• Member Since 14th Oct, 2015
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Unwhole Hole


Digging it deeper. Always deeper.

E

Few things bring as much joy to Berry Punch as riding trains. Because of this, she was overjoyed to find a misprinted timetable that listed a new train travelling to Canterlot in the dead of night- -and even more pleased to discover that rumors of a new, experimental type of engine were true.

Except that this train does not run quite on time. And not many ponies seem to be willing to ride it, despite how many cars there seem to be. And how everything is oh so silent. Or, as Berry Punch begins to discover, something she would rather not know about the last train car...

Chapters (12)
Comments ( 58 )

This is good. Also unknown. You deserve more views.

10/10 cosmic horror.

Relatively normal people struggling to survive in the face of impossibility, against formless enemies, with little in the way of hope.

Very well done.

Seems that eldritch abominations are getting smarter, these days. Also, I never thought of Berry as the "I like trains" guy, but it makes a lot of sense. Like, she often sits on a train in the show.

Well, either Berry went insane, or this train is a wild hunt on wheels...

Berry is kinda right. If ramming Cthulhu with a ship works for a while, punching does too.

“You’re shoulder,” she said.

Your. There are a few small mistakes here and there, but they're not distracting.

Hmm, the ponyless carriage with that engine would probably deliver its passengers straight to the afterlife.

Also, if Berry and her friends were the only ponies to ride this train, what happened to the others? The guard, the grandpa with a newspaper, the thestral couple and the unicorn guy? Were they illusions, or were they the victims of the train?

The last sentence seems to be having some problems.

I like how the creepy atmosphere is building here...

It's getting unsettling now. :rainbowderp:

I like the family stuff you're bringing in. It's not essential to the plot (I think?) but it's a good way to help ground the train and the characters in the world.

8404411
Ditto!

Aaaaa.... do I want to read the next chapter, or run away... :applejackconfused:

Brrrr, this was extremely creepy. Very well done! I have similar questions as 8404632, though I think at one point Sparkler says that the other passengers were never ponies at all, so I guess that leaves us with unsettling conclusions. The yellow mare in particular still makes me wonder, though.

Obviously this poaches a few tropes from Lovecraftian horror, but they never came off as cheap. On the contrary, everything from the discussion of geometry to the description of the too-big cars right near the end felt vivid and unsettling. IMO the "where are they now?" chapter skirted the edges of a too-clean wrapup, particularly Cheerilee's decision to ignore everything. But that's more my personal opinion than anything technically wrong.

Overall I think this has a good cast, an effective if sparse use of humor, and a great slow burning horror. Like the first time the lights went off... that's horror gold. :moustache:

Strange trains, strange notes, strange runes from a long lost empire?

Maybe King Sombra was involved with making the first engine? He was the only unicorn in the Crystal Empire and he had a penchant for making near infinite stairs... just a thought which is probably wrong. Liking the story though.

Is this anthro? "A mare with no feet," is that an error? Or, is this anthro?

8411149
No, it is a result of unmanaged diabetes.

8411560
I don't think you understand. Why 'feet' instead of 'hooves.'

8411565
I see the two terms as somewhat interchangeable, with the hoof being the outer hard part of a pony/horse foot (which includes the rest of the appendage up to the ankle, as well as the bones and tissue inside).

So what was the cause of the train cars looping?

“I’m not sure yet,” said Berry, softly. She looked up at Sparkler. “I’m going again tonight.”

Berry, NO! That's what the monsters want you to do!

8407947
Yes, it is, and if that had been me, this is where the story would end.

Unsettled by his experience on the train, Winter Solstice got off and went home, never to ride that train again.

The End

SQA

Now that was a good read. Thoroughly unsettling.

...
Time dilation? fek that.

I want a game like this.

Sparkler was possessed by Nyarlathotep or Yog-Sothoth. The train itself is Azathoth. The yellow pony is Hastur. I'm calling it now.

“Except poor Snails. He’s a little slow. He can only get up to four.”

Poor guy :(

Comment posted by Fiddlebottoms deleted Jun 20th, 2020

Very good, especially the end which captures the "... in the Twilight Zone" feel perfectly.

I like the story. I like Berry Punch. I love trains.

9464074
You clearly havent read his other fiction, the universe of which this fic is part of... What you thought was hastur and what you tought is nyarlathotep are one ants the same - Satin Vale, the red eyed goddes of lust, self apointed ruler of the world, keeper of the souls in tartarus and birthmother of fluttershy... Just like in Scriptwelder's games if you piece all the little details together you will go deeper, into a scary and very unsettling universe. I salute unwhole hole for paying such tribute to the games

"It's longer than you think, dad! Longer than you think!" :rainbowderp:

9464074
Clearly, they need Old Man Henderson along. They might not survive, but nothing else will, either.

I must say, beyond the potential dread that is filling in how things are going, I am loving the back and forth and sass that is coming at times. The dialogue is really putting a grin on my face. Let us see if it stays in place as the train moves along!

It was far longer than the horns that she was used to in Ponyville.

Ah... I wish my mind was still innocent. But maybe I'm not wrong in my assumptions about this observation.

Ouch. "I'd rather you be mentally ill than there be a magic train messing with you."

What happens if a pony goes in the train with a zillion flyers and high quality glue and covers some of the windows in each car? Would ponies outside the train be able to see some of the posters?

The missing font symbols again. Curious.

Methinks that this particular train needs to be renamed to The Event Horizon.

Three days… I wonder what determines the rate of time passing, as the first time was hours, but that stretched to half a week…

Hrmm… yellow mare associated with red eyes… I recall stained glass windows, and a statue in a chapel below a mansion of incomprehensible size… Ponyzuzu, I presume?

Fantastic story. Good characters, character building, and universe building if this takes place in the same continuity as Desert Water. The last paragraph was very spine-chilling, and served as a perfect punctuation for the ending.

“Huh,” said Cheerilee. “Speak of the devil, I suppose.”

Haha, foreshadowing :trollestia:

..tiny and wide-spaced, vastly unlike the large and expressive eyes of ponies.... seeing the light but refusing to approach.


I wonder... are these the morlocks?

Blaine the train is a real pain!

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