after all. Umm maybe that horns? They glow when it's going to blast after all, if I broke them will it lose it's ability to launche them? Or would do that cause it to shortcircuiting itself? No matter it's my best chance after all. Let's go! " And with a plan in mind I runned towardthe Teslazard.

afford
leave
by a millimeter
me
the
its
launch
doing
short circuit
toward the

It readied itself to fire another blast but I jumped in the air, out of the way of the blast landing on his back, I grabbed one of his scale to remain on the lizard. Then the beast did something I didn't foresee, it shocked me."AAAAAAAAAAH NNNNGH DAMMIIIT!" I shouted in pain while I was dilodged and thrown against the wall." Fuck, it have a defensive mechanism! I can't ride it, I need to destroy it's horns quickly without landing on it. This suddenly became more difficult, Goddammit! "I angrily thought.

dislodged

"Have you heard? Princess Celestia will go out of equestria for a meeting with the griffon!" Said one

do you mean the griffon kingdom or just a griffin so cool he's known only as “The Griffin.”

" What's happening? Then the wave of yellow returned and with it the world's colours. " Ok, so that happened and..." I turned my head so fast I think I would have borke my neck if I still had one. In my line of sight I cold see a pony figure, it was far away but it glowed with a red aura so it was difficult to miss. " Who is that? I just thought I wanted to find Becker when... No way! " I started grinning " Oh yes! I don't know how, but I unlocked the viral radar! stll I don't know how this works but it does, so who cares? Now you can't escape me Becker~~ "I started to shake in anticipation " Now you are mine! " Meanwhile the aura was fading, but it didn't matter, I had a new power!

broke
still
that doesn't sound like viral vision, that sounds more like heller's “hunt” ability, the difference is that one only senses the virus while the other can find specific people easier. I love the fact this ability varys the most from evolved to evolved, heller could sense people from farther away and track them while mercer could see heat signatures like the predator. My advice is give the main character a special sense ability as well, maybe give him the ability to see magic so he can tell how powerful a unicorn or a magic object is just by looking at it.

" Wow I never saw her so pissed. Ithought.

I thought

"Nope. sorry but we can't. We are only two and Celestia have an army we can't fight her and her army at the same time we need help, and we need to play dirty."I retorted

has

Sunday I started experimenting with my biomass's mass. I learned that I can move my mass almost everywhere but I can't comprime it too much or I become a mass of tendrils. Speaking of testing I succeded in creating a new organ, I created an eye into my hand to watch myself cause there were no mirror here. It was... strange? Yes let's go with that, being able to see yourself and your eye at the same time is, as I said, strange. I didn't change too much the only difference now was that I didn't have any impurities on my face, my hair remained the same , but my eyes... When I saw my eyes a dreadyng feel passed through my spine.

compress (Are you french?)
succeeded
on
dreadful feeling

They were red, with a black sclera. Just like the ones Windy possessed in my nightmare. I didn't changed them, they will serve as a memento, and they?ll scare everyone I'll pose my eyes on.

they’ll

Creating my hammerfists I slammed the door out of it's hinges and I stepped out. My eyes intercepted immediatly a scientist, a mare with purple mane and magenta fur, I dashed towards her and grabbed her for her neck.

off
immediately intercepted

" Uh, two level above me, I need to find an elevetar I can't risk to destroy the facility with them still inside. " I started to run in search of an elevetor, when the sirens started to sound and the intercom shouted.

elevator
destroying
elevator

After two minutes of climbing I was finally arrived. I broke, again, the elevator's doors and stepped on the new floor. Only to find myself completely surrounded by guards. I started to panick because, if one can pierce throught me with those rifles, so many of them will probably kill me. In my panicked state I didn't noticed the sparks from my right hand, until I clearly saw them. I don't know why but I had the impulse to just throw them. And I did, the lighting soared through the air an collided with one guard, then the lightning started to spread and in less than three seconds they were all dead. " Incredible... " I thought watching the sparks in my hand go away. "I need to know more about magic." I muttered. They were all fried, no memories from them it seems. Shame. I continued to go forward using my radar to search for the girls. " I'm coming. "

erase the was
erase the again
panic
through

" I wonder if the scientists appreached my gift. " I wondered, then grinned " Who I'm kidding, they loved it! I was now near the chamber were the girls are detained. I slammed open the door. I then saw them, they were inside multiple tank filled with green liquid. They were all the size of a little child, maybe around two or three years old, They were all suspended in this liquid with their eyes closed. Three on one side: Flutthershy Pinky Pie and Rarity, and the other three in the other sid: Twilight Sparkle, Raymbow Dash and Applejack. I started to approach when...

