When a spook named Mr. Mean tries to scare Applejack, she drives him off, only for him to confront her friends in their rooms. As they all fall prey to Mr. Mean, unable to drive him off the same way Applejack did, they begin searching for a way to stop him. When they get captured one after another, Twilight finally goes to visit Applejack, only to learn that this goes much deeper than just a single night.
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Wow, this has only been published three minutes ago. i’m first.
I feel like this might be more scary if a few things were different. I'm intending this as constructive criticism, and absolutely don't think this is a bad story and concept overall. Also these are obviously just my opinions. I could be completely wrong to someone else who reads this. Enjoyment is subjective to the reader, after all.
1) Mr. Mean is kind of a villain sue. His powers really aren't defined all that well, and the only rule that we're given about him, the one about the laughter, he breaks. So we're left with a kind of confusing villain who we really don't understand well enough. I get wanting to be mysterious with a villain, but generally it has a purpose and a payoff. And with him at first having weaknesses in light and laughter, then out of nowhere being able to outmanuever Rainbow Dash, overpower Twilight, and catch Pinkie, a pony who can literally reassemble herself from severed pieces, it takes any charm the villain had and exchanges it for what felt like kind of an unearned win for him. While leaving the villain's powers and limits mostly ambiguous might work for creatures like Slenderman or the Rake, who lean towards being force-of-nature villains, Mr. Mean is described as some kind of evil spirit who used to be a pony, who has specific strengths and weaknesses. Then out of nowhere his weaknesses are gone. It's kind of hinted at in one or two lines that it's because Applejack broke their agreement, but it's still out of nowhere and isn't foreshadowed at all, leaving Mr. Mean feeling less like a powerful and mysterious villain, and more just a confusing character who was just there to be the cause for gore and blood.
2) The Mane Six felt REALLY out of character. Twilight trying to overpower Mr. Mean with magic instead of trying to outsmart him, Rainbow outright refusing a challenge when she fights giant, presumably meat eating monsters on a regular basis, Applejack not telling ANYONE that this was happening, and Pinkie, who has literally laughed in the face of Nightmare Moon and Discord, creatures literally capable of ending the world, immediately becoming so terrified that she just forgets to try laughter in the first place. Don't just change the personalities of the characters to fit what you want to happen in the story. Think of how they'd realistically react with their personality and history.
3) Towards the end, it relies a little to heavily on gore, and doesn't leave very much to the imagination. This is one thing that MAJORLY hurt Mr. Mean's scariness factor. We get all this buildup to him finally catching someone, and he kind of just kills them. That's it. Not very ambiguous, nor is there really much hinting that he does much more. I guess maybe the thing with Fluttershy? But it really didn't seem that way to me. If it was, it was honestly a little too subtle. With the best movie and story monsters, they may be mysterious but the stakes are either made very clear or left open to interpretation. The Rake might tear you apart, Slenderman might drive you insane. Or on the other end of the spectrum, things like the Midnight Man or the Man in the Fields only have the things they might do described a very small amount, but the rest is left up to the reader to fill in the blanks, but with some small amount of evidence to hint at what's in those blanks, being dragged to hell or having your head taken. This takes kind of an awkward middle ground; his straight up murder is kind of a letdown after all the talk he gave about murdering for souls, and it feels like you tried to hint at something else, but there's not really enough evidence to let the reader form any kind of conclusion as to what that something else might be. How much scarier would it have been if we either never saw Dash again, except for just a little bit of blood or rainbow hair in or around the closet she was sucked into, or if the group slowly noticed that some of them went missing, instead of them being outright shown getting caught one by one? I'm not trying to tell you to do what those other stories did. I'm just trying to use them as examples to help explain why this aspect doesn't really work.
4) Mr. Mean really isn't given any kind of motivation. Sure, Applejack broke the rules of his game, but why is that important to him? Does he value promises? Does the game fuel his powers somehow? Is he just kind of a jerk who wants to slaughter him some Technicolor ponies? Again, we're given enough of his character for him to be a fairly known quantity, but we're given both too much and too little. We're given enough to make us want to know more about him, then we're never given any more. Again, I feel like this could have been better if he'd leaned one way over the other, either being mostly ambiguous like, say, the Rake, that way his entire character is mysterious and he's an implaceable force of nature, or if his motives had been explained at least a little bit, like say Pennywise from Stephen King's It, who is stated to feed on fear. We know what he does, but not why he's doing it. It leaves the whole story feeling pretty flat. The downer ending felt completely pointless because of that. There was no emotional impact. It felt less like I'd just read a horror story in which the villain killed off the protagonists, and more like I was reading about an unfortunate car wreck in the newspaper. Yeah it sucks, but why should I be sad about it? It feels like a random series of events that just happened out of nowhere.
