"Leave it to Admiral Biscuit to enter the contest, write its first entry as well, and disprove my expectations in one fell swoop." —Chicago Ted
Stormbreakers live on the coast of Equestria, and fly out to sea to fight feral storms that approach the mainland. Sometimes they don't come back.
Aurora Mist's worst fears are realized when her team comes back one mare short.
Pre-reading by Georg
Translating by Conflicting Views, DarkEven, and thatotherguy
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It's nice to see you exploring the lore behind Silver Glow's village.
Can't wait for the seaponies!
Yes! I've been hoping you'd show us something about life in the SG's hometown.
Love the description of the feral storm as 'it's hungry', you manage to convey the feeling of the thing being kinda alive with nothing more than meteorological facts of moisture adsorption and cloud shape description. Good job.
Hate to break it to you Star Catcher... but yes, you probably should have.
I know you like using older generation ponies, but Star Catcher has one of the best established characters of G3. She's confident, poised, extremely competent (especially by contrast), and even has a catchphrase. Seeing her written as scared and doubtful, especially after eliminating the possibility that she's new at this, feels very weird and off.
'I fear thee, ancient Mariner!
I fear thy skinny hand!
And thou art long, and lank, and brown,
As is the ribbed sea-sand.
I fear thee and thy glittering eye,
And thy skinny hand, so brown.'—
Fear not, fear not, thou Wedding-Guest!
This body dropt not down.
Alone, alone, all, all alone,
Alone on a wide wide sea!
And never a saint took pity on
My soul in agony.
I don't see a dark or tragedy tag, so I assume this has a happy ending?
Also, this sounds like it would be a good fic to stick a donations link to the Red Cross or something at the end.
http://www.cnn.com/2017/10/21/politics/hurricane-relief-concert-five-former-presidents/index.html
Semper Paratus, little ponies.
So, is this part of the Silverv-?
Eeeeeeeeeeee!
There's a bunch of little things in the chapter grammar-wise that could use some sprucing up. Like,
I'd do more, but I'm on my phone right now, and it's a huge pain to coordinate a complicated, multi-quote post.
Oh my god yes, this is what I waited for Biscuit, it will help me write that thing I'm working on that I told you about.
I loved helping edit this one. I just hope the Admiral can forgive me for all the whining and begging I did in the process. I can be *really* annoying as an editor.
Okay, you've got me hooked.
Well, this should prove fascinating. Definitely looking forward to seeing where you go from here. (Also, you have one instance of Cloud Chaser where you presumably meant a Cloud Climber.)
I knew Chonamare would be mentioned. Now waiting for the Silver Glow cameo.
Reading stories about pegasi has become a real ride lately with all the references to clouds.
8505713
I'll admit that I''m not up on G3, but could that have been chosen for dramatic effect? After all, if this storm is bad enough to rattle even her...?
Or, alternatively, could all the confidence expressed have been just a front, to hide how badly she was terrified by her job? Not arguing, just throwing the thoughts out there...
Damn... edge of the seat stuff here, you're as good as always in conjuring up images. I was a bit confused as to who exactly got caught in the storm at first, but it was Cloud, right? But that's probably just me being harebrained. :b
that is a really powerful scene. The poor girl.
Very much looking forward to more.
Oh lord, this is both equally gripping, and equally image conjuring. The words used here, and the way you weave them, definitely allow me to paint the scenes in my mind.
This is some fantastic pony vs. nature stuff. Suspenseful, intense, and evocative. You've got me on the edge of my seat.
Great stuff here, you've managed to really capture the intensity of the struggle and painted quite the scene for us!
Why did it have to be so short?
Oh no, please be okay, Cloud. Although, why do I get the feeling this is a misdirect? You're showing us Cloud fighting through hell, making us think she isn't going to make it. So she's probably going to wake up safe back in town after being dragged out of the water while Star Catcher is lost.
And have you been peeking into my brain? I've had a character named Starcatcher plotted out for years. EDIT: Oh. Star Catcher was a G3 pony? Well crap.
Udo Dirkschneider seems apropos here.
(U.D.O. - Stormbreaker)
Certainly looking forward to where you will take this!
Not fun for this team. I hope they find their missing teammate.
It's going to be a long nigth.