appreciated
where
tanks
children
Fluttershy, pinkie pie
side
Rainbow dash

" Yes girls. Father is here. Don't worry anymore you are safe now. " I mentally replied. I started to grow up to four meters tall expanding my torso, I prepared for them some tendrils and enough nutrients for the escape. I extracted them and one at one I deposidated them inside a three specific sacks, one for unicorns, one for pegasi and one for earth ponies. After having done this I closed my torso and reinforced it with as much biomass as possible. Their safety was my priority after all. " Now, we go out! "

erase the “up”
by
deposited
replace the “a” with “of”

" That solar bitch! " I thought "Stay back i'm going to destroy these bars!" I tell her. When she backed away I tore the bars away from the wall.

I’m
told

"No." She coldly said. "My family was killed by the Neverdawn trying to make me escape, when I escaped, I refuged from one of my friends, Countess Nobletitle of the Blueblood house. She just sold me to Celestia, ehe.' Sigh'. They brought me here not a day ago, so no, I don't have anyone." She finished looking at me.

replace “make” with “let”
refuged was misused there I think you mean she was “sold out by one of her friends”

"Very well then, hop on!" I said crouching down. She did as I said and we runned away towards the exit. We passed a multitude of rooms used as offices, until I saw a stair in lontanance heading up.

ran
I have no idea what “stair in lontananza” was supposed to be.

"There is one, but it is a sky dock. It's for airship." She retorted.

airships

"Well it is a shame but."I was cutted out.

off

"How dare him!" I shouted before grabbing the guard from his neck with my telekinesis.

by his neck

8684620
YESSSSSSS! WE MUST...CONSUME......EVERYTHING! BECOME EVERYTHING! DEVOUR EVERYTHING! And then save the world. By eating that too. Totally.:twilightsmile:

"Ladyes and gentlemen, it's your captain who's speaking, we will now starting to land. FACE FIRST TO THE GROUND! " I shouted starting to lose quote over the Everfree forest, Sunset was just screaming eyes closed, while gripping onto me with all her strenght.

Ladies
start
strength

I started from my daughters (sorry Sunset!) and left out a sigh of relief when not one of them was hurt. I started a check-up on Sunset too, her too was alright. I uncoiled myself from her and when she stumbled out I asked her."Sunset, are you alright?" Her response was a flip off of her hand before vomiting, leaning on a tree.

with
let
shr too

After she finished she sat down and calmed down a bit,"Remember me...to never...ever...fly with you!" She half panted half shouted.

Remind me

"Look at the bright side Sunset, we are safe now right?" And said that I swore, I saw the universe itself rubs it's hands with an evil grin.

that was worded really weirdly I say it like”And as soon as I said that I swore
its

I heard a big roar similar at the one of a lion behind me. A tall muscular beast was there, looking at me, it's mouth was big and filled with teeth, it had bat-like wings and a scorpion tail. " A manticore! "

erase the “at”

It roared again and charged at me, unfortunately for it, I killed beings far more intimidating and fast than it. I quickly brought up my right hand and punched it on it's head, making it slamming to the ground with a whine.

faster
slam into the ground

"Listen and listen good"I started, laying my foot on it's snout while looking at it in the eyes."I'm now the new apex predator here, as such you will better go away before I kill you." It looked at me with confusion.

erase the “will”

"Yep." I responded cheerfully "And now is gone, come on, we need to find a shelter before nightfall."We then incamminated through the forest.

it’s
I don't know what “incamminated” was supposed to be

"You see I'm a virus." Her eyes widened."As such I can shapeshit and control my body at 100%, every being can become like me, all that they need is to come in contact with the virus. The probability, however, to become an evolved naturally are more or less zero, for the most part you will become a mindless monster. If it is an evolved to inject you the virus, and he or she wants to, then you will surely become one too."

shapeshift
erase the “at”

"But of course here..." I put her on he ground. Then opened my torso. "This are my little girls. From left to right we have, Raymbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Twilight. They are all my little stars. They are beautiful don't you think?" I asked with a proud smile on me.

