• Member Since 1st Aug, 2015
  • offline last seen January 2nd


Just a guy who enjoys Xbox and Ponies, nothing strange here! Alternate posting site(which is my main one) Fanfiction.net Username Zamma21133. Also find me on Xbox Live! InsantiyDanity

Comments ( 27 )

"Yer' a wizard, 'arry

Well put! Muphry's Law has been appeased.

good story bro

I fear I may have to read more to get it. The suddeness is crazy as fuck.

Well you've gotten my interest for the moment. Though you really need to either get an editor or go though your stuff a bit better. Your biggest issue is you tend to miss whole words for some sentences. As an example "You look Kyra." its easy enough to guess what word was missing, but it happens a few time each chapter and is kind of jarring. Even with that problem the story is amusing enough to keep reading.

Ok. Its going up. I saw the halo 4 reference,

Mmm... good story, this says. Some errors here and there, but over, it is good, so keep at it.

I personally like this story and am looking forward to the next chapter, chapter 6. I give you a lot of points for not following the formulaic and beaten to death, HIE story format/formula. Also I give you points for not making the Mane Character (See what I did there) a sexually stunted shut-in that hyperventilates into a paper bag from sheer terror every time the story gets the least bit sexually suggestive. (Seriously that really bugs me about the stories on this sight) Seriously WAY too many characters are written to be sexual phobics. whose panic responses and second guessing and utter terror over a basic beginning of a "Make Out Session" would throw up red flags to any sexually healthy adult.

Any way, like I said. This is a great story, you have avoided these two main HIE Story pit falls. And I wan to see more.

The Monk

I'm questioning your age for this chapter. Eh

Oh really? How much of a problem would it be?

Not a problem. Lol overreact much?

Heheh, honestly I was just joking. I'm glad you like the story so far though. And I saw your comment about a halo 4 reference. I haven't played halo 4 in years so I have no clue on what reference you're talking about.

There's a part in the game where someone says to chief "thought you'd be taller" kinda an insult lol. I also love your fucking profile pic xD

Okay I'm defiantly gonna have to reread my story then, you've got me curious! Also thanks! Its honestly one of my life mottos tbh.

Like alway in this kinda story , little to no reaction to being in a cartoon pony world. Only read the first chapter and stoping right here.

guess you could say its all forward unto dawn from here

This is an interesting story. I can't wait to see if there is a scandal as a result of an Alacorn in a sex shop.

Keep up the great work.

The Monk

Thank you so much! And there just may be the possibility of such scandalous events being brought up in the future heheheh. And thank you for your support by the way!

Fairly cringy opening, but I've read far worse. I can at least follow this through.

Hey thanks for checking out my story and yeah I know the opening wasn't the best. And yeah I've also read far far worst stories before. But thanks again for reading it.

Well, I've finished, and I can say a few things.

1) You're in desperate need of an editor. You should think about making threads in relevant groups to see if anyone's willing to help. Conveniently, this guy made a thread just before I started writing this comment. Try talking with him.

2) Your prose is fond of wandering. IE, you go off on a lot of tangents. It's not bad enough to be unbearable, but it is a bit distracting. You should try to work on that. Don't cut them out all together, though. Some tangents can add to a story; just make sure they're directly related to what's actively happening at the time.

3) Your protagonist is a wimp. He lets people walk all over him. Rainbow could have killed him with that staircase "prank", and yet there's no indication that he even got mad at her. His entire relationship with Angel boils down to her demeaning him in public for her own amusement, and him taking it all without a backwards glance.

I get that some people have different tastes in characters, but this is definitely not to mine. If you like it, keep going ahead with it. But I think you should have him stand up for himself more often. Especially with Angel.
(Is there something about the name Angel that makes people evil?)

My magical capabilities will be unlocked, I sneeze, and Canterlot becomes Canternot. That means everyone dies because I sneezed and my magic went supernova. So no thank you! I'll stick with being defective. .

So Is that a reference to that old Superman Comic where he Sneezed and destroyed the world?

"Your friendship with her is great. And speaking of video games, we were hoping to get your gamertag for some multiplayer gaming sometime." Shit Luna, Princess Luna wants to play video games with me? I guess that headcannon is true at least.

I just thought of the Funniest headcannon...
Luna is NoobMaster69...

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