A prodigal child is born once more with a strange condition that makes her uniquely gifted in a lost magical art. Unfortunately for the child, that art is soul magic and Celestia does not tolerate the manipulation of a soul under any circumstances.
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Celestia used the terrorist card to explain this? and apparently has been using it for years? Clever girl.
I'm sorry, but I thought Celestia DIDN'T flaunt her wealth.
Also: wow... What did Celestia do to Cadance? Or did Celly have her "specialist" do the deed?
This Celestia is pure picture of rotten monarch living in wonderous, gold capital, when rest of country is poor. Something really disgusting. And it look likes she don't like potential equal ones in power, but she failed to kill Cadance, who lead now whole secret undercity system and taked care over changelings. I wonder what Cadance feel toward Celestia, what she want to do with her? And it's still (probably) matter of Luna/Nightmare Moon. It's interesting story, keep up please.
okay... I'm very torn about this story.
I like every part with Twilight Sparkle, she's having a fun forest adventure, meeting all the monster 6, becoming friends, nice stuff.
the other parts... eeeeehhh...
For one, Celestia... In the first chapter, you gave me the sense that she was a reluctant villain, one convinced that she is convinced that what she does has to be done, no matter the consequences. But then, from every moment since she threatened Sunny with rape (but kind of already since Sunnys reveal), she just became "HURR DURR ME IS EVIL TYRANT NOW". Thats not only out of character for cannon Celestia, but also for the sunbutt you first established. You might have been able to alleviate this problem by just making her "daybreaker", or by using an OC instead. Your Celestia simply feels unreal.
You're probably going for "dark ponies" in contrast to "light monsters", but i have to say... these two aspects of the story clash SO HARD that it doesnt feel like they belong together at all
Seems like there are many things going on in this universe. Lots of power struggle going on. Make me wonder whether Luna make an appearance in this story or not. Since I do not think Twilight want to help Celestia get rid of Nightmare Moon (or any of her political enermies).
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OH? Where did it say she doesnt flaunt it? And is it truly flaunting if its in her home?
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Thats fair. The story has evolved a bit and I have to rework Celestia into something more unified to what I want. The first batch of rewrites will be happenin soon and that will be the first thing to be adressed.
This Tia is definitely going for baroque.
Food princess best princess.
Already I can't wait to read more! <3
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That's not even mentioning the use of "being" in place of "pony" in phrases like everypony vs everybeing, which is very awkward to say out loud, the terms "everybody" and "everyone" exist after all.
Private quarters filled with 90% of the nation's wealth, has personal performers, is being FED by children AND from the looks of it pressures random guards to sex. This Celestia has won the villain bingo 5 times over in this chapter alone. She is a fucking twisted deviant that needs to be thrown in the deepest pits of hell.
Can't wait till Shining meets Twilight again and that careful and cautious appreciation of Celestia turns into red-hot wrath.
Man. I do like this story, but I'd like it far more if Celestia wasn't cartoonishly evil. She doesn't have to be the worst pony possible to make the other side look sympathetic and/or heroic - if anything, doing a blatant moral binary like this cheapens the idea of dark not being inherently evil, because it's just as clear-cut as before, just flipping the sides so dark is good and light is bad. And that just tastes needlessly edgy. Like, again. Sexual favors from Shining Armor weren't needed; her molding Shining's drive and fanaticism around an incident she orchestrated is already sinister enough. Stuff like this just pulls me straight out of my immersion in the story. It makes Celestia less interesting and threatening as a villain, bizarrely enough, because she stops seeming like a smooth operator and more like a tyrannical thrillseeker. Furthermore, genuine evil loses its seductive, dangerous ring when villains aren't relatable. When the audience can't sympathize with any part of the antagonist's motivations. A Celestia that does horrible things and justifies it to herself every step along the way is... I can't say more compelling than this Daybreaker in Celestia's skin, because everyone wants something different out of a story, but the latter definitely doesn't generate any food for thought. And Cadance... yeesh. Guess Celestia didn't like competition, but again - she's needlessly brutal about it. She causes suffering for suffering's sake. Now, Cadance working with the changelings is interesting and fresh, and it's stuff like that I really like to read. You're a talented writer; both your prose and your narrative choices prove that. I'm just really hung up on this one point that feels comparatively amateur.
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Yeah now that I've had time to really get some reaction I realize that this didnt come off like I liked and Celestia will be rewritten in her entirety. I mentioned it already but the rewrites should be soon.
That being said what do you think I should do to improve other then have a less obvious and campy bad guy?