the
Rainbow

"My seventh daughter is near here, in Ponyville. Her mother was a friends of mine and I promised to her, that I would watch over her daughter. She is a foster daughter, you could say. Her name, is Derpy Hooves. Windy...she died in that facility, I had to...kill her."Sunset gasped and put a hand over her mouth. "If I hadn't do that, they would have mutate her, killing her regardless. Her last wish was for me, to watch over Derpy. And I will." I said resolutly, in my voice not a drop of esitation.

mutated
resolutely
hesitation

" oboediatis verbis meis dicit mortale " Thundered the voice. Then continued.

for some reason I expected spike with an airhorn to be hiding behind one of the piles.

" If I can't hurt him from the outside... I will just have to go inside! " With a new plan in mind I rushed against him, skidding down his arm, evading his blow. I concentrated a great amount of biomatter in my arms, then I threw all of it against hilower jaw. The blow was powerful enough to throw him on the ceiling, the tendrils then came to life. They grabbed his snout and attached themselves on the ceiling, pinning him on it. I run towards one of his scales and started pulling hard , when the scale detached from him I consumed it.

his lower
to

"Then obligate them to join you!" I then plunged my claws inside his heart pumping in the virus. The effect were instantenous, the heart got coated with black and red tendrils, the conversion was extremly painful, if his roaring were of any indication. Still the virus continued to work. After ten minutes, when I felt that it was done, I ordered the virus to open a way out for me. Tendrils got out of the way, and I jumped outside his body.

instantaneous
extremely
was
erase the when

" Neat. " I thought " I have a giant dragon for servant, and I can subjugate everyone that I infect? This are good news indeed. But I'm not an evil overlord, this will be my last card only if the situation is hopeless. Or if someone deserve it. " I then responded to Aathurnat "First, liberate Sunset's mind from your controll. Second, Shrink down to a manegenable size." He nodded and spoked.

is
control
manageable

"If you say it like that, I see your motives. But please refrain to do it again." She pointed a finger to me.

from doing

I stood up and went behind my throne." Let's check on them. " I thought. Behind the throne was positioned a numeric keypad, I inserted the code "191512" I muttered under my breath. Once I inserted the code the wall next to the throne opened revealing a staircase. I got down while the door closed behind me. I made my way down the stairs with torches as mean of illumination, when I reached the bottom of the stairs, I stared at the white metal door in front of me. Grinning, I opened the door and walked in. The room was completely dark, I stopped myself in the center and spoke the activation code. "Ostende mihi siderum!" The room immediatly came to life and dozens of illusion popped out. In a quick motion, the illusion reached the center of the room, where they created the stellar map of the Equi galaxy. The stars were a blue colour, but the one I was interested in were red.

immediately
was

" Sunny? " Sunset thought. "When I became Sunny?"

when’d

"Oh...ehe eh upsye?" She retorted blushing a little. "But yes, I'm ready, this should be fun" She lit her horn and all the wooden logs lifted in the air. The logs started to bend and move in a coordinated manner, after a minute or two, the logs started to build the floor. Then the wall were built, after that the second and third floor, for the final touch, her horn became brighter and windows, door knob and the roof popped in existance. A green beautiful foliage adorned the house, It resembled a little Fluttershy's cottage. I was speechless, Sunset was very good at this, I'm lucky to have such a brilliant assistant.

I'm not gonna lie I have no idea what's going on with the first bit.
walls
existence

All in all the house was composted of, three bathroom one for floor, a gigantic kitchen, twelve bedroom, a cellar and a attic. The house was completely bare. We will buy or create the furniture later.

composed
one per floor

Said that I exited the house, saluted Sunset and made my way in the forest. I walked for three hours and I decided to go back, I didn't found anything worth mencioning, as such I turned back and starte heading for the house. However I heard a sound to my right. I immediatly activated my augmented vision, and started searching for something.

find
mentioning
starte started
immediately

Almost. I jumped and tried to slash it, but it was faster than me and it evaded my hit. It screamed at me, then it attacked me with it's fingers, it struck true leaving me with a large wound on my torso. I healed immediatly and attacked it again, this time I concentrated my biomass in my legs and I run towards it. With my legs 'enhancement' I was in front of him in eye blink, I grabbed it for it's throat, then I slammed it on the ground and stomped on it's skull devouring it.