This is going to be Hell for Aurora, not knowing if her teammates are alive or dead...
Damn... that's got to be just about the worst feeling possible. But I like this spirit of unquestioning cooperation and initiative here, it's just so pony. Again you paint some good images.
Love both the community spirit and the dread of not knowing. There's a lot packed into just a few words here.
This story is a recounting of that one that Silver told in her journal, isn't it?
Loving how this is shaping up, Biscuit. Your characters always have a spark of life in 'em that makes 'em feel so believable and relatable. Looking forward to following along on this newest tale!
8505564
Thanks!
8505686
I think storms are sort of alive, like fire or the ocean. And it stands to reason that any pony who had to fight feral storms would see them that way--they're not thinking creatures, but they're most certainly alive.
She probably wouldn't be happy there with the boring manufactured weather. She'd be bored out of her skull in a week.
8505713
I didn't know that (obviously). I know very little of the show before the current generation; the only earlier MLP movie I've seen is A Very Minty Christmas, and what I mostly remember from that is that Minty is clumsy, not too smart, loves socks, and falls to her death better than anypony (sorry Rarity).
8505734
The west wind blew
The foam-flecks flew
The furrow followed free
One of my all-time favorite poems.
EDIT: Ian MnKellen did a reading of it! And it's on YouTube!
8505739
You could assume that, but that might not be a correct assumption.
That might not be a bad idea. I'll think about it.
Back in the day, the unofficial Coast Guard motto was "You have to go out. You don't have to come back."
8505759
Bah. No trees needed.
Okay, I'll fix that one.
Yeah, that's the truth.
8505788
You're quite welcome!
8505797
I like editors that poke lots of holes in things. Helps keep me on my toes.
8505912
8505922
Thanks!
Correction made; thank you!
8505962
Sadly, she's not in this one. This is back when her mother was a filly.
8506294
What the what? I'm afraid to click those links.
8510941
Even better, it's the uncut 1798 version.
I got my 6 year old niece the Annotated Ancient Mariner with both versions and commentary. Maybe outside her age group, but I was drunk and angry after reading an article about how a parent somewhere was trying to ban Anne Frank's Diary from a school library, so got on Amazon and sent about $200 worth of books addressed to her to make damn sure she gets a healthy respect for literature. I even sent her a copy of the second print run of Past Sins.
8506757
Sure, I'll go with that.
There isn't as much information about earlier gen ponies as there is for the current gen, so short of actually being familiar with the series--which I'm not--I try to avoid those ponies I know are well-known in previous generations (like Firefly), but obviously I don't know all of them.
Then again, in my life I've ranged from super confident to somewhat less so, depending on any number of factors. So it's plausible, IMHO.
8508945
Stormbreaker is a canon pony name, too, and he's pretty damn metal.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/2/4/820960__safe_artist-colon-cyle_archery_arrow_bipedal_bow+%28weapon%29_dexterous+hooves_ice+arrows_pony_solo_stormbreaker.jpg
8510950
"You could assume that, but that might not be a correct assumption."
Was that a House of Cards reference?
8507847
Thanks! I'm actually really glad to hear that; sometimes I worry that I don't do it all that well.
Yeah, it's Cloud. I read through that section again, and I can see how you would get confused, so I added a little bit of clarification.
Your wish is my command!
8507868
There's something amazing and terrifying about big storms, and the thought of a pegasus flying in one . . .
8507880
Thank you!
8510991
Yeah, the big storms out on the plains of the Mid-West (Never been there personally, but I have seen photos) are both terrifying and majestic.
8508008
Thank you!
That's what she said.
8508266
To quote Penn Gillette:
"Then you're gonna do something like open up your coat and show there's no other book there or your'going to take off your shirt or drop your pants or do something like that to show that there's no other book, or maybe there is another book but it's blank, too.
She is a G3 pony, and apparently (and I didn't know this, either) one of the well-characterized ones.
It's still a good pony name. And no reason why there couldn't be more than one.
8510513
It is, indeed. I was hoping someone would notice.
To save you the trouble of re-reading the whole thing, it's in the Aug 24 entry. But that also spoils the ending.
8510041
It's never good for teams that send their men or pegasi into danger when one of them doesn't come back.