• Member Since 20th Sep, 2015
  • offline last seen Wednesday

QueenChrysalisForever


Fan since Gen1, Queen Chrysalis Fave Villain, Fluttershy+Twilight Fave Mane Ponies, love to write, draw, and read. Avatar Drawn by me, ask before using.:)

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Trixie Lulamoon wakes from a deep sleep one morning to find she has become a changeling. After a moment of panic, she realizes her powers have gotten stronger and gets a crazy idea. Is the Great and Powerful Changeling Trixie more powerful than the Queen of the changelings? There is only one way to find out- a magic show duel! Havoc ensues in this short comedy.
*Note* Not the same Chrysalis from my other works, closer to a canon Chrysalis.
A little early Christmas present for my buddie and pre-reader Meep the Changeling.
Edited by:
Knowledge
Pre-read By:
Meep the Changeling, Yurick45, muckyhusky

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 4 )

Cool story. The idea grabbed me when I saw it posted to the Trixie group. There was some pretty good humor here that gave me some nice chuckles.

Some constructive criticism to keep in mind:

Avoid passive voice telling statements with was and were and avoid using not in narration. This often comes up in description. If you aren’t sure how to turn something into a positive active statement, question if the description is needed at all. Does it advance the plot? Does it illuminate character? If it is simply superfluous consider cutting it.

Omniscient view should tend to be avoided. It is much harder to garner a connection between the readers and your main protagonist. Even worse is that it leads to inconsistent perspective jumping between omniscient and third person which can be rather jarring. Whatever point of view you take make sure to keep it throughout the whole story or at least within a scene.

Avoid referring to characters with descriptors such as the purple Alicorn. It is almost always better to refer to characters by their name or she/he pronoun when it is obvious who you are referring to. Repetition of these draws less attention than using a descriptor in their place. The exception is when referencing with a descriptor serves a particular purpose in a passage at a given time. If you aren’t sure when that is just stick with the name and pronoun.

Avoid presenting events out of order. If you want to hook readers with a climatic scene that is fine, but don’t later rewind to before that scene. It’s better to start at the beginning or start at the climactic scene and simply continue forward without rewind.

Primarily, read The Elements of Style by William Strunk, Jr. when you get the chance.

Once the story got going it became interesting.

I especially liked the presentation of Trixie's choices for transformations and the finale was wonderful.

However, I wasn't happy with using the 'it was all a dream' copout at the end. Makes the whole thing feel pointless and like I wasted my time a bit.

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Thanks for your comment! I'm always open to constructive criticism and colt did you give me plenty of that! :pinkiehappy:

Cool story. The idea grabbed me when I saw it posted to the Trixie group. There was some pretty good humor here that gave me some nice chuckles.

I'm glad to hear so, as I've not done too much comedy, so hearing you thought it funny at parts does this little ling proud. :twilightsmile:

Avoid passive voice telling statements with was and were and avoid using not in narration. This often comes up in description. If you aren’t sure how to turn something into a positive active statement, question if the description is needed at all. Does it advance the plot? Does it illuminate character? If it is simply superfluous consider cutting it.

I shall work on that in the future, for I do know my passive voice can escape sometimes.:twilightsheepish: (I have another one-shot coming out soon, which being short will be the perfect thing to practice on.

Omniscient view should tend to be avoided. It is much harder to garner a connection between the readers and your main protagonist. Even worse is that it leads to inconsistent perspective jumping between omniscient and third person which can be rather jarring. Whatever point of view you take make sure to keep it throughout the whole story or at least within a scene.

I would say part of this was from being out of practice using third person. (I've grown used to writing in 1st person, but since Trixie speaks in the third person, I figured it would only make sense to write her in third person.) Getting back into practice with this would help some if I choose to use Omniscient view. I agree though that it was awkward jumping from Trixie to Chrysalis and some with the mane six.(though theirs was intended more so to be what Trixie heard, it might have came out wrong.) I shall work on that in the future.

Avoid referring to characters with descriptors such as the purple Alicorn. It is almost always better to refer to characters by their name or she/he pronoun when it is obvious who you are referring to. Repetition of these draws less attention than using a descriptor in their place. The exception is when referencing with a descriptor serves a particular purpose in a passage at a given time. If you aren’t sure when that is just stick with the name and pronoun.

Personally I do like that way better (using names and s/he pronouns) but always willing to try something new so I did. I see it didn't work well for you and I understand that. It might make the words more flowery, but that is not always needed.

Avoid presenting events out of order. If you want to hook readers with a climatic scene that is fine, but don’t later rewind to before that scene. It’s better to start at the beginning or start at the climactic scene and simply continue forward without rewind.

The part you refer to here was added last minute almost as an aside, and I can agree it was awkward. I am usually very chronological, and I have no good excuse for adding it in other than trying to help pacing, but from the looks of it that didn't work quite as well as planned. Will continue with my old style on that in the future.

Primarily, read The Elements of Style by William Strunk, Jr. when you get the chance.

Oooo a reference guide meant for schools I don't have to spend $100+ bucks on? I shall totally give that a read! *just graduated from college recently so a 'textbook for free' is probably more impressive than it would be for someone in a different situation.:derpytongue2:*

Once the story got going it became interesting.

I especially liked the presentation of Trixie's choices for transformations and the finale was wonderful.

I'm glad you think so (especially being that was my favorite part to write, thinking up who she and Chrysalis should transform into.) Also glad you didn't find my 'obvious hatred of the Chrysalis X Flufflepuff ship' a turn off. :rainbowlaugh:

However, I wasn't happy with using the 'it was all a dream' copout at the end. Makes the whole thing feel pointless and like I wasted my time a bit.

I can understand that, I mean if Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings was revealed to all be a dream at the end (for some extreme examples) I know I wouldn't be happy either. In this case though, I point to my buddy Meep's words:
" the All A Dream clishe actualy works well here because this is EXACTLY how she dreams and you know it XD"
Sometimes, though yes rarely, I feel the dream cliche can work.
Though in this instance I am sorry if it didn't work as well for everyone as I thought it would.

Thanks so much for your comment once again and sorry for the slightly late reply. You have no idea how much I appreciate the time you took to write out such a lengthy, constructive criticism for me and helped me for future pieces. I hope your day/night goes well. :twilightsmile:

This made me laugh so hard, especially the flufflepuff part. Great comedy story Queeny! :pinkiehappy:

Have a moustache :moustache:

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*chuckles* Thanks Moonie! *hugs tight* I'm glad you liked it. Oh yes, that was my favorite part to write I think. I know she is a fan favorite but for me? yeaaaaah I don't really like her. (For Obvious reasons on who I personally ship our favorite Queen with.:raritywink:)
Mustaches are fun ^.^ :pinkiehappy:

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