immediately
the blink of an eye

I gained the ability to blend in the environment, my speed was increased an my claws became sharper. " Not bad, not bad at all, this will come in hand in stealth situation. " I thought.

into
and
situations

The remaining one was different from the others, this one was mostly red and it's muscle were very prominent, it'eyes were green and not completly black. It charged at me and before I could react it slammed me against a tree destroing it. "Wanna play bastard?" I said standing up. "I will show you why I'm the new master of this forest!" I shouted charging at it, I took it by surprise and throw it away in front of me. I then followed it in mid air punching it in the gut, it flow away and smashed against a tree.

its eyes
completely
destroying
flew

"Not so powerful, are you?" The beast tried to stand up, but I catched it and started pounding it's muzzle, again and again before consuming it. "Someone else wants to kill me?!" I shouted.

caught it

I closed my eyes to evade it's look, but I was also blind so I didn't saw it's tail bashing against my side proietting me against another tree. I started to slash blindly trying to hit it. No luck. The basilisk hit me again but this time it's tail coiled around me and started to bash me into the ground. After the fifth hit I grabbed it's tail and slashed it. The basilisk hissed in pain releasing me, I felt on the grond, then I stood up.

see
I don't know what “proietting” means but I think throwing would work there.
fell
ground

" I need a plan! " I thought. " Maybe I can create a pair of eyes resistant to it's gaze? But I don't know how. I could try to blind it. Yes let's go with this plan. " I opened my eyes and located it, the basilisk noticed me and prepared itself. I created again a mass of tendrils in my arms, then I trhew it against it's face coating it in tendrils. Now that it was blinded, I rushed towards it and smashed my hammerfists in it's gut. The basiliskagain hissed in pain and tried to hit me with it's tail with a low sweep, I jumped and evaded it. I the tackled it inthe ground and started to slash at it's body, after it was dead I consumed it.

erase the “again”
threw
use its instead of it’s when it is doesn't sound right
basilisk also you say “again” far to much.
tackled it to

" Why? Why Celestia had done this? Why she kills so many innocent pony? And why I can't disobey her? "

erase the “had” and put “has” in front of Celestia
erase the she and add an s at the end of pony
why can't I

My tears were flowing down of my cheecks but my body couldn't care less. I walked towards my closet and changed, I took a military uniform with the insignia of the Neverdawn. A bright sun with wings inside it. My uniform was completely green and brown with some pink in the joints, my berret was white and three, five pointed star were on it. I dried my tears and walked out. With my magic I summoned my sniper rifle. A 220X45 thaumic power rifle, with a range of ten kilometers strong enough to pierce steel. The ammunition were special though, the enourmous amount of thaumic energy used is so strong that everypony hit by this weapon will explode of magical overload.

cheeks
was
enormous
dragon scales are magic resistant so I do I don't know how his armor will hold up but if hr finds a way to redarect some of the magic he might have a chance.

"How much freedom we have?" one asked.

freedom do we have

8684633
for some reason I didn't get a notification about this and instead of my name it's just the comment number.
If you think about it the journal of the two pony sisters claims that celestia uses the sun like a magic battery so if he can find enough magical power he could move the sun on his own and sever her connection for a few moments, I mean she'd have to reconnect to the sun to use its power which would take a few seconds but if he keeps the pressure up during a fight he could stop her from recharging and get the upper hand.

8684860
Thanks for your hard work with spotting my errors, incamminated was my italian blood's attempt to say: we then started walking.
The upsye is and esclamation like oops don't worry.
Thanks again for you work:twilightsmile:

8684870
You know he could probably control it to where sunset has her own free will still

8685003
I'm Sorry but as I said english isn't my First language and because of that, Sorry but I don't understand what you Just said Sorry :fluttershyouch:

8685019
Italian :D Yep I'm from Italy se vuoi posso parlarti in italiano ma non so quanto capisci ;)

8685017 8685003
La prima domanda era: "Sai che probabilmente potresti controllarlo così Sunset ha ancora il libero arbitrio"

8686422
Sunset has been freed from his mind control, so don't worry

8693878
Hmm to you too sir, interested in our assortment of chapters?:moustache:

8693898
I'm very pleased to know that support me with a like if you like the story :D
And feel free to offer suggestions and/or tips :twilightsmile:

" You know, I never saw before a mare more beautiful then you, I would have told you about my feelings one day, but I was scared. Scared of your possible rejection, but now... Please Sunset... it doesn't matter if you hate me, but please, come back... I-I-I LOVE YOU! " The voice. No, Phil said. Sunset was crying now and a happy smile was on her face.

never before have I saw a mare
than

Suddenly the rain stopped, a single ray of light pierced the heavy cloud, and Sunset moved. It was a little movement, then her entire body was coated of tendrils. After that, the tendrils retired inside her body, leaving her with no more wounds. She was changed too, gone was her muzzle, at its place was now a tiny nose, a pink skin with no fur, on her chest a pair of big breasts sprouted forth. Her eyes became red with a black sclera, like mine, her hoofs were gone too, they changed into feet, a pair of leather boots were covering them, even her tail was no more. She became a human.

hooves
I get what you were going for but I’d suggest she shift back the tail and/or ears when she's around ponies.

"What happened exactly? I don't remember having feet." She giggled.

how would she know what feet are, if anything I’d expect her to call them paws.

"Thank you Sunny, and you in return will teach me magic, ok?" She nodded and I shocked her hand, then she yanked my arm and kissed me again.

shook

"Very well." I responded, the guard saluted and left. I was again in my rooms, waiting for the airship, it will take me to the position of Omega squad. The only way to go there is flying. I stood up and made my way outside, after three ramps of stairs I finally arrived to the skydock. The royal skydock was massive, it could offer landing for dozens of heavy carrier airship. My flying transport was the Crystalline, an ex scout class airship, used now by me for personal transportation. Armed with 25X15 thaumic cannons, enough to damage a little fregate but completely useless against the heavy ones. It's beautiful lavander and prismarine colours were shining against the pomeridian sun.

erase the “again”
flying
lavender

"Very well, let's go. You know where to go." I ordered. Our destination was the floating fortress 'Olympus'. An enourmos fortress heavily fortified, its wall are strong enough to withstand thaumic explosion of the 4 th and 5 th grade. The fortress is guarded by sixty thousands guards, all trained at the best of our abilities. Olympus is the final retreating zone if everything fail, it's also the only thing that can contain the Omega squad.

enormous
heavily
walls
withstand a thaumic

After twenty minutes of travel, I could see the Olympus, it's sheer size always amazed me, its five sides were covered in thaumic cannons, the metallic coloured walls were divided in squares, each of fifteen meters of diamaters. The fortress was pentagonal shaped, with the upper region guarded by an immense number of guards and cannons, in the center was positionated the headquarters. From afar it could seem that the HQ was defenseless, but an invisible shield alimented by the engine was all around it. In the lower part of the fortress, the skydock could be seen, it was hosting twelve heavy carrier airship, the dock was put under the main fortress, the engine were also there, two hundred class Faust engines, capables of lifting the impressive fortress. Olympus was built on levels, I only knew of the 4 th and 5 th . They were used as barracks and prisons, and as the living quarters of Omega. Olympus floated at 2500 meters of altitude, it was 300 meters tall and with a square area of six hundred thousands meters. This humongous fortress, with its one hundred and eighty million cubic meters, weigthed 811'260'000 tons. Imponent was a weak word for this fortress.

it's
erase the “of”
in diameter
capable
erase the first and
weighed
Impotent

"Welcome aboard the olympus." Colonel Hawker Hurricane said greeting me while I was exiting the Crystalline, a pegasus stallion with a light brown coat, a white mane cut short and with deep purple eyes, a long scar run through his face, from above his right eye, all down to the chin. He wore the standard high officer uniform of the Neverdawn. A beige dress with tons of medals attached to it, the sleeves were decorated with golden strings. The button were made of pure gold, on its hand he wore a pair of white gloves, his cutie mark was printed on them, a triple circle, black on the outside white in the inside with a red dot, a pair of golden wings sprouted from the circle, just as it was flying.

Colonel
his

"It's a pleasure to encounter you again Colonnel." I said. "How is you daughter? She was promoted to the rank of captain last time I checked."

