• Member Since 1st Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen 28 minutes ago

Admiral Biscuit


The hard life pegasus among stupid bipedal cornstalk

E

Golden Prize has everything in order for her very first bank robbery: a note for the teller, fake cutie marks, and a pie in case she has to fight her way out.

Surely nothing could go wrong with her plan.

Surely.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 53 )
Georg #1 · 1 week ago · · 1 ·

Little did she know, the name of the teller was Selective Blindness.

The See-No-Evil defense technique can be astoundingly effective when used correctly.

A relative of a friend of mine helped rob a bank, by cashing a bad check he'd received from a Nigerian prince.
No lie. He actually fell for that worn-out old scam. And he's still mad at the bank because they "owe him money."
Maybe he's related to your boss.

badninja #3 · 1 week ago · · 1 ·

I bet the teller had been in this situation before and knew just what to do. Add in Golden Prize’s inexperience and we got a good comedy. Now I wonder how she got her cutie mark in the first place?

Miss Harshwhinny would be quite disappointed had she been there. In her early days, when cynicism hadn't already hardened her against the foalishness of her fellow ponies, she probably would have taken th matter in her own hooves to show them how a proper bank-robbery had to be.

KMCA #5 · 1 week ago · · ·

You'd actually be surprised how well this tactic plays out when someone "knows" how things are supposed to go and is nervous. Confidence is key in any scam, both regular and counter.

Maybe the teller saw the note and remembered that he can't read. :pinkiecrazy:

This Note Is To Be Ignored. :derpytongue2:

Note: "I have a pie, give me bits."

Teller: "Please wait over there."
Goes to friend. "Want some pie?"
"No thanks."
Goes to boss: customer has a pie to share. Want it?"
"Ugh. Another pie? Fourth one this week. Go ask the guard in the vault."
"Yes, ma'am."
...eventually...
"So no one wants pie?"
"No. Just pretend she was never here."
"Okay."

The end.:moustache:
Troll level 5/5
Like!

Golden Prize

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! AWESOME NAME!

...okay. So that's a thing I read, then, I guess :unsuresweetie:

Well, I could see her crying on the street now.

I too have to wonder how Golden got her cutie mark given her inexperience in the field. Still, I'm impressed by the teller's weaponized obliviousness, and I legitimately feel sorry for the bank thief. Great work, and thank you for it.

Ok, who's the one twit disliking all of the comments?

8593638
I dunno, but usually when someone does that they also dislike the story, and apparently the drive-by downvoter forgot to do that.

Aw poor Golden Prize, it must be tough to be a good hearted pony yet a bank robber.

A fun little story that is honestly the most pony take on crime I've ever seen.

Somehow, when I saw this story in the New Stories feed yesterday, I knew it was gonna be featured.

8592983

Little did she know, the name of the teller was Selective Blindness.

:rainbowlaugh:

You've got to pick the right teller. I can't remember the author, but I read a short story once where a robber planned the perfect bank heist, only to have the teller faint dead away when he quietly announced he was robbing the bank.

8593029

The See-No-Evil defense technique can be astoundingly effective when used correctly.

Oh, believe me, I've used it before. I had a friend who had a slightly felonious bent, and I realized that if I never asked questions about where something came from or anything else, I had plausible deniability.

A relative of a friend of mine helped rob a bank, by cashing a bad check he'd received from a Nigerian prince.
No lie. He actually fell for that worn-out old scam. And he's still mad at the bank because they "owe him money."
Maybe he's related to your boss.

Funnily enough, my manager and his son got a fake check mailed to them as one of those Craigslist scams (they were selling a truck). I'll give him credit, he didn't rush off to cash the check; he called the supposed issuing bank first.

8593105

I bet the teller had been in this situation before and knew just what to do.

I honestly doubt it. More likely, he rolled a perfect 20 on his obliviousness check. :rainbowlaugh:

Add in Golden Prize’s inexperience and we got a good comedy. Now I wonder how she got her cutie mark in the first place?

I think a worthwhile question would be what's the difference between a successful bank robber's cutie mark, and a failed bank robber's cutie mark?

cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0535/6917/products/mistakesdemotivator.jpeg?v=1416776264

8593165

Miss Harshwhinny would be quite disappointed had she been there.

Yeah, she would. I bet when Miss Harshwinny robs a bank, it gets robbed. :rainbowlaugh: Total lack of professionalism by Miss Golden Prize.

In her early days, when cynicism hadn't already hardened her against the foalishness of her fellow ponies, she probably would have taken the matter in her own hooves to show them how a proper bank-robbery had to be.

"You suck at this. Give me that pie and I'll show you how it's done."

8593218

You'd actually be surprised how well this tactic plays out when someone "knows" how things are supposed to go and is nervous. Confidence is key in any scam, both regular and counter.

It was her first time--cut her some slack! :derpytongue2:

I had a friend in college who could pull off nearly anything he wanted to, because he was really good at assessing the situation in a heartbeat and flawlessly playing the right role. It was impressive to see. And you're right; if you're gonna do it, you've got to be bold.

8593323

Maybe the teller saw the note and remembered that he can't read. :pinkiecrazy:

Ooh, that's actually something I didn't consider. Granted, a bank teller probably can, but since in my versions of Equestria, literacy isn't universal, that would have actually been an interesting twist.