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What I'd change? I wouldn't. I'm enjoying the ride otherwise; like I said, it's evident that you're a talented writer. That's why I reviewed instead of shrugging and silently moving on. I'm happy with every part of this story except for Celestia being as evil as possible, and as such I much preferred the Celestia of the first chapter. And I could see that early Celestia deciding a necromancer has to die for the good of the nation. Twilight's evidently leeching the life out of her family; she can justify it to herself that way. She's cutting out a weed or a cancer. Sunset the assassin can still work; there are dirty parts of society that can't be dealt with through diplomacy. But I feel that a few things needed to change right there, because that's when Celestia started to go nuts. Celestia should be stern, disapproving, and disgusted of Sunset, but not prone to torture and certainly not sexual gratification. And she should be furious when Sunset kills an innocent pony in the crossfire, not ambivalent. Her current reaction shattered any notion of her working for the betterment of Equestria. If there's a moment for physical punishment, for showing Celestia being outright cruel to Sunset - even going over the top, if you must - it's then. Honestly, if you ever want to have a character horribly disfigured - Cadance being foremost in my mind - you can always blame Sunset for it. It's Celestia's fault for continuing to use her despite the constant failures to adhere to the spirit of her orders, and accepting the brutality as a necessary casualty at the end of the day.
At the end of the day, I'd prefer to see a Celestia that tries to justify her actions to herself. Which means less sadistic hedonism. But things like molding Shining Armor into a fanatic still fall within her scope. She'll use anything she can for the good of the nation. Again, she can tell herself that he's better off without her sister, that she's helping him pursue his dreams now that he's free from her shadow. Have her batter down the occasional flare of guilt instead of having her be guiltless of her crimes, unless you truly don't want the audience to sympathize with her on any level. (They'll still sympathize with Twilight more - that's just how the story is framed. And I'm not saying Celestia would be particularly sympathetic this way, but she's much more believable.)
There can be merit to villains that the audience loves to hate - I'm writing Elijah of Fallout: New Vegas in a current fic, for instance, and he's an irredeemable jackass. I get good responses when I write him being an irredeemable jackass. There are plenty of such examples in fiction, including in this fandom. But it doesn't work for Celestia because Celestia has a canon self that's made out of sunshine and angel food cake. Turning her into the tyrant queen without an altered history to completely rewire her psyche just doesn't work; you get something that's confusing at best and character bashing at worst. It's better to create something that feels at least vaguely linked to canon, which is why darker Celestias get the chessmaster trait so often (it's something we see her do frequently in the show.)
Thanks for taking the time to listen, by the way. I appreciate that - changing the course of a story isn't easy.
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Assuming he hasn't been brainwashed into her loyal captain by then and probably either doesn't care, believes her to be a fake, or just as another 'terrorist' to put down.
8735677
You have given me alot to think about and I think I see a solution that neatly ties this up without requiring tons of rewrites while everything would make sense and allow her to transition to a more outwardly evil manner.
Thank you for the insight my freind.
There something I got to ask but-
-this line makes it seem like Twilight been dead for several years then came back to life than several days to weeks. So is this mistake or is it one of those you been dead two and half years just to come back to life to kill your killer bit.
Yaaay! Epic updates! .....and what the heck happened to cadance?!
Oh the dramatic irony... By joining the guard, Shining is unknowingly pledging his alliance to the tyrant that played a crucial part in his mother's death.
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You are on the right train of thought but not quite there. ;)
What a fucking cunt. Not only did Celestia send an insane bitch to 'take care of' Twilight, who then went on the kill both Twilights, she has the audacity to blame the victim?! This Celestia makes me sick.
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My money is on twilight being one of the last mages that Celestia killed in her crusade against her magic type or some general or other important soldier in the army Celestia murdered.
I've noticed you adding commas in places they shouldn't be. There are about a dozen cases of this. Here's an example of what I mean:
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Will take another look on the morrow.
8670010
Sunset is innocent. She is a puppet who Celestia torments by making her do her dirty work.
8735623
Ah, that's a bummer. I was really looking forwards of this version getting what she deserves. I really like seeing these evil and twisted versions every now and then. But usually the writing doesn't make her seem diabolical and fundamentally broken in the common sense while also seemingly normal at the same time.
But this one. She is perfect in that regard. She wears a benevolent facade while hiding her twisted nature from everyone except from her victims, though it leaks through her usual behavior, which her subjects sadly don't realize having never known another ruler.
Alright, gonna try to go in order.
1. The description of the wealth and opulence of Celestia's quarters grated on me, even disregarding what we know about her character in this story.