Colonel

"Aathurnas! Come here this istant!" I ordered. The dragon exited a pile of gold and quickly made his way towards me. He then bowed and spoked.

instant

"Wooo ok, ok I'm good. Sorry Sunny, didn't mean to scare you so much. Ok now seriously, I see that you improved, very good, now ehm... You nedd to learn how to consume something."

need

"Not bad" Was her comment. I was staring at her with wide eyes imitating a goldfish. "What? We unicorns can and must eat meat to sustain our magic, just never before I ate something raw. Or alive, it wasn't bad you know? You think is the virus that make me so calm?"

i just never before ate something raw before, Or alive, it wasn't bad you know?
it’s
that’s making

She shocked her head and said. "Nope, I'm fine. I'm not even hungry." Then she tried to take a log from the ground with her telekinesis, only for the log to be crushed into a tiny ball of wood. She left the log go, frightened.

shook
let

"What-what happened? I didn't use so much force, it was just a normal telekinesis. Wait a moment." She sat down with her legs crossed and closed her eyes. After ten minutes of... meditading i suppouse, she opened her eyes and gave me an incredoulus look. "No way. No fucking way! This is wonderfoul, Phil! The virus, the virus modified my magic core somehow, my canals too. I can now produce and canalize one hundred times my normal! This is awesome! OhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygosh" She started to jump in circles repeating 'ohmygosh' before I grabbed her and planted a kiss on her. She went still for a moment but then she calmed herself.

meditating I suppose
incredulous

"Metal controls metals, how they act, it can even animate them. The Ice can controll temperature and create weapons mad of ice, it can also create golems. The Light one is a tricky one, it can bend photons creating an invisibility around the user or use them to burn through the enemies. The Electricity can control and manipulate electromagnetic fields, making it a real powerful weapon if used correctly. Fire, Water, Earth and Air are self explanatory they control that element. Darkness can bend the shadow and use them as weapons. Fear can plunge the enemies into their worst nightmare, only a strong mind can survive the assault of a trained Fear user. Necromancy can resurrect the dead, also lich are common for this path. Death, one could think that is the same as Necromancy, but it's wrong the Death path can comunicate with the spirits, allowing them to pass in the afterlife, the one that are user of the Death path are ageless, they also can kill with a single touch." She explained.

control
made
liches
communicate
the users of the death path are ageless,

"Yeah I'm okay don't worry. Just startled is all." I said. " What happened? " I searched through my cells and discovered that Fluttershy copied my basilisk's gene. Gaining it's paralizing ability. " Strange though, I didn't gained that, most peculiar. Maybe they can absorb more traits when they are in the pods? Or when they are growing in general? I will do more test later, for now let's focus on Sunny's lessons. " And with that thought I faced Sunset and spoked "Alright let's start!"

paralyzing
gaine
I both agree with this and don't, I've always seen the virus as being very random and personalized, so if two infected absorb the same DNA they might gain similar powers but not identical ones like mercers Thermal Vision verses Heller's Hunting ability.Though it should be noted that infected can steal each others special traits by absorbing them like heller did with the biobombers ability. I’ll come up with a list of specific traits or abilities, I think the main six should have later.

The buzzing sound was stronger and stronger, until a swarm of insect like ponies flow through the air towards us. " Changelings! " They were without clothes, but they were armed with lances and bows, most of them were just skin... chitin and bones... I think they had bones. Anyway they charged us with their lances forward, there was only forty or so o them and I wasn't a bit intimidate, those crude weapon had no chance against my skin.

“grew” instead of “was”
of

"How do you know my name?" She asked. I then canalized my interior Bill Cipher and responded.

channelled

"Don't worry I'll find it, see ya there!" And said that I spinted away from them. I used my radar and pinpointed a large amount of changelings all in the same spot. I followed the signal until I arrived at the feet of a mountain. The mountain was filled with holes, from them a multitude of chitin like wall could be seen. I used my radar again and I noticed that the majority of the changelings were deep into the ground. I made my way to the entrance, I continued my descend into the moist and silent tunnel, there were no torches in the tunnels.