8593424

This Note Is To Be Ignored. :derpytongue2:

Basically, my manager's take on everything I write down and place upon his desk.

8593523
This wasn't a pie for eating, it was a weaponized pie.

What's the difference?

I have no idea. Ask the buffalo. :rainbowlaugh:

8593568

...okay. So that's a thing I read, then, I guess :unsuresweetie:

It is, indeed. :heart:

The continuing tales of Manehattan's worst bank robber. (But she does try so hard.)

8593577

Well, I could see her crying on the street now.

I know, right? Of all the ways for her perfect plan to have failed. . . .

8594877 Meringue, obviously.

8594878
I'm going to un-follow you, just so I can follow you all over again, mate. :)

8593629

I too have to wonder how Golden got her cutie mark given her inexperience in the field.

Cheerilee said "a cutie mark appears on a pony's flank when he or she finds that certain something that makes them different from every other pony." She didn't say that a pony was necessarily talented in what her cutie mark represented.

Which, I realize, implies that sompony might have a cutie mark for worst chef in Equestria . . . .

Man, that would be a shitty kind of cutie mark to get.

It's probably the one I'd have.

Still, I'm impressed by the teller's weaponized obliviousness, and I legitimately feel sorry for the bank thief.

For better or worse, my manger pulled the exact same thing yesterday (well, except for the robbery part). I set an important piece of paper between his hands and five minutes later, he'd not only lost it, he'd forgotten that I ever gave it to him.

Great work, and thank you for it.

:heart:

8593671

Aw poor Golden Prize, it must be tough to be a good hearted pony yet a bank robber.

Living a life of crime in Equestria is probably very difficult.

I feel like no matter what, Golden Prize isn't motivated by greed. If she had successfully robbed the bank, she either would have given it back later, or else given all the money to less fortunate ponies.

8593930

A fun little story that is honestly the most pony take on crime I've ever seen.

Thanks!

I do feel that in general, ponies would make the worst criminals ever.

8594374

Somehow, when I saw this story in the New Stories feed yesterday, I knew it was gonna be featured.

Your precognition is better than mine. :rainbowlaugh: Totally surprised me.

8594554
Ponies are not good at crime, and that's a fact.

8594905

You're precognition is better than mine.

Your

8594890
Well, yeah, meringue or cream pies are the pies of choice when it comes to bank robberies.

Actually, thinking about it, what kind of pies was Pinkie throwing in that one episode?

<googles>

Damn, those were cakes.

vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/9/98/Pinkie_Pie_throwing_cake_S2E10.png

. . . fruitcakes would probably be a war crime.

8594926
I really like doing this.

8594862

Funnily enough, my manager and his son got a fake check mailed to them as one of those Craigslist scams (they were selling a truck). I'll give him credit, he didn't rush off to cash the check; he called the supposed issuing bank first.

And there y'go. Isn't it refreshing to find that your boss is NOT the stupidest person on the planet? It's like a few months ago when one of my sisters over whom I'd just about despaired, said something that actually made sense.

8594864

That is what the Darwin Awards are for! You do something so stupid that you remove yourself from the gene pool. They also have honorable mentions for those who either had kids before their stunt or didn’t somehow die. Some of them are actually pretty funny.

8594923

Somewhere in these stories there is at least one where Fruitcakes are classified as weapons of mass destruction under SALT. And are extremely frowned on by Celestia. Primarily because when she eats one, you can SEE the weight gain.

That, and the sun and moon never behave properly due to the gravity shift. :derpytongue2:

8594974

I really like doing this.

:heart:
Sometimes I make it too easy for you, too.

8595042

And there y'go. Isn't it refreshing to find that your boss is NOT the stupidest person on the planet? It's like a few months ago when one of my sisters over whom I'd just about despaired, said something that actually made sense.

I figure even the most ignorant people are right sometimes. Not always because they meant to be, mind you. Sometimes it's accidental.

8595070

That is what the Darwin Awards are for! You do something so stupid that you remove yourself from the gene pool. 

Are those still a thing? I mean, I guess they would be. . . .

Supposedly, one of my former co-workers got to clean up after a Darwin award winner . . . I haven't found any independent verification of that, though, so it's possible he wasn't telling the truth about it.

8595401
Ooh, that's an idea; maybe Joe goes into a bakery and discovers that he needs ten forms of ID and there's a waiting period before he can buy a fruitcake, and he doesn't know why.

8598079

It is rumored that long ago in the hayday of railway building, someone desperate to finish a tunnel through a mountain off quickly, loaded a fruitcake into the tunnel boring cannon and fired it. The survivors were still celebrating the success of the tunnel completion, when the fruitcake completed its orbit of the planet, and struck the cannon from behind, killing the rst of them.

The tunnel and line were abandoned, the fruitcake entombed, with the workers, inside their monument.

Ever since, people proposing crazy ideas have been called fruitcakes.:trollestia:

8598141
There's precedent for using weapons of mass destruction for civil engineering projects; somebody in the US proposed using nukes to get a highway through some rough terrain. Luckily, they didn't actually do it, but I can't help but wonder if they had if it might have been the only section of highway in the US that glowed in the dark. :rainbowlaugh:

Maybe one of the many things Raven keeps with her at all times is the codes for launching the fruitcakes.
pre00.deviantart.net/c50e/th/pre/i/2012/319/1/4/raven_with_a_scroll_by_ksunshee-d5l213q.png

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