5) The pacing felt rushed. There wasn't much foreshadowing. Applejack's book somehow being in Twilight's library is never explained. Did Mr. Mean put it there to tease her, or did Applejack publish it? Then at the ending, after all the talk about how laughter drives him off, that weakness suddenly vanishes with no real explanation and we're taken to the ending out of nowhere.
Anyway, like I said, I think the concept was cool, and you do have a talent for writing tension and suspense. This is purely intended as constructive criticism. Use it if you like, if not, feel free to ignore it. I'm not so cocky as to think my word is gospel. All I can do is say what would have helped me enjoy tbe story better.
9133542
I appreciate the criticism. I believe some of it you are correct about, as Mr. Mean was developing while I was writing some of this. My pony fiction is kind of a springboard for other ideas and doesn't get a lot of editing on the side, so you're right about some things, but I'll explain my thought processes.
1. Mr. Mean has defined powers, though a lot may not make sense till the end. Applejack ruined their game by breaking the rules first, so he gets to break the rules. That's at the end, after everyone else is gone, when he explains that. That's why some of his powers seem inconsistent. It wasn't until Applejack joined the others that he was able to do any of it. He had the weakness to light, but then it's gone after Applejack joins in.
2. This one I disagree with. Twilight did try to outsmart him. She did her research immediately. She found a clue, and she followed up on it. Applejack couldn't tell anypony, that's explained at the end. Pinkie Pie, however, is a touchy subject. She didn't react to being scared with laughter because she wasn't scared. She thought it was the babies playing games again. When she found out it wasn't, it wasn't just something ghostly because it was physically touching her and her bed. You can't just give her reality-bending abilities to fight, because she doesn't do that in the show. She might grab a unicorn and fire them like a machine gun, or she'll always be next to you when you're running, but she doesn't fight back by teleporting. Most of the ponies don't acknowledge what she does outright, so we're left to assume that what she does is confusing, but within the rules of most other ponies. I had her react how a normal pony would, once she finds out something is attacking her in her bedroom.
3. Number three is a "your mileage may vary", you're right. Mr. Mean has his way with them, unstoppable and terrible. I'm not a fan of violence myself, but he only does it visibly to Rainbow Dash, and then, only to drive home the point that he's winning. I feel like the others should be nebulous enough to wonder what happens.
4. Mr. Mean's motivation was the game. I figure that was explained enough throughout the story, at the beginning, and in the middle and the end. I don't explain any larger purpose to the game, but the boogeyman doesn't have any larger motivation to take away small children. He wants to play a game, and this was all a game to him. What other reason does he need?
5. I could have drawn it out, sure, but I didn't feel a need. Applejack's book in Twilight's library was explained as "Twilight has a library, Applejack really did publish this book, and her library has it because Twilight likes books." I figured that was made clear enough.
It's possible the intent behind most of the plot wasn't as clear as I thought it was, which is possible. I am a biased reader of it, after all. But I feel most of it is explained, and, as you said yourself, a case of mileage may vary. I appreciate you taking the time to explain what you didn't like, and I thank you for it. That's always helpful. So thank you, and I hope this clears up some of your complaints.
9133686
It does answer some of my questions, and you do make some very good points. ^_^
Nice
So...what happened to the Mane 6 and Spike?
9254481
All gone to play the games you've seen, they've gone to play with Mr. Mean.
Hmm, I rather like this one. Depressing ending, but you handled the cat-and-mouse sections quite well.
Mr. Mean, he's not so nice, he takes our ponies only to return them slice by slice.
Even in bandages Rarity insist on looking absolutely fab and if Twilight could she'd haul Mr. Mean down to her secret lab.
i must say that Angel Bunny's actions truly rocked, oh, and poor Rainbow, but hey, Mr. Mean gets angry when he's mocked.
If Spike had wings, then, where was little Ms. Starlight? Oh, wait, I know, she was out somewhere flying a kite.
But wait, I still remember that old Simpsons' episode and to do such a thing in the dark is rather creepy or so I've been told.
"Giggle at the ghostly." Not "giggle and the ghostly."
Honestly, I really like this little ghost story.
The writing for the mane six seems pretty OOC, who starts a conversation with a raspy voice in your closet before peacing out in hurry?
Can we hope for an alternate good ending?
Does Applejack know all her friends are dead? Are they dead?
Jeezey petes, poor Rarity!!!
I'm just gonna say it
But imagining Mr means features on a person is kinda hot.
I would fuck Mr mean
He'd show up under my bed and I'd be like
"Is there a mrs mean? Ik you want me to get under the bed but it's more fun on the bed if you know what I mean ;)))"
No hesitation
I want this man inside me
11295502
LMAO RIGHT😭😭