“as” instead of “that”
Foot of the Mountain
walls
descent

" Maybe the changelings have night vision? " I thought, I hadn't the time to think anything more because I was finally arrived in the what I thought was the main chamber. A gigantic room with the ceiling barely visible, in the room were around thirty changelings. " Strange, I thought there were more of them. With being insect and all, no matter I can just ask Chrysalis. . I walked towards the group of changelings, they noticed me and scattered screaming and pleading to not kill them. I was ready to shout at them to shut up, but Chrysalis beated me.

erase the “was”
with them being
but Chrysalis beated me to it

" Damn you Celestia! You ruined this peoples. " I thought angrily then I asked her. "Why? Why she cursed you?"

these people
Why’d

"Why? You see, I wasn't always this way, my past name was Amore. I was the alicorn of the love. When Celestia started her mad plan of an utopia I offered volontaire to her experiment. I did it because I had faith in her. How foolish of me." Her voice was filled with sadness and rage, she continued nonetheless. "When I first started to change, I didn't think I would become a changeling. First were my eyes to change, then my wings and finally my body and mind. With each change, Celestia hated me more and more, she never showed it, but I could sense it. After ten years, after so many experiment, she deemed me unworthy of the power of the love. She stripped me of my magic, leaving me with an insatiable hunger for Love. She then cursed me and threw me out of Canterlot. After some time, my first children were born. At first I was so scared, heh, I wasn't excpeting to lay eggs you know? But I loved the anyway, they lived for almost a century before dying of old age. This was five hundred years ago, after them they started to die faster and faster, until now."

volunteered
first to change were my eyes,
experiments
expecting
them

"Chrysalis, you fon't know what you are talking about. Sunset was fortunate, normally my virus kill or transform people into monster! You can't except me to use it on them! This is madness!"

don’t
you're
expect

"Chrysalis, you know what you are asking me right?" I continued. "If I consume you, I will take your memories too. Is really what you want, think carefully Chrysalis, I will infect your subjects, but I will also make you a propel funeral if this is what you want."

is this really
“give” instead of “make”

8694006
I think I should start to pay you. You are too useful thanks :twilightsmile:
Also all fixed, I added some more sentences to the story, and the fortress was imposing not impotent :rainbowlaugh:

8694017
don't thank me citizen thank OCD.
also
here's my list of possible powers for the main six.

Fluttershy- animal control (less like mind control and more like she’d release calming pheromones near animals that make them more peaceful.), animal communication, and you already gave her the stair so maybe give her a healing ability without the need to transform the person being healed.

Applejack- she should definitely have more strength than usual(even for the evolved), possible plant manipulation, and maybe she could have a pack leader style ability except she'd have one permanent companion, named Winona.

Rarity- I think she should have some type of organic crystal ability, possibly to make armor and or arrows from gems created from her body’s carbon that mixed with a modified tendril arm could make a pretty good bow and arrow. A classy weapon for a classy fighter. Alternatively she could just incorporate already existing gems into her body to both make herself tougher and add a certain flair to her self.

Rainbow Dash- Definitely something flight based, I’d go with making her wings/feathers extendable and have each feather be strong enough to act like a shield or cutting weapon if she decides to start launching individual feathers.

Pinky Pie- is pinky pie, I can't think of anything because she can already do anything without blacklight .

Twilight- She’ll almost certainly have something related to knowledge gathering, like the ability to extract details from people just by shaking their hand without consuming them like Rogue from the X men or possibly she’d be able to absorb magic from attacks and redirect it.

8694200
Thanks for your advice I already wanted to give Fluttershy animal control and paralyzing gaze, I already thought to give AJ extreme strength and a better armor, raimbow dash will be the best of the best on the air of course and for rarity, pinkie and twilight I won't say anything, it's a surprise~~~:trollestia:

Oh my God Celestia is here kill her kill her!

and here i was thinking little cadence may have been the embodiment of amore's magic and that curse could end with their reunion. my idea went right out the window rather quick. the romance seemed rushed, not even two days and the express their love. felt unnatural. something to keep in mind on any later stories you make. a slower burn may make it more natural feel. or i think so anyway. regardless i'm still keeping this tracked a am enjoying it.

8696891
Thanks for your suggestion.
The romance is a bit rushed because
1) my virus make the people infected more sociable this in order to create a stable society with other evolved.
2) I hate when the romance thing get dragged out for 55 thousands episodes, and this is what I would have done. And Sunset is my favourite character so yeah I did it XD
In all seriousness though I needed the characters to focus on the more pressing thing in Equestria.
I will take your advice in heart when I'll start my next story (another crossover, I won't tell you with who but you will like it ;) )

Login or register to comment