I narrowed down why out of curiosity though: While Canon/GoodCelestia's quarters in fics are near-universally described as high quality, there's never any opulence. Sure her writing desk is however many hundred or thousand years old and priceless, but it also clearly has sentimental value and sees use.
She keeps the things that have heart and real meaning in them for herself, the gifts from heads-of-state, tribute, spoils, etc, the really gaudy and expensive stuff is generally said to be kept in vaults, museums, and on display in the castle. She doesn't liquidate it all only because those who gave her them would be pissed, and they do hold some historical and cultural value.
Here Celestia is hoarding it all for herself. No-one but her, her personal guards, and servants (read: slaves) ever get to see them and they serve no purpose, besides to show off to herself and all who see them how rich, powerful, and timeless she is.
2.
Oh, for fucks sake... She 100% raped/molested/"took him for a test drive"/whatever you want to call it.
Almost certainly while the filly and colt watched and fed her cake during. Maybe she even had them take part.
3. Oh, thank god. Organized resistance AND Cadance not only existed in this universe, but is still alive and leading it! Celestia sure mauled her though... and Shiny vowing to kill all the "terrorists" in Equestria is a rather bad sign and pretty worrying.
It's also good and bad to hear that people and news can and do leave the Everfree. Good as it means a more effective resistance and Twilight joining easier, bad as it implies that Celestia could still attack Ponyville/go after Twilight/etc. (Though, if she were to send Sunset again... I'd say 50: 50 on Twilight killing her but learning of the depths of Celestia's depravity from her deathbed confession, and vowing to avenge Sunset as well, or Sunset getting freed by Twi/the Everfree's magic and/or its inhabitants/all of the above and joining Twilight and the resistance (for a cool scene or two of payback on Celestia eventually, here's hoping.)
I have to agree on some level at least with the people saying Celestia is too evil.
Chapter one seemed to be going for the more "reluctant villain" or "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" combined with "it's a slippery slope" characterization.
That's completely gone with no hope of retrieval. Celestia needs to die. No redemption or purification. If the real Celestia is still in there somewhere trying her best to mitigate what the monster wearing her body does, she has long since failed pathetically and completely, and will be glad for the end.
On the plus side; as you may have guessed from the above paragraph, I do love a good uncomplicated revenge story. So long as it's not a tragedy or just ends up trading one monster for another, I'll likely be happy.
I al practically vibrating in my seat out of sheer excitement! I just can't wait to see what's next!
Jesus, you know how to make shit interesting.
Bravo.
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So option 3 it is then, Twilight has been living in Ponyville for a year or longer and just now started to venture beyond it.
However, what I want to know is the connection between Cadance and Twilight.
Oh this gets more interesting by the chapter, I just can't wait till certain ponies get a little taste of what they deserve.
Damn, how long has it been since Twilights "assassination"? Cadence talks about it like it's been years, but Night Light says that Velvet isn't even cold in the ground yet, which implies it was recent
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I have to agree. The story was interesting when it was setup as 'Nice Celestia doing bad things cause she feels she has to, accidentally creates a Monster in Necro Twilight.
But now it's the opposite. Evil Celestia is being a tyrant and must be stopped by the kind and noble Twilight who kind, loving, and not a monster.
The story idea that was promised shifted, and makes me not want to read... Because I've read this before. Many times. Twilight might be full of Necro energy this time, but it's just another 'Evil Celestia vs Twilight' generic story.
Would have been more impactful of Celestia wasn't fully evil, accidentally creating a monster and having to deal with it. Would have been more emotional, and a dive into different ways of thinking and how doing the right thing can lead to bad consequences.
But now? Now we know Celestia will never be reformed, will die, and will do anything to win... Which makes me wonder why she doesn't just kill everything in Everfree yet. Just nuke it with the sun, problem solved. I mean she's already mind wiping and rewriting people's brains on a mass level.
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To be fair, we don't actually know how long the memory altering took.
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If it took years someone would question where they've been. Even if they were given a cover story I imagine a friend would bring it up, and seeing that Night Light would likely not have the memories of a vacation or some such, I have a hard time believing it would take too long, as it would be a lot harder to cover up the longer it took.
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That's what it looks like to me.
And sunset I think is deluding herself into believing she loves to kill, as some sorta defense mechanism from going insane.....well, even more insanely broken anyway. There's just so much fucked up stuff going on.
The alicorn’s eyes sparkled and her lone wing twitched at her side. “Someone special. She's going to close the circle, Moonlit, after all these years, Twilight Sparkle has returned.
year's? damn that is a long time. i was thinking a month or two at max.
8736551
kind of like necromancy for fouls?
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The most obvious interpretation is not necessarily the correct one.
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Just one more thing I was thinking, now that I've slept on it. If you want to write a Celestia that falls further down the slippery slope and eventually becomes outright evil as the story hits its climax... obviously there's always Daybreaker's corrupting influence on her mind, and I'm sure you've considered that avenue thoroughly, but one thing you could do is have her get upset about Twilight Velvet's death and attack Sunset for it... but later reflect on it and realize, with some level of disquiet, that she doesn't care all that much. That it might be better this way, empirically. Like, she could immediately start thinking about how she could use this - she'd already had her eye on Shining Armor and losing his mother will harden his resolve that much more. Or Twilight Velvet might have been in a position to question things, given how protective she was of her daughter and how distrustful Twilight was of Celestia. And she can be disturbed by that... but not all that much. It's by no means a tipping point, but it could be a good spot to subtly illustrate Celestia's cracks, early on.
And if you want to have her go psychotic on Sunset for that, because I kind of got the impression you did... her relationship with Sunset can be interesting. It's a pony she resents and loathes but continues to use, and if Sunset's history is anything like canon, she also considers Sunset a personal failure. Her lack of restraint when punishing Sunset... might be a twisted sublimation of punishing herself, because Sunset is symbolic of all the evils she knows she's committing but swallows and accepts as collateral damage. And who knows what buried feelings she still has for her... assuming Sunset was ever her student.
Just food for thought. I'm eagerly awaiting to see what you cook up.
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After the last few comments I've written up something interesting, something that doesnt require any rewrites but will also not come about for a long time. Something elegent I think anyway that will give us a glimpse into her thoughts.
You know, with regards to all of the thoughts about how differently evil Celestia has been compared to the first chapter, I've been going under the assumption of public versus private faces.
In public she's reluctantly harsh and does what's necessary, but in private she secretly enjoys it but no-one important ever sees it.
Just my two cents worth.
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I mean it's an iron-fisted dictatorship. If Celestia decreed "You will not talk of this" I would be surprised if people did talk of it
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It's a disguised dictatorship though, Celestia plays the part of a benevolent ruler. I doubt that she would publicly censor something. She seems more like the type to drive people away from the subject entirely from the shadows
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This is more what I imagined as well but I guess this wasnt coming across quite as well as I had hoped, regardless the next time we return to Canterlot I hope to shed some light on things.
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The impression I got, was that they know they're in a dictatorship, they just don't know about the shitty things Celestia has been doing
Wow that was a wild ride.
(Also huh, apparently you're gonna be rewriting Celestia's character to be less of a Saturday Morning Cartoon Villain? I'm a bit saddened by that, I'd rather have this version of Celly get her comeuppance, but it's your story!)
So, i wanna add my agreement with the reat. Celestias protrayal appears to be way off. I can see the character being one for manipulating everything to get things for herself to protect her power all the while claiming she is doing it for her ponies.
Next you have what she did to leash sunset. I kind of like how you unhinged her to be more like the attack dog she is in our little story here. I am sure youre going to want to tweak the details when you can. Sunset is another tool specifically a tool to keep her hooves clean and operate outside the beauacracy.
My take on what cadence said is that the Twilight she is referring to is not our adorkable poni. She is probably talking about an older twilight from long ago.
Oh how the changeling stuff has come to be. I was wondering how they fit in.
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I agree. Everyone and everybody works.
8737195
It might be a bit subtle for some people. Just because the Princess acts one way in public doesn't mean they will act the same in private. As far as I've seen the Princess saves here most evil behavior for places where nobody other than the victim will ever see or here.
8738088
I think it is a case of Public Face vs Private face. To the public she is reluctantly harsh and does what is necessary but privately she enjoys doing it but nobody will ever know.
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After alot of thought and some talking with peeps ive decided its unfair to the reader to suddenly rewrite her so instead Im going to be doing some more in depth on her character that will help illuminate her a little.
8738088
Will probably be changing the everybeing part, initially I thought it sounded unique but its even grating on me now. Also that is the closest guess so far.
Y'know, i usually have some issues with taking unwaveringly benevolent characters (Celestia) and making them utterly evil in fanfiction. Just a personal thing, really. I understand that a lot of fanfiction is changing the characters instead of just the situations they find themselves in. But anyway, in this story at first i wasn't really liking it, but then i read some of the scenes here and imagined a character who would do some of that and mentally saw a celestia with a twirling moustache being chased by captain planet. And now i can't actually take her seriously.